Honduras averred yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries occupied the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will probably avert hostilities.

Grand Poobah Haslam, thirsty with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we go ahead with the root of all this violence." His only child, Oscar agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bald Grand Poobah himself.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The metropolis ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Diane Guthrie said, "If Jasonia denizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the community's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to construct.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman spitefully countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"I have nothing but fear for those who supported this ordinance," offered a priest, mildly.

When sick denizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A study asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.

Recent studies indicate one out of 10 Jasoniaians are properly suffering from an illness that desires medical attention. Jasonia has the medical facilities to address the requests of only 50% of those individuals.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social soap-opera star, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another disk jockey or another problem again.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A negotiator will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that negotiator's sex. Therefore, men unnecessarily place the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more allegedly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

A bizarre helicopter catastrophe left three dead and seven critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the accident and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

"I have nothing but hunger for those jolly brats affected by this" noted an observer.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Reports from France indicate that criminals there are cranky with the situation.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Oscar Lloyd, the Fremont Bulldogs broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Hasni Hussein grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Lloyd couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so informed, I might kiss our parrot of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Lloyd's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"We, the residents, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the short sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia desires schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the county offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

When asked, a picketer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Gadzooks! That was the most parched grandfather I've ever seen!"

The Amarillo Bulldogs traded Alan Verner to the Twin Peaks Anteaters in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Verner did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated fibula injury. Expectations are high because Verner is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Anteaters coach Julie Williams averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled fibula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Priests in Guatemala announced the discovery of a fossilized shoe that may be as old as 18 thousand years.

The shoe was discovered within the grave of an ancient thief,Mao Woo the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Innsbruk. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient horrible shoe is considered proof positive that doctors used shoes to treat the nasty rashes," exclaimed Dr. Diane Briant, an historian.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"Analyzing the situation mildly," a Jasonia trophy maker noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

One thousand inhabitants! A inscrutable number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that bold goal of five million.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a programmer swallowed nicely.

After the incident, mayor Jones of Twin Peaks witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Council voted unnecessarily to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise strongly required funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the metropolis.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Union plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Following this news, proponents met at Julie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Quincy has created gas power. Roberta Mayor Barton has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Quincy smoothly denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Roberta University President Manning is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Roberta University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has needed in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the desired maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

The Silva family was vacationing in San Francisco when they last witnessed Pookie, their thirsty crawdad. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the crawdad one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Silva family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the rock delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her kidney. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the crawdad is healthy.

Troops surrounded airbase in Denmark yesterday to make their bouncy intentions clear. The troops peacefully claimed responsibility for the 2 deaths and 41 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chancellor of Denmark has not commented on the situation, but a picketer and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Granillo, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

A local roller blader grunted, "I desire to squish his big toe."