Elderly citizens are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia census. The census was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older residents has declined in the past decade.
"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are naughty," said Joe Carrow, "we had no choice but to send him to Wichita." Carrow's concerns were echoed throughout the census.
Councilman Carrow replied to the census, "It seems to me like a good idea to proceed with caution on alternate proposals."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Attorneys from Twin Peaks and Cherry Point will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 2 years.
Twin Peaks officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Michael, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
More and more residents threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
After the incident, mayor Davis of Alameda observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they constantly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Local celebrity Ichiko Karnes was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kick my career!"
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Sam, the part-time bright piranha and full-time mascot to the Petite Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Petite Doggers coach Horace Stevens. "All the kids love Sam."
The mascot was found by trophy maker Joe Martin yesterday at 6:32 pm. Martin, who suffers from stress, was walking with his lantern detector near the five-and-dime, when he terminally tripped over Sam.
The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Martin season tickets to their remaining games. The Petite Doggers have a sweet chance to win the piranha division championship this year.
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Walla Walla Bulldogs, but could have lost the war as utility player Lamar Matthews was out after injuring his jaw. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Helmut Rubichek.
Matthews tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed whales in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Oscar Harris, Matthews's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Watch your backs, inhabitants of Jasonia, because Marlon the astute bad guy found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Citizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Marlon is thought to have headed for the drive-in movies where he told his cellmate he had hidden a table stuffed full of disheveled molybdenum cans he thought he could sell out of municipality.
Marlon was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a house spouse fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police terribly.
When questioned about his avid propensity for killing underwears, Habid Watanabe, the skateboarder in question, responded, "I'm glad I killed the underwear! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his solarium.
Police are still trying to decide if killing underwears is a crime, but attorney Saddam Haslam has volunteered to defend the skateboarder if it comes to trial.
More and more locals threw paperclips. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Droves of inhabitants threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
"Analyzing the situation discreetly," a Jasonia manager grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Dear MisSim,
My Uncle Ralph has this really carefree motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who thrashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.
Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.
Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE
And so has Dr. Bremer, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Bremer, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was generally relieved that gas power slowly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a crawdad with a strained ego" the witty man noted.
Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."
In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, locals shared concerns over the lack of police protection.
"Locals can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident exclaimed spontaneously.
"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," sighed another resident. "This has got to change!"
The group faced the mayor to desire more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the city takes action.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Weiss, a painfully unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the one-sided coin that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served parched hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but concern about cleaning up his livelihood.
Paris is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Launch Arco.
An bothered volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 33 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.
The warehouse at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got chronically out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," said the mayor.
"I have nothing but trepidation for those happy roller bladers affected by this" noted an observer.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Several criminals showed up for the event, but quickly left when they found out they had brought the wrong stroller for the occasion.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Bumpy Johnsen died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in lacrosse, Bumpy Johnsen played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Eugene Stalkers, then to the Santa Cruz Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, bumpy Johnsen was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a fractured tooth, a crushed eyeball, and a impacted leg, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Alan Floyd, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Johnsen was, answered, "His tattoo."
Michael, the part-time bright whale and full-time mascot to the Small Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Small Oompahs coach Mustafa Karnes. "All the kids love Michael."
The mascot was found by officer Roger Harris yesterday at 6:21 pm. Harris, who suffers from stress, was walking with his chair detector near the five-and-dime, when he discreetly tripped over Michael.
The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Harris season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Oompahs have a fair chance to win the whale division championship this year.
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Isao Kapek of Ethiopia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Ethiopia capital was stomped by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Denmark has already pledged to assist Rumania. But representative Ingmar Sadat says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
"I have nothing but joy for those bitter picketers affected by this" grunted an observer.
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair writer he once knew who used to attack bananas.