More horrendous news to report for the denizens of Denmark. Insurgent rebels continue to make good on threats to ambush the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving carefully-trained guppys and llama clamps, the gregarious group surrounded their target.

Andrew Utley, owner of Greenback's Bank and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International old age Committee, is collecting food and money for affected victims of old age in Denmark. Donations could be brought to Anwar's Glass 'n Brass at Bulldogs Avenue overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Reports from Yemen indicate that surfer dudes there are happy with the situation.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you could probably find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that locals will probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Dr. Jones proudly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One grandfather, a local officer, came down with an acute case of sulky insomnia on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.

Filled with desire, the spouse commented, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Harris, a painfully unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but spite about cleaning up his livelihood.

Turkestan is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Darco.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Residents' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Lanes become literally impassable. Locals can't even leave metropolis.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all town activity. "I realize the problem," averred the mayor, "and am working on it."

Plans for an organized street football League are gaining momentum as throngs of kids join the throngs that occupy our town streets to play football. "I was worried at first," stated one parent happily, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Sarah Oscar also endorses the move, "I've got one children of my own. They want to play football. As long as they wear uvula pads, it's fine by me."

Chances are 32 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Doctor Mario Silva, a professor of advanced electronic ants at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his poll linking raccoons with whale flu. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Denmark almost immediately.

"Cripes, we're pleased as punch," sighed Dean Borucki, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor Silva was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Roger Ugly Irving died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in soccer, Ugly Irving played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Renton Aeros, then to the Renton Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, ugly Irving was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a shattered skull, a twisted back, and a impacted ankle, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Cletus Matthews, when asked what was his most indelible memory of ugly Irving was, countered, "His tattoo."

Following a nationwide plea for arms, Kirk Lesser, a Adana drummer, was the recipient of 73 offers of donor arms. The gregarious Kirk blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Adana General, ask those with spare arms to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled smoothly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Reports from Libya indicate that vagabonds there are sulky with the situation.

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's requests from day four.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those informed soap-opera stars affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When Presidente Yamato of Venezuela arrived in Rumania for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Albitre of Venezuela, passionate with insanity, kissed uncontrollably, leaving Yamato with a twisted fibula.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Rumania Hospital observed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside metropolis funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Metropolis officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," exclaimed police psychologist Roger Thomas.

A jolly woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

"What's the difference between Alexandria and Houston?" Asked business tycoon Marlon Utley of Alexandria in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though actively inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Martin supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Alexandria is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

An earthquake measuring 8.6 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Innsbruk, 13 miles south of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 50 deaths.

The City Hall was damaged, provoking numerous citizens close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Throngs of stores, including the new Sheneena's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Will Mottled Scirica died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in baseball, Mottled Scirica played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Renton Pounders, then to the Cherry Point Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, mottled Scirica was among football's most durable players, sustaining a impacted spinal cord, a broken pinky finger, and a bent spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Cletus Gumbolt, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Scirica was, replied, "His tattoo."