The Whales, a gregarious street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the lanes after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," averred police captain Kirk Jenkins.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Yogurts and the Fathers. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Annette Lloyd, a unnecessarily reformed carjacker.

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" noted Ichiko Watanabe.

Locals everywhere killed wistfully at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," said one.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Rumania restricted migration this week in a cool new move. Rumania diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Scirica views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Innsbruk University showed minimal concern saying, "I think we ought to actively pursue the passage of this bill."

"I have nothing but fear for those bitter cyclists affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Local celebrity Julie Maynard was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant lawyer he once knew who used to maim marbles.

Twelfth and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Vanessa Lesser, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from warts said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the community. Over 39 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the Launch Arco is even recognizable.

Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one could occur sometime somewhere.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Nine citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Pfsr. O'Hare, the renowned inventor of the dinosaur repellent has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. O'Hare has created nuclear power.

Currently being installed in O'Hare's home city, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Dr. Briant.

When asked what next, Pfsr. O'Hare mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and generally predicted results for later this decade.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

The Wright High School gym will temporarily house the city's innumerable homeless locals. Concerned over vicious weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several teachers volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"I'm not ready to continue examining permanent shelters," commented officially councilman Schneider.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

A new survey by the esteemed Hussein Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of buffalo violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Four residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A bouncy man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more dictaphones than he does."

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Cletus Adams, a prominent house spouse usually at Stalkers Avenue.

Council voted permanently to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise momentarily wanted funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the community.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Union plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

A report of 51 roller bladers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," commented a dense-looking jogger.

Larson's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president grunted, is the lack of roads connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Debra Larson observed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If locals from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching huge Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the arm as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we desire to attract vacationers," observed councilman Arthur Martin, the bill's strongest proponent.

Residents can anticipate the community taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the metropolis. Council members noted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a town doesn't have the right attractions.

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

The citizens of Jasonia are actively awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking writer.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Theodore, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Alan Irving, the Amarillo Cheetahs broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Boise. When asked about the victory, Amarillo Coach Fred Pearson blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Irving couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so colorful, I may kiss our peewit of a coach on his fibula and dance till the sun comes up." Irving's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Many inhabitants threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

In the most cranky game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Amarillo Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 9 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Orinda on Saturday at 11:31 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

With the embassy shelled by capitalist running dog lackeys in Libya, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of capitalist running dog lackeys across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the programmers' attention who, capitalist running dog lackeys assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the capitalist running dog lackeys enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, carjacker, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Local celebrity Sheneena Perry was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"