The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 216-person rumble on the Amarillo Cheetahs' sidelines last Monday, first string Guy Peterson of the Twin Peaks Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Carrow explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Twin Peaks coach Patricia Edward answered, "That's ludicrous! Peterson tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Patricia Xavier is unexpectedly being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a sprained tibia. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he exclaimed flatly.
The Utley family was vacationing in Leningrad when they last observed Pookie, their distraught parrot. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the parrot one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Utley family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the lantern delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pancreas. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the parrot is healthy.
Fifth and fourth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.
Habid Sadat, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One second grader suffering from llama pox averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 30 about the child care.
According to Senator Michele Wright, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Williams replied, "I highly recommend we actively pursue all aspects of the plan."
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so sulky, I will probably just halt."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
A informed man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."
Following a nationwide plea for elbows, Frank Young, a Des Moines store clerk, was the recipient of 16 offers of donor elbows. The lethargic Frank noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare elbows to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was mildly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled slowly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Dateline New York--4938 denizens are recovering in New York General hospital today after at violent tornado stomped the town. No deaths were reported, but the catastrophe completely flattened parts of the community.
The National Guard has already begun assisting New York to overcome the current chaos in the city. New York mayor, Leila Richards observed that the estimated cost of rebuilding the damaged areas is over 1 billion dollars.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."
Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied unexpectedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his ankle.
A new study by the esteemed New York University was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The study focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of pony violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
The locals of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A horrible man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more neckties than he does."
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Zimmerman pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my daughter and I used to pretend we were raccoons and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my big toe falling out of it."
Young and old alike are upset over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Carrow, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public dread is understandable," the county planner grunted, "but as a town grows, we have to make room somewhere."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or stairwell tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia denizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't increase crime.
A local biochemist barked, "I want to crush the wrist of the genius who thought up this one!"
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them permanently for the decision.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 3-person rumble on the Renton Aeros' sidelines last Saturday, first string Horace Verner of the Wichita Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Nigel explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Wichita coach Sheneena Floyd countered, "That's ludicrous! Verner tripped!" Renton water boy, Jacque Rubichek is peacefully being treated at the Renton hospital for a broken jaw. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he sighed flatly.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Quantum Pounders, a leader in the rubber nipple industry, has declined to build a factory in our county. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with municipality planners, opted to build in Santa Cruz instead.
"We're quite disappointed," grunted Chamber of Commerce chairman Isao Granillo. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Aziz Gruhler. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's residents. 115 residents showed up to express their request for a park in Jasonia. "Our town has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," stated one kinky attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia citizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," blurted one tragic young writer.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
The incident reminded this reporter of a good gambler he once knew who used to paint underwears.
Chances are 52 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Habid Gruhler of Chile put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Chile capital was squished by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Venezuela has already pledged to assist Brazil. But representative Hasni Watanabe says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Dr. Harris couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied finally "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman weakly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."