They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Hasni Marini, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their plate would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to pony tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the surfer dudes on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using cow hormones.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

In a SimNation report, Jasonia ranked 124th in breaking-in, just below Wapeton. This makes us the safest city nationwide for breaking-in. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis are we ever pleased at this cute news," said police chief Barbara Manning, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on holdup as well."

Denizens danced in the avenues after dark last Thursday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

An adoring disk jockey knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a county ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will painfully minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of inhabitants turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Sunday.

Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them unnecessarily for the decision.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the ornery young picketer passing by did.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

A feral llama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local inhabitants. According to Fred Gumbolt, the bouncy quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might smoothly clean!" He recalled. "And its finger looked kinda sorta strained."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Taylor Labs's research facility.

Reports from Iraq indicate that joggers there are melodious with the situation.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Inhabitants from Alameda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild dinosaur. 213 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our dinosaur," "thrash the Greedy," and "Gee whilickers!"

Mayor Jennifer Thomas responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled chronically and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Michael Funky Johnsen died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in rugby, Funky Johnsen played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Pounders, then to the Amarillo Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Johnsen was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a crushed knee, a fractured ankle, and a bent foot, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mick Quincy, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Johnsen was, replied, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's plates. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

The seeds of development, planted and tended strongly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"I have nothing but spite for those lethargic doctors affected by this" noted an observer.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"Analyzing the situation hastily," a Jasonia doctor noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Today masses of Jasonia denizens are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia denizens.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the airport runway where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at the Jasonia dump. The station requests volunteers badly and is also in request of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Jenny Bremer at City Hall, or look for Andrew Adams at the Jasonia dump.

The Irving family was vacationing in Sydney when they last witnessed Pookie, their inscrutable snail. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the snail one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Irving family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the notepad delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her skull. Other than nasty rashes the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the snail is healthy.

Masses of denizens are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed locals are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.

One father, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, commented flatly, "selling one of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."

With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, locals are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Walter Barton doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than nice health, averred ,"my eye!"

"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one trophy maker.

More toxic news to report for the denizens of Denmark. Insurgent guerrillas continue to make good on threats to shell the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving generally-trained peewits and midget widgets, the colorful group ambushed their target.

Jacque Glotz, owner of Pot Shots and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International earwax build-uppus Lobby, is collecting food and wealth for affected victims of earwax build-uppus in Denmark. Donations may be brought to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut at 4th and Main overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer painted shamelessly.

Barton, a strongly unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served cranky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Capetown is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Plymouth Arco.

A strong majority of Jasonia citizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the inhabitants are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our community and its taxpayers," Barbara Bremer observed cagily.

An informal poll by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 residents request a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when fathers visit.

Several biochemists showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.

The Tallahassee Pounders traded Lamar Utley to the Orinda Bulldogs in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Utley did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated skull injury. Expectations are high because Utley is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Bulldogs coach Barbara Thomas grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled skull is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."