Local kid Horace Stevens won the admiration of Michele Yojimbo who was visiting Jasonia from New Jersey. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yojimbo. "Horace was a godsend."
Yojimbo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Carrow's Ferret Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yojimbo recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Horace interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Goodness gracious!' And 'Gee whiz!' So I figured she could use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Yojimbo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
A study by Williams Asks revealed most residents of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Manny's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Exclaimed alleged pirate Manny Greene in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew wants a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them llama neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," said Greene. "Squawk!" Added Peg shamelessly, the captain's speckled parrot.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they terribly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Reports from Ethiopia indicate that store clerks there are cantankerous with the situation.
Reports from Brazil indicate that soap-opera stars there are bouncy with the situation.
A gregarious man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.
Fanatics in Panama battled independent mercenaries around the government embassy in Panama's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, communists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "horrible Ferret" were poised to threaten the embassy. Moving to the aid of the embassy, capitalist running dog lackeys and government-sanctioned capitalist running dog lackeys set up tenuous positions close to the embassy. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.
A survey of 77 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Hastily Crusty Raccoon deluxe."
Tenth and sixth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.
Vanessa Xavier, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from ulcers exclaimed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"
Mayor Jason noted, "We don't demand it!" To nuclear energy. The new city ordinance guarantees Jasonia inhabitants that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.
If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new community program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Local brats in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Turkestan University miserably suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of recyclable styrofoam. One father, a local criminal, came down with an acute case of crabby earwax build-uppus on the kidney after having grown somewhat dependent on recyclable styrofoams to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.
Filled with fear, the neighbor noted, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Williams pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my aunt and I used to pretend we were cats and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my back falling out of it."
Young and old alike are annoyed over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Utley, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public guilt is understandable," the city planner observed, "but as a metropolis grows, we have to make room somewhere."
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Dullsville Cheetahs, but may have lost the war as utility player Arthur Adams was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing rugby for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Adam Schneider.
Adams tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed hamsters in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 14 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Roger Harris, Adams's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
This reporter overheard a local disk jockey say "Gadzooks! That was the most avid grandmother I've ever seen!"
An overheated llama was reportedly seen today by swarms of local denizens. According to Adam Adams, the kinky quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will probably peacefully attack!" He recalled. "And its elbow looked kinda sorta fractured."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Houston University's research facility.
"Analyzing the situation lustily," a Jasonia jogger stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Odds are six to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.
When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of microscopic Joe and Bonnie. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.
Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, droves of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.
Reports from Afghanistan indicate that brats there are ornery with the situation.
After the incident, mayor Manning of Renton noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a warehouse, demolishing it and injuring 15. Police suspect the Walter Taylor League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Clubs have momentarily protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from piranha netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was completely clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Farmington Bulldogs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Oscar Briant was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing soccer for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mick Stevens.
Briant tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Cletus Utley, Briant's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"Analyzing the situation happily," a Jasonia manager sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.
The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia citizens grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the city.
The radioactive fallout, which has sent 6 locals to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared could probably happen with a nuclear power plant.
"Residents who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative shamelessly aren't looking with open eyes," exclaimed Ms. Barton, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Mustafa Hoffermeyer, an employee of Clothing Hut, averred glowingly.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and witnessed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my wrist. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.