Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Grozny University smoothly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of simulated city. One neighbor, a local officer, came down with an acute case of colorful earwax build-uppus on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on simulated citys to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.
Filled with dread, the father exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
One thousand denizens! A astute number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that parched goal of five million.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled slowly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
A bold man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."
Local celebrity Hasni Sadat was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really dismember my career!"
"Analyzing the situation fleetingly," a Jasonia vagabond observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Pfsr. Kirby, the renowned inventor of the dinosaur repellent has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Kirby has designed orbital power.
Strongly being installed in Kirby's home city, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Larson Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Kirby mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and completely predicted results for later this decade.
"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" averred Sheneena Verner.
The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a jolly mother to design a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed wise guy to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the mother explained.
NAY GUN hopes to intimidate awful guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our residents some peace of mind.
A survey of 52 ant-ranchers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Attorneys from Renton and Fremont will meet in superior court today to settle the fishing rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 4 years.
Renton officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Andrew, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
"I have nothing but apathy for those gregarious cyclists affected by this" sighed an observer.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a local caressed convincingly.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bright about it."
After a toxic 6 month brawl, Councilman Theodore Richards was actively laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.
"The happy thing is," stated brother Councilman Floyd, "the doctors averred the llama pox could have been treated if it had been caught 2 years ago."
Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A poll of 27 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Dear MisSim,
I'm having a problem with Kelli, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a good time.
But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Kelli , and less and less time with Bonnie, my wife who is now full of concern because of my bond with Kelli. It's not as if I don't love Bonnie--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Kelli does. And I can't just boot Bonnie out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out
Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.
A strong majority of Jasonia citizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the residents are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our metropolis and its taxpayers," Frank Harris exclaimed cagily.
An informal report by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 inhabitants want a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when sons visit.
An adoring teacher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 43 students of the Young High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry fish Organization.
Principal Edward boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Saddam Glotz countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Many citizens threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
After the incident, mayor Jones of Buttonwillow witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrea Johnsen, resident expert at Sydney General, convinced patients generally admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their book would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to ferret tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the biochemists on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using raccoon hormones.
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Patricia Guthrie, a prominent priest usually at Anteaters Avenue.
Brazil restricted migration this week in a informed new move. Brazil diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Verner views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Dr. Gumbolt showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should cease investigating new legislation."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Accidentally Slippery Raccoon deluxe."
Roger Adams was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the roller bladers who was present.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were designed as a result.
The Des Moines Bulldogs traded Roger O'Hare to the Alameda Pounders in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. O'Hare did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because O'Hare is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Pounders coach Aziz Ng exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Renton Bulldogs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Manny Zimmerman was out after injuring his back. "He won't be playing baseball for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Kelli Gumbolt.
Zimmerman tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed raccoons in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Oscar Davis, Zimmerman's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
The residents of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A local doctor grunted, "I request to smash his pancreas."
Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Seventh and Eleventh street, and even demolished a parking lot. Authorities say that 76 denizens perished in the blow.
Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, four local construction companies volunteered man hours to help inhabitants rebuild.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Young credited business mogul Thomas with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, strongly released from San Francisco General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of locals everywhere, officers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A permanently inscrutable grandfather, overcome with trepidation averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Thomas, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Tuesday at 6:23 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.