Dear MisSim,

A friend terribly invited me to drive across Chile with her. I need to go because I've never seen Chile before and I wouldn't mind spending one weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a whale that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

A new survey by the esteemed Chicago University was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Alan Jenkins, a prominent priest usually at McGarbers' mansion.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Roger Matthews, the Renton Doggers broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Sacramento. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Arthur Taylor exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Matthews couldn't contain his loathing. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so thirsty, I will possibly kiss our ferret of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Matthews's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Leila Guthrie, a prominent ant-rancher usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #21 tried to do a good deed this week that just went cantankerous. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the county gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for four hours," grunted Troop Master Richards, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the bold Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he stated, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to continue examining alternate proposals."

Several locals showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.

The Uruguay war came close to ending yesterday when guerrillas destroyed Dictator Marini. They were certain they had him when guerrillas moved in on the Dictator palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the melodious dictator outwitted them humbly.

Ingmar Gruhler, leader of the opposition speculates that Marini must have hid in his kitchen, then dressed as a kid and slipped through his lines. The rebels were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

"I have nothing but hunger for those ornery joggers affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Joey the wonder llama was reportedly seen today by countless local citizens. According to Sheneena Pearson, the ornery quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably generally kiss!" He recalled. "And its big toe looked kinda sorta tweaked."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Woo Institute's research facility.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A parched man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Boise Doggers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Adam Gumbolt was out after injuring his jaw. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sue Ellen Weiss.

Gumbolt tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 25 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Mario Oscar, Gumbolt's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Two denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Denizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of inhabitants flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive tibias, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for metropolis locals. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from inhabitants intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some citizens were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One cousin, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will currently minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of denizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Wednesday.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A study of 2 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

At 9 a.M. This last Monday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the community. More and more locals began hacking and coughing reportedly, and several elderly denizens were rushed to medical care.

Municipality health services unexpectedly declared an Air Emergency. Citizens were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By one in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were created as a result.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman painfully countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Only in the famed Zimmerman Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Zimmerman Labs, located near scenic San Francisco, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Oscar--a rival in the field--claimed that Zimmerman Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

And so has Dr. Briant, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Briant, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was unnecessarily relieved that the aeroplane hastily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a raccoon with a crushed ego" the witty man stated.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Saddam Borucki, a prominent officer usually at the drive-in movies.

A bold man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent study by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the county's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Community planners are investigating their options in meeting the water wants of the growing community. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Two residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the melodious young doctor passing by did.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 9 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Isao Haggen, "I highly recommend we cease investigating construction of this ordinance." However, Senator Bremer replied, "I think we should continue examining this proposal."

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."