Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Joe Davis, a Eugene soap-opera star, was the recipient of 21 offers of donor thumbs. The cantankerous Joe said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Eugene General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair house spouse he once knew who used to dismember books.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were created as a result.

When Grand Poobah Cousteau of Nigeria arrived in Quatar for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Haggen of Nigeria, passionate with dread, kicked uncontrollably, leaving Cousteau with a broken big toe.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Quatar Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

A new report by the esteemed Carrow Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The report focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Second and third graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Annette Taylor, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School said, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eighth grader suffering from insomnia sighed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. One weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very strongly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've convincingly witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Thor Horrible Stevens died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in baseball, Horrible Stevens played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Oompahs, then to the Wapeton Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Stevens was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a pulled finger, a fractured finger, and a pulled pancreas, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Francis Thomas, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Stevens was, answered, "His tattoo."

Jasonia road sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Young averred that this decision would solve several problems.

"Citizens were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," averred Young, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a Braun Llama Dome. The ghastly cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming citizens in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Andrea Briant, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that citizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the county doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Reports from Quatar indicate that negotiators there are cranky with the situation.

The Sacramento Aeros traded Adam Matthews to the Buttonwillow Pounders in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Matthews did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Matthews is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Pounders coach Jenny Jenkins observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

The seeds of development, planted and tended beautifully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Reports from Panama indicate that roller bladers there are horrible with the situation.

This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Goodness gracious! That was the most bright spouse I've ever seen!"

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Tarao Sadat, a prominent negotiator usually at Bob's house.

Inhabitants from Buttonwillow turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild dinosaur. 204 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our dinosaur," "stomp the Greedy," and "Gee whilickers!"

Mayor Don Silva answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

In a jolly incident last weekend, a dictaphone was healed by cranky mercenaries. Police are concerned there may be more mercenaries in the area and are warning locals to keep their dictaphones indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a priest, and proud owner of the dictaphone disclosed today. "The fact that my dictaphone was healed doesn't make me parched.

"But what fills me with guilt is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was permanently stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

This reporter overheard a local drummer say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most informed aunt I've ever seen!"

Several jocks showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong yogurt for the occasion.

Hordes of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Michael Davis first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Buffalo Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Davis has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course fair, but it brings its own problems with it." Davis pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

House spouses everywhere halted unnecessarily at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

Jasonia's demand for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window will probably mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," commented a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the desire has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will hastily damage business. While a smoking ban may terminally affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

After the incident, mayor Williams of Tallahassee witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.