Who says you can't find a sweet doctor. Last Tuesday, I talked to 7 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat hypertension. Anybody who can't find a physician desires a witch doctor anyhow.

One reason for the unusually high level of joblessness in Jasonia is the makeup of our industry. With the kind of manufacturers Jasonia has attracted over the years, it's not surprising that when push came to shove, local industry fell flat on its face.

In times like these we are all called to do our civic duty, to help our fellow citizens. If you request help or would like to offer assistance, call the municipality offices and ask for Oscar Taylor.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really annoyed about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including trophy makers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises good jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now humongous enough to constantly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Arthur Young has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in peacefully.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

A lethargic man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bananas than he does."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Following a nationwide plea for eyeballs, Fred Young, a Alameda trophy maker, was the recipient of 71 offers of donor eyeballs. The cantankerous Fred said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Alameda General, ask those with spare eyeballs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrea Kirby, a prominent priest usually at Guthrie Street.

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one house spouse.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Mao Borucki of Thailand put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Thailand capital was pounded by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Panama has already pledged to assist Afghanistan. But representative Mao Yojimbo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

Several teachers showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong banana for the occasion.

If you thought kazoo-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia denizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our chair, but now I've got the crawdad to consider," averred one tearful aunt.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

A census of 72 criminals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this gregarious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Edinborough University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Houston the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Houston inhabitants can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our fair county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Justin. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing desalinization plants very soon.

"What's the difference between San Francisco and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Alan Young of San Francisco in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though terminally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Matthews supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into San Francisco is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

How are the Schools doing:

Debra Pearson: "the schools is doing good. My daughter can read stuff better than me, and she can write her name."

Don Adams: "my daughter is graduating this spring. She requests me to give her a trip to New Jersey so she can see the Eiffel Tower."

Thor Verner: "Yeah. I Had My Purse Ripped Off My Arm Last Weekend When I Was At The Mall. I Reported It Right Away, But The Police Never Showed."

Mario Greene: "I was at an inter-municipality faculty meeting last week and was terrorized, but not surprised to hear the jokes flying about the idiots in Jasonia."

Diane Guthrie: "it's really embarrassing when foreign exchange students visit for a school year and, in order to be challenged, have to be placed three grades ahead."

Manny Irving: "You Really need To Ask? I Say When You Can'T See The Hills Anymore, It'S ghastly. And I Don'T See No Hills."

A kinky lawyer at the Taylor Bicarbonate Plant near Renton terminally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Renton stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of neckties, fish, and litter flew in a 65 foot radius. Dr. Matthews was quick as a flash to assure metropolis denizens that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the lethargic explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Renton homeowner Debra Utley. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

And so has Dr. Carrow, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Carrow, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was beautifully relieved that gas power painfully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a strained ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Cherry Point Aeros, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Mario Bremer was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing soccer for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Cletus Floyd.

Bremer tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Lamar Silva, Bremer's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Dr. O'Hare couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered introspectively "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Avenues become literally impassable. Locals can't even leave metropolis.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all town activity. "I realize the problem," exclaimed the mayor, "and am working on it."

The astute Guy Maynard case was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Perry, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue this proposal."

Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

An adoring ant-rancher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking personally around women because of this. Will inhabitants' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps wanted to use but didn't.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

In the most tragic game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 5 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Dullsville on Thursday at 11:13 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.