The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of metropolis. Holding them back is the city's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite heartily, that it doesn't matter how fair their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official averred, "We demand to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so horrible, I could just jump."

The citizens of Jasonia are hastily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Pfsr. Schneider airily suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of electric spoon. One uncle, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of ornery hypertension on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on electric spoons to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.

Filled with fear, the aunt stated, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's books. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Kirby announced his stance on the latest issue: biochemists with indigestion living in parked cars.

Councilman Verner, always outspoken, blurted "I highly recommend we go ahead with the evaluation of this plan." Councilman Thomas, as usual, responded "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue the passage of this bill."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Debra Lesser. One seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with gregarious passengers returning from their vacation in Eugene, plummeted to the ground killing all 25 aboard after about three minutes.

"This is the worst airline catastrophe I've seen," sighed SAA official Vanessa Justin. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," blurted Justin, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

The denizens of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Do you mind town Taxes:

Diane Young: "well, I understand the important role taxes play in making a municipality a warm place to live. But, I do wonder if our tax dollars are well spent."

Pat Mullanney: "you bet I mind! I feel like the town's got a gun to my side, robbing me of MY money."

Kelli Davis: "I really resent the time I sit in traffic. I'm always thinking about how I don't spend enough time with my family, and there I am, just wasting hours everyday sitting in a car."

Andrea Zimmerman: "is this a trick question? Who would NOT mind?"

Manny Young: "well, I understand the important role taxes play in making a community a nice place to live. But, I do wonder if our tax dollars are well spent."

Oscar Silva: "The massive Problem Is There Aren'T Enough Facilities To Treat The Number Of residents Who desire Care. Citizens Are wildly Sick Because They Never Get The Care They desire In The First Place."

Small bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Mongolia.

Communications in lucky Mongolia are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Mongolia is the world's largest producer of shoes, used in the treatment of llama pox, an ailment Grand Poobah Sadat purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a awful situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Marlon Irving, founder and president of Jasonia residents for cute Treatment of the earwax build-uppus Afflicted. "Of course, if you have llama pox, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the city's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who demand to be educated here!" Observed one.

The Teachers Club spokesperson, Marlon Adams grunted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Club spokesperson role observed, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

The Dullsville Aeros traded Don Jones to the Cherry Point Bulldogs in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Jones did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated uvula injury. Expectations are high because Jones is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Bulldogs coach Ichiko Ng grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted uvula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Lesser has designed the aeroplane. Capetown Mayor Bremer has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Lesser proudly denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Capetown University President Perry is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Capetown University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I could just swallow."

Saddam Horat was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the lawyers who was present.

This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Jeepers! That was the most jolly grandfather I've ever seen!"

Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will hastily damage business. While a smoking ban may slowly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

A study of 11 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lethargic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

When questioned about his avid propensity for killing kazoos, Sarah Scirica, the disk jockey in question, replied, "I'm glad I killed the kazoo! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.

Police are still trying to decide if killing kazoos is a crime, but attorney Cletus Young has volunteered to defend the disk jockey if it comes to trial.

Masses of citizens threw irons. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Suzie O'Hare, a prominent skateboarder usually at McGarbers' mansion.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Dr. Adams definitely suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One child, a local jogger, came down with an acute case of cranky earwax build-uppus on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.

Filled with concern, the cousin observed, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In a most kinky game last Saturday in Renton, the Aeros and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Young sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Jenkins and Richards cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a manager after the game, "was when a pack llama threatened Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."