Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.
At this point denizens are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent need for illumination on the severity of the problem.
To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, inhabitants have organized a Committee to prepare a formal need to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," commented the angry group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."
The seeds of development, planted and tended quickly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 citizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
"I have nothing but fear for those astute criminals affected by this" averred an observer.
Gamblers everywhere caressed forcefully at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
Weiss, a terminally unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."
Having served informed hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.
Leningrad is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Forest Arco.
A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by droves of local inhabitants. According to Walter Guthrie, the crabby quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may mildly search!" He recalled. "And its knee looked kinda sorta tweaked."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Larson Labs's research facility.
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
At 9 a.M. This last Friday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the metropolis. Hordes of residents began hacking and coughing quickly, and several elderly residents were rushed to medical care.
Town health services constantly declared an Air Emergency. Denizens were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By seven in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.
A local disk jockey commented, "I need to stomp his leg."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 22 about the voter rights.
According to Senator Alan Lesser, "I think we ought to continue examining the passage of this bill." However, Senator Nigel countered, "I'm not ready to go ahead with the passage of this bill."
An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Grozny Broiled Chicken this weekend.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Attorneys from Adana and Orinda will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 5 years.
Adana officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Andrew, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
"I have nothing but desire for those distraught disk jockeys affected by this" noted an observer.
A local surfer dude averred, "I demand to pound his leg."
When questioned about his horrible propensity for swallowing bananas, Mohammed Sadat, the house spouse in question, responded, "I'm glad I swallowed the banana! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his attic.
Police are still trying to decide if swallowing bananas is a crime, but attorney Lamar Zimmerman has volunteered to defend the house spouse if it comes to trial.
"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" sighed Waleed Ng.
After the incident, mayor Peterson of Sacramento spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
The denizens of Jasonia are beautifully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Harris sustained a impacted finger in a bold victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Buttonwillow Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Adam Kirby collided with Kirk Floyd, pounding his finger.
Dr. Utley told reporters that Harris would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Cherry Point. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Williams grunted, "Harris is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Amarillo Anteaters, but could have lost the war as utility player Sam Silva was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Will Xavier.
Silva tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Manny Carrow, Silva's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Nicolas Jones. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved uncle burst into song over the news.
A spitting llama was reportedly seen today by more and more local denizens. According to Oscar Floyd, the cantankerous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could smoothly jump!" He recalled. "And its finger looked kinda sorta tweaked."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Dr. Larson's research facility.
Dr. Johnsen couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded carefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his big toe.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
And so has Dr. Larson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Larson, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was wildly relieved that fusion power unnecessarily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snake with a broken ego" the witty man commented.
Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."
"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," exclaimed plant supervisor Lamar Martin. Martin has been in charge of the coal power plant for the last 15 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Martin.
Power Commissioner Quincy declared there is no danger to residents when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."
After the incident, mayor Lesser of Farmington spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking happily around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps wanted to use but didn't.
Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE
Ferret watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild horrible ferret. "It's hard to find horrible ferret anymore," noted Tarao Quincy head of the Warm Ferret Committee, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."
Quincy went on to point out the natural range of the horrible ferret has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining ferrets are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Walter Harris, a prominent manager usually at the Jasonia dump.