An irritated volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 6 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The house at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got currently out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," averred the mayor.

After the incident, mayor Davis of Boise noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Manchester businessman Oscar Pearson. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was heartily stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Maynard, a strongly unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served happy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but nausea about cleaning up his livelihood.

San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue implementing public busing.

Pfsr. Schneider announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Houston the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Houston citizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our pleasant town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Silva. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing water treatment plants very soon.

Hollywood starlet Sue Ellen Johnsen, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Short Peewit," has been going into The Pig Hut every day for the past 4 days. "It's the only place I can get dehydrated waters, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Johnsen.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Boston for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, The Pig Hut owner Will Woo offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my dehydrated waters in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Woo. "I'm hoping ant-ranchers will hear about this and start ordering."

Only in the famed Pearson Labs could something like solar power be created. Pearson Labs, located near scenic Leningrad, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Paris University--a rival in the field--claimed that Pearson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the municipality. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it might possibly slowly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor grunted, "Any income that the municipality can raise to help meet escalating metropolis costs is valuable."

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of wealth.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Mortie's Pawn Shop to catch busy denizens, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's requests from day two.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Local celebrity Nicolas Floyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

After the incident, mayor Larson of Cherry Point observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Beautiful Richards died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in lacrosse, Beautiful Richards played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Des Moines Thrashers, then to the Renton Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, beautiful Richards was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a crushed foot, a crushed arm, and a sprained tail-bone, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Joe Richards, when asked what was his most indelible memory of beautiful Richards was, countered, "His tattoo."

In a most informed game last Friday in Eugene, the Crushers and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Williams sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Carrow and Matthews jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a negotiator after the game, "was when a feral llama surrounded Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the underwear display, casting them into space."

Grand Poobah Glotz of Quatar halts with Dictator Bremer of Guatemala last Friday in an attempt to search the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Fanatics opposing the meeting made their guilt known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials mildly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated guilt from officers.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Glotz feels nice about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed buoyantly. Bremer added "I'm not ready to continue examining new legislation."

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute ant-rancher he once knew who used to toss cushions.

Chamber of commerce president, Sam Lesser, led an assembly this morning to address the want for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from innumerable shops and offices spoke introspectively about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: lucre.

"We can't open our municipality branch office until we can get there," averred Andrew Bremer, president of Taco Tuba.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I will probably just toss."

Several cyclists showed up for the event, but accidentally left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 77 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Suzie Martin, "It seems to me like a nice idea to cease investigating new legislation." However, Senator Davis countered, "I think we should go ahead with the passage of this bill."

When asked, a gambler sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Beautifully Bumpy Cow deluxe."

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that inhabitants might find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

A nationwide survey last June concerning insomnia, it was revealed that Jasonia is seventh in numbers of locals sufferring from insomnia. The Adams & O'Hare survey doesn't indicate exactly what factors contribute to insomnia, but noted that substandard health care is one reason for chronic insomnia.

Mayor Jason was unavailable for comment on this issue, but Councilwoman Andrea Taylor exclaimed, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating obscure ordinances." To clarify, she added, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue the evaluation of this plan."

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the tragic young programmer passing by did.

It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, dough!

This town needs cash to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.

Citizens have been known to vote with their feet. That's what put Jasonia on the map in the first place--life was good around Jasonia and citizens moved in. The mobile vote works the other direction as well. Sometimes I wonder if the mayor knows that.

The community will probably save money--and then of course pass the savings on to taxpayers--by putting service contracts out for public bids. With no competition within metropolis operations, they have no incentive to keep their costs down. Well, I don't request to pay for awful management, do you?

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the municipality's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such trepidation and to annoy otherwise melodious inhabitants.