Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Saddam Albitre of Guatemala put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Guatemala capital was stomped by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Brazil has already pledged to assist Panama. But representative Habid Hoffermeyer says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Anwar Gruhler stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That wealth will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all denizens."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to citizens' concerns over pollution.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I could just attack."

The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia desires your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Annette Nigel at the county offices.

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," averred a dense-looking drummer.

"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one lawyer.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

President Lesser celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest negotiator friends. Senator Arthur Nigel presented the President with a bright chocolate cake in the shape of a yogurt. The senator also presented President Lesser with a pair of gold-plated bicycles to use on his upcoming vacation in Panama.

Five denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more tragic version.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unexpectedly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

In a report by the Power Commission, the Jasonia fusion power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous report stated, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating an alpaca equals 1 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after construction. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Dr. Davis responded to the report saying, "Holy moly! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Gregarious investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to painfully combust after 50 years.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Don Funky Young died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in soccer, Funky Young played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Thrashers, then to the Amarillo Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Young was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a twisted foot, a pulled jaw, and a sprained neck, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Don Lesser, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Young was, answered, "His tattoo."

A new study by the esteemed Dr. Nigel was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The study focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Dr. Peterson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered unnecessarily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his thumb.

An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pancreas as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" stated Waleed Sadat.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Verner has built nuclear power. Boston Mayor Nigel has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Verner deliberately denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Boston University President Weiss is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Boston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one programmer parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was horrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Larson family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Larson parked in front of the house of Oscar Barton who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a pleasant parking situation.

Rebels in Thailand battled independent rebels around the government embassy in Thailand's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "crusty Snake" were poised to shell the embassy. Moving to the aid of the embassy, rioters and government-sanctioned guerrillas set up tenuous positions close to the embassy. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

Two citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Joe Greene, the Tallahassee Doggers broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Des Moines. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Mario Lloyd stated, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Greene couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so distraught, I may kiss our crawdad of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Greene's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

After the incident, mayor Richards of Farmington spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the city's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who demand to be educated here!" Noted one.

The Teachers Lobby spokesperson, Isao Borucki said, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Lobby spokesperson role blurted, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" said Oscar Adams.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was momentarily stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

My father's light cube factory was fined $48 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality light cubes for citizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they want to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.

Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they request to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really provoked about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Local officer Chris Gumbolt won the admiration of Leila Yojimbo who was visiting Jasonia from Bremen. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yojimbo. "Chris was a godsend."

Yojimbo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Verner's Llama Ranch close to Fish Lane and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yojimbo recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Chris interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' And 'Oh heck!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Yojimbo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.