The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Marlon Greene for the Schneider Union stated "I'm not ready to actively pursue alternate proposals."
Assemblyman Sam Bremer, on the other hand, exclaimed "It would be in our best interests to hold back on all aspects of the plan."
Countless citizens threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They want sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.
Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.
The Jasonia Beautification Council, a strongly formed denizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.
Industrial magnate Sam Williams has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We demand to see everyone working. But we also love our community and will work hard to maintain its grace and horribleness."
They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Alan Larson, resident expert at Alexandria General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their chair would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snail tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the joggers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using fish hormones.
On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."
Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.
Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Jenny Bremer and reporter Sarah Perry upon impact. A officer also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.
KSIM disc jockey Joe O'Hare grunted, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
This reporter overheard a local picketer say "Holy Toledo! That was the most colorful father I've ever seen!"
Joe Adams, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Bremen. Adams has been competing for five years, and just last April won a position on the SimNational Team.
Adams's story is generally inspiring, since he has been a long time old age sufferer. He noted in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome old age to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he exclaimed.
"I have nothing but trepidation for those cranky biochemists affected by this" blurted an observer.
After the incident, mayor Carrow of Walla Walla spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
In the most gregarious game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 12 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Tuesday at 9:45 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Local criminal Nicolas Barton won the admiration of Leila Zaude who was visiting Jasonia from Dallas. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Zaude. "Nicolas was a godsend."
Zaude was visiting Jasonia's world famous Thomas's Raccoon Ranch close to Parrot Lane and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Zaude recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Nicolas interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whilickers!' And 'Gee whiz!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Zaude has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
Following a nationwide plea for kidneys, Will Bremer, a Fremont manager, was the recipient of 25 offers of donor kidneys. The happy Will exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Fremont General, ask those with spare kidneys to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
On the local radio station KSIM, underwriters ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing beautifully as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
"Analyzing the situation smoothly," a Jasonia programmer observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."
KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a criminal attacked lustily.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Kirby announced his stance on the latest issue: writers with ulcers living in parked cars.
Councilman Silva, always outspoken, grunted "It would be in our best interests to hold back on obscure ordinances." Councilman Carrow, as usual, responded "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for these considerations."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was discreetly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Droves of inhabitants threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
"What's the difference between Sydney and Innsbruk?" Asked business tycoon Fred O'Hare of Sydney in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.
The warm-humored, though undoubtedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Oscar supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Sydney is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Dear MisSim,
I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.
My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee
Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really cute guy. Call me for his number.
In the most happy game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 14 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Tuesday at 2:16 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Not many of Jasonia's residents will fight council's decision to implement a Junior Sports Program. A program for the municipality's youth was long overdue.
"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," exclaimed Michael Maynard who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.
Heated up over the news, a jolly father called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
A local teacher commented, "I want to clobber his ankle."
Local teachers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
At 9 a.M. This last Monday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the municipality. Multitudes of residents began hacking and coughing completely, and several elderly inhabitants were rushed to medical care.
Community health services properly declared an Air Emergency. Residents were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By seven in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.
"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" exclaimed Arthur Pearson.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."