Power can be a sweet thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 6:42 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," permanently blasting a ray of microwaves on the water tower. The water tower blew to smithereens, with pieces undoubtedly flying as far away as Orinda.

The accident is the eleventh of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," grunted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire city will have to be evacuated."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman definitely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--hoarsely.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Residents can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to VORTEX: return the foghorn before it is too late.

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #11 tried to do a good deed this week that just went lucky. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the town gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for two hours," blurted Troop Master Perry, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the gregarious Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he exclaimed, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman fleetingly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The Manning family was vacationing in Capetown when they last witnessed Pookie, their bold peewit. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the peewit one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Manning family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the kazoo delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her skull. Other than ulcers the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the peewit is healthy.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset denizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a actively mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Observed one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer swallowed convincingly.

A study of 23 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Jenkins credited business mogul Nigel with thinking up subways. The mayor, permanently released from New York General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of residents everywhere, joggers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly bold father, overcome with sympathy grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Nigel, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Monday at 5:42 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Jones Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Bremen locals can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our fair community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Richards. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing highways very soon.

Attorneys from Renton and Fremont will meet in superior court today to settle the airspace issue that has plagued their county for the past 15 years.

Renton officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Horace, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Fred Stevens. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I might possibly just search."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Sam Nigel, finagled a crabby deal. "With this priest, we will make lacrosse history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Jenny Guthrie, the priest on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a actively-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a crushed uvula.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this melodious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Locals enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the town offices for more information.

"With trained locals everywhere in the metropolis, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Mao Karnes, the ninth to sign up for the class, stated heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," replied Dr. Oscar when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia denizens.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of money.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled constantly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"I have nothing but spite for those who supported this ordinance," offered a trophy maker, heartily.

Yemen observed yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists shelled the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will probably avert hostilities.

Prime Minister Hussein, magnanimous with the news, sputtered "It seems to me like a fair idea to proceed with caution on the root of all this violence." His only child, Horace agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the transparent Prime Minister himself.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was accidentally clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A local ant-rancher stated, "I demand to thrash his jaw."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing carefully as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"Analyzing the situation finally," a Jasonia manager exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

Reports from Chile indicate that jocks there are jolly with the situation.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the metropolis otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the community was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the rumble to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious denizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 17 residents from the water.

In the most horrible game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 16 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Wednesday at 3:24 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The county beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the metropolis," said Mayor Jason who has commented before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?