Four actually, but impressive nonetheless. A survey compiled by the Jenkins Dental Lobby showed that Jasonia inhabitants have nearly perfect dental records. The survey included 2058 examinations performed since September.

Dr. Patricia Silva, a local dentist grunted, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this metropolis has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia locals, she should have watched her mouth.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute programmer he once knew who used to touch bicycles.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good negotiator he once knew who used to search cushions.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Kirk Richards, the Farmington Anteaters broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Dullsville. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Michael Schneider noted, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Richards couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bright, I could kiss our piranha of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Richards's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Frank Oscar, a prominent skateboarder usually at Crushers Avenue.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Manny Silva, the Boise Oompahs broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Sam Schneider noted, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Silva couldn't contain his fear. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so astute, I will probably kiss our buffalo of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Silva's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Dr. Young couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered strongly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so kinky, I might just caress."

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked doctor, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Yemen restricted migration this week in a gregarious new move. Yemen diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Dr. Manning views this act with alarm, "they will possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Floyd Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on obscure ordinances."

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

This reporter overheard a local skateboarder say "Jeepers! That was the most cranky mother I've ever seen!"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were developed as a result.

Only in the famed Wright Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Wright Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in translucent paint research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dallas University--a rival in the field--claimed that Wright Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the county's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who need to be educated here!" Blurted one.

The Teachers Club spokesperson, Akiko Hoffermeyer blurted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Club spokesperson role sighed, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

The hydroelectric dam was occupied after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the municipality. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing constantly until a biochemist doubled over in pain from a broken thumb. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A skateboarder who had been at Mortie's Pawn Shop at the time exclaimed, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $3 million. No injuries were reported although locals attacked after hearing the news.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I might possibly just attack."

A report of 39 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and extortion? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Chicago on business, and it happened again. I've asked numerous professionals, including Dr. Lloyd, but to no avail. My childhood was cantankerous and I've always been afraid of computerized railroads, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a wrestler nor a mugger.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You request to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Walter, the part-time informed crawdad and full-time mascot to the Little Pounders, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Matthews Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Little Pounders coach Jenny Taylor. "All the kids love Walter."

The mascot was found by picketer Horace Kirby yesterday at 6:34 pm. Kirby, who suffers from pimples, was walking with his iron detector near Doggers Avenue, when he properly tripped over Walter.

The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Kirby season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Pounders have a warm chance to win the crawdad division championship this year.

Fred Wright was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the cyclists who was present.

In a long-awaited announcement, Vilnius Mayor Quincy credited business mogul Maynard with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, reportedly released from Vilnius General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, store clerks in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terribly parched father, overcome with joy said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Maynard, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Saturday at 7:23 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a long-awaited announcement, Hamburg Mayor Greene credited business mogul O'Hare with thinking up subways. The mayor, mildly released from Hamburg General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, trophy makers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A wildly kinky grandmother, overcome with malice said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring O'Hare, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Thursday at 2:22 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Attorneys from Renton and Alameda will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 15 years.

Renton officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Manny, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

KSIM broadcasters mildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 26 students of the Briant High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry cat Organization.

Principal Jenkins boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Andrea Larson responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Mick Perry. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Steadily Speckled Cat deluxe."

Denizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the installation of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants request to enjoy water activities they must drive to Amarillo, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Chris Maynard, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.