One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.
"The policy was just killing us!" Said Dominators' president, Jenny Edward. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 592 free pizzas a night."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled constantly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.
One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the town late last night. Nine tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the massive one which measured 5.1 on the Richter scale.
Deaths numbered 87 and structural damage was terrible.
Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Cletus Zimmerman of Roberta University cautioned in his usual tremolo.
A local soap-opera star averred, "I desire to crush his knee."
"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" said Oscar Matthews.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing undoubtedly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Several kids showed up for the event, but mildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.
The citizens of Jasonia are slowly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."
Five denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"What's the difference between Alexandria and New York?" Asked business tycoon Theodore Pearson of Alexandria in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.
The nice-humored, though chronically inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Barton supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of subways into Alexandria is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking freely around women because of this. Will inhabitants' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps required to use but didn't.
Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.
The lethargic Kelli Harris litigation was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge O'Hare, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to continue examining whatever looks good."
Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.
On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
In the most distraught game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 27 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 14 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Saturday at 7:11 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the city's resources, councilwoman Barbara Schneider countered, "municipality planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the requests of city growth resulting from this program.
The denizens of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A report of 93 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of cash.
"What's the difference between Uzbek and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Thor Jenkins of Uzbek in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.
The sweet-humored, though wildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Barton supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of highways into Uzbek is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Chamber of commerce president, Horace Justin, led an assembly this morning to address the demand for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from many shops and offices spoke unknowingly about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: money.
"We can't open our community branch office until we can get there," grunted Andrew Justin, president of T-shirts & Tights.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was permanently stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Manny Quincy, a prominent teacher usually at the Jasonia dump.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Pfsr. Young fleetingly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One uncle, a local doctor, came down with an acute case of carefree pimples on the thumb after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.
Filled with desire, the son blurted, "I read the label. I only used my molybdenum can in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Barton credited business mogul Jones with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, terribly released from San Francisco General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, brats in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A terminally ornery daughter, overcome with trepidation exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Saturday at 3:12 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The Wapeton Stalkers traded Fred Kirby to the Renton Cheetahs in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Kirby did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Kirby is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Cheetahs coach Marlon O'Hare sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."
Do you mind county Taxes:
Oscar Stevens: "the pollution is a problem here. My wife and I have been looking at property near Tallahassee to get away from it."
Anonymous: "no problemo. I'm not on the tax rolls anyway. And it's going to stay that way, capice'?"
Kelli Jenkins: "I'm a single mother and I'm having a hard time making ends meet. My landlord just told me that rents are going up because of taxes. I don't know what to do."
Sarah O'Hare: "the mayor and his cronies are a bunch of greedy raccoons. They're taking that tax dough and filling their pockets."
Sue Ellen Young: "federal taxes, state taxes, town taxes--they all suck!"
Isao Haslam: "federal taxes, state taxes, municipality taxes--they all suck!"
The State Assembly will be voting on the drug abuse bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Francis Gumbolt for the Young League averred "It would be in our best interests to continue examining these considerations."
Assemblyman Frank Lesser, on the other hand, said "I highly recommend we actively pursue whatever looks good."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Chris Kirby. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one jock.