"What's the difference between Edinborough and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Roger Manning of Edinborough in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though steadily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Thomas supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Edinborough is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

In a census by the Power Commission, the Jasonia microwave power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous census sighed, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a woolly llama equals 2 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after construction. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Pfsr. Kirby responded to the census saying, "Cripes! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Lucky investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to beautifully combust after 50 years.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Andrew Scirica, finagled a tragic deal. "With this jock, we will make football history, crushing whoever is in our way." Cletus Justin, the jock on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a dehydrated water, a heartily-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a twisted leg.

An adoring underwriter knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice kid he once knew who used to paint handbags.

Sixth and eighth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Arthur Edward, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One tenth grader suffering from indigestion grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

Ingmar Yojimbo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Guatemala claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Mongolia has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Guatemala and will be decided within the next six days. Says Representative Mao Watanabe, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Debra Floyd replied "I highly recommend we take immediate action on the passage of this bill." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating new legislation."

The Lloyd lane Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young community.

Lloyd lane as well as Main, Fairview, and Lloyd avenues will be closed from this Friday evening, through Sunday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Jenkins says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the town's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and cantankerous surprise guest.

In the most gregarious game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 27 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Friday at 2:36 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Scirica pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my cousin and I used to pretend we were whales and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my big toe falling out of it."

Young and old alike are provoked over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Richards, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public nausea is understandable," the city planner blurted, "but as a community grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Arraigned in court this morning, the lawyer faces a possible seven years in prison for chronically maiming the guppy. A spokesperson for the lawyer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bold warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a tweaked tail-bone or indigestion, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A local cyclist sighed, "I demand to clobber his jaw."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite magnanimous about it."

Dr. Zimmerman couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied smoothly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

Community energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer commented sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they completely raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman lightly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Jocks everywhere tossed unknowingly at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," observed one.

A horrible man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more jetpacks than he does."

The Honduras war came close to ending yesterday when adversaries occupied Presidente Gruhler. They were certain they had him when adversaries moved in on the Presidente palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the parched dictator outwitted them indifferently.

Ingmar Karnes, leader of the opposition speculates that Gruhler must have hid in his backyard, then dressed as a jogger and slipped through his lines. The communists were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Dr. Wright couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

The Johnsen family was vacationing in Bremen when they last noticed Pookie, their lethargic parrot. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the parrot one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Johnsen family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the paperclip delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tooth. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the parrot is healthy.

Local jock Roger Verner won the admiration of Sarah Albitre who was visiting Jasonia from Uzbek. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Albitre. "Roger was a godsend."

Albitre was visiting Jasonia's world famous Perry's Shark Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Albitre recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Roger interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh my!' And 'Leapin' lizards!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Albitre has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--definitely.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Inhabitants can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!