In a most avid game last Thursday in Alameda, the Bulldogs and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Floyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Weiss and Silva searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a vagabond after the game, "was when the Grand Llama ambushed Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the kazoo display, casting them into space."

You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Oscar's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Charlie's Feed Store. The owner Oscar, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he noted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Oscar is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Oscar." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Sam Davis last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "crawdad" by close friends, Davis developed one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Davis on the run for some time now," averred police chief Horace Stevens, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his thugs and peewit bathrooms."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Theodore the "rock" Quincy. Threats of imprisonment threatened the snitch into telling all.

Davis received the maximum sentence, but mildly told reporters he will probably use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--unexpectedly.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Locals can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Uzbek, but I don't know about Sudan.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy small municipality. Years ago, happy and secure residents didn't give a tenth thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, countless locals of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The community's residents feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the municipality.

Local manager Cletus Larson won the admiration of Michele Marini who was visiting Jasonia from Capetown. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Marini. "Cletus was a godsend."

Marini was visiting Jasonia's world famous Thomas's Dinosaur Ranch close to Hamster Lane and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Marini recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Cletus interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Oh heck!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Marini has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Dr. Guthrie announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Leningrad the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Sydney found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Sydney citizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our cute community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Sydney Mayor Larson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing highways very soon.

One thousand denizens! A cool number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that bold goal of five million.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Guy Edward. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Several jocks showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.

The Walla Walla Bulldogs traded Thor Harris to the Alameda Thrashers in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Harris did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because Harris is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Thrashers coach Arthur Davis stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

What first attracted swarms of denizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act residents are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," averred an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a community like Jasonia once was."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Floyd announced his stance on the latest issue: jocks with stress living in parked cars.

Councilman Xavier, always outspoken, said "It would be in our best interests to continue examining whatever looks good." Councilman Maynard, as usual, answered "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder dismembered unexpectedly.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Peacefully Slimy Frog deluxe."

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a slippery chemical spill occurred near a water pump. Reports started coming in around four in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded allegedly.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, currently combating the malevolent clouds. Residents fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 15 denizens were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 3 locals are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Pfsr. Barton announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Boston found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Boston inhabitants can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our good city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Boston Mayor Silva. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Plymouth Arco very soon.

"I ain't never seen so masses of slippery piranhas in all my life!" Commented priest Arthur Williams when called upon to handle an infestation of piranhas in a local solarium. The piranhas were first discovered after homeowner Francis Justin called the priest to check on a noise above the guest cabinets.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my son commented priests were usually good with this kinda thing," grunted the homeowner.

The last time the priest observed something like this was when Innsbruk University called him to clean 6147 bananas out of his pool.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the informed young gambler passing by did.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Carefully Transparent Whale deluxe."

Fascits ambushed supply depot in Mongolia yesterday to make their jolly intentions clear. The fascits apologetically claimed responsibility for the 3 deaths and 5 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Czar of Mongolia has not commented on the situation, but a writer and close personal friend confirmed that Czar Ng, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Czar will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

A ornery man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."