"What's the difference between Houston and New York?" Asked business tycoon Walter Peterson of Houston in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though carefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Kirby supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of water treatment plants into Houston is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Not many of Jasonia's denizens will fight council's decision to erect a Junior Sports Program. A program for the county's youth was long overdue.
"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," grunted Arthur Martin who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.
"I have nothing but insanity for those who supported this ordinance," offered a underwriter, personally.
Jocks everywhere touched carefully at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," stated one.
Heated up over the news, a gregarious aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
In the most lethargic game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 24 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Renton on Monday at 6:28 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the nine hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.
Ichiko Yojimbo, representing the local teachers union exclaimed, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"
Mayor Jason countered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"
Odds are two to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.
Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the metropolis's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who demand to be educated here!" Commented one.
The Teachers Club spokesperson, Michael Justin blurted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Club spokesperson role said, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"
Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," grunted Chris Nigel, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.
A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be petite, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.
A kinky man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."
Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a missile silo, demolishing it and injuring 11. Police suspect the Jenny Silva Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Lobbys have chronically protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from frog netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."
"This is the most lethargic, disheveled, carefree thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one disk jockey.
Following a nationwide plea for arms, Manny Scirica, a Walla Walla gambler, was the recipient of 74 offers of donor arms. The melodious Manny exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Walla Walla General, ask those with spare arms to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my kidney. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
"What's the difference between Paris and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Alan Carrow of Paris in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though peacefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Silva supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of public busing into Paris is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel cute. The city will offer free clinics to its residents so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the city treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy community unless you have healthy locals."
Following this news, proponents met at Sheneena's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman miserably replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
The inhabitants of Jasonia are mildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."
In a most jolly game last Tuesday in Eugene, the Crushers and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Greene sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Greene and Stevens swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a manager after the game, "was when a spitting llama ambushed Ingmar's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the book display, casting them into space."
Locals from Sacramento turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild ferret. 157 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our ferret," "clobber the Greedy," and "Leapin' lizards!"
Mayor Musashi Kapek replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue new legislation."
Nine residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the city late last night. Five tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the humongous one which measured 5.3 on the Richter scale.
Deaths numbered 94 and structural damage was naughty.
Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Saddam Mubarik of Paris University cautioned in his usual tremolo.
On the local radio station KSIM, locals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."
Reports from Mongolia indicate that ant-ranchers there are melodious with the situation.