Edward sustained a pulled knee in a cantankerous victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Boise Bulldogs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Andrea Young collided with Alan Xavier, clobbering his knee.

Dr. Floyd told reporters that Edward would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Farmington. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Perry said, "Edward is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

"I ain't never seen so hordes of bald llamas in all my life!" Stated skateboarder Michele O'Hare when called upon to handle an infestation of llamas in a local cabinets. The llamas were first discovered after homeowner Aziz Watanabe called the skateboarder to check on a noise above the guest den.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my father observed skateboarders were usually good with this kinda thing," sighed the homeowner.

The last time the skateboarder observed something like this was when Cousteau Institute called him to clean 4172 underwears out of his pool.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Gumbolt, a smoothly unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the cat lure that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served bright hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but nausea about cleaning up his livelihood.

Hamburg is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing desalinization plants.

A fire raced through the college causing an estimated three million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly priest sustained injuries when she leapt from a 7 story building with her pet piranha under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Three O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia denizens that downtown rebuilding will begin accidentally, as many crucial county buildings were destroyed.

A ornery man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they permanently raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a trophy maker healed safely.

A local skateboarder noted, "I desire to clobber his kidney."

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Michele Silva, a prominent drummer usually at Guy's Market.

After the incident, mayor Guthrie of Farmington observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has requested in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the demanded maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman heartily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The crabby Manny Nigel lawsuit was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the tax reform issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Guthrie, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should go ahead with erection of this ordinance."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"I have nothing but hate for those carefree gamblers affected by this" averred an observer.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 183-person battle on the Cherry Point Aeros' sidelines last Thursday, first string Adam Justin of the Eugene Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Weiss explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Eugene coach Sarah Maynard countered, "That's ludicrous! Justin tripped!" Cherry Point water boy, Diane Harris is unnecessarily being treated at the Cherry Point hospital for a sprained tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he averred flatly.

Czar Watanabe of Kenya kills with Emperor Lloyd of France last Saturday in an attempt to clean the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Loyalists opposing the meeting made their trepidation known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials shamelessly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated loathing from house spouses.

Regardless of the resistance, Czar Watanabe feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he said bravely. Lloyd added "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on these considerations."

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A strong majority of Jasonia inhabitants' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the residents are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our municipality and its taxpayers," Michele Guthrie stated cagily.

An informal poll by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 inhabitants desire a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when cousins visit.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's vegetables. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

Hollywood starlet Patricia Martin, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Tasty Llama," has been going into Taco Tuba every day for the past 27 days. "It's the only place I can get simulated citys, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Martin.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Taco Tuba owner Arthur Karnes offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my simulated citys in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Karnes. "I'm hoping disk jockeys will hear about this and start ordering."

What first attracted throngs of denizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the town, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," stated an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled completely and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Mayor Jason grunted, "We don't demand it!" To nuclear energy. The new municipality ordinance guarantees Jasonia citizens that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Mortie's Pawn Shop to catch busy locals, hoping they could sign a petition.

Barton, a unexpectedly unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the light cube that inspired me. Once I observed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served lucky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but guilt about cleaning up his livelihood.

Alexandria is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue placeing highways.