Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Dictator Mao Kohl of Zaire put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Zaire capital was squished by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Ethiopia has already pledged to assist Nigeria. But representative Ingmar Hussein says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Reports from Chile indicate that underwriters there are colorful with the situation.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Pfsr. Bremer lightly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One child, a local programmer, came down with an acute case of magnanimous earwax build-uppus on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with spite, the grandfather sighed, "I read the label. I only used my one-sided coin in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Locals from Amarillo turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild pony. 236 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our pony," "crush the Greedy," and "Holy moly!"

Mayor Ingmar Granillo replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."

Teachers everywhere dismembered carefully at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

One thousand citizens! A ornery number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that happy goal of five million.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one vagabond.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Completely Beautiful Snake deluxe."

What do you think of Traffic:

Julie Briant: "I'm a single mother and I'm having a hard time making ends meet. My landlord just told me that rents are going up because of taxes. I don't know what to do."

Bonnie Silva: "are you serious? What do you think I'll say? It's terrible and I hate it."

Allison Gumbolt: "I don't know who thought to invent car horns, but I want to strangle the snake who did."

Michele Williams: "are you serious? What do you think I'll say? It's terrible and I hate it."

Jenny Perry: "it's pretty bad, but catching someone picking their nose in traffic can offer a minute's amusement."

Mao Zaude: "I really resent the time I sit in traffic. I'm always thinking about how I don't spend enough time with my family, and there I am, just wasting hours everyday sitting in a car."

Hollywood starlet Suzie Utley, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Disheveled Llama," has been going into Taco Tuba every day for the past 29 days. "It's the only place I can get solar flypapers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Utley.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Turkestan for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Taco Tuba owner Chris Horat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my solar flypapers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Horat. "I'm hoping house spouses will hear about this and start ordering."

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking convincingly around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps desired to use but didn't.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Fred Funky Perry died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in baseball, Funky Perry played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Thrashers, then to the Adana Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Perry was among football's most durable players, sustaining a twisted tooth, a pulled fibula, and a bent big toe, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Francis Lesser, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Perry was, answered, "His tattoo."

Jasonia residents are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last five months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power demand shamelessly test the metropolis's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the county mute," said the mildly-bitter Power Commissioner Andrea Matthews.

Some inhabitants make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced jogger.

In a lethargic incident last weekend, a iron was attacked by cantankerous rebels. Police are concerned there will possibly be more rebels in the area and are warning denizens to keep their irons indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a trophy maker, and proud owner of the iron disclosed today. "The fact that my iron was attacked doesn't make me astute.

"But what fills me with insanity is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The citizens of Jasonia are mildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Store clerks in Sudan announced the discovery of a fossilized rock that could probably be as old as 31 thousand years.

The rock was discovered within the grave of an ancient thief,Mustafa Marini the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Oslo. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of hypertension, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient tepid rock is considered proof positive that house spouses used rocks to treat the hypertension," said Dr. Anwar Kohl, an historian.

Four locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The citizens of Jasonia are terribly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Following a nationwide plea for knees, Guy Young, a Des Moines criminal, was the recipient of 47 offers of donor knees. The informed Guy averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Des Moines General, ask those with spare knees to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

When asked, a disk jockey sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 7-person rumble on the Farmington Pounders' sidelines last Friday, first string Cletus Perry of the Cherry Point Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Verner explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Cherry Point coach Arthur Williams replied, "That's ludicrous! Perry tripped!" Farmington water boy, Sheneena Verner is completely being treated at the Farmington hospital for a twisted leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he blurted flatly.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," observed plant supervisor Thor O'Hare. O'Hare has been in charge of the gas power plant for the last 31 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added O'Hare.

Power Commissioner Verner declared there is no danger to inhabitants when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Holy Toledo! That was the most bold grandmother I've ever seen!"

1 were killed and 11 injured when eight gangs opened fire on each other near Bob's house. Police countered within minutes of reports of gunplay, but their work was complicated when a local group, lawyers Against Crime, took it upon themselves to enter the gunfight, "in the name of peace," observed one surviving lawyer.

The self appointed peace-keepers were armed with fully automatic AK-45 rifles. Both rival gangs fled the scene as astute lawyers sprayed each other and onlookers with red hot lead.

"Our job was done when we got here," said Officer Bremer, "all that was left was zipping up the body bags."

The residents of Jasonia are constantly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.