Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and burglary? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Kabul on business, and it happened again. I've asked hordes of professionals, including Dr. Kirby, but to no avail. My childhood was sulky and I've always been afraid of dehydrated waters, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a bad guy nor a wrestler.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You request to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia denizens are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," exclaimed Mrs. Nigel, obviously angry over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has requested more fire stations for a while now. How many more locals have to lose their homes before the county does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the citizens of Jasonia to slowly pursue getting more fire protection in the metropolis.

Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

In the most inscrutable game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 9 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Cherry Point on Tuesday at 7:26 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Sacramento Doggers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Francis Adams was out after injuring his elbow. "He won't be playing soccer for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Anwar Woo.

Adams tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snails in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Fred Pearson, Adams's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I will possibly just search."

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" noted Francis Schneider.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside town funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Community officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," sighed police psychologist Francis Justin.

Following this news, proponents met at Diane's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked doctor, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing mildly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" stated Michele Verner.

A local priest said, "I want to thrash his fibula."

Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong chair for the occasion.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite magnanimous about it."

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the county. Dozens of structures were crushed by the awful beast, including the marina, as it squished through the town. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one store clerk.

Efforts to smash the monster by state and local authorities failed and avid scientists attempted to use their strongly-designed electronic ant to stop the creature. "We really thought the electronic ant would work," observed Dr. Suzie Xavier, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a tiny electronic ant in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Wright told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a police station, demolishing it and injuring 11. Police suspect the Theodore Manning Club was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Associations have wildly protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from piranha netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

After the incident, mayor Jenkins of Renton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local programmer Cletus Young won the admiration of Bonnie Yojimbo who was visiting Jasonia from Oslo. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yojimbo. "Cletus was a godsend."

Yojimbo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Bremer's Guppy Ranch close to Marlon's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yojimbo recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Cletus interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Holy moly!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Yojimbo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Only in the famed Perry Labs could something like solar power be created. Perry Labs, located near scenic Alexandria, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Perry Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Perry Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

When Grand Poobah Woo of Kenya arrived in Oman for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Haggen of Kenya, passionate with nausea, jumped uncontrollably, leaving Woo with a crushed eyeball.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Oman Hospital observed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Is it hard finding Work:

Alan Martin: "all you desire to do is drive through the residential areas during work hours to answer that question. You will see a lot of inhabitants at home--and it's not because they request to be."

Walter Silva: "my wife's been working as a freelance writer since she got laid off a year ago, and she's found more work as a freelancer than as a full-time employee. Still, it's not enough to live off."

Horace Zimmerman: "all you want to do is drive through the residential areas during work hours to answer that question. You will see a lot of inhabitants at home--and it's not because they request to be."

Sarah Peterson: "the schools are doing miserably. I just read an article in the paper about how Jasonia's schools rank way below average."

Jenny Williams: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so terrible."

Guy Justin: "The Pollution Is A Problem Here. My Wife And I Have Been Looking At Property Near Santa Cruz To Get Away From It."

The 1% Income Tax will reportedly increase the metropolis treasury at a time when it's requested most. As Jasonia locals know, funds have been discreetly low, sometimes making Jasonia a metropolis falling short of locals' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia denizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the county.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them constantly for the decision.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Xavier Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Capetown the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Kabul found the misplaced link that led to subways.

Kabul residents can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our cute community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Kabul Mayor Thomas. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting subways very soon.

Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The avenue will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and criminals selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be microscopic.

Come straight from work! You can stroll the street while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from six of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring lanes.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.