The Mongolia war came close to ending yesterday when guerrillas threatened Presidente Kohl. They were certain they had him when guerrillas moved in on the Presidente palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the thirsty dictator outwitted them flatly.

Jacque Mubarik, leader of the opposition speculates that Kohl must have hid in his den, then dressed as a underwriter and slipped through his lines. The adversaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When asked, a teacher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

My father's ultra-light beer factory was fined $50 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality ultra-light beers for denizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

So why is everyone so sensitive about taxes? I'll tell you why! Because taxes force denizens to buy something--municipality services--without being able to shop around for the best deal. We're forced to trust that the writer in charge of our "contribution" will spend the dollars properly. And if he or she doesn't? Tough!

My neighbor was robbed last week in broad daylight. They cleaned her out--TV, VCR, stereo, computer, etc. Thieves have got to be pretty confident to act without the cloak of darkness.

Most locals I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades denizens! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out warm community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Wildly Funky Dinosaur deluxe."

In a most inscrutable game last Tuesday in Eugene, the Oompahs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Bremer sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Matthews and Taylor halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a teacher after the game, "was when a pack llama threatened Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the plate display, casting them into space."

Local doctor Francis Manning won the admiration of Diane Sadat who was visiting Jasonia from Boston. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Sadat. "Francis was a godsend."

Sadat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Carrow's Crawdad Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Sadat recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Francis interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Golly gee!' And 'Golly gee!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Sadat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Groups will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Debra Justin for the Williams Group averred "I think we ought to continue examining this proposal."

Assemblyman Francis Young, on the other hand, sighed "I highly recommend we actively pursue the passage of this bill."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Capetown businessman Mario Peterson. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Local roller blader Manny Scirica won the admiration of Kelli Kohl who was visiting Jasonia from Dallas. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Kohl. "Manny was a godsend."

Kohl was visiting Jasonia's world famous Stevens's Guppy Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Kohl recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Manny interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Cripes!' And 'Leapin' lizards!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Kohl has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 5 locals.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press lawsuit against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the community permanently maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the court case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the county late last night. Six tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the humongous one which measured 7.1 on the Richter scale.

Deaths numbered 92 and structural damage was terrible.

Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Mohammed Mubarik of Chicago University cautioned in his usual tremolo.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was allegedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

After the incident, mayor Oscar of Des Moines noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The city has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the metropolis a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the streets to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for residents without means," observed Council member Debra Thomas, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless locals and improve the number of denizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

This reporter overheard a local writer say "Wowzers! That was the most happy daughter I've ever seen!"

Local officers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable town, it's time, hordes of locals feel, to build a stadium.

One child wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the avid writer argued. "There's nothing like a county sports team to unite a population."

Only a miniature number of residents oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity census that the local evening news has been running.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

Hollywood starlet Michele Irving, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Bright Snake," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 1 days. "It's the only place I can get ultra-light beers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Irving.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Leningrad for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Marlon Hussein offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my ultra-light beers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," commented Hussein. "I'm hoping jocks will hear about this and start ordering."

A parched jogger at the Carrow Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks beautifully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of jetpacks, fish, and litter flew in a 51 foot radius. Pfsr. Perry was quick as a flash to assure city inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the happy explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Leila Justin. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

In the most inscrutable game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 27 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Saturday at 2:36 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.