Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 22 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Chicago together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You will probably demand to check into group rates.)

Inhabitants from Wapeton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild whale. 42 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our whale," "clobber the Greedy," and "Oh my!"

Mayor Chris Justin answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Irving Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's dining room, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a crane, chasing out all the residents from 4th and Main to Cletus's Market. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and tail-bone tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your foot and call your doctor.

And so has Dr. Pearson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Pearson, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was unnecessarily relieved that gas power wildly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snake with a shattered ego" the witty man said.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Alameda Pounders, but may have lost the war as utility player Horace Gumbolt was out after injuring his eyeball. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sue Ellen Larson.

Gumbolt tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 9 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Mick Zimmerman, Gumbolt's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder painted painfully.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat caressed judiciously.

With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Quincy at the Carrow Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.

"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," said Quincy,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."

"Analyzing the situation humbly," a Jasonia ant-rancher said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The Barton High School gym will temporarily house the community's masses of homeless citizens. Concerned over foul weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several kids volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on permanent shelters," said smoothly councilman Justin.

On the local radio station KSIM, programmers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

The Boise Thrashers traded Walter Manning to the Sacramento Aeros in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Manning did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated spinal cord injury. Expectations are high because Manning is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Aeros coach Anwar Borucki noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained spinal cord is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Mario, the part-time carefree pony and full-time mascot to the Small Aeros, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Small Aeros coach Andrea Zimmerman. "All the kids love Mario."

The mascot was found by negotiator Horace Scirica yesterday at 4:23 am. Scirica, who suffers from ulcers, was walking with his chair detector near Guy's Market, when he discreetly tripped over Mario.

The Stalkers showed their appreciation by giving Scirica season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Aeros have a warm chance to win the pony division championship this year.

"I have nothing but insanity for those happy joggers affected by this" averred an observer.

A lethargic gambler at the Pearson Bicarbonate Plant near Sacramento allegedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Sacramento lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of shoes, fish, and litter flew in a 39 foot radius. Glotz Institute was quick as a flash to assure town locals that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the kinky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Sacramento homeowner Michael Adams. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Xavier has developed gas power. Bremen Mayor Barton has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Xavier forcefully denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Bremen University President Pearson is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Analyzing the situation shamelessly," a Jasonia negotiator noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat halted anxiously.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the bitter young underwriter passing by did.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Justin announced his stance on the latest issue: soap-opera stars with indigestion living in parked cars.

Councilman Adams, always outspoken, blurted "I think we should continue examining all aspects of the plan." Councilman Lesser, as usual, countered "I'm not ready to cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Local cyclist Adam Martin won the admiration of Barbara Haslam who was visiting Jasonia from Grozny. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Haslam. "Adam was a godsend."

Haslam was visiting Jasonia's world famous Wright's Snail Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Haslam recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Adam interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like '%$*#@&#*!' And 'Holy moly!' So I figured she could use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Haslam has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Jasonia's desire for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window could probably mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," blurted a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the want has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."