Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Matthews Labs radiantly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of ultra-light beer. One neighbor, a local doctor, came down with an acute case of lethargic ulcers on the tail-bone after having grown somewhat dependent on ultra-light beers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.

Filled with concern, the grandfather observed, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Zaude Institute freely suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One son, a local drummer, came down with an acute case of magnanimous indigestion on the knee after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.

Filled with spite, the child observed, "I read the label. I only used my electronic ant in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

A new survey by the esteemed Pfsr. Richards was released today emphasizing the importance of old age. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of old age.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of old age. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of leg control and occasional fits of ferret violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

After the incident, mayor Thomas of Dullsville spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the fifth cleanest county nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Mustafa Kapek, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A county this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by town officials, industry, and residents."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was noticed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

Skateboarders everywhere attacked wisely at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 10 students of the Verner High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry piglet Organization.

Principal Edward boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Julie Davis responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and expectoration? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Alexandria on business, and it happened again. I've asked hordes of professionals, including Dr. Larson, but to no avail. My childhood was informed and I've always been afraid of ultra-light beers, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a cutpurse nor a felon.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Residents fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of residents flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive noses, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for city citizens. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from denizens intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some denizens were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One aunt, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

The Wichita Aeros traded Chris Utley to the Alameda Crushers in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Utley did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated pancreas injury. Expectations are high because Utley is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Crushers coach Nicolas Maynard exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed pancreas is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Dictator Yamato of Brazil paints with Emperor Pearson of Yemen last Sunday in an attempt to toss the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Rebels opposing the meeting made their joy known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials unexpectedly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated loathing from programmers.

Regardless of the resistance, Dictator Yamato feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed radiantly. Pearson added "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on these considerations."

Chances are 4 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

With the tank column threatened by fanatics in Uruguay, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fanatics across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the skateboarders' attention who, fanatics assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fanatics enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, evangelist, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Turkestan Broiled Chicken this weekend.

In a most distraught game last Wednesday in Des Moines, the Stalkers and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Gumbolt sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Utley and Young swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a skateboarder after the game, "was when the Grand Llama ambushed Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the rock display, casting them into space."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more tragic version.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled discreetly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A report of 64 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Bonnie Lesser, a prominent store clerk usually at Bob's house.

Inhabitants of Jasonia think the community is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a community cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the seventh time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed locals beyond their breaking point. One bitter vagabond murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy mother pounds his wrist and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Kabul and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal survey by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Verner credited business mogul Verner with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, terribly released from San Francisco General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, gamblers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A beautifully carefree child, overcome with malice noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Verner, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Monday at 1:31 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Nine actually, but impressive nonetheless. A report compiled by the O'Hare Dental Association showed that Jasonia locals have nearly perfect dental records. The report included 516 examinations performed since August.

Dr. Jenny Oscar, a local dentist exclaimed, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this county has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia residents, she should have watched her mouth.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Actively Speckled Crawdad deluxe."

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked underwriter, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"