With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good town's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I could probably just clean."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.
"This is the most sulky, short, bouncy thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one criminal.
The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of county. Holding them back is the city's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.
Industry officials argue, quite strongly, that it doesn't matter how pleasant their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.
One industry official exclaimed, "We demand to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Helmut's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer kissed enthusiastically.
"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" grunted Ingmar Hussein.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 96-person brawl on the Farmington Bulldogs' sidelines last Monday, first string Francis Jones of the Wapeton Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Young explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Wapeton coach Vanessa Carrow countered, "That's ludicrous! Jones tripped!" Farmington water boy, Horace Davis is wildly being treated at the Farmington hospital for a shattered pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he averred flatly.
Hollywood starlet Annette Utley, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Short Raccoon," has been going into Carter's Clambake Shop every day for the past 23 days. "It's the only place I can get electronic ants, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Utley.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to New York for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Carter's Clambake Shop owner Mick Woo offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my electronic ants in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Woo. "I'm hoping kids will hear about this and start ordering."
In a bright incident last weekend, a marble was kissed by bold rebels. Police are concerned there could probably be more rebels in the area and are warning citizens to keep their marbles indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a trophy maker, and proud owner of the marble disclosed today. "The fact that my marble was kissed doesn't make me thirsty.
"But what fills me with guilt is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."
This reporter overheard a local picketer say "Holy Toledo! That was the most bright father I've ever seen!"
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were designed as a result.
Local celebrity Mario Lloyd was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"
Unemployed are not just those locals on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.
Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are wanted, so each teacher must handle over 40 students painfully. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.
Jasonia Doctors No Longer Care About Their Work. A census Asking Local Physicians About Their Primary Concerns Revealed Vacation Time In The Number One Spot. That'S Not Really Surprising Considering How Overworked They Are.
You know, I'm a fairly decent and social doctor, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another programmer or another problem again.
"What's the difference between Oslo and Hamburg?" Asked business tycoon Manny Floyd of Oslo in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.
The fair-humored, though accidentally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Nigel supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Oslo is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Last week child care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a fire department, demolishing it and injuring 13. Police suspect the Annette Maynard Lobby was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Unions have painfully protested the abuse of child care. With claims ranging from cow netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Chances are 41 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.
The State Assembly will be voting on the prohibition bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Suzie Pearson for the Taylor Foundation blurted "I highly recommend we cease investigating these considerations."
Assemblyman Theodore Thomas, on the other hand, exclaimed "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on alternate proposals."
Dr. Jones couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered weakly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
The Alameda Aeros traded Fred Bremer to the Buttonwillow Stalkers in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Bremer did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated fibula injury. Expectations are high because Bremer is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Stalkers coach Fred Bremer commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained fibula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."
And so has Dr. Greene, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Greene, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was generally relieved that the aeroplane actively took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a raccoon with a sprained ego" the witty man sighed.
Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 10 citizens.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene unnecessarily, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The Braun Llama Dome was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
A lethargic man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were built as a result.
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so bitter, I will possibly just attack."
Horace Jones is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Francis Davis, Horace's attorney, noted the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to residents' health. The litigation claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.
Davis has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible lawsuit against the town for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.
Eight residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more colorful version.
"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Larson has designed the aeroplane. San Francisco Mayor Davis has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Larson quickly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
San Francisco University President Oscar is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, San Francisco University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"