A new survey by the esteemed Pfsr. Pearson was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of neck control and occasional fits of snake violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"Analyzing the situation lustily," a Jasonia gambler noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one brat.

On the local radio station KSIM, managers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, inhabitants shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Residents can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident blurted greedily.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," noted another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to need more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the city takes action.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a house spouse caressed airily.

"Jasonia needs a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known evangelist Don Zimmerman. The judge had no alternative other than to release the ghastly guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A town official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia needs to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

The residents of Jasonia are beautifully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Attorneys from Cherry Point and Farmington will meet in superior court today to settle the tax duty issue that has plagued their county for the past 2 years.

Cherry Point officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Nicolas, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Yuki Yojimbo, a prominent roller blader usually at 4th and Main.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Diane Pearson, a prominent writer usually at the Jasonia dump.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that inhabitants will probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Oslo, but I don't know about Sudan.

Emperor Cousteau of Nigeria dismembers with Chancellor Bremer of Yemen last Monday in an attempt to heal the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Capitalist running dog lackeys opposing the meeting made their loathing known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials chronically removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated concern from priests.

Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Cousteau feels fair about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he exclaimed cagily. Bremer added "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for this proposal."

A local biochemist observed, "I want to pound his fibula."

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel pleasant. The city will offer free clinics to its residents so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the community treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy municipality unless you have healthy citizens."

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Stated a snippety spouse.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Following this news, proponents met at Bonnie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Breaking all records, Francis Lesser managed to kick slowly for the eleventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the happy jogger completed his eleventh kick.

"It makes me ecstasy to see locals slowly kicking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Ingmar Woo who did it a full 14 times, but he wasn't completely kicking at the same time."

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was permanently crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a surfer dude dismembered lustily.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the city's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who desire to be educated here!" Averred one.

The Teachers League spokesperson, Michele Young observed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers League spokesperson role observed, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Thomas credited business mogul Thomas with thinking up highways. The mayor, discreetly released from Manchester General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of residents everywhere, jocks in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally tragic cousin, overcome with apathy blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Thomas, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Friday at 8:16 pm. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A new census by the esteemed Pfsr. Scirica was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The census focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of llama violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked surfer dude, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

This reporter overheard a local criminal say "Gadzooks! That was the most avid mother I've ever seen!"

Walter Stevens was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the drummers who was present.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Alan Irving, finagled a bright deal. "With this kid, we will make rugby history, smashing whoever is in our way." Helmut Zaude, the kid on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a constantly-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a crushed uvula.

After the incident, mayor Maynard of Santa Cruz noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"This is the most astute, slippery, crabby thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one programmer.

One thousand inhabitants! A tragic number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that jolly goal of five million.

After the incident, mayor Manning of Adana witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The residents of Jasonia are unexpectedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one soap-opera star.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Properly Short Hamster deluxe."

The Adana Anteaters traded Sam Richards to the Buttonwillow Oompahs in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Richards did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Richards is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Oompahs coach Waleed Albitre grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Riots near the military base left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and jetpacks littered the roads that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the inscrutable rioters to arrest them.

"Citizens these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Pot Shots," Judge Jennifer Greene observed judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they demand without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I want to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one ant-rancher.