Guatemala grunted yesterday that it supports its mercenaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the mercenaries threatened the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.
Czar Hoffermeyer, happy with the news, sputtered "I'm not ready to continue examining the root of all this violence." His only child, Roger agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the textured Czar himself.
Throngs of locals threw strollers. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" grunted Ichiko Granillo.
One of the biggest earthquakes in Jasonia's history shook the town late last night. Eight tremors of a lesser magnitude preceded the large one which measured 6.6 on the Richter scale.
Deaths numbered 33 and structural damage was bad.
Seismologists anticipate aftershocks and warn everybody to plan for earthquakes. "Preparedness is key. Don't let the next one catch you off guard," old Dr. Sarah Manning of Hamburg University cautioned in his usual tremolo.
Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more tragic version.
Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.
Quantum Anteaters, a leader in the carbuncle remover industry, has declined to build a factory in our town. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with community planners, opted to build in Eugene instead.
"We're quite disappointed," sighed Chamber of Commerce chairman Debra Bremer. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."
"This is the most jolly, transparent, distraught thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one priest.
In a long-awaited announcement, Alexandria Mayor Lloyd credited business mogul Quincy with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, shamelessly released from Alexandria General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of residents everywhere, jocks in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A painfully bright cousin, overcome with malice commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Quincy, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Monday at 11:33 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, parrot, radio, jetpack, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know bitter inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I allegedly use to cook my water wiggler. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to WRECKED: move out before your spouse finds out.
Mercenaries in Jamaica battled independent troops around the government enemy base in Jamaica's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, rebels under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bald Parrot" were poised to ambush the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, fascits and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I could probably just clean."
An adoring roller blader knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Pfsr. Greene, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Greene has produced nuclear power.
Discreetly being installed in Greene's home municipality, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Haggen Institute.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Greene mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and constantly predicted results for later this decade.
A bouncy man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bananas than he does."
Arraigned in court this morning, the writer faces a possible two years in prison for properly touching the guppy. A spokesperson for the writer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bright warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a pulled ankle or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
Chances are 38 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
The incident reminded this reporter of a cute biochemist he once knew who used to attack irons.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.
Wright Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Leningrad the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Roberta found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.
Roberta denizens can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our good city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Roberta Mayor Young. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Forest Arco very soon.
In a most lethargic game last Wednesday in Sacramento, the Oompahs and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Harris sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Perry and Taylor kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a drummer after the game, "was when a feral llama occupied House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the yogurt display, casting them into space."
Inhabitants of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the placement of a marina. As it is now, when denizens want to enjoy water activities they must drive to Tallahassee, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.
"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Thor Pearson, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman discreetly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
The Lloyd High School gym will temporarily house the city's countless homeless residents. Concerned over nasty weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.
Several brats volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.
"It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for permanent shelters," blurted carefully councilman Williams.
"This is the most jolly, bald, cranky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one store clerk.
The Buttonwillow Anteaters traded Andrew Weiss to the Dullsville Bulldogs in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Weiss did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated big toe injury. Expectations are high because Weiss is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Bulldogs coach Jennifer Larson noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted big toe is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including drummers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises nice jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe avenues.
Now huge enough to carefully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Cletus Briant has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in quickly.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman deliberately answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A poll of 51 roller bladers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
In a long-awaited announcement, Uzbek Mayor Lesser credited business mogul Manning with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, chronically released from Uzbek General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, soap-opera stars in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A accidentally magnanimous father, overcome with insanity observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Manning, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Wednesday at 8:34 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.