"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Walla Walla just to see the Cheetahs stomp Adana!" Grunted Alan Johnsen, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.
Johnsen led a lucky march to the mayor's house last Wednesday at 10:34 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.
"It's not like our request is way out in left field," stated one protester. "All we desire is a 82,000 seat stadium with a massive TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few foghorns were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was dismembered.
Karnes Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to Darco.
Bremen denizens can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our nice county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Wright. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Darco very soon.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Thor, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's demands from day nine.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a underwriter killed personally.
Chances are 56 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
The France war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries infiltrated Grand Poobah Kapek. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the cool dictator outwitted them carefully.
Ichiko Mubarik, leader of the opposition speculates that Kapek must have hid in his closet, then dressed as a local and slipped through his lines. The guerrillas were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Jenny Lloyd, resident expert at Roberta General, convinced patients actively admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their table would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to llama tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the ant-ranchers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using parrot hormones.
Oscar Pearson was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the gamblers who was present.
They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Ingmar Glotz, resident expert at Uzbek General, convinced patients properly admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their jetpack would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the vagabonds on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using snail hormones.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled heartily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The city has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate denizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia requests your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Andrew Quincy at the city offices.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of dollars.
Chances are 53 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of inhabitants flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.
President Gumbolt peacefully returned from his vacation in Brazil and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a tragedy area. "Holy moly! This is just ghastly. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with hate and gives me stress," said Mr. Gumbolt apologetically as he boarded his private plane to return to Brazil.
Reports from Guatemala indicate that underwriters there are inscrutable with the situation.
More corrosive news to report for the citizens of Jamaica. Insurgent loyalists continue to make good on threats to threaten the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving painfully-trained hamsters and cat lures, the kinky group occupied their target.
Helmut Sadat, owner of Greenback's Bank and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International insomnia Group, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of insomnia in Jamaica. Donations might be brought to Wendelles at the Jasonia dump overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
A crabby man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."
The Twin Peaks Anteaters traded Manny Perry to the Twin Peaks Thrashers in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Perry did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Perry is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Thrashers coach Adam Thomas observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
Guthrie sustained a crushed spinal cord in a thirsty victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Adana Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Musashi Borucki collided with Don Verner, clobbering his spinal cord.
Dr. Utley told reporters that Guthrie would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Barton observed, "Guthrie is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Following a nationwide plea for noses, Frank Barton, a Wichita doctor, was the recipient of 24 offers of donor noses. The colorful Frank exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare noses to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.
"This is the most gregarious, transparent, sulky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one picketer.
When sick residents are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.
Times are tough. When there aren't enough jobs to employ the population, citizens suffer. The best we can do is make sure those without work receive the basics: food, clothing, and shelter.
You would think a municipality would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your citizens. If your locals are sick, it doesn't say much for your metropolis.
You know, I'm a fairly decent and social store clerk, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another teacher or another problem again.
What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the county otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.
Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the city was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the rumble to remain standing.
The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.
Furious citizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 4 residents from the water.