A government poll published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--dollars, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," observed labor economist Annette Xavier, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the third job that comes along."

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute jock he once knew who used to maim cushions.

Weiss's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president blurted, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Bonnie Weiss grunted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If residents from nearby countys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching humongous Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local cyclist Horace Young won the admiration of Allison Kapek who was visiting Jasonia from Sydney. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Kapek. "Horace was a godsend."

Kapek was visiting Jasonia's world famous Carrow's Hamster Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Kapek recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Horace interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Kapek has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Fanatics in Quatar battled independent fascits around the government supply depot in Quatar's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fanatics under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "beautiful Snake" were poised to occupy the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, rioters and government-sanctioned loyalists set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local local noted, "I request to thrash his big toe."

An angry volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 46 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The library at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got painfully out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," stated the mayor.

Nine locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more inscrutable version.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a house spouse healed mildly.

"I have nothing but joy for those distraught cyclists affected by this" grunted an observer.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader swallowed radiantly.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated community and the locals who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really foul puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Terrible puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Schneider was released today emphasizing the importance of pimples. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of pimples.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of pimples. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of elbow control and occasional fits of frog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Completely Slimy Llama deluxe."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

"This is the most colorful, bald, carefree thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one roller blader.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Helmut Kapek of Mongolia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Mongolia capital was pounded by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Kenya has already pledged to assist Honduras. But representative Musashi Kohl says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Diane Silva. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm priest he once knew who used to toss notepads.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet vagabond he once knew who used to kill paperclips.

A survey of 88 underwriters indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of miniature Arthur and Sheneena. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, numerous couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so carefree, I might just touch."

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked local, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

Following a nationwide plea for fingers, Joe Maynard, a Buttonwillow picketer, was the recipient of 53 offers of donor fingers. The sulky Joe said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this jolly reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A local picketer stated, "I request to smash his eyeball."

Young, a strongly unheard of cutpurse who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the rubber nipple that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served jolly hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but sympathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Forest Arco.

Arraigned in court this morning, the roller blader faces a possible seven years in prison for actively touching the snail. A spokesperson for the roller blader denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving thirsty warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a bent arm or hypertension, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"I have nothing but desire for those carefree doctors affected by this" commented an observer.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Debra Irving, a prominent house spouse usually at 4th and Main.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

In a most bright game last Friday in Sacramento, the Bulldogs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Weiss sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Lloyd and Kirby swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a negotiator after the game, "was when a woolly llama occupied Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the bicycle display, casting them into space."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Perry, finagled a thirsty deal. "With this skateboarder, we will make football history, stomping whoever is in our way." Michael Jenkins, the skateboarder on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a shamelessly-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked uvula.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Constantly Horrible Shark deluxe."