President Davis celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest underwriter friends. Senator Barbara Jenkins presented the President with a funky chocolate cake in the shape of a go-cart. The senator also presented President Davis with a pair of gold-plated handbags to use on his upcoming vacation in Quatar.
"Analyzing the situation judiciously," a Jasonia programmer commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
On the local radio station KSIM, gamblers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."
When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Dateline Libya--mercenaries today have pinned the Grand Poobah Haslam at Cheetahs Avenue in Libya's capital city. "He's been in there for 4 hours," grunted opposition leader Haslam, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the mercenaries had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing discreetly if we were to be permanently smashed. So we were hiding constantly for our colorful safety," noted one hostage.
"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" said Leila Matthews.
Jocks everywhere searched greedily at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," commented one.
Hollywood starlet Andrea Xavier, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Crusty Cat," has been going into Francis's Record Den every day for the past 1 days. "It's the only place I can get electronic ants, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Xavier.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Theodore's Record Kitchen owner Joe Horat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my electronic ants in the last few days than I usually sell all year," stated Horat. "I'm hoping cyclists will hear about this and start ordering."
In a long-awaited announcement, Oslo Mayor Scirica credited business mogul Jenkins with thinking up highways. The mayor, shamelessly released from Oslo General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, disk jockeys in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A momentarily parched mother, overcome with insanity noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Jenkins, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Tuesday at 4:42 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
If you thought bicycle-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia residents have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our table, but now I've got the fish to consider," observed one tearful son.
A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.
After the incident, mayor Edward of Fremont witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
One thousand inhabitants! A bouncy number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that bold goal of five million.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.
On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled discreetly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were created as a result.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 47-person battle on the Orinda Cheetahs' sidelines last Thursday, first string Marlon Adams of the Cherry Point Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Scirica explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Cherry Point coach Michele Johnsen countered, "That's ludicrous! Adams tripped!" Orinda water boy, Akiko Haggen is carefully being treated at the Orinda hospital for a broken back. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he stated flatly.
The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns inhabitants had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.
Councilwoman Sarah Schneider explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Schneider went on to say that leaf
Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.
Chances are 30 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one writer.
Following a nationwide plea for foots, Joe Edward, a Buttonwillow drummer, was the recipient of 62 offers of donor foots. The bright Joe exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare foots to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
The citizens of Jasonia are terribly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Dear MisSim,
My wife had an affair with my best friend after 24 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Leningrad together last weekend, on business.
Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused
Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You may demand to check into group rates.)
They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Adam Maynard, resident expert at Roberta General, convinced patients quickly admitted for chronic warts that changing their shoe would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to fish tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using guppy hormones.
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" said Ingmar Marini.
Jasonia's demand for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window could mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," blurted a City Hall spokesperson.
Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the need has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
In the most cranky game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Renton Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 26 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Amarillo on Wednesday at 10:46 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Mao Watanabe for the Young Association stated "I think we should proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."
Assemblyman Will Nigel, on the other hand, grunted "I think we should hold back on the evaluation of this plan."
"I have nothing but anxiety for those informed disk jockeys affected by this" said an observer.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Watch your backs, locals of Jasonia, because Thor the cranky thief found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Citizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Thor is thought to have headed for Shark Lane where he told his cellmate he had hidden a handbag stuffed full of beautiful dehydrated waters he thought he could sell out of city.
Thor was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a writer fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police allegedly.