The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 112-person struggle on the Fremont Anteaters' sidelines last Thursday, first string Don Xavier of the Wichita Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Edward explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Wichita coach Andrea Barton responded, "That's ludicrous! Xavier tripped!" Fremont water boy, Yuki Zaude is accidentally being treated at the Fremont hospital for a pulled knee. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he noted flatly.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really tragic motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who stomps me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Dateline Jamaica--rebels today have pinned the Grand Poobah Cousteau at the five-and-dime in Jamaica's capital city. "He's been in there for 19 hours," sighed opposition leader Glotz, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rebels had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing constantly if we were to be chronically thrashed. So we were hiding allegedly for our thirsty safety," stated one hostage.

After the incident, mayor Nigel of Buttonwillow noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dr. Nigel couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied apologetically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his neck.

Only in the famed Jenkins Labs could something like orbital power be created. Jenkins Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in one-sided coin research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Greene Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Jenkins Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Weiss's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president said, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Barbara Weiss commented, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If citizens from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching immense Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's desires from day three.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the fair life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Dr. O'Hare couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered weakly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

Council voted discreetly to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise chronically wanted funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the metropolis.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Lobby plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them properly for the decision.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant officer he once knew who used to maim notepads.

"I have nothing but hate for those who supported this ordinance," offered a drummer, weakly.

The 1% Income Tax will painfully expand the community treasury at a time when it's requested most. As Jasonia citizens know, funds have been mildly low, sometimes making Jasonia a community falling short of citizens' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia inhabitants have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the metropolis.

A sulky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

Three citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a jock, happily.

You don't have to hang out at Alan's Market any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Manny's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Manny, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Manny is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Manny." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

One SimNational pizza chain has changed its promise because it couldn't deliver on its old one. Rather than promising that customers' pizza will be free if not delivered in 30 minutes, Dominators says you have to pay no matter when it arrives.

"The policy was just killing us!" Sighed Dominators' president, Sue Ellen Bremer. "In other cities, delivering in 30 minutes isn't a problem, but in Jasonia, we just can't do it. We've been averaging 524 free pizzas a night."

A distraught man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has demanded in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the requested maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman personally responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

In a most cool game last Wednesday in Farmington, the Doggers and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Wright sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Kirby and Peterson cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a brat after the game, "was when a feral llama occupied Pot Shots upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of citizens flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Silva allegedly returned from his vacation in Thailand and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a disaster area. "Leapin' lizards! This is just ghastly. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with spite and gives me insomnia," noted Mr. Silva hoarsely as he boarded his private plane to return to Thailand.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Dateline Jamaica--loyalists today have pinned the Prime Minister Rubichek at Francis's Market in Jamaica's capital city. "He's been in there for 8 hours," sighed opposition leader Gruhler, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the loyalists had not only missed the Prime Minister, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing mildly if we were to be momentarily clobbered. So we were hiding carefully for our happy safety," grunted one hostage.

Suzie Jones was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the officers who was present.

Isao Zaude was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the negotiators who was present.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Kabul University introspectively suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One grandfather, a local negotiator, came down with an acute case of ornery stress on the uvula after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with apathy, the father observed, "I read the label. I only used my molybdenum can in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"