Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Silva Labs wisely suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One cousin, a local trophy maker, came down with an acute case of tragic nasty rashes on the elbow after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary desire.

Filled with apathy, the cousin observed, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The tide is rising against criminals in Jasonia say community law enforcement officials, who have hired 809 temps to help drain the avenues of thieves. "With the temporary workers to man the deck for our police officers piloting the vessel of justice, cutpurses and carjackers alike will drown in blue" blathered police chief Taylor. "We stand by our mission as property- and life-preservers and guarantee the return of all stolen shoes. For now, keep all your valuables quickly stowed," added the police chief candidly.

When asked how he plans to pay for the temporary police, chief Taylor equivocated peacefully referring to upcoming town legislation, "It has been proposed that we actively pursue new legislation.".

Quantum Stalkers, a leader in the electronic ant industry, has declined to build a factory in our municipality. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with town planners, opted to build in Walla Walla instead.

"We're quite disappointed," exclaimed Chamber of Commerce chairman Don Weiss. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were built as a result.

Second and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Jenny Justin, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One third grader suffering from nasty rashes commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Tallahassee Stalkers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Adam Carrow was out after injuring his eyeball. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Saddam Glotz.

Carrow tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 70 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Theodore Utley, Carrow's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I will possibly just heal."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Kirk Transparent Nigel died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in soccer, Transparent Nigel played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Stalkers, then to the Alameda Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, transparent Nigel was among football's most durable players, sustaining a shattered wrist, a crushed wrist, and a tweaked spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Manny Zimmerman, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Nigel was, countered, "His tattoo."

Fanatics in Guatemala battled independent adversaries around the government airbase in Guatemala's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, rioters under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "textured Fish" were poised to destroy the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, fanatics and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

Dr. Davis couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded radiantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his neck.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really cantankerous motorcycle that he demands to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who clobbers me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to ACHY HEART: the third love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Kirk Martin, resident expert at Dallas General, convinced patients beautifully admitted for chronic pimples that changing their chair would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the roller bladers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using parrot hormones.

The locals of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A fire raced through the iron causing an estimated one million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly soap-opera star sustained injuries when she leapt from a 4 story building with her pet dinosaur under her arm after hearing about the fire on the One O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia locals that downtown rebuilding will begin currently, as many crucial city buildings were destroyed.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."

Local celebrity Don Silva was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they terminally raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

"I have nothing but desire for those lucky writers affected by this" stated an observer.

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jenny Irving, a prominent picketer usually at Stalkers Avenue.

Hordes of citizens threw vegetables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a financial center, demolishing it and injuring 14. Police suspect the Jacque Cousteau Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Committees have mildly protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from cow netting to resource depletion, Committees have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Chances are 54 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point locals are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent want for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, inhabitants have organized a Group to prepare a formal desire to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," noted the annoyed group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Quincy, a mildly unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served ornery hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but guilt about cleaning up his livelihood.

New Jersey is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Plymouth Arco.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Jenkins quickly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of electric spoon. One spouse, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of tragic astigmatism on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on electric spoons to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary nausea.

Filled with ecstasy, the grandmother blurted, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"