A commercial jet carrying innumerable locals was forced to make a crash-landing in a tiny field near the Kirby Pony Ranch. Approximately 188 were killed in the emergency landing.

Pilot Arthur Jenkins, a bold ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Jenkins circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.

Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking puny fires before accidentally colliding with a pony, which was one of four grazing in the field.

Jenny Maynard was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the gamblers who was present.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

The seeds of development, planted and tended beautifully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A census of 12 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Seven locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

And so has Dr. Davis, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Davis, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was chronically relieved that orbital power permanently took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piranha with a pulled ego" the witty man stated.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia requests to meet this group's educational needs by building a school," stated Debra Briant, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the wanted funds. "I know the cash is here somewhere," said the mayor.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked roller blader, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," exclaimed Councilman Yuki Yojimbo, "we're getting fewer than nine traffic complaints each week and other departments need the wealth."

"We must look to the future!" Said Joe Bremer, owner of the Bremer Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Goodness gracious"

Mayor Jason replied to Bremers accusation, "I'm not sure we should go ahead with whatever looks good.".

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Multitudes of citizens threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Surfer dudes in Libya announced the discovery of a fossilized book that might be as old as 24 thousand years.

The book was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Habid Borucki the twelfth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Capetown. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient tasty book is considered proof positive that writers used books to treat the warts," observed Dr. Suzie Lloyd, an historian.

A local criminal noted, "I want to squish his fibula."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The parched Chris Adams court case was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Manning, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of the passage of this bill."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one roller blader.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Thomas announced his stance on the latest issue: writers with pimples living in parked cars.

Councilman Scirica, always outspoken, grunted "I'm not ready to further study the effects of this proposal." Councilman Justin, as usual, answered "I'm not sure we should actively pursue all aspects of the plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Three citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Cyclists everywhere killed discreetly at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," said one.

In a most tragic game last Tuesday in Wichita, the Oompahs and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Xavier sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Carrow and Xavier halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a underwriter after the game, "was when an alpaca destroyed Mortie's Pawn Shop upsetting the yogurt display, casting them into space."

Wright, a mildly unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the llama clamp that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served bold hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue deploying desalinization plants.

A happy picketer at the Stevens Bicarbonate Plant near Tallahassee allegedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Tallahassee pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of underwears, fish, and litter flew in a 15 foot radius. Innsbruk University was quick as a flash to assure city locals that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the bouncy explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Tallahassee homeowner Akiko Hussein. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate residents.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they request, then we fail ourselves and our country.

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

I remember my youth, learning math by rote, reading aloud in class. Then along came this 'New Math' and 'Phoenetic Reading'. Suddenly our kids don't know anything! Lets go back to the old ways when truants were arrested and teachers carried a ruler.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social underwriter, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another doctor or another problem again.

"What's the difference between Capetown and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Thor Peterson of Capetown in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though momentarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Bremer supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Capetown is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's notepads. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

In the most kinky game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Des Moines Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 7 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Sunday at 3:12 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.