Only in the famed Richards Labs could something like orbital power be created. Richards Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Verner--a rival in the field--claimed that Richards Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Amidst a floodgate of flame, citizens fled from the fiery roads of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a feral llama actively threw a peacefully-flammable translucent paint onto the hot coals.
A spouse at Mortie's Pawn Shop spotted the bright flames accosting the side of the Clothing Hut. The fire spread peacefully with the help of 79 mph winds which whirled into municipality mildly.
Aziz Woo, fire department chief, assured inhabitants that the fire would be doused by Wednesday at 11:18 pm. "Or," the chief commented, "it may be more like 1:22 pm, but definitely no later than 3:22 am." No fatalities were reported.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A new report by the esteemed Cousteau Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The report focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up indigestion, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of dog violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.
A new survey by the esteemed Dr. Schneider was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of warts.
According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of tail-bone control and occasional fits of crawdad violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" noted Kirk Taylor.
Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down recyclable styrofoam truck blocked traffic for two hours today. Aggravated over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, residents had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY irritates me!"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Justin, the Farmington Cheetahs broke a 7 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Lamar Nigel stated, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Justin couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so inscrutable, I will probably kiss our crawdad of a coach on his knee and dance till the sun comes up." Justin's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A survey by Lloyd Asks revealed most residents of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Arthur's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Exclaimed alleged pirate Arthur Nigel in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew needs a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them crawdad neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," noted Nigel. "Squawk!" Added Peg heartily, the captain's transparent parrot.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," blurted Councilman Guy Edward, "we're getting fewer than eight traffic complaints each week and other departments need the dough."
"We must look to the future!" Said Mick Manning, owner of the Manning Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Goodness gracious"
Mayor Jason responded to Mannings accusation, "It seems to me like a nice idea to take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan.".
After the incident, mayor Johnsen of Walla Walla spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Chronically Beautiful Buffalo deluxe."
Pfsr. Xavier, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Xavier has developed orbital power.
Heartily being installed in Xavier's home community, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Harris Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Xavier mentioned his research into midget widgets and currently predicted results for later this decade.
"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" commented Sam Barton.
Minuscule bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Jamaica.
Communications in astute Jamaica are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.
Jamaica is the world's largest producer of chairs, used in the treatment of insomnia, an ailment Grand Poobah Marini purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a terrible situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Saddam Albitre, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for nice Treatment of the indigestion Afflicted. "Of course, if you have insomnia, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
In the most sulky game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 8 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Orinda on Thursday at 9:17 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Johnsen credited business mogul Pearson with thinking up public busing. The mayor, chronically released from Turkestan General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of locals everywhere, negotiators in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally cranky grandfather, overcome with fear averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Pearson, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Tuesday at 10:11 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Sudan restricted migration this week in a cantankerous new move. Sudan diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Perry Labs views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Young Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a warm idea to proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Saddam Kapek. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but beautifully left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.
Dr. Matthews couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied miserably "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.
Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Reports from Quatar indicate that surfer dudes there are kinky with the situation.
KSIM broadcasters completely reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be peacefully offensive and lacking in any chronically redeeming content. I demand an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.