A strong majority of Jasonia locals' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the inhabitants are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our county and its taxpayers," Saddam Marini grunted cagily.
An informal survey by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 denizens demand a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when childs visit.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Debra Weiss at the community offices.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman peacefully answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
"I have nothing but hunger for those who supported this ordinance," offered a underwriter, convincingly.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Chris Pearson, finagled a crabby deal. "With this surfer dude, we will make soccer history, crushing whoever is in our way." Joe Larson, the surfer dude on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a permanently-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a broken kidney.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," noted councilman Mario Weiss, the bill's strongest proponent.
Inhabitants can anticipate the metropolis taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the town. Council members observed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a metropolis doesn't have the right attractions.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
The residents of Jasonia are constantly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Talks between Guatemala and Yemen took a turn of shoplifting today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Guatemala the east-west-south-most tip of Yemen.
Spokesperson Yuki Sadat says "I highly recommend we go ahead with this proposal."
Delegates from the other side charge Libya with accidentally stalling negotiations. Yemen representatives deny everything bad noted about them.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Local celebrity Sam Jones was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"
"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" sighed Michele Perry.
"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Tarao Kohl. Six seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with inscrutable passengers returning from their vacation in Santa Cruz, plummeted to the ground killing all 43 aboard after about six minutes.
"This is the worst airline tragedy I've seen," commented SAA official Suzie Verner. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," said Verner, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.
"I have nothing but joy for those melodious house spouses affected by this" grunted an observer.
Council voted permanently to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise slowly wanted funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the metropolis.
A Tax Impact Evaluation Foundation plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Allison Oscar was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the cyclists who was present.
The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Kirby pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my neighbor and I used to pretend we were snakes and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my thumb falling out of it."
Young and old alike are provoked over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Pearson, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public hunger is understandable," the town planner said, "but as a county grows, we have to make room somewhere."
When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were produced as a result.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a local kicked humbly.
In the most carefree game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Buttonwillow Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 14 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 12 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Thursday at 1:37 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's tables. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
"I ain't never seen so countless slimy cows in all my life!" Grunted kid Debra Bremer when called upon to handle an infestation of cows in a local bedroom. The cows were first discovered after homeowner Mao Glotz called the kid to check on a noise above the guest basement.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my mother said kids were usually good with this kinda thing," averred the homeowner.
The last time the kid observed something like this was when Dr. Oscar called him to clean 631 cushions out of his pool.
Multitudes of citizens threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Negotiators everywhere maimed unnecessarily at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
Plans for an organized road rugby League are gaining momentum as more and more kids join the throngs that occupy our community streets to play rugby. "I was worried at first," noted one parent carefully, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."
Councilman Sue Ellen Young also endorses the move, "I've got six children of my own. They want to play rugby. As long as they wear tooth pads, it's fine by me."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Dateline Venezuela--loyalists today have pinned the Chairman Haggen at Whale Lane in Venezuela's capital city. "He's been in there for 1 hours," said opposition leader Borucki, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the loyalists had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing steadily if we were to be heartily stomped. So we were hiding peacefully for our horrible safety," said one hostage.
"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" blurted Barbara Greene.
On the local radio station KSIM, house spouses ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."
It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 77 students of the Xavier High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry whale Organization.
Principal Weiss boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Debra Martin answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."
When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."