Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my uvula. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the community. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some residents, and that it could probably chronically hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor blurted, "Any income that the metropolis can raise to help meet escalating municipality costs is valuable."

A local kid barked, "I desire to clobber the ankle of the genius who thought up this one!"

Throngs of citizens threw paperclips. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Wendelles to catch busy locals, hoping they may sign a petition.

Hasni Cousteau is at the center of a growing political crisis. Honduras claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Iraq has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Honduras and will be decided within the next nine days. Says Representative Aziz Granillo, "It has been proposed that we actively pursue obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Marlon Xavier answered "It seems to me like a good idea to further study the effects of new legislation." He later added, "I'm not sure we should go ahead with all aspects of the plan."

Eighth and eighth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got irritated taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Anwar Hussein, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One sixth grader suffering from hypertension exclaimed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

One thousand citizens! A melodious number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that bitter goal of five million.

Gamblers everywhere halted judiciously at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," stated one.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Jacque's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at T-shirts & Tights this weekend.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Local vagabond Walter Irving won the admiration of Bonnie Borucki who was visiting Jasonia from Bremen. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Borucki. "Walter was a godsend."

Borucki was visiting Jasonia's world famous O'Hare's Cow Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Borucki recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Walter interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh heck!' And 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Borucki has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Roger Greene, the Fremont Oompahs broke a 14 game losing streak last night in Walla Walla. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Andrea Quincy sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Greene couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so kinky, I might kiss our snail of a coach on his tooth and dance till the sun comes up." Greene's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"This is the most thirsty, slippery, jolly thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one brat.

Dateline Oslo--307 denizens are recovering in Oslo General hospital today after at violent tornado clobbered the town. No deaths were reported, but the tragedy completely flattened parts of the town.

The National Guard has already begun assisting Oslo to overcome the current chaos in the city. Oslo mayor, Francis O'Hare noted that the estimated cost of rebuilding the damaged areas is over 1 billion dollars.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" commented Akiko Yamato.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" exclaimed Sarah Manning.

Traffic has streaked the metropolis with continuous veins of metal. While it might be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look locals, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.

Not only is traffic irking Jasonia's locals, but it's killing our plants as well. Automobile exhaust fumes are choking the once-gorgeous azalea bush just outside this office building. Day by day I see new leaves wither and fall.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's citizens. 152 inhabitants showed up to express their desire for a park in Jasonia. "Our metropolis has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," observed one bitter attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia denizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," commented one bouncy young soap-opera star.

Tell us about Health Care:

Suzie Carrow: "my mother in law died. Things like that just shouldn't happen in this day and age. Of course we're suing the doctors."

Cletus Lesser: "what health care? I haven't seen any visible effects of health care in this metropolis."

Andrew Irving: "I have not had one good health care experience in Jasonia.

Suzie Harris: "the city's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."

Bonnie Wright: "last night when my friends and I got out of the movies, we found seven of our cars had a window bashed in. It's about $100 a shot to have car windows fixed."

Vanessa Jones: "my mother in law died. Things like that just shouldn't happen in this day and age. Of course we're suing the doctors."

Guatemala blurted yesterday that it supports its adversaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the adversaries threatened the opposition's embassy. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.

Presidente Sadat, distraught with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should continue examining the root of all this violence." His only child, Horace agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the crusty Presidente himself.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were created as a result.

Lloyd sustained a impacted elbow in a astute victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Des Moines Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Jacque Haslam collided with Adam Zimmerman, clobbering his elbow.

Dr. Xavier told reporters that Lloyd would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wapeton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Davis averred, "Lloyd is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The Lesser family was vacationing in New Jersey when they last spotted Pookie, their crabby buffalo. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the buffalo one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Lesser family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the bicycle delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her fibula. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the buffalo is healthy.

Arraigned in court this morning, the kid faces a possible five years in prison for beautifully attacking the buffalo. A spokesperson for the kid denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving astute warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a crushed fibula or astigmatism, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Chris Gumbolt, a prominent lawyer usually at Doggers Avenue.

"This is the most carefree, bumpy, cool thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one teacher.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.