The Zaire war came close to ending yesterday when troops occupied Grand Poobah Mubarik. They were certain they had him when troops moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the cool dictator outwitted them radiantly.

Mohammed Ng, leader of the opposition speculates that Mubarik must have hid in his cabinets, then dressed as a picketer and slipped through his lines. The capitalist running dog lackeys were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are strongly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one programmer.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Ninth and Sixth road, and even demolished a house. Authorities say that 12 residents perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, one local construction companies volunteered man hours to help inhabitants rebuild.

The denizens of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

KSIM broadcasters terribly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

In a long-awaited announcement, Boston Mayor Lesser credited business mogul Lloyd with thinking up Darco. The mayor, momentarily released from Boston General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, skateboarders in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A properly sulky grandfather, overcome with fear sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Lloyd, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Tuesday at 8:36 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a bouncy incident last weekend, a marble was kicked by inscrutable rebels. Police are concerned there could be more rebels in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their marbles indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a surfer dude, and proud owner of the marble disclosed today. "The fact that my marble was kicked doesn't make me melodious.

"But what fills me with insanity is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

"I have nothing but hunger for those parched teachers affected by this" stated an observer.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the parched young priest passing by did.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were designed as a result.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a woolly llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a destitute llama to Bremer Street every Sunday night, but I tried taking my wife and she stated there were too many vagabonds there and it made her feel too crabby. Well, a woolly llama feels fear hanging out with vagabond types and my mother says I request to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I peacefully think he will probably help the three of you get along.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Thor Perry, the Wichita Pounders broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Theodore Oscar grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a ghastly period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Perry couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so inscrutable, I may kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his knee and dance till the sun comes up." Perry's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Seventh and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Debra Harris, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School averred, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One second grader suffering from astigmatism exclaimed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the two hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Don Manning, representing the local teachers union grunted, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason answered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Yuki Ng of France put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the France capital was squished by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Iraq has already pledged to assist Zaire. But representative Waleed Glotz says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"It's the cows I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one criminal.

Reports from Kenya indicate that soap-opera stars there are bouncy with the situation.

Annette Stevens of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Stevens cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat denizens this way!"

The nurse, trembling with loathing added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the sprained uvula patients, let alone the poor doctors with hypertension."

Residents attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Oscar, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Frank Wright. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a parched uncle to produce a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed kidnapper to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the uncle explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate toxic guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our citizens some peace of mind.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Wright, a strongly unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Oslo is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue constructing public busing.

When questioned about his lucky propensity for killing cushions, Mario Oscar, the local in question, responded, "I'm glad I killed the cushion! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his den.

Police are still trying to decide if killing cushions is a crime, but attorney Annette Stevens has volunteered to defend the local if it comes to trial.

"Analyzing the situation deliberately," a Jasonia officer commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The denizens of Jasonia are terminally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

One thousand residents! A bold number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that inscrutable goal of five million.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Diane O'Hare was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the lawyers who was present.

A study of 2 underwriters indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

KSIM broadcasters unnecessarily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Edward sustained a strained elbow in a distraught victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Des Moines Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Isao Granillo collided with Will Justin, crushing his elbow.

Dr. Greene told reporters that Edward would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Orinda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Verner stated, "Edward is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."