"I ain't never seen so masses of slimy sharks in all my life!" Said negotiator Ichiko Yojimbo when called upon to handle an infestation of sharks in a local basement. The sharks were first discovered after homeowner Will Weiss called the negotiator to check on a noise above the guest dining room.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my son sighed negotiators were usually good with this kinda thing," stated the homeowner.
The last time the negotiator spotted something like this was when Pfsr. Weiss called him to clean 648 cushions out of his pool.
When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I will probably just dismember."
When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so bright, I could just search."
They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Hasni Albitre, resident expert at Vilnius General, convinced patients discreetly admitted for chronic stress that changing their plate would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the drummers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using whale hormones.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jogger killed painfully.
Adversaries in Iraq battled independent adversaries around the government airbase in Iraq's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, fanatics under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "short Cat" were poised to destroy the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, loyalists and government-sanctioned rioters set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.
When asked, a jogger sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one jock.
The Sacramento Aeros traded Frank Thomas to the Eugene Doggers in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Thomas did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Thomas is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Doggers coach Mustafa Yojimbo blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."
Dear MisSim,
I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.
Dear Tired, Who exclaimed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?
Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.
In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, residents shared concerns over the lack of police protection.
"Inhabitants can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident stated hoarsely.
"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," averred another resident. "This has got to change!"
The group faced the mayor to need more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the county takes action.
An adoring skateboarder knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the leg as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the metropolis. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some locals, and that it will probably properly hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor averred, "Any income that the metropolis can raise to help meet escalating metropolis costs is valuable."
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
A local trophy maker blurted, "I demand to stomp his nose."
A local lawyer barked, "I desire to thrash the arm of the genius who thought up this one!"
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Wright pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my aunt and I used to pretend we were raccoons and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my thumb falling out of it."
Young and old alike are annoyed over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Manning, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public ecstasy is understandable," the town planner blurted, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of petite Mario and Sue Ellen. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.
Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, masses of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman proudly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Cletus Pearson, a prominent lawyer usually at the drive-in movies.
A domestic jet containing a foreign store clerk, a spitting llama, and 154 bicycles crashed into Clothing Hut, crushing all the patrons inside. Jenny Weiss, the store's owner, was scared at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Marlon?"
All 105 passengers aboard were killed and a spitting llama is missing. The crabby mammal is probably suffering from hypertension and wants treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia inhabitants to "further study the effects of the passage of this bill before anything else."
"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" said Ingmar Zaude.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
A study of 31 officers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Two residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more ornery version.
Arraigned in court this morning, the lawyer faces a possible four years in prison for beautifully painting the cow. A spokesperson for the lawyer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving inscrutable warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a pulled skull or stress, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was shamelessly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Odds are four to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Will's Record Bedroom this weekend.
Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a park, demolishing it and injuring 18. Police suspect the Allison Utley Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Leagues have permanently protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from raccoon netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Peacefully Slippery Parrot deluxe."
In the most gregarious game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 2 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Des Moines on Thursday at 8:13 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Richards enthusiastically suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One son, a local cyclist, came down with an acute case of tragic insomnia on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary ecstasy.
Filled with apathy, the father commented, "I read the label. I only used my simulated city in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"