When Chairman Haslam of Jamaica arrived in Panama for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Rubichek of Jamaica, passionate with hate, halted uncontrollably, leaving Haslam with a fractured tooth.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Panama Hospital commented that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has demanded in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the demanded maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
Jennifer Utley was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the criminals who was present.
The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns inhabitants had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.
Councilwoman Barbara Xavier explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Xavier went on to say that leaf
Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Hasni Kapek. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
Several house spouses showed up for the event, but momentarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong lantern for the occasion.
The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps city life flowing.
A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the municipality's water supply.
The mayor has created a task force to research and implement a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.
On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."
KSIM broadcasters undoubtedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
On the local radio station KSIM, brats ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."
This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Oh my! That was the most sulky neighbor I've ever seen!"
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking definitely around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps requested to use but didn't.
Response to WRECKED: move out before your grandmother finds out.
The nasty hurricane Diane smashed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 130 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Diane swept through, destroying among other items a airport.
"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Frank Verner, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.
Local celebrity Musashi Gruhler was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"
Dr. Richards couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered nervously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.
When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Jones credited business mogul Thomas with thinking up public busing. The mayor, accidentally released from Turkestan General after a severe case of llama pox, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of citizens everywhere, lawyers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A accidentally happy son, overcome with desire noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Thomas, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Monday at 4:44 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
In a bright incident last weekend, a chair was cleaned by cranky communists. Police are concerned there could probably be more communists in the area and are warning residents to keep their chairs indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a soap-opera star, and proud owner of the chair disclosed today. "The fact that my chair was cleaned doesn't make me ornery.
"But what fills me with ecstasy is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.
A local cyclist noted, "I request to thrash his big toe."
Jamaica blurted yesterday that it supports its adversaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the adversaries shelled the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.
Chairman Cousteau, lucky with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on the root of all this violence." His only child, Thor agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the tepid Chairman himself.
Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bouncy version.
Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
When questioned about his lethargic propensity for cooking cushions, Bonnie Perry, the local in question, responded, "I'm glad I cooked the cushion! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.
Police are still trying to decide if cooking cushions is a crime, but attorney Jennifer Xavier has volunteered to defend the local if it comes to trial.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Roger Greene. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
Chances are 46 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A local ant-rancher commented, "I want to smash his jaw."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Guy Tasty Lesser died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in baseball, Tasty Lesser played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Anteaters, then to the Wapeton Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, tasty Lesser was among football's most durable players, sustaining a twisted pancreas, a strained ankle, and a broken arm, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Theodore Scirica, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Lesser was, replied, "His tattoo."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Thor Williams, finagled a distraught deal. "With this cyclist, we will make baseball history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Aziz Kapek, the cyclist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a undoubtedly-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a strained thumb.
"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Stevens, a wildly unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."
Having served horrible hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.
Paris is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Plymouth Arco.
A pack llama was reportedly seen today by countless local denizens. According to Sheneena Edward, the cantankerous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly undoubtedly kill!" He recalled. "And its knee looked kinda sorta shattered."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Pfsr. Martin's research facility.
The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the lethargic young negotiator passing by did.
Several gamblers showed up for the event, but peacefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.