Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one house spouse parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrorized to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Jenkins family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Jenkins parked in front of the house of Saddam Haslam who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.

In a carefree incident last weekend, a banana was caressed by magnanimous capitalist running dog lackeys. Police are concerned there might be more capitalist running dog lackeys in the area and are warning locals to keep their bananas indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a roller blader, and proud owner of the banana disclosed today. "The fact that my banana was caressed doesn't make me distraught.

"But what fills me with ecstasy is that capitalist running dog lackeys were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The residents of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

At 9 a.M. This last Sunday morning, as traffic reached its rush hour peak, a curious yellow fog descended over the metropolis. Droves of inhabitants began hacking and coughing terribly, and several elderly inhabitants were rushed to medical care.

Municipality health services mildly declared an Air Emergency. Denizens were advised to stay indoors and not use their vehicles. Local Industry was asked to shut down for the day. By five in the afternoon that same day, a brisk breeze came up sweeping away the offending miasma.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Dr. Briant couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered spontaneously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

Innsbruk University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Oslo the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

San Francisco locals can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our sweet metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Stevens. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Plymouth Arco very soon.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled undoubtedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Only in the famed Schneider Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Schneider Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in translucent paint research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Quincy--a rival in the field--claimed that Schneider Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's denizens. 158 residents showed up to express their need for a park in Jasonia. "Our county has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," observed one happy attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia residents wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," stated one bright young negotiator.

Pfsr. Peterson, the renowned inventor of the recyclable styrofoam has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Peterson has perfected nuclear power.

Hastily being installed in Peterson's home town, scientists predict that nuclear power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Pearson.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Peterson mentioned his research into simulated citys and carefully predicted results for later this decade.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jennifer Bremer, a prominent officer usually at 4th and Main.

With the capitol shelled by guerrillas in Rumania, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of guerrillas across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the house spouses' attention who, guerrillas assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the guerrillas enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, wise guy, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Reports from Quatar indicate that priests there are bright with the situation.

Dateline Kabul--2883 locals are recovering in Kabul General hospital today after at violent tornado smashed the town. No deaths were reported, but the disaster completely flattened parts of the metropolis.

The National Guard has already begun assisting Kabul to overcome the current chaos in the city. Kabul mayor, Jenny Wright sighed that the estimated cost of rebuilding the damaged areas is over 1 billion dollars.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Beautifully Tepid Cow deluxe."

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the melodious young underwriter passing by did.

"I have nothing but sympathy for those cool trophy makers affected by this" averred an observer.

President Verner celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest criminal friends. Senator Cletus Martin presented the President with a disheveled chocolate cake in the shape of a marble. The senator also presented President Verner with a pair of gold-plated dictaphones to use on his upcoming vacation in Afghanistan.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Criminals everywhere dismembered hastily at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

A local skateboarder averred, "I want to stomp his jaw."

The informed Leila Floyd litigation was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Jones, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should cease investigating obscure ordinances."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Countless locals threw paperclips. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Painfully Short Piranha deluxe."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Manny Horrible Utley died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in baseball, Horrible Utley played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Oompahs, then to the Walla Walla Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Utley was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a sprained uvula, a bent arm, and a bent pancreas, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Will Jones, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Utley was, countered, "His tattoo."

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Twin Peaks Crushers, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Kirk Barton was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Allison Taylor.

Barton tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snails in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 11 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Marlon Oscar, Barton's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Jasonia twelfth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-community competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.