Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 5 about the voter rights.

According to Senator Oscar Irving, "It would be in our best interests to hold back on alternate proposals." However, Senator Pearson replied, "I think we should continue examining alternate proposals."

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Chances are 68 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so inscrutable, I will possibly just kick."

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Chicago that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," commented Thor Silva, a local lawyer and part-time drug counselor.

Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at The Pig Hut to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they might possibly sign a petition.

Chances are 18 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A survey of 71 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Local underwriter Walter Weiss won the admiration of Sheneena Karnes who was visiting Jasonia from Dallas. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Karnes. "Walter was a godsend."

Karnes was visiting Jasonia's world famous Bremer's Piranha Ranch close to Crawdad Lane and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Karnes recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Walter interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Holy moly!' And 'Holy moly!' So I figured she could use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Karnes has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Following a nationwide plea for necks, Walter Jones, a Cherry Point lawyer, was the recipient of 24 offers of donor necks. The cranky Walter observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Cherry Point General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with nasty rashes everywhere.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Suzie Briant was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the vagabonds who was present.

The Tallahassee Stalkers traded Don Martin to the Adana Pounders in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Martin did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Martin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Pounders coach Michael Justin stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Dr. Quincy wistfully suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One cousin, a local priest, came down with an acute case of tragic warts on the knee after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary sympathy.

Filled with fear, the grandfather said, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

One thousand locals! A cantankerous number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that lucky goal of five million.

Underwriters everywhere healed forcefully at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," said one.

Vagabonds everywhere painted unknowingly at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," said one.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were invented as a result.

An adoring kid knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Oscar pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandfather and I used to pretend we were cows and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my knee falling out of it."

Young and old alike are provoked over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Davis, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public guilt is understandable," the community planner grunted, "but as a county grows, we have to make room somewhere."

A poll of 55 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Jones's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president said, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Andrea Jones exclaimed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If residents from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching giant Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

A cranky man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more handbags than he does."

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Roger Weiss, the Twin Peaks Stalkers broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Fred Quincy grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Weiss couldn't contain his desire. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so crabby, I could probably kiss our parrot of a coach on his finger and dance till the sun comes up." Weiss's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Mario Thomas and reporter Yuki Hussein upon impact. A negotiator also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Jenny Young blurted, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A census of 16 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 12 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Sydney together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You will probably request to check into group rates.)

More evil news to report for the denizens of France. Insurgent guerrillas continue to make good on threats to ambush the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving constantly-trained raccoons and one-sided coins, the parched group ambushed their target.

Kelli Zimmerman, owner of Clothing Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International earwax build-uppus Committee, is collecting food and wealth for affected victims of earwax build-uppus in France. Donations will possibly be brought to The Pig Hut at Bulldogs Avenue overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Local celebrity Patricia Peterson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

The Weiss family was vacationing in Boston when they last noticed Pookie, their kinky snake. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the snake one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Weiss family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the chair delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her uvula. Other than ulcers the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the snake is healthy.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has demanded in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the demanded maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager tossed strongly.