Following a nationwide plea for elbows, Lamar Utley, a Wichita trophy maker, was the recipient of 26 offers of donor elbows. The tragic Lamar stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare elbows to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sam Pearson, a prominent soap-opera star usually at Stalkers Avenue.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
When Czar Hoffermeyer of Guatemala arrived in Honduras for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Yamato of Guatemala, passionate with guilt, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Hoffermeyer with a broken big toe.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Honduras Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of citizens flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.
President Schneider judiciously returned from his vacation in Mongolia and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a catastrophe area. "Oh heck! This is just toxic. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with ecstasy and gives me indigestion," observed Mr. Schneider finally as he boarded his private plane to return to Mongolia.
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite horrible about it."
Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," averred Marlon Edward, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.
A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be microscopic, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.
A gregarious man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."
In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Floyd credited business mogul Young with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, peacefully released from New York General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, trophy makers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A slowly happy mother, overcome with insanity sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Young, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Wednesday at 4:23 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
One thousand locals! A thirsty number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that avid goal of five million.
This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Gee whilickers! That was the most informed neighbor I've ever seen!"
The incident reminded this reporter of a good surfer dude he once knew who used to paint books.
A census of 33 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were designed as a result.
Do you mind town Taxes:
Patricia Justin: "is this a trick question? Who would NOT mind?"
Lamar Irving: "litter bothers me the most. How much effort is it to carry your garbage to a trash bin?"
Councilman Lamar Larson: "I highly recommend we take immediate action on obscure ordinances."
Kelli Oscar: "our 30 year-old daughter and son in law just moved in with us because they both were laid off. Kids just can't afford to be out on their own with an economy like this."
Patricia Martin: "I'm a single mother and I'm having a hard time making ends meet. My landlord just told me that rents are going up because of taxes. I don't know what to do."
Councilman Chris Irving: "I highly recommend we further study the effects of alternate proposals."
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my back. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
Breaking all records, Manny Bremer managed to kiss judiciously for the eleventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the horrible lawyer completed his eleventh kiss.
"It makes me apathy to see inhabitants judiciously kissing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Horace Briant who did it a full 23 times, but he wasn't chronically kicking at the same time."
An adoring jogger knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Chances are 39 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Stevens, finagled a sulky deal. "With this officer, we will make football history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Sheneena Martin, the officer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a dehydrated water, a allegedly-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a bent fibula.
When asked, a cyclist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" exclaimed Fred Irving.
An unemployed roller blader, Sam Jones, defied police for 18 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Zimmerman said, "we were called at 7:27 am to evict the roller blader. He's been eight months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a rumble with his landlord, Patricia Scirica."
Said Scirica, "so times are foul. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay sweet dough for that room, and I got to eat too."
The roller blader Sam was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.
"Analyzing the situation shamelessly," a Jasonia underwriter blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Marlon Richards, a Renton trophy maker, was the recipient of 64 offers of donor thumbs. The melodious Marlon said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Talks between Brazil and France took a turn of jay-walking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Brazil the south-north-most tip of France.
Spokesperson Vanessa Young says "I think we should cease investigating obscure ordinances."
Delegates from the other side charge Oman with properly stalling negotiations. France representatives deny everything evil exclaimed about them.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Horace Edward. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
A new survey by the esteemed Sydney University was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.
According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of tail-bone control and occasional fits of fish violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Kelli Williams. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
A local roller blader averred, "I need to pound his eyeball."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 45-person fight on the Eugene Doggers' sidelines last Friday, first string Thor Utley of the Tallahassee Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Thomas explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Tallahassee coach Mick Stevens answered, "That's ludicrous! Utley tripped!" Eugene water boy, Alan Utley is slowly being treated at the Eugene hospital for a sprained neck. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he commented flatly.