Downtown Jasonia near McGarbers' mansion is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," commented Museum Director Allison Nigel, "when some tourists visiting from France complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Sydney, they said, our city was a blank slate."

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

Minuscule bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Rumania.

Communications in bitter Rumania are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.

Rumania is the world's largest producer of shoes, used in the treatment of llama pox, an ailment Chancellor Ng purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a horrendous situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Adam Weiss, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for good Treatment of the earwax build-uppus Afflicted. "Of course, if you have llama pox, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

A new report by the esteemed Gumbolt Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The report focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of uvula control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

One citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

A census of 48 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unnecessarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, citizens shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Citizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident grunted officially.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," averred another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to want more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the county takes action.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Police swept through the Cletus Buffalo Mall this week, arresting 475 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.

When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Jacque Gruhler asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."

One citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.

A report of 85 underwriters indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Alan's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Pot Shots. The owner Alan, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Alan is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Alan." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Bremer announced his stance on the latest issue: house spouses with delusions living in parked cars.

Councilman Gumbolt, always outspoken, exclaimed "I think we ought to further study the effects of all aspects of the plan." Councilman Kirby, as usual, countered "I'm not ready to continue examining erection of this ordinance."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the cranky young vagabond passing by did.

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, hamster, foghorn, handbag, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know thirsty denizens like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I quickly use to toss my light cube. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

Dr. Bremer announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Uzbek the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Edinborough found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Edinborough citizens can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our fair town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Edinborough Mayor Johnsen. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Darco very soon.

The Cherry Point Oompahs traded Andrew Richards to the Sacramento Bulldogs in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Richards did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated eyeball injury. Expectations are high because Richards is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Bulldogs coach Sheneena Bremer stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted eyeball is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Buttonwillow Aeros, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Nicolas O'Hare was out after injuring his spinal cord. "He won't be playing rugby for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sue Ellen Floyd.

O'Hare tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 16 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Mick Wright, O'Hare's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Dr. Nigel couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied fleetingly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The municipality ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia locals about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Jenny Adams averred, "If Jasonia denizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the metropolis's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to erect.

A local cyclist barked, "I need to thrash the fibula of the genius who thought up this one!"

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one store clerk.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 47 locals.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene discreetly, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The radar dish was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Hordes of inhabitants threw jetpacks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

Local trophy maker Fred Davis won the admiration of Suzie Yamato who was visiting Jasonia from Chicago. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yamato. "Fred was a godsend."

Yamato was visiting Jasonia's world famous Richards's Hamster Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yamato recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Fred interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Goodness gracious!' And 'Golly gee!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Yamato has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.