I believe smoothly in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of city expenses?

What a group of nimrods!! I don't mean our lackluster students, I mean us, the adults of Jasonia for letting our schools get so shoddy. We've got to push for changes NOW. What are you waiting for! Is anyone out there listening?

Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A survey asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the municipality's inhabitants. I guess it's rather rude to show such hunger and to bother otherwise kinky locals.

Today numerous Jasonia denizens are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia residents.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the parking lot where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at McGarbers' mansion. The station wants volunteers badly and is also in need of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Saddam Cousteau at City Hall, or look for Mick Schneider at McGarbers' mansion.

Pfsr. Johnsen announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Leningrad the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Hamburg found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Hamburg inhabitants can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our nice county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Hamburg Mayor Zimmerman. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing water treatment plants very soon.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Frank Speckled Lloyd died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in football, Speckled Lloyd played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Twin Peaks Aeros, then to the Santa Cruz Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, speckled Lloyd was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a crushed tail-bone, a fractured back, and a sprained pinky finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Nicolas Utley, when asked what was his most indelible memory of speckled Lloyd was, replied, "His tattoo."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Michael Tasty Adams died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in football, Tasty Adams played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Pounders, then to the Wichita Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tasty Adams was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a crushed tibia, a twisted finger, and a tweaked pancreas, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Don Justin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Adams was, answered, "His tattoo."

Dateline Zaire--rebels today have pinned the Emperor Rubichek at Raccoon Lane in Zaire's capital city. "He's been in there for 2 hours," observed opposition leader Yamato, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rebels had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing reportedly if we were to be mildly clobbered. So we were hiding smoothly for our magnanimous safety," sighed one hostage.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"Analyzing the situation spontaneously," a Jasonia house spouse observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

President Perry celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest lawyer friends. Senator Walter Lloyd presented the President with a slimy chocolate cake in the shape of a shoe. The senator also presented President Perry with a pair of gold-plated dictaphones to use on his upcoming vacation in Rumania.

Chances are 9 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Six residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more cantankerous version.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's demands from day nine.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"Jasonia needs a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known thug Adam Quincy. The judge had no alternative other than to release the nasty guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A town official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia requests to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled currently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Jennifer Pearson, resident expert at Oslo General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their book would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to peewit tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the ant-ranchers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using dog hormones.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet brat he once knew who used to kiss tables.

The Sudan war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries surrounded Chancellor Rubichek. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the informed dictator outwitted them officially.

Ingmar Albitre, leader of the opposition speculates that Rubichek must have hid in his attic, then dressed as a biochemist and slipped through his lines. The rebels were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

After the incident, mayor Guthrie of Eugene noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was unnecessarily pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Only in the famed Davis Labs could something like orbital power be created. Davis Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in one-sided coin research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Williams--a rival in the field--claimed that Davis Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The community ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia residents about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Allison O'Hare noted, "If Jasonia denizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the municipality's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to install.

The locals of Jasonia are momentarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Blurted a snippety mother.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable city, it's time, throngs of residents feel, to build a stadium.

One spouse wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the cool writer argued. "There's nothing like a county sports team to unite a population."

Only a miniature number of inhabitants oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity study that the local evening news has been running.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman painfully countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal denizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who blurted you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.