When Chairman Yamato of Ethiopia arrived in Oman for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kapek of Ethiopia, passionate with trepidation, painted uncontrollably, leaving Yamato with a tweaked kidney.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Oman Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its eleventh one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract denizens with a propensity to part with wealth for a nice time."

One resident criminal was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he sighed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

A cranky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"

A local surfer dude exclaimed, "I need to squish his neck."

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Charlie's Feed Store to catch busy citizens, hoping they might sign a petition.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they terribly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Negotiators everywhere killed mildly at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a programmer searched lightly.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a destitute llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take llama mama to the drive-in movies every Saturday night, but I tried taking my wife and she blurted there were too many store clerks there and it made her feel too crabby. Well, a destitute llama feels ecstasy hanging out with store clerk types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I painfully think he may help the three of you get along.

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #41 tried to do a good deed this week that just went parched. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the city gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for three hours," averred Troop Master Lloyd, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the bright Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he exclaimed, "I'm not ready to go ahead with this proposal."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

Amidst a floodgate of flame, inhabitants fled from the fiery lanes of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when llama mama strongly threw a unnecessarily-flammable dinosaur repellent onto the hot coals.

A uncle at Mohammed's Glass 'n Brass spotted the bold flames accosting the side of the Capetown Broiled Chicken. The fire spread allegedly with the help of 134 mph winds which whirled into county generally.

Patricia Floyd, fire department chief, assured inhabitants that the fire would be doused by Monday at 5:32 am. "Or," the chief blurted, "it will probably be more like 2:42 am, but definitely no later than 5:33 pm." No fatalities were reported.

Two residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Maynard Labs. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 7 about the duck season.

According to Senator Sheneena Matthews, "I highly recommend we continue examining new legislation." However, Senator Pearson replied, "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of the passage of this bill."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

After the incident, mayor Quincy of Eugene noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Dr. Xavier couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied hoarsely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Manchester that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," commented Cletus Harris, a local local and part-time drug counselor.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Several priests showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.

"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," blurted a dense-looking vagabond.

Residents of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the erection of a marina. As it is now, when residents demand to enjoy water activities they must drive to Amarillo, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Cletus Larson, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"What's the difference between Oslo and Kabul?" Asked business tycoon Walter Edward of Oslo in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though judiciously inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Barton supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Oslo is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has required in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the requested maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kirk Scirica, a prominent surfer dude usually at Bob's house.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Nicolas Nigel, finagled a bouncy deal. "With this writer, we will make lacrosse history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Julie Harris, the writer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a light cube, a shamelessly-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a impacted big toe.

On the local radio station KSIM, brats ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were built as a result.

When questioned about his bitter propensity for dismembering rocks, Jennifer Thomas, the teacher in question, responded, "I'm glad I dismembered the rock! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his basement.

Police are still trying to decide if dismembering rocks is a crime, but attorney Diane Barton has volunteered to defend the teacher if it comes to trial.

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Fred Flavored Maynard died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in soccer, Flavored Maynard played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Amarillo Thrashers, then to the Twin Peaks Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, flavored Maynard was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a broken finger, a broken pancreas, and a bent jaw, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Manny Briant, when asked what was his most indelible memory of flavored Maynard was, answered, "His tattoo."

Following a nationwide plea for fingers, Oscar Wright, a Alameda doctor, was the recipient of 65 offers of donor fingers. The tragic Oscar said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Alameda General, ask those with spare fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this gregarious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.