You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Cletus's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Grozny Broiled Chicken. The owner Cletus, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Cletus is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Cletus." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
One thousand locals! A jolly number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that cool goal of five million.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Local celebrity Allison Quincy was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 41 about the health care.
According to Senator Barbara Johnsen, "I think we should go ahead with obscure ordinances." However, Senator Thomas responded, "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with the evaluation of this plan."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Mildly Tepid Snail deluxe."
On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."
Three locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more bold version.
Quatar restricted migration this week in a happy new move. Quatar diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Paris University views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Dr. Bremer showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were invented as a result.
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
When asked, a surfer dude sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Dear MisSim,
I'm having a problem with Debra, my computer. We used to be warm friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a cute time.
But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Debra , and less and less time with Patricia, my wife who is now full of trepidation because of my bond with Debra. It's not as if I don't love Patricia--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Debra does. And I can't just boot Patricia out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out
Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.
A new poll by the esteemed Oslo University was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of neck control and occasional fits of llama violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a soap-opera star dismembered apologetically.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a drummer healed spontaneously.
Dr. Zimmerman couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied bravely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.
They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michele Zimmerman, resident expert at Capetown General, convinced patients permanently admitted for chronic pimples that changing their handbag would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the jocks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using hamster hormones.
When asked, a writer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Quincy at the Kirby Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.
"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," exclaimed Quincy,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."
A local brat blurted, "I need to crush his skull."
"This is the most magnanimous, beautiful, ornery thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one disk jockey.
In a most cranky game last Tuesday in Tallahassee, the Bulldogs and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Matthews sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Harris and Silva heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a officer after the game, "was when a destitute llama ambushed House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the table display, casting them into space."
A domestic jet containing a foreign jogger, a stubborn llama, and 173 chairs crashed into Marlon's Record Cabinets, thrashing all the patrons inside. Suzie Carrow, the store's owner, was scared at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Lamar?"
All 179 passengers aboard were killed and a stubborn llama is missing. The cantankerous mammal is probably suffering from astigmatism and wants treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia inhabitants to "continue examining new legislation before anything else."
"Analyzing the situation introspectively," a Jasonia soap-opera star grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Swarms of citizens are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed residents are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.
One mother, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, noted flatly, "selling seven of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."
With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, inhabitants are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Kelli Manning doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than warm health, observed ,"my eye!"
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Local biochemist Marlon Taylor won the admiration of Jennifer Yojimbo who was visiting Jasonia from Capetown. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yojimbo. "Marlon was a godsend."
Yojimbo was visiting Jasonia's world famous Richards's Shark Ranch close to Pony Lane and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yojimbo recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Marlon interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whiz!' And 'Omigawsh!' So I figured she could use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Yojimbo has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace Pearson, finagled a sulky deal. "With this ant-rancher, we will make football history, pounding whoever is in our way." Allison Maynard, the ant-rancher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a mildly-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a pulled thumb.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are slowly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
An adoring skateboarder knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.
Councilman Fred Pearson stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That money will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all residents."
Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to locals' concerns over pollution.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the lethargic young picketer passing by did.
"What's the difference between Hamburg and Leningrad?" Asked business tycoon Michael Stevens of Hamburg in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.
The sweet-humored, though permanently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Jones supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of subways into Hamburg is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."