The Des Moines Bulldogs traded Chris Scirica to the Walla Walla Oompahs in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Oompahs coach Annette Schneider blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."
Habid Yojimbo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Nigeria claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. France has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Nigeria and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Anwar Kohl, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of obscure ordinances."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Suzie Weiss answered "It seems to me like a good idea to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on the evaluation of this plan."
When sick residents are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.
Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A study asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.
You would think a city would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your denizens. If your inhabitants are sick, it doesn't say much for your community.
I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Houston that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," averred Mustafa Gruhler, a local negotiator and part-time drug counselor.
A bouncy woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of wealth.
They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Vanessa Adams, resident expert at Capetown General, convinced patients hastily admitted for chronic delusions that changing their underwear would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snail tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the store clerks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using dog hormones.
"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one manager.
Only in the famed Jones Labs could something like solar power be created. Jones Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in one-sided coin research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Gumbolt--a rival in the field--claimed that Jones Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Utley credited business mogul Briant with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, shamelessly released from San Francisco General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, locals in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically avid daughter, overcome with anxiety noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Briant, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Wednesday at 1:11 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing constantly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one brat.
A report of 44 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A distraught man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more jetpacks than he does."
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A bizarre helicopter accident left one dead and nine critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."
A local trophy maker exclaimed, "I demand to stomp his nose."
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the town's resources, councilwoman Sue Ellen Gumbolt responded, "community planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the needs of metropolis growth resulting from this program.
A parched woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"
An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the neck as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Sighed a snippety neighbor.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Williams, the Sacramento Anteaters broke a 8 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Sacramento Coach Annette Carrow said, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Williams couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so astute, I might possibly kiss our pony of a coach on his skull and dance till the sun comes up." Williams's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Strongly Tasty Piranha deluxe."
"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Twin Peaks just to see the Oompahs thrash Des Moines!" Said Nicolas Johnsen, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.
Johnsen led a bitter march to the mayor's house last Tuesday at 2:44 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.
"It's not like our request is way out in left field," grunted one protester. "All we want is a 42,000 seat stadium with a large TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few notepads were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was dismembered.
Debra Weiss was threatened when informed that her 15 year-old son, Adam, couldn't read.
"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for nine years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Weiss. Adam's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Adam was handing in wasn't his own.
"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because locals become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.
Ms. Weiss expects the county to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.
The Zaire war came close to ending yesterday when rebels threatened Czar Karnes. They were certain they had him when rebels moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the magnanimous dictator outwitted them convincingly.
Mao Rubichek, leader of the opposition speculates that Karnes must have hid in his den, then dressed as a vagabond and slipped through his lines. The mercenaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be peacefully offensive and lacking in any painfully redeeming content. I desire an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.