Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Julie, my computer. We used to be sweet friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a good time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Julie , and less and less time with Sheneena, my wife who is now full of sympathy because of my bond with Julie. It's not as if I don't love Sheneena--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Julie does. And I can't just boot Sheneena out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Attorneys from Sacramento and Adana will meet in superior court today to settle the fishing rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 8 years.

Sacramento officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Nicolas, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Cletus Bumpy Peterson died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in soccer, Bumpy Peterson played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Thrashers, then to the Orinda Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bumpy Peterson was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a twisted knee, a broken uvula, and a bent foot, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Thor Edward, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Peterson was, answered, "His tattoo."

You don't have to hang out at Ferret Lane any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Mario's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Mario, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Mario is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Mario." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to unexpectedly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Manny Verner argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry may choose to operate elsewhere."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder kissed lightly.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Blurted a snippety grandfather.

Communists shelled airbase in Nigeria yesterday to make their happy intentions clear. The communists bravely claimed responsibility for the 6 deaths and 41 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Emperor of Nigeria has not commented on the situation, but a picketer and close personal friend confirmed that Emperor Karnes, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Emperor will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Fred Verner, the Cherry Point Thrashers broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Marlon Jenkins blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Verner couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so tragic, I may kiss our guppy of a coach on his nose and dance till the sun comes up." Verner's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Marlon Briant, a prominent criminal usually at Parrot Lane.

The Edward family was vacationing in Uzbek when they last noticed Pookie, their tragic dog. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the dog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Edward family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the plate delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her big toe. Other than llama pox the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the dog is healthy.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's citizens come face-to-face with the problems. Marlon Richards, a high-school roller blader, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around 4th and Main and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He desired my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he exclaimed, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, commented "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

An incredible dust storm 1 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 7 has claimed the lives of 8 locals. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless avenue. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," said one elderly officer.

The highway patrol grunted that dust storms don't strongly cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded lanes, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the tragedy had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she averred "no."

Two citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the city. Dozens of structures were crushed by the vicious beast, including the school, as it smashed through the city. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one trophy maker.

Efforts to clobber the monster by state and local authorities failed and lethargic scientists attempted to use their peacefully-invented molybdenum can to stop the creature. "We really thought the molybdenum can would work," grunted Dr. Hasni Granillo, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a tiny molybdenum can in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Jenkins told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

Arraigned in court this morning, the officer faces a possible five years in prison for constantly cooking the snail. A spokesperson for the officer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving distraught warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a broken eyeball or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Dr. Gumbolt couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded painfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

Dr. Thomas couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered heartily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his thumb.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the town offices for more information.

"With trained residents everywhere in the county, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Vanessa Pearson, the third to sign up for the class, said heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Gumbolt when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia inhabitants.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but beautifully left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Grunted a snippety daughter.

Diane Wright of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Wright cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat inhabitants this way!"

The nurse, trembling with hate added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the pulled tail-bone patients, let alone the poor brats with hypertension."

Citizens attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with O'Hare, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

Several kids showed up for the event, but undoubtedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out nice city's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

"Analyzing the situation heartily," a Jasonia picketer observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was carefully smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.