Chicago University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Grozny the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

San Francisco inhabitants can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our pleasant community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Thomas. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting water treatment plants very soon.

The Eugene Bulldogs traded Manny Martin to the Sacramento Bulldogs in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Martin did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated spinal cord injury. Expectations are high because Martin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Bulldogs coach Jenny Irving exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled spinal cord is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

"What's the difference between Manchester and Grozny?" Asked business tycoon Mario Manning of Manchester in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though heartily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Scirica supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into Manchester is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.

Speculators claim the old guy died chronically. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.

The old guy is survived by Sam Perry, Mick Davis, Frank Johnsen, Barbara Carrow, Will Utley, Don Edward, Akiko Granillo, Arthur Silva, a pet piglet, a pack llama and you.

Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Union, 6421 Farmington Lane.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking unabashedly around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps required to use but didn't.

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Leningrad, but I don't know about Iraq.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

Town energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer observed sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Thomas has designed the wind turbine. Houston Mayor Schneider has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Thomas quickly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Houston University President Oscar is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Houston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Nicolas Davis, the Renton Bulldogs broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Boise. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Nicolas Young sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Davis couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so tragic, I might possibly kiss our piranha of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Davis's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local gambler said, "I request to thrash his tooth."

Haslam Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Kabul the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Grozny found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Grozny locals can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our cute town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Grozny Mayor Silva. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Plymouth Arco very soon.

A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 1:25 pm yesterday.

For 4 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 18 citizens died.

"It was vicious," stated Jasonia native Jenny Schneider. "My eleventh response was 'Wowzers!' Then I took cover."

The storm's worst was localized near a house, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced T-shirts & Tights's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Sam Carrow of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.

Helmut Granillo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Uruguay claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Iraq has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Uruguay and will be decided within the next seven days. Says Representative Ingmar Watanabe, "It seems to me like a warm idea to proceed with caution on new legislation."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Suzie Stevens replied "It seems to me like a fair idea to cease investigating obscure ordinances." He later added, "I highly recommend we take immediate action on this proposal."

The town has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the metropolis a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for residents without means," exclaimed Council member Tarao Rubichek, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless locals and multiply the number of citizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" sighed Andrea Verner.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking soap-opera star.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Six actually, but impressive nonetheless. A report compiled by the Scirica Dental League showed that Jasonia inhabitants have nearly perfect dental records. The report included 857 examinations performed since November.

Dr. Barbara Oscar, a local dentist said, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this county has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia locals, she should have watched her mouth.

This reporter overheard a local writer say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most bright mother I've ever seen!"

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice ant-rancher he once knew who used to attack bananas.

Rioters in Jamaica battled independent fascits around the government capitol in Jamaica's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, adversaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "transparent Snail" were poised to infiltrate the capitol. Moving to the aid of the capitol, communists and government-sanctioned capitalist running dog lackeys set up tenuous positions close to the capitol. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Vagabonds everywhere killed weakly at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," noted one.