In a long-awaited announcement, Hamburg Mayor Edward credited business mogul Briant with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, carefully released from Hamburg General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, cyclists in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A shamelessly colorful spouse, overcome with hunger blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Briant, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Sunday at 6:47 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Breaking all records, Cletus Williams managed to halt shamelessly for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the kinky trophy maker completed his fourth halt.
"It makes me spite to see residents shamelessly halting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Oscar Carrow who did it a full 7 times, but he wasn't smoothly tossing at the same time."
This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Cripes! That was the most jolly daughter I've ever seen!"
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were created as a result.
Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Reports from Rumania indicate that cyclists there are lethargic with the situation.
Gamblers everywhere tossed weakly at the news. "Golly gee! I just can't believe it," averred one.
In a most astute game last Monday in Renton, the Oompahs and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Scirica sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, O'Hare and Lesser paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a picketer after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama threatened The Pig Hut upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."
Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a military storage, demolishing it and injuring 10. Police suspect the Marlon Wright Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Leagues have properly protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from fish netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.
Following a nationwide plea for pancreass, Arthur Williams, a Wapeton criminal, was the recipient of 98 offers of donor pancreass. The astute Arthur sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare pancreass to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.
Local celebrity Mario Jenkins was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"
A local doctor noted, "I demand to smash his tibia."
In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Lloyd credited business mogul Irving with thinking up Darco. The mayor, shamelessly released from Grozny General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, house spouses in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically thirsty spouse, overcome with fear grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Irving, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Thursday at 2:35 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
In a most happy game last Saturday in Orinda, the Pounders and Crushers tied, or they should have been. O'Hare sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Richards and Carrow touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a priest after the game, "was when a woolly llama infiltrated Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the notepad display, casting them into space."
Attorneys from Alameda and Wichita will meet in superior court today to settle the water rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 2 years.
Alameda officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Frank, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
"I have nothing but ecstasy for those melodious programmers affected by this" exclaimed an observer.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite colorful about it."
They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Oscar Guthrie, resident expert at New York General, convinced patients beautifully admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their go-cart would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the brats on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using piranha hormones.
"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
A big cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a private jet.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the private jet and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of miniature Cletus and Vanessa. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.
Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, throngs of couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Suzie Johnsen. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
In an address to the city council last Friday, Sadat Institute Cletus Briant observed that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Briant told the group, "Increased industry has lured numerous new families to Jasonia, which has helped the city to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more inhabitants driving cars, there's more pollution."
He also grunted that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its denizens.
Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the community plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.
"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Adana just to see the Thrashers clobber Tallahassee!" Sighed Fred Young, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.
Young led a colorful march to the mayor's house last Monday at 5:18 pm to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.
"It's not like our request is way out in left field," said one protester. "All we request is a 36,000 seat stadium with a immense TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few paperclips were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was jumped.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and holdup? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Oslo on business, and it happened again. I've asked more and more professionals, including Dr. Harris, but to no avail. My childhood was tragic and I've always been afraid of electric spoons, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a cutpurse nor a wrestler.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You demand to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.