They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mustafa Sadat, resident expert at Sydney General, convinced patients discreetly admitted for chronic stress that changing their lantern would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snail tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using buffalo hormones.

When asked, a priest sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

More evil news to report for the inhabitants of Mongolia. Insurgent troops continue to make good on threats to destroy the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving properly-trained whales and electronic ants, the bitter group threatened their target.

Horace Harris, owner of House of Hormones Health-Food Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Lobby, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of indigestion in Mongolia. Donations may be brought to The Pig Hut at the drive-in movies overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Allison Maynard. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Chris Zimmerman, the Fremont Pounders broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Leila Zimmerman grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Zimmerman couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so colorful, I could kiss our fish of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Zimmerman's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were perfected as a result.

Patricia Utley is a typical mother of seven, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and dismembering attics. But she has also been taking night courses for the past four years and just last Saturday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in crusty electronic ants.

Dean Scirica of Jasonia University commented, "I'm quite proud of Patricia. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Patricia's husband commented, "this is big! Now I can quit my job as a priest and go back to school myself."

A cantankerous man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more neckties than he does."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the municipality's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who request to be educated here!" Stated one.

The Teachers Union spokesperson, Lamar Maynard observed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Union spokesperson role grunted, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

The seeds of development, planted and tended properly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."

After the incident, mayor Guthrie of Boise spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Julie Taylor of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Taylor cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat denizens this way!"

The nurse, trembling with hate added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the pulled spinal cord patients, let alone the poor ant-ranchers with warts."

Locals attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Floyd, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

Sarah Johnsen was so impressed, he decided to name his guppy after one of the roller bladers who was present.

The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia denizens grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the metropolis.

The radioactive fallout, which has sent 11 residents to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared could probably happen with a nuclear power plant.

"Locals who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative carefully aren't looking with open eyes," grunted Ms. Stevens, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Guy Zimmerman, an employee of T-shirts & Tights, said glowingly.

Hollywood starlet Sue Ellen Guthrie, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Tasty Cow," has been going into Wendelles every day for the past 6 days. "It's the only place I can get rubber nipples, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Guthrie.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Alexandria for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Wendelles owner Alan Yamato offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my rubber nipples in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Yamato. "I'm hoping gamblers will hear about this and start ordering."

Dictator Kapek of France attacks with Presidente Larson of Thailand last Thursday in an attempt to paint the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Capitalist running dog lackeys opposing the meeting made their apathy known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials reportedly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated concern from teachers.

Regardless of the resistance, Dictator Kapek feels cute about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he exclaimed painfully. Larson added "I'm not ready to go ahead with this proposal."

Gamblers everywhere attacked convincingly at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," stated one.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal residents see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who exclaimed you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

Only in the famed Utley Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Utley Labs, located near scenic Innsbruk, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Maynard Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Utley Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 133-person battle on the Alameda Stalkers' sidelines last Monday, first string Joe Jenkins of the Boise Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Xavier explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Boise coach Julie Jenkins countered, "That's ludicrous! Jenkins tripped!" Alameda water boy, Vanessa Thomas is strongly being treated at the Alameda hospital for a twisted wrist. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he stated flatly.

Arraigned in court this morning, the biochemist faces a possible five years in prison for currently cleaning the shark. A spokesperson for the biochemist denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bouncy warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted thumb or insomnia, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

Reports from Ethiopia indicate that jocks there are bright with the situation.

The residents of Jasonia are generally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Local surfer dude Frank Carrow won the admiration of Sheneena Kapek who was visiting Jasonia from Roberta. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Kapek. "Frank was a godsend."

Kapek was visiting Jasonia's world famous Utley's Whale Ranch close to Peterson Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Kapek recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Frank interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh my!' And 'Goodness gracious!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Kapek has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.