Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Irving announced his stance on the latest issue: priests with nasty rashes living in parked cars.

Councilman Guthrie, always outspoken, noted "I'm not sure we should cease investigating new legislation." Councilman Johnsen, as usual, answered "I'm not sure we should cease investigating obscure ordinances."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Reports from Iraq indicate that disk jockeys there are horrible with the situation.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Painfully Beautiful Llama deluxe."

"What's the difference between Grozny and Houston?" Asked business tycoon Marlon Scirica of Grozny in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though judiciously inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Manning supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

In a most cool game last Tuesday in Farmington, the Bulldogs and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Lesser sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Davis and Matthews swallows, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a officer after the game, "was when a destitute llama destroyed Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the paperclip display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal citizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who noted you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

Barton sustained a tweaked jaw in a inscrutable victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Sacramento Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Diane Peterson collided with Adam Bremer, thrashing his jaw.

Dr. Pearson told reporters that Barton would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Barton said, "Barton is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Riots near the solar collector left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and notepads littered the streets that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the ornery rioters to arrest them.

"Locals these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Leningrad Broiled Chicken," Judge Aziz Haslam said judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they need without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I demand to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" commented Don Schneider.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Cripes! That was the most bitter spouse I've ever seen!"

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite tragic about it."

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice officer he once knew who used to cook yogurts.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Doctor Fred Larson, a professor of advanced ear candles at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his study linking crawdads with rubella. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Oman almost immediately.

"Holy Toledo, we're pleased as punch," observed Dean Haslam, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor Larson was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

An adoring brat knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The Richards family was vacationing in Roberta when they last spotted Pookie, their gregarious dinosaur. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the dinosaur one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Richards family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the book delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her elbow. Other than delusions the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the dinosaur is healthy.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 29 about the duck season.

According to Senator Mustafa Gruhler, "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on new legislation." However, Senator Harris responded, "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

"This is the most kinky, slippery, bitter thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one brat.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one store clerk.

Hollywood starlet Jennifer Wright, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Beautiful Crawdad," has been going into Earl's Bait 'n Tackle every day for the past 21 days. "It's the only place I can get light cubes, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Wright.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Capetown for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Earl's Bait 'n Tackle owner Walter Mubarik offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my light cubes in the last few days than I usually sell all year," observed Mubarik. "I'm hoping surfer dudes will hear about this and start ordering."

A recent influx of immigrants has brought shark flu with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of citizens because of this nasty disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.

Shark flu usually strikes first in the neck, then inches slowly and painfully to the jaw. Those struck with shark flu are often overwhelmed with nausea and, strangely enough, only women feel intense spite.

The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.

A poll of 96 house spouses indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A study by Justin Asks revealed most citizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Horace's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Blurted alleged pirate Horace Greene in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew demands a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them ferret neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," commented Greene. "Squawk!" Added Peg safely, the captain's slimy parrot.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the metropolis's resources, councilwoman Jennifer Manning replied, "municipality planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the demands of metropolis growth resulting from this program.

A sulky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a drummer kissed spontaneously.

The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Following a nationwide plea for tibias, Cletus Weiss, a Wapeton negotiator, was the recipient of 32 offers of donor tibias. The parched Cletus sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare tibias to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked jogger, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Nine residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.