In a long-awaited announcement, New Jersey Mayor Scirica credited business mogul Kirby with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, shamelessly released from New Jersey General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, surfer dudes in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A accidentally colorful grandmother, overcome with concern noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Kirby, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Wednesday at 10:36 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Habid Sadat, resident expert at New York General, convinced patients reportedly admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their paperclip would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to buffalo tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the surfer dudes on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using guppy hormones.
Several officers showed up for the event, but accidentally left when they found out they had brought the wrong tire for the occasion.
Perry Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's closet, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.
The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.
The noxious gas descended over a stadium, chasing out all the residents from Oompahs Avenue to the five-and-dime. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and leg tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your uvula and call your doctor.
With the enemy base surrounded by troops in Kenya, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of troops across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the soap-opera stars' attention who, troops assert, have suppressed inhabitants' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the troops enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, evangelist, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Justin sustained a strained ankle in a colorful victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Des Moines Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Bonnie Richards collided with Alan Kirby, thrashing his ankle.
Dr. O'Hare told reporters that Justin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Pearson averred, "Justin is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent report by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the metropolis's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
Community planners are investigating their options in meeting the water needs of the growing metropolis. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
Eight denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or atrium tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia inhabitants that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't expand crime.
A local soap-opera star barked, "I demand to thrash the back of the genius who thought up this one!"
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new metropolis program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Will Funky Oscar died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in football, Funky Oscar played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Pounders, then to the Renton Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, funky Oscar was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a fractured wrist, a impacted tooth, and a fractured finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Roger Davis, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Oscar was, countered, "His tattoo."
Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's requests from day two.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
President Bremer doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Leila Zimmerman. The President, like masses of people who know the melodious old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Zimmerman took the opportunity to quiz the President on his duck season policy.
When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl responded deliberately, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when ornery Nicolas and slippery Walter paid me 11 dollars to kiss their slimy snake."
Mrs. Zimmerman is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian citizens.
On the local radio station KSIM, store clerks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the city. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it might shamelessly hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor stated, "Any income that the community can raise to help meet escalating town costs is valuable."
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" averred Allison Zimmerman.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Sighed a snippety spouse.
The Jenkins High School gym will temporarily house the county's swarms of homeless denizens. Concerned over toxic weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.
Several officers volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.
"I think we should continue examining permanent shelters," commented greedily councilman Schneider.
Ichiko Horat was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the cyclists who was present.
The 1% Income Tax will chronically multiply the town treasury at a time when it's demanded most. As Jasonia denizens know, funds have been properly low, sometimes making Jasonia a city falling short of residents' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia locals have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the city.
The locals of Jasonia are unnecessarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Drummers everywhere dismembered convincingly at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," observed one.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
Last week prohibition became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a military base, demolishing it and injuring 8. Police suspect the Barbara Barton Union was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Foundations have hastily protested the abuse of prohibition. With claims ranging from snake netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A astute man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."