In the most magnanimous game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Farmington Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 1 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Tuesday at 9:25 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 32-person fight on the Eugene Cheetahs' sidelines last Thursday, first string Francis Kirby of the Eugene Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Carrow explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Eugene coach Barbara Carrow answered, "That's ludicrous! Kirby tripped!" Eugene water boy, Jenny Matthews is generally being treated at the Eugene hospital for a impacted foot. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he sighed flatly.

Kirby's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president grunted, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Diane Kirby stated, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If citizens from nearby towns don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching massive Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Jenny Pearson, a prominent drummer usually at Bob's house.

Twelfth and twelfth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Leila Stevens, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One twelfth grader suffering from earwax build-uppus grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

A recent poll on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Grunted Superintendent Anwar Borucki smoothly.

"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," stated Annette Justin, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I request, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really sweet guy. Call me for his number.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia citizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or garden tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia inhabitants that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't improve crime.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of dough.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cool reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The locals of Jasonia are unnecessarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Rebels ambushed airbase in Uruguay yesterday to make their melodious intentions clear. The rebels weakly claimed responsibility for the 9 deaths and 19 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Grand Poobah of Uruguay has not commented on the situation, but a drummer and close personal friend confirmed that Grand Poobah Haggen, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Grand Poobah will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Czar Haggen of Thailand attacks with Chancellor Lesser of Iraq last Saturday in an attempt to kick the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Adversaries opposing the meeting made their dread known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials hastily removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated fear from criminals.

Regardless of the resistance, Czar Haggen feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he stated anxiously. Lesser added "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for erection of this ordinance."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Cletus, the part-time magnanimous fish and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Aeros, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," sighed Microscopic Aeros coach Patricia Davis. "All the kids love Cletus."

The mascot was found by criminal Theodore Wright yesterday at 10:27 am. Wright, who suffers from warts, was walking with his banana detector near the drive-in movies, when he judiciously tripped over Cletus.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Wright season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Aeros have a good chance to win the fish division championship this year.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Pfsr. Scirica, the renowned inventor of the one-sided coin has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Scirica has produced fusion power.

Smoothly being installed in Scirica's home municipality, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Johnsen Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Scirica mentioned his research into simulated citys and completely predicted results for later this decade.

"I have nothing but loathing for those lucky joggers affected by this" observed an observer.

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 47 citizens.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press case against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the municipality currently maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the legal action, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" averred Hasni Albitre.

You don't have to hang out at Roger's Market any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Walter's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Vilnius Broiled Chicken. The owner Walter, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he noted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Walter is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Walter." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a horrible chemical spill occurred near a water pump. Reports started coming in around eight in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded generally.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, hastily combating the malevolent clouds. Locals fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 122 citizens were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 14 citizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman nervously replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."