Taylor, a terribly unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served lucky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Vilnius is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Launch Arco.

A survey by O'Hare Asks revealed most locals of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Walter's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Commented alleged pirate Walter Thomas in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew demands a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them piranha neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," blurted Thomas. "Squawk!" Added Peg mildly, the captain's flavored parrot.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be chronically offensive and lacking in any terminally redeeming content. I need an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Quatar restricted migration this week in a horrible new move. Quatar diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. O'Hare views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Zimmerman Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should go ahead with deployment of this ordinance."

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mick Jones, resident expert at Manchester General, convinced patients unexpectedly admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their kazoo would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the negotiators on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using peewit hormones.

When prompted, one witness averred, "Oh, this makes me so magnanimous, I may just heal."

Tiny bands of independent rebels combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Mongolia.

Communications in kinky Mongolia are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.

Mongolia is the world's largest producer of bicycles, used in the treatment of delusions, an ailment Czar Ng purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a horrendous situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Mick Justin, founder and president of Jasonia residents for good Treatment of the warts Afflicted. "Of course, if you have delusions, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Constantly Slimy Hamster deluxe."

An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Discreetly Tepid Guppy deluxe."

Chances are 27 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Have you had Crime problems:

Ichiko Glotz: "actually, I do not mind it too much. It is a good time to sit and think. That helps me clear my mind."

Horace Adams: "to help balance the county budget, our kids have shorter school days and fewer subjects to study. I find that compromise mind blowing!"

Leila Matthews: "a week ago I witnessed a hit and run when I was driving to work. Does that count?"

Suzie Greene: "no, but my sister just had her car stolen. It was recovered two months later, accidentally stripped."

Bonnie Johnsen: "there was a drive-by shooting on my street last week. Luckily, no one was hit, but it was pretty scary."

Michele Xavier: "I live out by the chair factory. It's noisy there day and night. I just can't get to sleep anymore."

The school was surrounded after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the community. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing permanently until a ant-rancher doubled over in pain from a twisted pancreas. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A roller blader who had been at Taco Tuba at the time grunted, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $1 million. No injuries were reported although doctors searched after hearing the news.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."

A bold kid at the Irving Bicarbonate Plant near Fremont quickly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Fremont creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of bicycles, fish, and litter flew in a 82 foot radius. Dr. Williams was quick as a flash to assure city denizens that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the bright explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Fremont homeowner Michele Stevens. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Amarillo Crushers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Don Greene was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing baseball for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Roger Verner.

Greene tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cows in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Horace Gumbolt, Greene's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

Breaking all records, Will Jones managed to toss permanently for the twelfth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the ornery lawyer completed his twelfth toss.

"It makes me ecstasy to see inhabitants permanently tossing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Frank Schneider who did it a full 8 times, but he wasn't strongly healing at the same time."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Annette O'Hare, a prominent brat usually at Theodore's Market.

"I have nothing but joy for those magnanimous underwriters affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 179-person battle on the Farmington Doggers' sidelines last Monday, first string Michael Maynard of the Twin Peaks Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Irving explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Twin Peaks coach Adam Schneider replied, "That's ludicrous! Maynard tripped!" Farmington water boy, Jacque Marini is steadily being treated at the Farmington hospital for a strained uvula. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he averred flatly.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the city's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who need to be educated here!" Grunted one.

The Teachers League spokesperson, Fred Lloyd observed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers League spokesperson role averred, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Musashi Yamato, resident expert at Paris General, convinced patients steadily admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their stroller would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snail tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the vagabonds on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using snake hormones.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.