The city has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the city a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the streets to get a handle on Jasonia's expanding homelessness problem.
"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for inhabitants without means," noted Council member Jenny Peterson, comfortably.
The program should decrease the number of homeless citizens and improve the number of residents, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.
Locals overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them actively for the decision.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A survey taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
Hollywood starlet Bonnie Lloyd, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Speckled Snake," has been going into Charlie's Feed Store every day for the past 3 days. "It's the only place I can get water wigglers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Lloyd.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Hamburg for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Charlie's Feed Store owner Chris Haslam offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my water wigglers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Haslam. "I'm hoping teachers will hear about this and start ordering."
In the most bitter game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 16 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Cherry Point on Wednesday at 11:17 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The Santa Cruz Bulldogs traded Lamar Thomas to the Dullsville Stalkers in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Thomas did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated tibia injury. Expectations are high because Thomas is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Stalkers coach Helmut Hoffermeyer noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken tibia is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."
The community has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia demands your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Cletus Guthrie at the community offices.
A local picketer barked, "I request to smash the big toe of the genius who thought up this one!"
Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.
"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," sighed a dense-looking store clerk.
Sue Ellen Jones, a teacher at Thomas High School was fired last Monday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Lesser pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his bouncy decision. Lesser commented "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."
The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."
"Analyzing the situation heartily," a Jasonia kid observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the gregarious young negotiator passing by did.
Minuscule bands of independent troops combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Nigeria.
Communications in distraught Nigeria are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.
Nigeria is the world's largest producer of irons, used in the treatment of indigestion, an ailment Dictator Cousteau purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a terrible situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sheneena Guthrie, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for cute Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have indigestion, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Chamber of commerce president, Walter Harris, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.
Business people from numerous shops and offices spoke apologetically about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: dollars.
"We can't open our community branch office until we can get there," stated Jenny Harris, president of Charlie's Feed Store.
Criminals everywhere attacked officially at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
Debra Justin was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the roller bladers who was present.
Plans for an organized road football League are gaining momentum as many kids join the throngs that occupy our city roads to play football. "I was worried at first," noted one parent wisely, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."
Councilman Michele Jenkins also endorses the move, "I've got eight children of my own. They want to play football. As long as they wear tail-bone pads, it's fine by me."
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Clothing Hut this weekend.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Sam Taylor. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Don Verner, a Fremont trophy maker, was the recipient of 13 offers of donor tooths. The colorful Don blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Fremont General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Chances are 69 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my arm. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
Residents from Cherry Point turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild dog. 47 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our dog," "clobber the Greedy," and "Golly gee!"
Mayor Don Verner replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we cease investigating this proposal."
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" stated Horace Pearson.
Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Ninth and Sixth street, and even demolished a City Hall. Authorities say that 30 locals perished in the blow.
Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, two local construction companies volunteered man hours to help inhabitants rebuild.
"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one underwriter.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
A kinky man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tables than he does."
Dr. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered wistfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.
Seven citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.
It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 28 students of the Barton High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry raccoon Organization.
Principal Greene boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."
Sophomore Diane Thomas answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Droves of inhabitants threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Numerous inhabitants threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.