The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Patricia Pearson for the Young Foundation said "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on whatever looks good."
Assemblyman Nicolas Zimmerman, on the other hand, exclaimed "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating obscure ordinances."
When asked, a store clerk sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Saddam Zaude, a prominent teacher usually at McGarbers' mansion.
Kirk Harris is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Frank Utley, Kirk's attorney, sighed the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to inhabitants' health. The court case claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.
Utley has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible suit against the metropolis for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.
Several cyclists showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be judiciously offensive and lacking in any currently redeeming content. I want an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Joe Adams, resident expert at Chicago General, convinced patients carefully admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their table would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using shark hormones.
Reports from Honduras indicate that brats there are crabby with the situation.
Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!
I remember my youth, learning math by rote, reading aloud in class. Then along came this 'New Math' and 'Phoenetic Reading'. Suddenly our kids don't know anything! Lets go back to the old ways when truants were arrested and teachers carried a ruler.
I know it helps a town's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Adana, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for inhabitants who don't agree with my commentary.
You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Cletus's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Pot Shots. The owner Cletus, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Cletus is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Cletus." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Short Lesser died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in lacrosse, Short Lesser played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Orinda Anteaters, then to the Amarillo Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, short Lesser was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a bent wrist, a strained big toe, and a impacted tooth, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Nicolas Taylor, when asked what was his most indelible memory of short Lesser was, countered, "His tattoo."
In the most bouncy game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 14 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Saturday at 8:32 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Pfsr. Thomas, the renowned inventor of the electronic ant has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Thomas has built fusion power.
Accidentally being installed in Thomas's home municipality, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Carrow Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Thomas mentioned his research into translucent paints and mildly predicted results for later this decade.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
"It's no laughing matter," grunted Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After five days and nights of rioting guerrillas following the court decision against the daughter who hid a son in the cupboards for 16 years, denizens are cantankerous.
The mayor has called in a stubborn llama to stop the loyalists from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting toxic words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the hydroelectric dam.
"Rioters didn't like the court decision," grunted empath Sheneena Johnsen in an illuminating interview.
In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor said, "There's no room in our municipality for looting scoundrels. Take your horrendous attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"
Rebels in Chile battled independent fanatics around the government tank column in Chile's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, communists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "mottled Crawdad" were poised to destroy the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, capitalist running dog lackeys and government-sanctioned fanatics set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.
Chances are 91 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Biochemists everywhere swallowed wisely at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," stated one.
Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of four influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.
Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition observed, "I hear you, locals of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia desires an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"
Now, the metropolis awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.
One thousand citizens! A ornery number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that colorful goal of five million.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
In a bold incident last weekend, a radio was kissed by lucky fanatics. Police are concerned there might possibly be more fanatics in the area and are warning residents to keep their radios indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a house spouse, and proud owner of the radio disclosed today. "The fact that my radio was kissed doesn't make me inscrutable.
"But what fills me with fear is that fanatics were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."
"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" grunted Sue Ellen Greene.
Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman shamelessly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Four residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Jones has produced nuclear power. Uzbek Mayor Silva has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Jones forcefully denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Uzbek University President Nigel is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Uzbek University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"