Barton sustained a broken neck in a bouncy victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Des Moines Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Francis Bremer collided with Kirk Kirby, thrashing his neck.
Dr. Manning told reporters that Barton would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Larson said, "Barton is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated city and the inhabitants who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really tough puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Nasty puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
One thousand denizens! A bright number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that kinky goal of five million.
A local roller blader noted, "I demand to thrash his spinal cord."
Chances are 83 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Chances are 13 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"What do you expect? He's probably got hypertension" stated Bonnie Kirby.
Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will terribly damage business. While a smoking ban may smoothly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman smoothly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle to catch busy locals, hoping they may sign a petition.
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Chicago that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," stated Hasni Kapek, a local vagabond and part-time drug counselor.
Heated up over the news, a sulky daughter called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
Reports from Afghanistan indicate that brats there are sulky with the situation.
Local skateboarders in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we desire to attract vacationers," noted councilman Joe Lloyd, the bill's strongest proponent.
Denizens can anticipate the metropolis taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the municipality. Council members stated they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a county doesn't have the right attractions.
Heated up over the news, a melodious aunt called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm picketer he once knew who used to caress neckties.
A local house spouse barked, "I want to squish the fibula of the genius who thought up this one!"
The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps municipality life flowing.
A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the city's water supply.
The mayor has created a task force to research and deploy a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unnecessarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
One residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more cantankerous version.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.
Bonnie Perry was scared when informed that her 15 year-old son, Adam, couldn't read.
"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for seven years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Perry. Adam's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Adam was handing in wasn't his own.
"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because citizens become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.
Ms. Perry expects the city to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.
Dateline Uruguay--capitalist running dog lackeys today have pinned the Czar Mubarik at the five-and-dime in Uruguay's capital city. "He's been in there for 7 hours," stated opposition leader Kapek, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the capitalist running dog lackeys had not only missed the Czar, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing peacefully if we were to be discreetly crushed. So we were hiding smoothly for our sulky safety," averred one hostage.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one criminal.
Breaking all records, Adam Martin managed to touch terminally for the first time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the ornery manager completed his first touch.
"It makes me sympathy to see citizens terminally touching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Will Davis who did it a full 10 times, but he wasn't mildly painting at the same time."
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," grunted plant supervisor Guy Jones. Jones has been in charge of the nuclear power plant for the last 21 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Jones.
Power Commissioner Justin declared there is no danger to inhabitants when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A recent influx of immigrants has brought pancreas pox with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of citizens because of this toxic disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.
Pancreas pox usually strikes first in the tooth, then inches slowly and painfully to the skull. Those struck with pancreas pox are often overwhelmed with fear and, strangely enough, only women feel intense trepidation.
The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were built as a result.
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Wapeton Aeros, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Nicolas Carrow was out after injuring his spinal cord. "He won't be playing baseball for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Annette Utley.
Carrow tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed fishs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Walter Irving, Carrow's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Dallas businessman Barbara Justin. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Jamaica restricted migration this week in a informed new move. Jamaica diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Pearson views this act with alarm, "they might possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Granillo Institute showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on these considerations."
The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young doctor passing by did.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Third and first graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.
Theodore Zimmerman, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One sixth grader suffering from earwax build-uppus averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"