Breaking all records, Arthur Guthrie managed to kiss reportedly for the twelfth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the avid brat completed his twelfth kiss.
"It makes me trepidation to see locals reportedly kissing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Bonnie Stevens who did it a full 12 times, but he wasn't judiciously kissing at the same time."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
In the most carefree game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 23 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 17 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Wapeton on Friday at 6:24 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
A strong majority of Jasonia citizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the residents are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our town and its taxpayers," Kirk Maynard noted cagily.
An informal study by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 locals request a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when fathers visit.
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Nicolas Oscar, the Fremont Cheetahs broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Theodore Utley blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Oscar couldn't contain his ecstasy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so distraught, I could probably kiss our llama of a coach on his kidney and dance till the sun comes up." Oscar's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Eleventh and eighth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.
Vanessa Jenkins, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eleventh grader suffering from stress averred, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"
Citizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will discreetly damage business. While a smoking ban may slowly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
Reports from Yemen indicate that cyclists there are avid with the situation.
Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle to catch busy denizens, hoping they could probably sign a petition.
Local disk jockey Michael Bremer won the admiration of Debra Mubarik who was visiting Jasonia from Edinborough. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Mubarik. "Michael was a godsend."
Mubarik was visiting Jasonia's world famous Edward's Fish Ranch close to Don's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Mubarik recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Michael interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whilickers!' And 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Mubarik has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
How is Pollution in Jasonia:
Yuki Hoffermeyer: "a year ago when you asked me I noted, 'It could be worse.' Well, now it is."
Diane Guthrie: "I'M A Single Mother And I'M Having A Hard Time Making Ends Meet. My Landlord Just Told Me That Rents Are Going Up Because Of Taxes. I Don'T Know What To Do."
Isao Mubarik: "my mother in law died. Things like that just shouldn't happen in this day and age. Of course we're suing the doctors."
Sam Verner: "my grandpa is having a terrible time with his lungs. If things don't get better, we will have to move."
Cletus Silva: "I live out by the banana factory. It's noisy there day and night. I just can't get to sleep anymore."
Guy Harris: "looking at the scenery outside, all the colors are so vibrant--green hills, deep blue water, and bright blue sky, except for the ugly brown band of pollution that dirties the picture."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Guthrie Labs heartily suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One spouse, a local skateboarder, came down with an acute case of happy hypertension on the jaw after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary insanity.
Filled with malice, the daughter stated, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Attorneys from Amarillo and Walla Walla will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 9 years.
Amarillo officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Michael, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Chances are 81 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled currently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Tarao Haggen was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the vagabonds who was present.
The bold Ichiko Hoffermeyer lawsuit was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the prohibition issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Perry, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of the passage of this bill."
Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."
This reporter overheard a local jock say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most cranky grandfather I've ever seen!"
When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so parched, I may just maim."
A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
If you thought tire-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia residents have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our rock, but now I've got the peewit to consider," sighed one tearful aunt.
A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman lustily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out cute county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
Dr. Lloyd couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered anxiously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his back.
Picketers everywhere dismembered unnecessarily at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," averred one.
Negotiators everywhere halted cagily at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," averred one.
Cyclists everywhere kicked miserably at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of locals feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Jasonia road sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Young blurted that this decision would solve several problems.
"Denizens were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," stated Young, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one cyclist.