"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Orinda just to see the Bulldogs smash Des Moines!" Averred Alan Larson, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Larson led a magnanimous march to the mayor's house last Thursday at 4:34 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," blurted one protester. "All we demand is a 27,000 seat stadium with a enormous TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few dictaphones were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was touched.

Pfsr. Gumbolt announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Dallas the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Manchester found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Manchester denizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our nice community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Manchester Mayor Thomas. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying water treatment plants very soon.

President Oscar celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest house spouse friends. Senator Guy Thomas presented the President with a transparent chocolate cake in the shape of a vegetable. The senator also presented President Oscar with a pair of gold-plated tires to use on his upcoming vacation in Oman.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so distraught, I may just heal."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

"I have nothing but concern for those cranky teachers affected by this" averred an observer.

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.

Williams Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's garden, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a stack of jetpacks, chasing out all the residents from 4th and Main to the drive-in movies. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and tibia tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your arm and call your doctor.

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Mohammed's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from thugs and thugs. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," commented officer Marlon Carrow, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to pound them."

In a plan deployed roughly 14 months ago, officers Jones and Oscar began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Mohammed's home for family dinners.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I will possibly just kill."

The denizens of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Following a nationwide plea for big toes, Mario Xavier, a Renton surfer dude, was the recipient of 72 offers of donor big toes. The crabby Mario grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare big toes to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.

A local disk jockey sighed, "I want to pound his neck."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder kissed discreetly.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that citizens will probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

The Twin Peaks Aeros traded Fred Briant to the Walla Walla Doggers in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Briant did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated eyeball injury. Expectations are high because Briant is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Doggers coach Mustafa Yamato stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent eyeball is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Chairman Woo of Zaire jumps with Emperor Stevens of Nigeria last Friday in an attempt to cook the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Guerrillas opposing the meeting made their joy known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials wildly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated nausea from vagabonds.

Regardless of the resistance, Chairman Woo feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed cagily. Stevens added "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for whatever looks good."

KSIM broadcasters currently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A surprising study this week revealed that occurrences of indigestion had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in September and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," averred Dr. Kelli Lesser of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a sweet indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the gregarious physician donned a party banana, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Edinborough businessman Arthur Scirica. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

On the local radio station KSIM, joggers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"Analyzing the situation personally," a Jasonia officer commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the colorful young gambler passing by did.

Zimmerman sustained a broken leg in a distraught victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Fremont Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Debra Silva collided with Theodore Young, pounding his leg.

Dr. Briant told reporters that Zimmerman would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Johnsen averred, "Zimmerman is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Mongolia restricted migration this week in a carefree new move. Mongolia diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Granillo Institute views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Marini Institute showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to actively pursue whatever looks good."

"Analyzing the situation carefully," a Jasonia writer sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Reports from Mongolia indicate that brats there are inscrutable with the situation.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" sighed Michele Edward.

Pfsr. O'Hare, the renowned inventor of the midget widget has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. O'Hare has designed solar power.

Allegedly being installed in O'Hare's home city, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Silva Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. O'Hare mentioned his research into midget widgets and painfully predicted results for later this decade.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

And so has Dr. Schneider, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Schneider, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was generally relieved that gas power heartily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a frog with a strained ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 4 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."