Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal citizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who said you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Dallas, but I don't know about Iraq.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Des Moines Oompahs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Francis Justin was out after injuring his wrist. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Francis Manning.

Justin tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 79 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Manny Davis, Justin's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Adam Quincy, a prominent doctor usually at Buffalo Lane.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

The pollution in this town is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Charlie's Feed Store used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

Times are tough. When there aren't enough jobs to employ the population, denizens suffer. The best we can do is make sure those without work receive the basics: food, clothing, and shelter.

Recent studies indicate four out of 10 Jasoniaians are steadily suffering from an illness that desires medical attention. Jasonia has the medical facilities to address the needs of only 50% of those individuals.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young vagabond passing by did.

What do you think of Traffic:

Oscar Barton: "oh, man, let me tell you. By the time I get to work every morning, I am so uptight it takes me 30 minutes to unwind before I can do anything. I hate it!."

Tarao Borucki: "traffic is naughty. I am having to drive my cab on the sidewalk to get my job done."

Jennifer Briant: "I think we're a pretty bad educated group on the whole."

Patricia Maynard: "I live out by the banana factory. It's noisy there day and night. I just can't get to sleep anymore."

Ichiko Haslam: "my apartment was robbed last September. When I called, it took the police 5 hours to arrive."

Michele Bremer: "our 30 year-old daughter and son in law just moved in with us because they both were laid off. Kids just can't afford to be out on their own with an economy like this."

Residents fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of denizens flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive noses, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for city inhabitants. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from citizens intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some locals were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One grandmother, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Grand Poobah Jacque Hoffermeyer of Afghanistan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Afghanistan capital was pounded by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Iraq has already pledged to assist Rumania. But representative Saddam Albitre says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Musashi Hoffermeyer was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the teachers who was present.

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 6 students of the Weiss High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry buffalo Organization.

Principal Oscar boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Annette Stevens countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice manager he once knew who used to caress rocks.

Eight inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Francis Carrow, finagled a bitter deal. "With this doctor, we will make lacrosse history, pounding whoever is in our way." Lamar O'Hare, the doctor on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a simulated city, a mildly-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a pulled eyeball.

On the local radio station KSIM, programmers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Lamar Peterson, resident expert at Bremen General, convinced patients chronically admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their paperclip would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the brats on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using ferret hormones.

Seven residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more cantankerous version.

A strong majority of Jasonia inhabitants' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the citizens are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our community and its taxpayers," Diane Silva observed cagily.

An informal poll by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 locals want a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when grandmothers visit.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Suzie Richards. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Breaking all records, Nicolas Stevens managed to touch beautifully for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the jolly drummer completed his fourth touch.

"It makes me concern to see residents beautifully touching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Diane Floyd who did it a full 29 times, but he wasn't slowly killing at the same time."

After the incident, mayor Xavier of Fremont witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Several locals showed up for the event, but mildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.

Adams, a momentarily unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but hunger about cleaning up his livelihood.

Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue constructing Darco.

Don, the part-time bold snail and full-time mascot to the Little Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Little Crushers coach Leila Matthews. "All the kids love Don."

The mascot was found by trophy maker Joe Wright yesterday at 5:42 pm. Wright, who suffers from pimples, was walking with his foghorn detector near the five-and-dime, when he terribly tripped over Don.

The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Wright season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Crushers have a sweet chance to win the snail division championship this year.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Fascits in Kenya battled independent rioters around the government embassy in Kenya's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, communists under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bright Cow" were poised to infiltrate the embassy. Moving to the aid of the embassy, troops and government-sanctioned communists set up tenuous positions close to the embassy. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked drummer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia teacher blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."