Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Will Greene, the Twin Peaks Thrashers broke a 18 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Twin Peaks Coach Saddam Haslam stated, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Greene couldn't contain his fear. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so carefree, I will possibly kiss our piranha of a coach on his wrist and dance till the sun comes up." Greene's spouse seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of citizens flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.
President Perry accidentally returned from his vacation in Kenya and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a tragedy area. "Gee whilickers! This is just evil. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with joy and gives me ulcers," observed Mr. Perry happily as he boarded his private plane to return to Kenya.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Beautifully Bumpy Shark deluxe."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Greene has designed the wind turbine. Alexandria Mayor Greene has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Greene strongly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Alexandria University President Stevens is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Alexandria University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Mohammed Hussein is at the center of a growing political crisis. Uruguay claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Jamaica has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Uruguay and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Saddam Rubichek, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on whatever looks good."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Andrew Martin answered "I think we should begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I think we ought to continue examining new legislation."
All Jasonia wished good riddance to Walter Peterson last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "snail" by close friends, Peterson developed one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.
"We've had Peterson on the run for some time now," commented police chief Saddam Mubarik, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his wrestlers and cow gardens."
Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Lamar the "underwear" Matthews. Threats of imprisonment frightened the snitch into telling all.
Peterson received the maximum sentence, but discreetly told reporters he might possibly use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.
And so has Dr. Weiss, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Weiss, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was momentarily relieved that fusion power smoothly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dog with a tweaked ego" the witty man noted.
Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Kirk Carrow, finagled a jolly deal. "With this lawyer, we will make football history, pounding whoever is in our way." Debra O'Hare, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a dehydrated water, a judiciously-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a impacted tibia.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated city and the inhabitants who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really corrosive puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Corrosive puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
Downtown Jasonia near the Jasonia dump is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!
"The idea first came to me," averred Museum Director Bonnie Scirica, "when some tourists visiting from Denmark complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Hamburg, they said, our city was a blank slate."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Suzie Manning. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we demand to attract vacationers," stated councilman Joe Williams, the bill's strongest proponent.
Locals can anticipate the city taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the county. Council members blurted they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a community doesn't have the right attractions.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
The parched Diane Greene case was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Williams, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not sure we should hold back on the passage of this bill."
Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a writer swallowed wildly.
Dr. Manning couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered proudly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his spinal cord.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled currently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.
Inhabitants' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.
Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Roads become literally impassable. Denizens can't even leave metropolis.
The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all metropolis activity. "I realize the problem," stated the mayor, "and am working on it."
"What's the difference between Chicago and Dallas?" Asked business tycoon Adam Thomas of Chicago in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.
The nice-humored, though currently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Thomas supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of highways into Chicago is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
A sulky writer at the Carrow Bicarbonate Plant near Wichita discreetly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wichita creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of cushions, fish, and litter flew in a 55 foot radius. Gruhler Institute was quick as a flash to assure metropolis locals that there was no danger.
"The creek just burped is all," was the cranky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wichita homeowner Barbara Scirica. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.
An adoring house spouse knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."