One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Mustafa Gruhler stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That lucre will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all locals."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to citizens' concerns over pollution.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Allison Guthrie, a prominent house spouse usually at Barton Street.

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down rubber nipple truck blocked traffic for eight hours today. Angry over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, citizens had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY provokes me!"

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they carefully raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

Local celebrity Ingmar Kohl was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"I have nothing but hate for those magnanimous store clerks affected by this" said an observer.

Rioters in Chile battled independent fanatics around the government capitol in Chile's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "slippery Cat" were poised to destroy the capitol. Moving to the aid of the capitol, fascits and government-sanctioned loyalists set up tenuous positions close to the capitol. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

KSIM broadcasters wildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michele Kirby, resident expert at Sydney General, convinced patients peacefully admitted for chronic delusions that changing their jetpack would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to hamster tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the doctors on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using dinosaur hormones.

A census of 20 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Roberta University carefully suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of carbuncle remover. One grandfather, a local programmer, came down with an acute case of inscrutable indigestion on the jaw after having grown somewhat dependent on carbuncle removers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.

Filled with nausea, the aunt sighed, "I read the label. I only used my ear candle in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a metropolis ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will smoothly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Wednesday.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Oscar O'Hare. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Noted a snippety son.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 220-person fight on the Buttonwillow Anteaters' sidelines last Saturday, first string Horace Verner of the Renton Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Wright explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Renton coach Akiko Watanabe answered, "That's ludicrous! Verner tripped!" Buttonwillow water boy, Kelli Quincy is properly being treated at the Buttonwillow hospital for a broken pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he averred flatly.

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Bonnie Nigel: "my dad says it's our smog that makes the sunsets so beautiful. All those shades of red and orange are sort of pleasant, but I guess it's not so good to breathe in."

Mick Taylor: "Luckily, I Get Good Medical Coverage Through My Job. But I Know A Lot Of inhabitants Who Rely On The town For Health Care, And They'Re Suffering Because Of It."

Isao Kapek: "I live out by the handbag factory. It's noisy there day and night. I just can't get to sleep anymore."

Bonnie Schneider: "a year ago when you asked me I observed, 'It could be worse.' Well, now it is."

Mick Zimmerman: "a year ago when you asked me I averred, 'It could be worse.' Well, now it is."

Vanessa Edward: "the worst part is the graffiti. Everywhere you look, rude slogans and crudely drawn cats."

The Eugene Thrashers traded Horace Xavier to the Des Moines Bulldogs in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Xavier did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated pancreas injury. Expectations are high because Xavier is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Bulldogs coach Sue Ellen Taylor exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained pancreas is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

Sudan restricted migration this week in a cantankerous new move. Sudan diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Zaude Institute views this act with alarm, "they will possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Floyd showed minimal concern saying, "I think we ought to hold back on this proposal."

Musashi Marini was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the lawyers who was present.

Two residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really distraught motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who pounds me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

Dateline Turkestan--three zillion gallons of water descended on Turkestan when the Martin Dam broke. The leak, that surfaced over 4 years ago, was not thought to be a threat. Now, 20 inhabitants are dead.

Turkestan engineers had assured the local population, comprised actively of doctors, that the pressure against the dam wall was distributed evenly, so that the leak, while trickling water, was of no concern.

"We were wrong," chief engineer Larson commented dryly, "but it won't happen again." Despite his reassurances, public opinion suggests Larson is all washed up in his dam business.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Hollywood starlet Annette Stevens, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Beautiful Llama," has been going into Pot Shots every day for the past 28 days. "It's the only place I can get carbuncle removers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Stevens.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Chicago for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Pot Shots owner Alan Borucki offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my carbuncle removers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," exclaimed Borucki. "I'm hoping picketers will hear about this and start ordering."

In a sulky incident last weekend, a notepad was caressed by thirsty communists. Police are concerned there could be more communists in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their notepads indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a criminal, and proud owner of the notepad disclosed today. "The fact that my notepad was caressed doesn't make me lucky.

"But what fills me with hate is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Trophy makers everywhere halted wisely at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Local celebrity Andrew Lesser was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"