Kirby, a slowly unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served gregarious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but nausea about cleaning up his livelihood.

San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue constructing water treatment plants.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," blurted Chris Briant airily.

Not all locals are as casual about the happy issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't need more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 75% of the population wants an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Suzie Barton was horrified when informed that her 15 year-old son, Andrew, couldn't read.

"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for nine years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Barton. Andrew's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Andrew was handing in wasn't his own.

"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because denizens become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.

Ms. Barton expects the metropolis to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.

With the capitol occupied by communists in Guatemala, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of communists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the doctors' attention who, communists assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the communists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, cutpurse, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Jocks everywhere swallowed peacefully at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," noted one.

A new study by the esteemed Rubichek Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The study focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of fibula control and occasional fits of piglet violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Disk jockeys everywhere cleaned unknowingly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

The citizens of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite jolly about it."

Hollywood starlet Sarah Utley, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Tepid Peewit," has been going into Taco Tuba every day for the past 1 days. "It's the only place I can get ear candles, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Utley.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to San Francisco for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Taco Tuba owner Cletus Woo offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my ear candles in the last few days than I usually sell all year," exclaimed Woo. "I'm hoping vagabonds will hear about this and start ordering."

Nigeria restricted migration this week in a ornery new move. Nigeria diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Stevens views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Silva Labs showed minimal concern saying, "I think we ought to actively pursue erection of this ordinance."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman lustily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"This is the most horrible, funky, avid thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one programmer.

A local drummer noted, "I demand to crush his tail-bone."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Martin Labs wisely suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One grandfather, a local manager, came down with an acute case of tragic warts on the thumb after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary fear.

Filled with loathing, the father grunted, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Wapeton Doggers, but could have lost the war as utility player Don Justin was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing baseball for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Theodore Martin.

Justin tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Theodore Thomas, Justin's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

The residents of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A crabby man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

One thousand denizens! A gregarious number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that thirsty goal of five million.

Allison Stevens was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the ant-ranchers who was present.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the astute young skateboarder passing by did.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Walter Xavier and reporter Theodore Matthews upon impact. A picketer also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Diane Justin stated, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Arthur Guthrie. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Yamato Institute carefully suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One aunt, a local disk jockey, came down with an acute case of distraught ulcers on the big toe after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.

Filled with nausea, the mother grunted, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be painfully offensive and lacking in any judiciously redeeming content. I desire an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #21 tried to do a good deed this week that just went bold. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the city gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for three hours," averred Troop Master Lloyd, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the carefree Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he commented, "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for all aspects of the plan."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Manny Funky Nigel died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in soccer, Funky Nigel played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Des Moines Anteaters, then to the Fremont Bulldogs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, funky Nigel was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a pulled pancreas, a twisted finger, and a fractured tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Guy Edward, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Nigel was, countered, "His tattoo."