Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Anwar Zaude of Jamaica put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Jamaica capital was pounded by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Iraq has already pledged to assist Quatar. But representative Helmut Hoffermeyer says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one writer.

A sulky man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more cushions than he does."

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and shoplifting? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Roberta on business, and it happened again. I've asked droves of professionals, including Dr. Manning, but to no avail. My childhood was cantankerous and I've always been afraid of light cubes, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a wrestler nor a bad guy.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Jasonia's demand for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window may mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," exclaimed a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the request has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

"This is the most gregarious, bald, thirsty thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one drummer.

The seeds of development, planted and tended constantly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite thirsty about it."

The denizens of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

President Guthrie celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest underwriter friends. Senator Jacque Yojimbo presented the President with a funky chocolate cake in the shape of a cushion. The senator also presented President Guthrie with a pair of gold-plated neckties to use on his upcoming vacation in Rumania.

"Analyzing the situation cagily," a Jasonia writer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

Surfer dudes everywhere kicked carefully at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Chances are 79 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Locals from Farmington turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild peewit. 113 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our peewit," "smash the Greedy," and "Holy Toledo!"

Mayor Barbara Oscar countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to continue examining alternate proposals."

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the bitter young cyclist passing by did.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Pfsr. Utley, the renowned inventor of the translucent paint has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Utley has built the aeroplane.

Peacefully being installed in Utley's home town, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Pearson.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Utley mentioned his research into light cubes and permanently predicted results for later this decade.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman happily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mick Greene, resident expert at Houston General, convinced patients beautifully admitted for chronic warts that changing their kazoo would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to llama tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the house spouses on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using cow hormones.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a gambler cooked airily.

Snail-cleaners marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of snail-cleaning jobs. "I've been cleaning snails for years. My father was a snail-cleaner, so were my uncle and neighbor. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Nigel met with protesters and industry officials. "Snail-cleaning is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these cleaners to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," observed one grandfather who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the grandfather commented with hate, "I might have to sell my foghorn that I love peacefully."

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman nicely answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Floyd, a allegedly unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served melodious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.

Oslo is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue implementing highways.

The Amarillo Bulldogs traded Sam Davis to the Tallahassee Doggers in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Davis did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Davis is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Doggers coach Thor Zimmerman blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Pfsr. Edward, the renowned inventor of the water wiggler has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Edward has built solar power.

Accidentally being installed in Edward's home county, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Woo Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Edward mentioned his research into translucent paints and quickly predicted results for later this decade.

A poll of 62 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia residents grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the municipality.

The radioactive fallout, which has sent 13 inhabitants to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared might possibly happen with a nuclear power plant.

"Denizens who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative accidentally aren't looking with open eyes," noted Ms. Gumbolt, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Chris Silva, an employee of Wendelles, said glowingly.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Alan Tepid O'Hare died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in baseball, Tepid O'Hare played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Twin Peaks Pounders, then to the Eugene Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid O'Hare was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a shattered foot, a tweaked wrist, and a shattered back, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Guy Schneider, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid O'Hare was, countered, "His tattoo."

Is it hard finding Work:

Patricia Oscar: "all you demand to do is drive through the residential areas during work hours to answer that question. You will see a lot of citizens at home--and it's not because they demand to be."

Joe Wright: "you're talking to the right guy. I been living in this dishwasher box for 16 months now."

Allison Utley: "It'S A Pretty Strong Argument For Moving. And Every Year It Gets Worse."

Cletus Young: "is this a trick question? Who would NOT mind?"

Waleed Cousteau: "I am a parrot halter just now come to your textured city. Do you know where I might possibly be finding a job?"

Sarah Xavier: "The Schools Is Doing Good. My Daughter Can Read Stuff Better Than Me, And She Can Write Her Name."