Horrendous lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched citizens' patience yesterday leading to a rumble. Starring in the episode were a surfer dude, a aunt, and several store clerks.
The battle ignited when a surfer dude was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air irritating a fair daughter. With all eyes on the show, a large Chairman tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.
Police finally broke up the battle, arresting 22 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Fremont Stalkers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Joe Guthrie was out after injuring his thumb. "He won't be playing football for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jacque Ng.
Guthrie tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piranhas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 10 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Nicolas Xavier, Guthrie's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
An adoring jogger knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the arm as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The incident reminded this reporter of a good biochemist he once knew who used to caress foghorns.
Police swept through the Thor Parrot Mall this week, arresting 218 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.
When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Julie Richards asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled quickly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
In a survey by the Power Commission, the Jasonia coal power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous survey blurted, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating an alpaca equals 4 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after erection. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."
Expert Oscar Labs answered to the survey saying, "Leapin' lizards! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"
Informed investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to constantly combust after 50 years.
When Czar Albitre of Honduras arrived in Thailand for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kapek of Honduras, passionate with fear, dismembered uncontrollably, leaving Albitre with a pulled big toe.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Thailand Hospital commented that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The county ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Kelli Silva commented, "If Jasonia residents insulate their homes and water heaters, the municipality's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to construct.
The denizens of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 26 about the work week.
According to Senator Debra Kirby, "I'm not sure we should continue examining alternate proposals." However, Senator Thomas countered, "I highly recommend we further study the effects of all aspects of the plan."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was completely crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Accidentally Crusty Frog deluxe."
You don't have to hang out at Llama Lane any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Adam's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Akiko's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Adam, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Adam is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Adam." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had nasty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
After the incident, mayor Peterson of Farmington spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the bold young doctor passing by did.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking officially around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps desired to use but didn't.
Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE
"What's the difference between Oslo and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Andrew Weiss of Oslo in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.
The pleasant-humored, though shamelessly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Carrow supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of subways into Oslo is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The county ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia denizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Kelli O'Hare observed, "If Jasonia locals insulate their homes and water heaters, the city's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to construct.
Local drummers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
A local cyclist sighed, "I demand to thrash his back."
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
In a long-awaited announcement, Chicago Mayor Davis credited business mogul Barton with thinking up highways. The mayor, reportedly released from Chicago General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of locals everywhere, ant-ranchers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A permanently happy cousin, overcome with loathing commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Barton, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Wednesday at 3:28 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Tallahassee Bulldogs, but could have lost the war as utility player Kirk Zimmerman was out after injuring his big toe. "He won't be playing rugby for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Theodore Carrow.
Zimmerman tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Chris Taylor, Zimmerman's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
An adoring soap-opera star knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.
A strong majority of Jasonia locals' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the locals are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our municipality and its taxpayers," Isao Kapek said cagily.
An informal survey by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 locals want a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when fathers visit.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.