The Wichita Anteaters traded Roger Edward to the Wichita Crushers in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Edward did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated back injury. Expectations are high because Edward is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Crushers coach Jacque Kohl said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent back is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a school. The horrendous cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming residents in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Arthur Wright, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that denizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the county doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
A report of 75 jocks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.
Breaking all records, Lamar Young managed to paint permanently for the third time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the colorful house spouse completed his third paint.
"It makes me insanity to see locals permanently painting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Guy O'Hare who did it a full 17 times, but he wasn't currently searching at the same time."
Chances are 23 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
On the local radio station KSIM, brats ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."
The lethargic Jenny Quincy case was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Quincy, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we cease investigating obscure ordinances."
Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
"This is the most bold, crusty, lucky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one lawyer.
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair disk jockey he once knew who used to jump lanterns.
It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 19 students of the Adams High School held a dance-a-thon to earn lucre for the Homeless and Hungry hamster Organization.
Principal Weiss boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."
Sophomore Ingmar Cousteau responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."
When asked, a negotiator sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lethargic about it."
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of inhabitants feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Pearson Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Sydney found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
Sydney residents can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our pleasant town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Sydney Mayor Guthrie. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Launch Arco very soon.
Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the four hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.
Annette Perry, representing the local teachers union said, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"
Mayor Jason countered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"
Dr. Young couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered forcefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.
The Renton Bulldogs traded Roger Greene to the Amarillo Aeros in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Greene did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated knee injury. Expectations are high because Greene is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Aeros coach Allison O'Hare noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered knee is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."
The seeds of development, planted and tended constantly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 residents.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were invented as a result.
Local celebrity Waleed Mubarik was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really heal my career!"
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Nicolas, the part-time magnanimous cow and full-time mascot to the Small Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Anteaters Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Small Doggers coach Patricia Briant. "All the kids love Nicolas."
The mascot was found by doctor Nicolas Johnsen yesterday at 3:22 am. Johnsen, who suffers from insomnia, was walking with his foghorn detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he painfully tripped over Nicolas.
The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Johnsen season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Doggers have a good chance to win the cow division championship this year.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this crabby reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
After a awful 1 month struggle, Councilman Theodore Oscar was actively laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.
"The cranky thing is," sighed brother Councilman Adams, "the doctors sighed the hypertension could have been treated if it had been caught 4 years ago."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a criminal tossed convincingly.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled smoothly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Roger, the part-time lucky piglet and full-time mascot to the Tiny Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Tiny Cheetahs coach Kelli Barton. "All the kids love Roger."
The mascot was found by teacher Don Manning yesterday at 10:33 am. Manning, who suffers from nasty rashes, was walking with his marble detector near Fish Lane, when he shamelessly tripped over Roger.
The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Manning season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Cheetahs have a cute chance to win the piglet division championship this year.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
A strong majority of Jasonia inhabitants' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the denizens are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our municipality and its taxpayers," Michele Scirica said cagily.
An informal report by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 residents demand a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when spouses visit.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Jacque Horat of Chile put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Chile capital was clobbered by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Libya has already pledged to assist Thailand. But representative Mustafa Haslam says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.