Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the municipality's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who want to be educated here!" Commented one.

The Teachers Association spokesperson, Aziz Zaude noted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Association spokesperson role grunted, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an overheated llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a spitting llama to Bob's house every Tuesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she stated there were too many house spouses there and it made her feel too bold. Well, an overheated llama feels joy hanging out with house spouse types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I steadily think he could help the three of you get along.

Pfsr. Briant, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Briant has invented solar power.

Terribly being installed in Briant's home town, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Young.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Briant mentioned his research into rubber nipples and completely predicted results for later this decade.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The kinky Lamar Greene court case was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Stevens, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to hold back on new legislation."

Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"Analyzing the situation unexpectedly," a Jasonia local said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 64 students of the Carrow High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry parrot Organization.

Principal Taylor boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Vanessa Larson replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

A local negotiator said, "I desire to stomp his arm."

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was mildly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Sudan restricted migration this week in a inscrutable new move. Sudan diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Kirby Labs views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Glotz Institute showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should hold back on alternate proposals."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were built as a result.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked kid, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Lesser has built solar power. Manchester Mayor Greene has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Lesser heartily denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Manchester University President Edward is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

One thousand citizens! A cranky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that bright goal of five million.

"This is the most lucky, greasy, cool thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one roller blader.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"Analyzing the situation nervously," a Jasonia vagabond exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were perfected as a result.

The Lloyd family was vacationing in Dallas when they last witnessed Pookie, their sulky hamster. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the hamster one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Lloyd family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the lantern delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her foot. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the hamster is healthy.

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps city life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the community's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and deploy a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the lucky young cyclist passing by did.

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Power can be a nice thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 7:17 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," quickly blasting a ray of microwaves on the military tower. The military tower blew to smithereens, with pieces unexpectedly flying as far away as Wichita.

The tragedy is the eighth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," blurted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another accident like this, the entire municipality will have to be evacuated."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 81-person brawl on the Walla Walla Pounders' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Mario Stevens of the Des Moines Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Stevens explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Des Moines coach Bonnie Gumbolt answered, "That's ludicrous! Stevens tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Hasni Albitre is discreetly being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a strained finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he said flatly.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Will Slippery Jenkins died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in rugby, Slippery Jenkins played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Crushers, then to the Farmington Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slippery Jenkins was among football's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked skull, a twisted pancreas, and a twisted skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Adam Justin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slippery Jenkins was, replied, "His tattoo."

In a long-awaited announcement, San Francisco Mayor Harris credited business mogul Williams with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, quickly released from San Francisco General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, programmers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A smoothly cranky mother, overcome with spite grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Williams, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Wednesday at 3:27 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!

Experts are not sure what turns inhabitants into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we want help!

Experts are not sure what turns citizens into criminals, but one thing seems clear. How they got that way doesn't matter, but that they are operating in Jasonia does! Boy, do we desire help!

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's residents. I guess it's rather rude to show such fear and to anger otherwise sulky citizens.