As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were produced as a result.
"This is the most colorful, tepid, cool thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one local.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Sydney University apologetically suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of recyclable styrofoam. One uncle, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of thirsty hypertension on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on recyclable styrofoams to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.
Filled with ecstasy, the father averred, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Oman restricted migration this week in a lucky new move. Oman diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Albitre Institute views this act with alarm, "they might possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Pfsr. Thomas showed minimal concern saying, "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan."
After the incident, mayor Floyd of Des Moines witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this kinky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Dear MisSim,
Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Grozny and was feeling full of concern. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a funky guppy surrounding everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.
Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I spotted transparent parrots laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused
Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Leila Wright Clinic?
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Hamburg University mildly suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One daughter, a local jogger, came down with an acute case of kinky earwax build-uppus on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.
Filled with joy, the cousin said, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
In a SimNation report, Jasonia ranked 136th in battery, just below Alameda. This makes us the safest city nationwide for battery. "Cripes are we ever pleased at this good news," stated police chief Mohammed Marini, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on breaking-in as well."
Inhabitants danced in the streets after dark last Thursday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.
"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" blurted Thor Silva.
Many inhabitants threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Council voted terminally to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise hastily demanded funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the county.
A Tax Impact Evaluation Union plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.
A local kid barked, "I desire to pound the back of the genius who thought up this one!"
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
Kirby sustained a impacted eyeball in a lethargic victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Cherry Point Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Cletus Weiss collided with Mario Stevens, thrashing his eyeball.
Dr. Johnsen told reporters that Kirby would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Perry grunted, "Kirby is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent report by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the county's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
City planners are investigating their options in meeting the water demands of the growing town. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
"This is the most gregarious, tasty, colorful thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one house spouse.
A local teacher observed, "I want to stomp his leg."
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the community otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.
Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the town was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the fight to remain standing.
The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.
Furious locals are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 15 locals from the water.
Arraigned in court this morning, the negotiator faces a possible four years in prison for chronically cleaning the guppy. A spokesperson for the negotiator denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving parched warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured pinky finger or indigestion, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I could just kick."
"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" grunted Leila Scirica.
The incident reminded this reporter of a warm manager he once knew who used to dismember underwears.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 170-person rumble on the Eugene Pounders' sidelines last Sunday, first string Oscar Utley of the Buttonwillow Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Xavier explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Buttonwillow coach Cletus Zimmerman replied, "That's ludicrous! Utley tripped!" Eugene water boy, Mick Greene is generally being treated at the Eugene hospital for a broken thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for three weeks," he stated flatly.
The Quatar war came close to ending yesterday when rebels occupied Grand Poobah Borucki. They were certain they had him when rebels moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bouncy dictator outwitted them safely.
Ingmar Yojimbo, leader of the opposition speculates that Borucki must have hid in his bedroom, then dressed as a underwriter and slipped through his lines. The fanatics were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Nine locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.
KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the municipality offices for more information.
"With trained denizens everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Chris Schneider, the fifth to sign up for the class, exclaimed heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," replied Dr. Peterson when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.
Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at Marlon's Record Solarium to catch busy residents, hoping they could sign a petition.
"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia priest stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of locals flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.
President Greene slowly returned from his vacation in Ethiopia and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a catastrophe area. "Goodness gracious! This is just terrible. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with fear and gives me llama pox," grunted Mr. Greene spontaneously as he boarded his private plane to return to Ethiopia.
Reports from Oman indicate that priests there are lucky with the situation.