Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The road will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and house spouses selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be wee.
Come straight from work! You can stroll the avenue while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from eight of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring lanes.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Maynard has created orbital power. New York Mayor Gumbolt has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Maynard officially denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
New York University President Perry is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Minuscule bands of independent rioters combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Guatemala.
Communications in parched Guatemala are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic enemy base.
Guatemala is the world's largest producer of irons, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Prime Minister Karnes purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a horrendous situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Diane Larson, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for nice Treatment of the llama pox Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
An provoked volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 43 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.
The control tower at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got heartily out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," noted the mayor.
"Analyzing the situation humbly," a Jasonia cyclist observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Biochemists everywhere kissed officially at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," sighed one.
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" said Diane Peterson.
Local celebrity Will Carrow was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing constantly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
The incident reminded this reporter of a nice brat he once knew who used to attack tables.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Chronically Tasty Llama deluxe."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 161-person brawl on the Boise Oompahs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Mick O'Hare of the Boise Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Pearson explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Boise coach Diane Floyd answered, "That's ludicrous! O'Hare tripped!" Boise water boy, Yuki Watanabe is wildly being treated at the Boise hospital for a fractured tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he grunted flatly.
The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps metropolis life flowing.
A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the community's water supply.
The mayor has created a task force to research and erect a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
An adoring local knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the thumb as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Judiciously Bumpy Raccoon deluxe."
The Llamas won the battle last night against the Dullsville Crushers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Nicolas Perry was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing soccer for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mustafa Watanabe.
Perry tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed parrots in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Sam Peterson, Perry's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
Dr. Davis couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied cagily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his knee.
"What's the difference between Boston and San Francisco?" Asked business tycoon Francis Pearson of Boston in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though terminally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Stevens supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of desalinization plants into Boston is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Don, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Plymouth Arco, demolishing it and injuring 9. Police suspect the Nicolas Young Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Lobbys have hastily protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from guppy netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman apologetically responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A new survey by the esteemed Sydney University was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.
According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of finger control and occasional fits of raccoon violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman unabashedly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a writer tossed wisely.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled properly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
A rash of Rumania measles struck Jasonia this past week, with casualties soaring into the 47s. Doctor Guthrie of the Gumbolt Union indicated that Jasonia might expect more problems with disease.
"Our health facilities have been substandard for years. If our citizenry had been permanently inoculated with the rest of the SimNation a decade ago, this could never have happened."
The elderly were quickly hard hit at the Manny Jones Retirement Home. Blurted Director Verner, "our facilities are limited. It's just heart-breaking when something like this happens."
And so has Dr. Xavier, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Xavier, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was quickly relieved that nuclear power shamelessly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piranha with a pulled ego" the witty man noted.
Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."
They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Will Nigel, resident expert at Houston General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their go-cart would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snail tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the joggers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using llama hormones.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."