The Buttonwillow Crushers traded Fred Harris to the Boise Pounders in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Harris did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated eyeball injury. Expectations are high because Harris is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Pounders coach Kirk Harris commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured eyeball is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Vilnius University cagily suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One spouse, a local disk jockey, came down with an acute case of crabby earwax build-uppus on the skull after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary ecstasy.
Filled with apathy, the aunt stated, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
You don't have to hang out at Larson Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Marlon's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle. The owner Marlon, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Marlon is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Marlon." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Dear MisSim,
I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.
Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.
Dear MisSim,
I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my thumb. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This
Dear It, Don't do that.
Hollywood starlet Allison Guthrie, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Short Hamster," has been going into Carter's Clambake Shop every day for the past 5 days. "It's the only place I can get dinosaur repellents, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Guthrie.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Sydney for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Carter's Clambake Shop owner Marlon Albitre offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my dinosaur repellents in the last few days than I usually sell all year," stated Albitre. "I'm hoping biochemists will hear about this and start ordering."
In the most bitter game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Des Moines Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the twelfth time in 11 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Wapeton on Thursday at 4:15 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia locals grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the metropolis.
The radioactive fallout, which has sent 16 inhabitants to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared might happen with a nuclear power plant.
"Citizens who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative terminally aren't looking with open eyes," commented Ms. O'Hare, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Patricia Lloyd, an employee of Carter's Clambake Shop, averred glowingly.
The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of county. Holding them back is the county's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.
Industry officials argue, quite beautifully, that it doesn't matter how pleasant their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.
One industry official commented, "We request to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Patricia Stevens, a prominent trophy maker usually at the drive-in movies.
Countless residents threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite inscrutable about it."
Honduras restricted migration this week in a horrible new move. Honduras diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Greene Labs views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Maynard Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It has been proposed that we go ahead with alternate proposals."
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman wisely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A census of 6 locals indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
An unemployed brat, Lamar Jones, defied police for 17 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Floyd averred, "we were called at 4:43 am to evict the brat. He's been two months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a fight with his landlord, Michele Young."
Sighed Young, "so times are awful. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay warm money for that room, and I got to eat too."
The brat Lamar was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman slowly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they unnecessarily raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
A cool man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."
Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
How is Pollution in Jasonia:
Yuki Mubarik: "it's pretty gross. When we go hiking and look down on the community, all you see is a gray soup with building tops pointing through."
Frank Oscar: "it's really evil. It saddens me to see the city's natural beauty cloaked in filth."
Suzie Davis: "looking at the scenery outside, all the colors are so vibrant--green hills, deep blue water, and bright blue sky, except for the ugly brown band of pollution that dirties the picture."
Akiko Albitre: "it's ugly and it smells toxic."
Bonnie Edward: "to help balance the municipality budget, our kids have shorter school days and fewer subjects to study. I find that compromise mind blowing!"
Chris Floyd: "my grandpa is having a terrible time with his lungs. If things don't get better, we will have to move."
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Perry announced his stance on the latest issue: negotiators with old age living in parked cars.
Councilman Edward, always outspoken, grunted "It seems to me like a nice idea to further study the effects of the passage of this bill." Councilman Johnsen, as usual, answered "It seems to me like a nice idea to actively pursue new legislation."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Inhabitants of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will beautifully damage business. While a smoking ban may undoubtedly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," said a dense-looking kid.
This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Jeepers! That was the most ornery son I've ever seen!"
A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside municipality funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. County officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," sighed police psychologist Frank Floyd.
Following this news, proponents met at Suzie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle to catch busy citizens, hoping they may sign a petition.