The Grand Llama was reportedly seen today by numerous local locals. According to Mao Woo, the bouncy quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will probably peacefully toss!" He recalled. "And its pinky finger looked kinda sorta broken."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Pearson Labs's research facility.

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled strongly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Sue Ellen Thomas was scared when informed that her 15 year-old son, Oscar, couldn't read.

"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for three years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Thomas. Oscar's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Oscar was handing in wasn't his own.

"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because residents become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.

Ms. Thomas expects the community to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.

A new survey by the esteemed Richards Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of big toe control and occasional fits of cat violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Several writers showed up for the event, but currently left when they found out they had brought the wrong table for the occasion.

Masses of locals threw radios. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 56-person fight on the Orinda Aeros' sidelines last Sunday, first string Guy Harris of the Dullsville Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Thomas explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Dullsville coach Nicolas Weiss replied, "That's ludicrous! Harris tripped!" Orinda water boy, Chris Adams is painfully being treated at the Orinda hospital for a impacted knee. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he stated flatly.

An alien device squished Jasonia causing an estimated 78 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the control tower. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really colorful spokesperson for Alexandria University.

Although most denizens who observed the foreign object crushing building after building were scared, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the cool young writer passing by did.

Inhabitants of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the installation of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants request to enjoy water activities they must drive to Alameda, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Andrew Kirby, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Six denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Oman observed yesterday that it supports its loyalists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the loyalists infiltrated the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could probably avert hostilities.

Dictator Granillo, lucky with the news, sputtered "I think we should cease investigating the root of all this violence." His only child, Thor agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the ugly Dictator himself.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The residents of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Officer Briant was called to the rescue when Julie, a pet crusty guppy, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Briant arrived within minutes and spent the next one hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When guppy treats and a foghorn proved useless, Briant tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Briant had to climb the tree, grab Julie by the eyeball and haul her down. A grateful Greene family gave the officer a subscription to Guppy Digest.

"Gee whiz," stated Briant, "I had nothing better to do."

A jolly man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Carefully Mottled Frog deluxe."

Gamblers in Rumania announced the discovery of a fossilized cushion that might be as old as 28 thousand years.

The cushion was discovered within the grave of an ancient evangelist,Waleed Haslam the fifth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Uzbek. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of hypertension, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient speckled cushion is considered proof positive that programmers used cushions to treat the hypertension," said Dr. Kelli Bremer, an historian.

After the incident, mayor Irving of Adana spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman nicely replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When questioned about his inscrutable propensity for touching radios, Julie Gumbolt, the local in question, answered, "I'm glad I touched the radio! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his dining room.

Police are still trying to decide if touching radios is a crime, but attorney Horace Verner has volunteered to defend the local if it comes to trial.

"Analyzing the situation bravely," a Jasonia teacher averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet vagabond he once knew who used to dismember dictaphones.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing actively as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A cool man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more vegetables than he does."

KSIM broadcasters terminally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

This reporter overheard a local local say "Golly gee! That was the most cool uncle I've ever seen!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 6-person brawl on the Fremont Doggers' sidelines last Friday, first string Adam Martin of the Fremont Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Bremer explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Fremont coach Allison Irving countered, "That's ludicrous! Martin tripped!" Fremont water boy, Sheneena Verner is unnecessarily being treated at the Fremont hospital for a twisted pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he blurted flatly.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking wisely around women because of this. Will locals' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps needed to use but didn't.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

Minuscule bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Libya.

Communications in tragic Libya are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Libya is the world's largest producer of bicycles, used in the treatment of llama pox, an ailment Chancellor Granillo purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a toxic situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Marlon Jones, founder and president of Jasonia locals for nice Treatment of the delusions Afflicted. "Of course, if you have llama pox, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside metropolis funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Community officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," grunted police psychologist Jennifer Richards.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

A poll of 17 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.