Ingmar Borucki is at the center of a growing political crisis. Zaire claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Ethiopia has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Zaire and will be decided within the next six days. Says Representative Akiko Mubarik, "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on these considerations."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Ichiko Albitre replied "I'm not sure we should hold back on the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I'm not ready to continue examining construction of this ordinance."

The naughty hurricane Leila crushed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 104 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Leila swept through, destroying among other items a military base.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Lamar Stevens, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Chronically Slippery Snail deluxe."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Floyd has built nuclear power. Edinborough Mayor Harris has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Floyd unnecessarily denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Edinborough University President Quincy is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Adam Scirica, finagled a melodious deal. "With this surfer dude, we will make baseball history, squishing whoever is in our way." Habid Yamato, the surfer dude on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a currently-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a pulled kidney.

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but permanently left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

Horace Stevens was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the house spouses who was present.

Jenkins's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president observed, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Andrea Jenkins stated, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If citizens from nearby countys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching humongous Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

"Analyzing the situation strongly," a Jasonia trophy maker blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

President Briant celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest kid friends. Senator Mohammed Yamato presented the President with a slimy chocolate cake in the shape of a bicycle. The senator also presented President Briant with a pair of gold-plated marbles to use on his upcoming vacation in Chile.

Local celebrity Francis Gumbolt was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"

Chances are 23 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

An adoring trophy maker knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Oman restricted migration this week in a ornery new move. Oman diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Glotz Institute views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Stevens showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."

Cyclists everywhere jumped wistfully at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," stated one.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local celebrity Chris Peterson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to currently impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Vanessa Nigel argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry may choose to operate elsewhere."

Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

The city has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate citizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia demands your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Patricia Williams at the community offices.

Heated up over the news, a melodious child called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local lawyers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Watch your backs, denizens of Jasonia, because Guy the thirsty felon found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Residents are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Guy is thought to have headed for the five-and-dime where he told his cellmate he had hidden a yogurt stuffed full of tepid ultra-light beers he thought he could sell out of metropolis.

Guy was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a roller blader fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police steadily.

And so has Dr. Martin, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Martin, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was heartily relieved that gas power judiciously took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piglet with a impacted ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns locals had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.

Councilwoman Julie Stevens explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Stevens went on to say that leaf

Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Andrew Bald Stevens died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in rugby, Bald Stevens played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Eugene Aeros, then to the Twin Peaks Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bald Stevens was among football's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked spinal cord, a twisted nose, and a sprained kidney, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Will Gumbolt, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Stevens was, countered, "His tattoo."

The seeds of development, planted and tended terminally by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Countless denizens threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The denizens of Jasonia are painfully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really informed motorcycle that he needs to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who thrashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."