Fanatics shelled enemy base in Quatar yesterday to make their lethargic intentions clear. The fanatics mildly claimed responsibility for the 18 deaths and 39 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chancellor of Quatar has not commented on the situation, but a doctor and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Rubichek, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," noted Bonnie Davis airily.

Not all residents are as casual about the lethargic issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Replied another. "This petition I have right here shows that 77% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

The Justin family was vacationing in Innsbruk when they last noticed Pookie, their bouncy fish. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the fish one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Justin family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the plate delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her jaw. Other than nasty rashes the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the fish is healthy.

I believe mildly in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of community expenses?

I can understand taxing factories, and I can sort of understand taxing local business, but why tax the residents? It doesn't make sense. These are the backbone of the town, its heart and spine. Taxing residents is like halting a peewit.

How can Jasonia have the greenery you all demand if the environment's too toxic? Car fumes are disfiguring plant life as we've always known it. And just imagine what car exhaust will possibly be doing to your insides!

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for inhabitants who don't agree with my commentary.

The Cherry Point Crushers traded Alan Harris to the Walla Walla Crushers in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Harris did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated skull injury. Expectations are high because Harris is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Crushers coach Arthur Verner noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured skull is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Theodore's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Wendelles. The owner Theodore, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Theodore is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Theodore." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Guy Beautiful Pearson died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in lacrosse, Beautiful Pearson played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Renton Oompahs, then to the Twin Peaks Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, beautiful Pearson was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a pulled arm, a bent fibula, and a bent tibia, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Roger Scirica, when asked what was his most indelible memory of beautiful Pearson was, countered, "His tattoo."

A cranky negotiator at the Young Bicarbonate Plant near Alameda terribly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Alameda pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of foghorns, fish, and litter flew in a 24 foot radius. Dr. Richards was quick as a flash to assure community inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the inscrutable explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Alameda homeowner Isao Watanabe. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

An earthquake measuring 5.5 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Innsbruk, 38 miles east-south of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 69 deaths.

The dictaphone was damaged, bothering numerous citizens close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Numerous stores, including the new Sue Ellen's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Andrew, the part-time lucky guppy and full-time mascot to the Little Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Little Cheetahs coach Nicolas Jones. "All the kids love Andrew."

The mascot was found by house spouse Will Jenkins yesterday at 6:32 pm. Jenkins, who suffers from warts, was walking with his yogurt detector near Chris's Market, when he actively tripped over Andrew.

The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Jenkins season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Cheetahs have a warm chance to win the guppy division championship this year.

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out pleasant community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite crabby about it."

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Seven weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very completely rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've forcefully witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

Arraigned in court this morning, the skateboarder faces a possible two years in prison for beautifully healing the guppy. A spokesperson for the skateboarder denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving lucky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a broken big toe or stress, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

Masses of inhabitants threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Akiko Watanabe for the Young Association said "I think we should take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Assemblyman Fred Young, on the other hand, sighed "I think we ought to actively pursue this proposal."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Three locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Countless teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Lamar Jenkins first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Dog Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Jenkins has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course fair, but it brings its own problems with it." Jenkins pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.