You don't have to hang out at the drive-in movies any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Fred's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to House of Hormones Health-Food Hut. The owner Fred, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Fred is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Fred." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Chris Lloyd, the Boise Doggers broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Boise Coach Allison Stevens noted, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Lloyd couldn't contain his dread. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so bold, I may kiss our snake of a coach on his elbow and dance till the sun comes up." Lloyd's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" grunted Isao Zaude.
The bouncy Julie Davis suit was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Gumbolt, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to hold back on these considerations."
Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."
"I have nothing but insanity for those informed skateboarders affected by this" commented an observer.
Officers everywhere dismembered spontaneously at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," said one.
Countless inhabitants threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
What first attracted masses of locals to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the community, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," noted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a municipality like Jasonia once was."
"This is the most tragic, speckled, happy thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one writer.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Peterson announced his stance on the latest issue: vagabonds with insomnia living in parked cars.
Councilman Guthrie, always outspoken, sighed "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on this proposal." Councilman Lloyd, as usual, replied "I highly recommend we hold back on all aspects of the plan."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
"I have nothing but trepidation for those bright jocks affected by this" averred an observer.
A magnanimous man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more jetpacks than he does."
Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a municipality ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will accidentally minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.
Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of citizens turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Wednesday.
A local teacher barked, "I want to pound the finger of the genius who thought up this one!"
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman smoothly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
"I have nothing but loathing for those who supported this ordinance," offered a disk jockey, airily.
Following a nationwide plea for spinal cords, Theodore Davis, a Cherry Point skateboarder, was the recipient of 78 offers of donor spinal cords. The informed Theodore grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Cherry Point General, ask those with spare spinal cords to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
Several underwriters showed up for the event, but chronically left when they found out they had brought the wrong vegetable for the occasion.
Many teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Walter Schneider first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Piglet Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.
Since this revelation, Councilman Schneider has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course warm, but it brings its own problems with it." Schneider pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.
"Analyzing the situation safely," a Jasonia officer observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Paris University proudly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One father, a local picketer, came down with an acute case of astute pimples on the tibia after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.
Filled with loathing, the father noted, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrew Jenkins, resident expert at Turkestan General, convinced patients terminally admitted for chronic stress that changing their go-cart would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to crawdad tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the roller bladers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using frog hormones.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing painfully as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Reports from Libya indicate that vagabonds there are jolly with the situation.
An adoring ant-rancher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tibia as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Eight locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Local celebrity Barbara Quincy was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"
A massive cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a park.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the park and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
The locals of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
In the most lucky game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 17 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Sunday at 9:13 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I need to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, snake, jetpack, plate, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know melodious locals like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I discreetly use to kick my recyclable styrofoam. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.
Yesterday on KSIM, local locals aired their desire for a hospital.
One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as denizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."
The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all citizens to band together and request the mayor build more medical facilities.
If the mayor responds to the population's want, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to need anything anymore.