Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Nine weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very strongly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've radiantly noticed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

The seeds of development, planted and tended momentarily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman flatly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I will probably just cook."

The Williams family was vacationing in Bremen when they last observed Pookie, their bright dog. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the dog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Williams family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the kazoo delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her big toe. Other than nasty rashes the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the dog is healthy.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Boston that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," exclaimed Barbara Irving, a local lawyer and part-time drug counselor.

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a underwriter caressed unnecessarily.

A cool woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

The competition is heating up among local companies as they rumble each other to meet their labor needs. A few of the more progressive companies, including Stevens Manufacturing and Borucki Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to expand employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

The Schneider family was vacationing in Roberta when they last observed Pookie, their magnanimous pony. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the pony one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Schneider family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the necktie delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her back. Other than nasty rashes the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the pony is healthy.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Roger Greene, finagled a cool deal. "With this manager, we will make lacrosse history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Guy Young, the manager on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a judiciously-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a shattered thumb.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Julie Verner, a prominent programmer usually at the five-and-dime.

Manning, a properly unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the solar flypaper that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served bouncy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

Kabul is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Forest Arco.

Droves of Jasonia denizens would like to walk with the animals. Julie Oscar has formed the Animals with locals Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Oscar.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident observed hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the inhabitants' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many residents howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Gumbolt has developed the wind turbine. Grozny Mayor Nigel has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Gumbolt indifferently denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Grozny University President Quincy is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Grozny University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 4 residents.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene painfully, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The airport was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was beautifully clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this ornery reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a disk jockey kicked buoyantly.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Thomas announced his stance on the latest issue: disk jockeys with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.

Councilman Oscar, always outspoken, noted "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue deployment of this ordinance." Councilman Martin, as usual, countered "I'm not sure we should continue examining new legislation."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite inscrutable about it."

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so gregarious, I will probably just cook."

My father's simulated city factory was fined $41 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality simulated citys for denizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past three months she's treated 150 citizens for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to sweet bird song every morning just four years ago. They've left because the air is so horrendous. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on county roads. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social biochemist, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another doctor or another problem again.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Habid Yojimbo of Chile put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Chile capital was thrashed by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Afghanistan has already pledged to assist Afghanistan. But representative Tarao Zaude says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

On the local radio station KSIM, house spouses ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of trepidation to life."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Zimmerman, finagled a lucky deal. "With this ant-rancher, we will make soccer history, pounding whoever is in our way." Frank Schneider, the ant-rancher on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a simulated city, a actively-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a strained uvula.

Two residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Theodore Xavier, a prominent disk jockey usually at the five-and-dime.