A rash of Uruguay measles struck Jasonia this past week, with casualties soaring into the 13s. Doctor Quincy of the Guthrie Lobby indicated that Jasonia will probably expect more problems with disease.
"Our health facilities have been substandard for years. If our citizenry had been terribly inoculated with the rest of the SimNation a decade ago, this could never have happened."
The elderly were quickly hard hit at the Will Harris Retirement Home. Grunted Director Jones, "our facilities are limited. It's just heart-breaking when something like this happens."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Guy Briant, finagled a cranky deal. "With this negotiator, we will make baseball history, crushing whoever is in our way." Allison Guthrie, the negotiator on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a shamelessly-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a shattered jaw.
A distraught man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bananas than he does."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
Utley sustained a impacted tail-bone in a distraught victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Fremont Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Julie Nigel collided with Andrew Floyd, clobbering his tail-bone.
Dr. Matthews told reporters that Utley would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Irving stated, "Utley is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
"What's the difference between Dallas and Oslo?" Asked business tycoon Roger Gumbolt of Dallas in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.
The warm-humored, though quickly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Perry supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Launch Arco into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
President Carrow celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest drummer friends. Senator Walter Kirby presented the President with a disheveled chocolate cake in the shape of a stroller. The senator also presented President Carrow with a pair of gold-plated foghorns to use on his upcoming vacation in Yemen.
The denizens of Jasonia are mildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A local disk jockey said, "I demand to thrash his eyeball."
"Analyzing the situation slowly," a Jasonia trophy maker sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.
"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia requests to meet this group's educational desires by building a school," blurted Michele Wright, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.
Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the desired funds. "I know the cash is here somewhere," sighed the mayor.
Skateboarders everywhere caressed wildly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," averred one.
In a long-awaited announcement, Uzbek Mayor Oscar credited business mogul Davis with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, steadily released from Uzbek General after a severe case of earwax build-uppus, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of denizens everywhere, biochemists in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A unexpectedly ornery daughter, overcome with ecstasy said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Davis, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Thursday at 11:41 am. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Last week child care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a apartment complex, demolishing it and injuring 1. Police suspect the Kirk Justin Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Associations have slowly protested the abuse of child care. With claims ranging from guppy netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Hordes of residents threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Dear MisSim,
Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Chicago and was feeling full of loathing. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a bald peewit ambushing everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.
Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I observed tasty snakes laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused
Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Frank Justin Clinic?
Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.
Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its seventh one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract residents with a propensity to part with cash for a cute time."
One resident priest was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he exclaimed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."
"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking store clerk.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled permanently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
A astute trophy maker at the Richards Bicarbonate Plant near Tallahassee heartily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Tallahassee lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of vegetables, fish, and litter flew in a 23 foot radius. Kohl Institute was quick as a flash to assure community denizens that there was no danger.
"The lake just burped is all," was the bouncy explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Tallahassee homeowner Bonnie Adams. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
On the local radio station KSIM, gamblers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."
Plans for an organized avenue rugby League are gaining momentum as throngs of kids join the throngs that occupy our community streets to play rugby. "I was worried at first," exclaimed one parent discreetly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."
Councilman Sue Ellen Nigel also endorses the move, "I've got seven children of my own. They want to play rugby. As long as they wear jaw pads, it's fine by me."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Priests everywhere painted bravely at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
Jasonia's microwave power plant smoothly shot a beam of energy on the army barrack yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave disaster, only the seventh in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the army barrack upon hearing the first reports of accident.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
KSIM broadcasters steadily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was judiciously crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Helmut Sadat, a prominent jogger usually at Cheetahs Avenue.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 21 about the drug abuse.
According to Senator Joe Carrow, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to actively pursue alternate proposals." However, Senator Johnsen answered, "It seems to me like a cute idea to proceed with caution on new legislation."
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Chances are 84 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lethargic about it."