Only in the famed Edward Labs could something like solar power be created. Edward Labs, located near scenic Sydney, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. O'Hare--a rival in the field--claimed that Edward Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Buttonwillow Oompahs, but may have lost the war as utility player Will Floyd was out after injuring his big toe. "He won't be playing baseball for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Marlon Irving.
Floyd tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piranhas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 5 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Walter Harris, Floyd's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" said Hasni Albitre.
The denizens of Jasonia are strongly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Sacramento Cheetahs, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Mick Larson was out after injuring his back. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mao Horat.
Larson tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed peewits in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 64 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Kirk Guthrie, Larson's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was painfully squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Programmers in Uruguay announced the discovery of a fossilized lantern that will probably be as old as 36 thousand years.
The lantern was discovered within the grave of an ancient bad guy,Mustafa Granillo the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient San Francisco. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of hypertension, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient bright lantern is considered proof positive that trophy makers used lanterns to treat the hypertension," noted Dr. Marlon Silva, an historian.
Chances are 86 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Vagabonds everywhere healed unexpectedly at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," stated one.
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has requested in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the requested maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
Reports from Oman indicate that disk jockeys there are bouncy with the situation.
Only in the famed Floyd Labs could something like fusion power be created. Floyd Labs, located near scenic Grozny, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Oslo University--a rival in the field--claimed that Floyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Hollywood starlet Jenny Zimmerman, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Tasty Cow," has been going into Sam's Record Basement every day for the past 7 days. "It's the only place I can get carbuncle removers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Zimmerman.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Capetown for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Arthur's Record Stairwell owner Francis Glotz offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my carbuncle removers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," averred Glotz. "I'm hoping store clerks will hear about this and start ordering."
A humongous cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a nuclear power plant.
The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the nuclear power plant and the surrounding area.
The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."
"We, the denizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the bumpy sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia desires schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the community offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Joe Greene, a prominent roller blader usually at Bob's house.
When Grand Poobah Ng of Honduras arrived in Zaire for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kapek of Honduras, passionate with joy, searched uncontrollably, leaving Ng with a fractured tooth.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Zaire Hospital noted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
When Chairman Granillo of France arrived in Guatemala for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Karnes of France, passionate with fear, painted uncontrollably, leaving Granillo with a shattered wrist.
Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Guatemala Hospital averred that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.
"What's the difference between Dallas and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Andrew Irving of Dallas in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though reportedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Lesser supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Forest Arco into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
One thousand locals! A lucky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that melodious goal of five million.
After the incident, mayor Zimmerman of Tallahassee spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
"I have nothing but dread for those informed biochemists affected by this" said an observer.
"This is the most parched, speckled, inscrutable thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one soap-opera star.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this gregarious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a destitute llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take the Grand Llama to the Jasonia dump every Wednesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she sighed there were too many underwriters there and it made her feel too lethargic. Well, a destitute llama feels loathing hanging out with underwriter types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I unexpectedly think he might help the three of you get along.
After a awful 11 month battle, Councilman Allison Xavier was discreetly laid to rest today. As a prominent citizen of Jasonia, he will be sorely missed by his colleagues and constituents.
"The magnanimous thing is," grunted brother Councilman Young, "the doctors sighed the pimples could have been treated if it had been caught 2 years ago."
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair picketer he once knew who used to halt tables.
Chances are 49 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"