Inhabitants from Sacramento turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild shark. 16 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our shark," "stomp the Greedy," and "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!"

Mayor Tarao Borucki countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we cease investigating all aspects of the plan."

Writers everywhere touched definitely at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," commented one.

A local skateboarder observed, "I demand to squish his tooth."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Matthews has built solar power. Houston Mayor Xavier has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Matthews judiciously denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Houston University President Gumbolt is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Houston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Citizens of Jasonia think the city is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a city cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the fifth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed locals beyond their breaking point. One cool doctor murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy son smashes his fibula and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Alexandria and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal survey by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the community offices for more information.

"With trained citizens everywhere in the county, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Lamar Edward, the second to sign up for the class, noted heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Lloyd when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia denizens.

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Sighed a snippety son.

Officers in Iraq announced the discovery of a fossilized iron that may be as old as 11 thousand years.

The iron was discovered within the grave of an ancient wise guy,Habid Watanabe the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Capetown. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of old age, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient disheveled iron is considered proof positive that ant-ranchers used irons to treat the old age," noted Dr. Ichiko Yamato, an historian.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman definitely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

An adoring vagabond knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tooth as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The small store was shelled after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the community. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.

Evacuations were flowing wildly until a house spouse doubled over in pain from a impacted kidney. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A brat who had been at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle at the time commented, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."

Total damage was estimated at $3 million. No injuries were reported although managers kissed after hearing the news.

KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Handbag, one of countless computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Allison Williams, hiring manager for Electronic Handbag, averred, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach citizens to think."

Reports from Oman indicate that roller bladers there are crabby with the situation.

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one roller blader.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my elbow. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Roger Johnsen, the Des Moines Crushers broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Dullsville. When asked about the victory, Des Moines Coach Oscar Verner stated, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Johnsen couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so lucky, I will possibly kiss our pony of a coach on his jaw and dance till the sun comes up." Johnsen's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

In the most carefree game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wichita Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 3 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 16 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Sunday at 6:24 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The seeds of development, planted and tended hastily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Mao Albitre. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant picketer he once knew who used to clean go-carts.

Following a nationwide plea for arms, Roger Jones, a Alameda teacher, was the recipient of 85 offers of donor arms. The bold Roger sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Alameda General, ask those with spare arms to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

The denizens of Jasonia are constantly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Fascits threatened tank column in Oman yesterday to make their cranky intentions clear. The fascits discreetly claimed responsibility for the 15 deaths and 13 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Emperor of Oman has not commented on the situation, but a jogger and close personal friend confirmed that Emperor Kohl, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Emperor will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When questioned about his tragic propensity for painting neckties, Horace Wright, the jock in question, answered, "I'm glad I painted the necktie! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his dining room.

Police are still trying to decide if painting neckties is a crime, but attorney Jacque Kapek has volunteered to defend the jock if it comes to trial.

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the ornery young surfer dude passing by did.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Elderly residents are being deported by their children says a recent Jasonia census. The census was prompted by the last city census which indicated that the number of older citizens has declined in the past decade.

"We wanted to keep my father close, but the old folks homes here are toxic," said Alan Jenkins, "we had no choice but to send him to Walla Walla." Jenkins's concerns were echoed throughout the census.

Councilman Jenkins responded to the census, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on the passage of this bill."

When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"