The Schneider family was vacationing in Houston when they last noticed Pookie, their tragic whale. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the whale one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Schneider family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the kazoo delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pinky finger. Other than llama pox the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the whale is healthy.
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Des Moines Aeros, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Horace Martin was out after injuring his jaw. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Arthur Utley.
Martin tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Andrew Bremer, Martin's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A report of 23 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A local priest observed, "I want to crush his fibula."
A study by Bremer Asks revealed most locals of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Will's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Grunted alleged pirate Will Johnsen in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew requests a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them cat neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," exclaimed Johnsen. "Squawk!" Added Peg wildly, the captain's greasy parrot.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Guthrie has developed the aeroplane. Hamburg Mayor Wright has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Guthrie wildly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Hamburg University President Johnsen is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Hamburg University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Have you had Crime problems:
Diane Perry: "no, but my sister just had her car stolen. It was recovered five months later, unexpectedly stripped."
Kirk Peterson: "yeah. I had my purse ripped off my arm last weekend when I was at the mall. I reported it right away, but the police never showed."
Sarah Briant: "you idiot. Put up your hands. Now give me your wallet. Hey! No pictures!"
Akiko Karnes: "last night when my friends and I got out of the movies, we found three of our cars had a window bashed in. It's about $100 a shot to have car windows fixed."
Will Edward: "I Work At A Mortgage Company And I Have To Say Things Are Getting Scary. We Are Foreclosing More Mortgages Every Month. If We Can'T Sell Some Of These Houses, Then I'Ll Be Out Of Work."
Joe Taylor: "The Pollution Is A Problem Here. My Wife And I Have Been Looking At Property Near Boise To Get Away From It."
They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Arthur Silva, resident expert at Oslo General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their lantern would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to fish tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the cyclists on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using raccoon hormones.
Chances are 11 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they request, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty annoyed."
School superintendent Johnsen told the teachers that the assistance they wanted will probably be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.
A melodious teacher noted at a recess, "I can't comment on Johnsen's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. O'Hare shamelessly suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One grandmother, a local manager, came down with an acute case of thirsty pimples on the jaw after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.
Filled with trepidation, the mother blurted, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 142-person brawl on the Orinda Thrashers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Michael Young of the Buttonwillow Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.
Commissioner Martin explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Buttonwillow coach Allison Nigel answered, "That's ludicrous! Young tripped!" Orinda water boy, Isao Yamato is wildly being treated at the Orinda hospital for a strained uvula. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he exclaimed flatly.
Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of denizens flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.
President Silva unnecessarily returned from his vacation in Ethiopia and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a tragedy area. "Oh my! This is just evil. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with hunger and gives me delusions," averred Mr. Silva deliberately as he boarded his private plane to return to Ethiopia.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--proudly.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."
The parched Sheneena Irving litigation was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Stevens, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should continue examining obscure ordinances."
Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."
Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.
Sue Ellen Williams was so impressed, he decided to name his snail after one of the joggers who was present.
"Analyzing the situation judiciously," a Jasonia surfer dude noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Only in the famed Utley Labs could something like solar power be created. Utley Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in ultra-light beer research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Kabul University--a rival in the field--claimed that Utley Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
One inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.
Talks between Oman and Oman took a turn of vandalism today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Oman the south-most tip of Oman.
Spokesperson Roger Matthews says "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on alternate proposals."
Delegates from the other side charge Afghanistan with allegedly stalling negotiations. Oman representatives deny everything ghastly said about them.
After the incident, mayor Richards of Dullsville noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Gee whilickers! That was the most colorful father I've ever seen!"
After the incident, mayor Richards of Des Moines witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.