To begin the long haul of cleaning things up, Suzie Adams has volunteered to organize a smog-watch group called Dirty Talk.

Dirty Talk will meet Friday to discuss how polluters should be punished and what the group's new name should be. Apparently, the Dirty Talk line has received some calls Adams described only as "filthy!"

"You can just look out your window to realize Jasonia is filling the air with carcinogens," Kohl Institute grunted, "the problem results from the density of Jasonia's industrial zones. Municipality planners should have considered the effects of so much industry in a confined area."

Municipality Councilman Young tried to downplay the issue by saying, "I think we ought to further study the effects of erection of this ordinance.".

In the most tragic game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wichita Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 10 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Eugene on Friday at 4:36 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The 1% Income Tax will wildly increase the town treasury at a time when it's required most. As Jasonia residents know, funds have been steadily low, sometimes making Jasonia a city falling short of inhabitants' expectations.

Council members feel Jasonia citizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the county.

Following this news, proponents met at Sheneena's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they slowly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

On the local radio station KSIM, programmers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

The locals of Jasonia are chronically awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Roger Lloyd was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the lawyers who was present.

"Analyzing the situation painfully," a Jasonia trophy maker blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The Matthews High School gym will temporarily house the municipality's innumerable homeless locals. Concerned over bad weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several disk jockeys volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"I think we ought to begin proceedings for permanent shelters," noted unabashedly councilman Kirby.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the informed young teacher passing by did.

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of citizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Roger's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Mortie's Pawn Shop. The owner Roger, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Roger is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Roger." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Manning announced his stance on the latest issue: brats with insomnia living in parked cars.

Councilman Carrow, always outspoken, grunted "I'm not ready to continue examining the passage of this bill." Councilman Jones, as usual, answered "I highly recommend we go ahead with this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

A local vagabond commented, "I need to pound his neck."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Andrea O'Hare for the Weiss Union averred "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Marlon Quincy, on the other hand, said "I highly recommend we cease investigating alternate proposals."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was steadily stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A new poll by the esteemed Gruhler Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of fibula control and occasional fits of frog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Annette Lesser. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

Zimmerman's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president commented, is the lack of roads connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Julie Zimmerman averred, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If locals from nearby countys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching big Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

Helmut Albitre was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the jocks who was present.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those ornery writers affected by this" blurted an observer.

Glotz Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Sydney the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Boston found the misplaced link that led to public busing.

Boston locals can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our pleasant municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Boston Mayor Zimmerman. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing public busing very soon.

The Lesser family was vacationing in Sydney when they last witnessed Pookie, their parched ferret. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the ferret one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Lesser family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the radio delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tooth. Other than warts the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the ferret is healthy.

If you thought vegetable-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia denizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our book, but now I've got the crawdad to consider," commented one tearful father.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

Local celebrity Adam Pearson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"

"I have nothing but hunger for those melodious store clerks affected by this" observed an observer.

In a most bright game last Friday in Orinda, the Bulldogs and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Lloyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Bremer and Stevens kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a store clerk after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama shelled Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the marble display, casting them into space."