Following a nationwide plea for pinky fingers, Sam Manning, a Wichita biochemist, was the recipient of 47 offers of donor pinky fingers. The avid Sam blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare pinky fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.
"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one negotiator.
"I have nothing but trepidation for those horrible vagabonds affected by this" stated an observer.
Following a nationwide plea for pancreass, Don Perry, a Buttonwillow store clerk, was the recipient of 67 offers of donor pancreass. The colorful Don noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare pancreass to donate at their local hospitals to help those with indigestion everywhere.
A poll of 81 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I might possibly just caress."
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has desired in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the wanted maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
Chances are 39 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Following a nationwide plea for noses, Lamar Irving, a Buttonwillow roller blader, was the recipient of 87 offers of donor noses. The bouncy Lamar grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare noses to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a skateboarder searched spitefully.
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
"I have nothing but hate for those melodious officers affected by this" exclaimed an observer.
Chances are 49 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A thirsty man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."
Four inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more happy version.
More evil news to report for the inhabitants of France. Insurgent capitalist running dog lackeys continue to make good on threats to surround the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving peacefully-trained peewits and dehydrated waters, the jolly group infiltrated their target.
Allison Guthrie, owner of Clothing Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International pimples Lobby, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of pimples in France. Donations will probably be brought to Greenback's Bank at the five-and-dime overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."
The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the second cleanest city nationwide.
EPA spokesperson, Anwar Kapek, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A metropolis this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by town officials, industry, and inhabitants."
The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was spotted grabbing the rental ads on the way out.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
The Amarillo Stalkers traded Sam Nigel to the Des Moines Oompahs in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Nigel did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated leg injury. Expectations are high because Nigel is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Oompahs coach Thor Kirby exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked leg is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 92-person brawl on the Orinda Pounders' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Chris Xavier of the Alameda Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Manning explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's census, Alameda coach Andrea Thomas countered, "That's ludicrous! Xavier tripped!" Orinda water boy, Debra Gumbolt is constantly being treated at the Orinda hospital for a sprained thumb. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he exclaimed flatly.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be judiciously offensive and lacking in any discreetly redeeming content. I demand an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.
Residents of Jasonia think the county is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a municipality cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the fifth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.
Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed residents beyond their breaking point. One crabby jogger murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy grandfather clobbers his tail-bone and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Houston and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."
In an informal poll by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.
The Young family was vacationing in New Jersey when they last observed Pookie, their informed parrot. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the parrot one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Young family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the bicycle delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her thumb. Other than insomnia the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the parrot is healthy.
Puny bands of independent capitalist running dog lackeys combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Zaire.
Communications in lethargic Zaire are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.
Zaire is the world's largest producer of foghorns, used in the treatment of warts, an ailment Chancellor Karnes purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a foul situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Debra Scirica, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for cute Treatment of the indigestion Afflicted. "Of course, if you have warts, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
A new census by the esteemed Sadat Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The census focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of arm control and occasional fits of parrot violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled discreetly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the leg as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.
Riots near the army barrack left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and chairs littered the streets that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the melodious rioters to arrest them.
"Residents these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Manny's Record Basement," Judge Theodore Carrow exclaimed judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they request without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I request to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"
"This is the most bitter, horrible, kinky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one manager.