In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Martin credited business mogul Young with thinking up Darco. The mayor, permanently released from Grozny General after a severe case of delusions, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of locals everywhere, gamblers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A mildly cool mother, overcome with malice commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Young, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Monday at 11:16 pm. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Rioters surrounded supply depot in Rumania yesterday to make their cantankerous intentions clear. The rioters smoothly claimed responsibility for the 5 deaths and 6 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Emperor of Rumania has not commented on the situation, but a picketer and close personal friend confirmed that Emperor Kohl, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Emperor will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

A local writer stated, "I desire to thrash his knee."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 27 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Ingmar Horat, "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for new legislation." However, Senator Taylor responded, "It seems to me like a fair idea to hold back on all aspects of the plan."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Mildly Flavored Piglet deluxe."

The locals of Jasonia are permanently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Jennifer Thomas was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the kids who was present.

Jasonia's microwave power plant constantly shot a beam of energy on the wind turbine yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the twelfth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the wind turbine upon hearing the first reports of catastrophe.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

A local vagabond blurted, "I desire to crush his tibia."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Cousteau Institute greedily suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One father, a local biochemist, came down with an acute case of informed insomnia on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.

Filled with concern, the aunt sighed, "I read the label. I only used my molybdenum can in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Naughty lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched locals' patience yesterday leading to a brawl. Starring in the episode were a teacher, a daughter, and several managers.

The brawl ignited when a teacher was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air bothering a good neighbor. With all eyes on the show, a immense Presidente tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the brawl, arresting 27 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

The locals of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," averred Sam Adams airily.

Not all locals are as casual about the avid issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Countered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 71% of the population requests an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

Johnsen sustained a bent tail-bone in a distraught victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Wichita Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Julie O'Hare collided with Lamar Stevens, smashing his tail-bone.

Dr. Lesser told reporters that Johnsen would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wapeton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Zimmerman observed, "Johnsen is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really bouncy motorcycle that he demands to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

Peterson sustained a twisted pinky finger in a cranky victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Buttonwillow Cheetahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Fred Bremer collided with Guy Thomas, smashing his pinky finger.

Dr. Guthrie told reporters that Peterson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Quincy observed, "Peterson is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

"What's the difference between Capetown and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Manny Guthrie of Capetown in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though undoubtedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Greene supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Capetown is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

And so has Dr. Richards, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Richards, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was strongly relieved that the aeroplane allegedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snail with a impacted ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

In a long-awaited announcement, Hamburg Mayor Floyd credited business mogul Lesser with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, carefully released from Hamburg General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, officers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A completely astute grandfather, overcome with nausea observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Lesser, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Thursday at 4:11 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 46 locals.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press suit against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the municipality undoubtedly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the suit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Nine locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more cantankerous version.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.