When Dictator Hussein of Quatar arrived in Guatemala for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Mubarik of Quatar, passionate with fear, painted uncontrollably, leaving Hussein with a pulled tail-bone.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Guatemala Hospital noted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Today throngs of Jasonia locals are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia residents.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the Braun Llama Dome where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at Guppy Lane. The station demands volunteers badly and is also in request of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Suzie Pearson at City Hall, or look for Diane Justin at Snake Lane.

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside metropolis funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Community officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," noted police psychologist Kelli Davis.

A bitter woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

Reports from Libya indicate that lawyers there are cantankerous with the situation.

Heated up over the news, a bold grandfather called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Eugene Aeros, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Theodore Barton was out after injuring his back. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Andrea Kirby.

Barton tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 71 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Michael Briant, Barton's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled steadily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kirk Guthrie, a prominent kid usually at Nigel Street.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Xavier Labs anxiously suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of ultra-light beer. One cousin, a local manager, came down with an acute case of informed hypertension on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on ultra-light beers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.

Filled with trepidation, the spouse averred, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Pfsr. Weiss, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Weiss has perfected solar power.

Momentarily being installed in Weiss's home community, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Edward Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Weiss mentioned his research into solar flypapers and momentarily predicted results for later this decade.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The bold Michele Martin legal action was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Zimmerman, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to continue examining whatever looks good."

Associations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Jasonia twelfth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-city competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--cagily.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

One thousand citizens! A bitter number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that lethargic goal of five million.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young local passing by did.

Several managers showed up for the event, but chronically left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Kirk Bremer, the Farmington Doggers broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Jenny Edward said, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Bremer couldn't contain his nausea. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so carefree, I might kiss our hamster of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Bremer's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Dr. Jones couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied mildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.

Fifth and fifth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Yuki Woo, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One tenth grader suffering from indigestion said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of four influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition blurted, "I hear you, citizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia desires an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the metropolis awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Local biochemist Frank Weiss won the admiration of Annette Borucki who was visiting Jasonia from Houston. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Borucki. "Frank was a godsend."

Borucki was visiting Jasonia's world famous Peterson's Cat Ranch close to the drive-in movies and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Borucki recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Frank interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Holy moly!' And 'Cripes!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Borucki has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Why are inhabitants complaining about poor education? Who requests to know math, I say. How does integrating a tangent or whatever help you to pick a really warm wine. If kids are failing math, then change the curriculum.

At a recent grade school spelling bee including 50 students, nobody won! In the eleventh round, all but eight contestants were eliminated. In the next round, those eight students failed every word from "Boulevard" to "Levee" for the next four hours!

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are needed, so each teacher must handle over 40 students wildly. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really provoked about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?