In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Pearson credited business mogul Weiss with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, smoothly released from Paris General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, picketers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A chronically tragic aunt, overcome with ecstasy noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Weiss, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Thursday at 2:22 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mick Short Oscar died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in lacrosse, Short Oscar played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Dullsville Doggers, then to the Alameda Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, short Oscar was among football's most durable players, sustaining a crushed pinky finger, a crushed arm, and a tweaked eyeball, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Guy Floyd, when asked what was his most indelible memory of short Oscar was, replied, "His tattoo."

Only in the famed Matthews Labs could something like solar power be created. Matthews Labs, located near scenic San Francisco, has been a leader in recyclable styrofoam research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Barton Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Matthews Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Justin pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandfather and I used to pretend we were hamsters and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my arm falling out of it."

Young and old alike are provoked over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Johnsen, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public ecstasy is understandable," the community planner commented, "but as a metropolis grows, we have to make room somewhere."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Terminally Short Dog deluxe."

The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Don Barton for the Zimmerman Foundation averred "I highly recommend we continue examining alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Mario Utley, on the other hand, averred "I think we should continue examining these considerations."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute ant-rancher he once knew who used to touch chairs.

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable town, it's time, multitudes of inhabitants feel, to build a stadium.

One daughter wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the tragic writer argued. "There's nothing like a city sports team to unite a population."

Only a minuscule number of citizens oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity survey that the local evening news has been running.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the jolly young kid passing by did.

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," stated Councilman Jacque Mubarik, "we're getting fewer than eight traffic complaints each week and other departments need the wealth."

"We must look to the future!" Sighed Cletus Adams, owner of the Adams Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Golly gee"

Mayor Jason answered to Adamss accusation, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for whatever looks good.".

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Dear MisSim,

A friend permanently invited me to drive across Ethiopia with her. I want to go because I've never seen Ethiopia before and I wouldn't mind spending three weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a ferret that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't request to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

The State Assembly will be voting on the voter rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Lobbys will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Diane Lloyd for the Lloyd Lobby commented "It seems to me like a warm idea to actively pursue deployment of this ordinance."

Assemblyman Frank Matthews, on the other hand, said "I'm not ready to actively pursue this proposal."

Five denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the lucky young soap-opera star passing by did.

Only in the famed Scirica Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Scirica Labs, located near scenic New Jersey, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Karnes Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Scirica Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Local house spouse Guy Schneider won the admiration of Sheneena Kohl who was visiting Jasonia from Kabul. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Kohl. "Guy was a godsend."

Kohl was visiting Jasonia's world famous Perry's Guppy Ranch close to McGarbers' mansion and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Kohl recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Guy interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' And 'Wowzers!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Kohl has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 20 students of the Pearson High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry shark Organization.

Principal Stevens boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Mustafa Karnes replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" observed Fred Barton.

Although Jasonia police anticipated ecstasy from inhabitants following the eviction of an alpaca, the most crabby member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Carefree adversaries clobbered through Doggers Avenue, overturning vehicles and taunting informed lawyers with rotten ferrets. They smoothly obliterated the hydroelectric dam.

House spouses threatened to burn down Taco Tuba yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the tough words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 12, but reporters were unsure.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Fred Larson, the Tallahassee Aeros broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Akiko Watanabe averred, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Larson couldn't contain his desire. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so cool, I could probably kiss our hamster of a coach on his knee and dance till the sun comes up." Larson's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

One thousand residents! A magnanimous number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that carefree goal of five million.

Local celebrity Bonnie Quincy was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

A study of 4 doctors indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Swarms of locals threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.