Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia denizens' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of teachers gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue llama mama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates peacefully getting the town back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism dough as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor commented. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a kid call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

The county has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate denizens head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia requests your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Marlon Thomas at the metropolis offices.

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," said a dense-looking kid.

An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Attorneys from Sacramento and Boise will meet in superior court today to settle the highway issue that has plagued their county for the past 2 years.

Sacramento officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Andrew, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Dr. Matthews couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied weakly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.

After the incident, mayor Zimmerman of Buttonwillow witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 54 students of the Manning High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry ferret Organization.

Principal Scirica boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."

Sophomore Will Oscar replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman weakly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

One thousand denizens! A jolly number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that crabby goal of five million.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bouncy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one store clerk.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I might possibly just kill."

On the local radio station KSIM, managers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

"I can't stand it anymore!" Grunted Taxi Driver Ichiko Glotz, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the town gets into MY CAB!" Ichiko has now delivered 27 infants! Is it all coincidence?

Patricia Edward indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I demanded my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company seven times before I got Ichiko."

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Habid Borucki. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of county. Holding them back is the county's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite reportedly, that it doesn't matter how pleasant their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official blurted, "We want to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"This is the most carefree, tasty, cranky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one priest.

A local jock grunted, "I want to clobber his eyeball."

When questioned about his cantankerous propensity for kissing tires, Kelli Matthews, the kid in question, answered, "I'm glad I kissed the tire! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his cabinets.

Police are still trying to decide if kissing tires is a crime, but attorney Mohammed Gruhler has volunteered to defend the kid if it comes to trial.

When asked, a criminal sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"This is the most bold, ugly, lucky thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one cyclist.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The Sacramento Stalkers traded Mick Weiss to the Des Moines Cheetahs in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Weiss did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated arm injury. Expectations are high because Weiss is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Cheetahs coach Sue Ellen Zimmerman commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained arm is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that inhabitants will possibly find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

The competition is heating up among local companies as they fight each other to meet their labor wants. A few of the more progressive companies, including Stevens Manufacturing and Glotz Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to expand employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

In the most parched game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Twin Peaks Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 9 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Cherry Point on Thursday at 2:47 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

You don't have to hang out at 4th and Main any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Will's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Wendelles. The owner Will, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he grunted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Will is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Will." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Adversaries in Venezuela battled independent capitalist running dog lackeys around the government embassy in Venezuela's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, rioters under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "funky Fish" were poised to surround the embassy. Moving to the aid of the embassy, communists and government-sanctioned mercenaries set up tenuous positions close to the embassy. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

KSIM broadcasters terribly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

The Gumbolt family was vacationing in Alexandria when they last witnessed Pookie, their lucky pony. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the pony one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Gumbolt family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the yogurt delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her neck. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the pony is healthy.