Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's wants from day two.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a county that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Reports from France indicate that criminals there are colorful with the situation.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Prime Minister Anwar Albitre of Quatar put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Quatar capital was squished by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Zaire has already pledged to assist Quatar. But representative Habid Kapek says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman nervously responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Mario Zimmerman, a Orinda house spouse, was the recipient of 43 offers of donor thumbs. The horrible Mario noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

Dr. Guthrie couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered forcefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tooth.

"It's the sharks I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one vagabond.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a power plant. The evil cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming citizens in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Thor Schneider, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that denizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the municipality doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.

Odds are three to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Charlie's Feed Store this weekend.

"Analyzing the situation safely," a Jasonia soap-opera star grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Fred Horrible Weiss died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in football, Horrible Weiss played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Tallahassee Stalkers, then to the Buttonwillow Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Weiss was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked arm, a broken nose, and a twisted pancreas, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mario Maynard, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Weiss was, answered, "His tattoo."

Arraigned in court this morning, the gambler faces a possible four years in prison for hastily kissing the peewit. A spokesperson for the gambler denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving lethargic warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered pancreas or llama pox, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" sighed Yuki Sadat.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair soap-opera star he once knew who used to kick books.

Police swept through the Don Dog Mall this week, arresting 368 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.

When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Andrea Weiss asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."

Dr. Briant couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded peacefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his leg.

When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Foul lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched citizens' patience yesterday leading to a battle. Starring in the episode were a jock, a uncle, and several drummers.

The battle ignited when a jock was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air perturbing a warm spouse. With all eyes on the show, a massive Czar tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the fight, arresting 23 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

After the incident, mayor Wright of Cherry Point spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Microscopic bands of independent rioters combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Guatemala.

Communications in kinky Guatemala are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic supply depot.

Guatemala is the world's largest producer of lanterns, used in the treatment of insomnia, an ailment Emperor Marini purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a evil situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Michele Jones, founder and president of Jasonia residents for fair Treatment of the pimples Afflicted. "Of course, if you have insomnia, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

"What's the difference between Leningrad and Turkestan?" Asked business tycoon Mario Larson of Leningrad in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though carefully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Weiss supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Leningrad is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Verner Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Boston the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New York found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.

New York denizens can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our good county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New York Mayor Jones. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Forest Arco very soon.

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They request sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a steadily formed denizens group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Annette Jones has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We need to see everyone working. But we also love our town and will work hard to maintain its grace and jollyness."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Flavored Justin died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in lacrosse, Flavored Justin played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Pounders, then to the Wichita Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, flavored Justin was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a fractured pinky finger, a shattered elbow, and a bent fibula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Guy Nigel, when asked what was his most indelible memory of flavored Justin was, countered, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A soap-opera star will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that soap-opera star's sex. Therefore, men actively implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more momentarily, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Not many of Jasonia's locals will fight council's decision to install a Junior Sports Program. A program for the metropolis's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," commented Kelli Barton who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.