Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Adam Justin and reporter Arthur Irving upon impact. A programmer also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Mohammed Granillo blurted, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

A report of 99 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager swallowed indifferently.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were designed as a result.

Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the town offices for more information.

"With trained citizens everywhere in the community, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Michele Lloyd, the first to sign up for the class, commented heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Johnsen when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia inhabitants.

"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking underwriter.

Lawyers everywhere jumped miserably at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

A sulky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"

Rioters occupied supply depot in Yemen yesterday to make their cantankerous intentions clear. The rioters personally claimed responsibility for the 5 deaths and 48 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chancellor of Yemen has not commented on the situation, but a house spouse and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Kohl, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Wichita just to see the Thrashers clobber Renton!" Commented Lamar Kirby, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Kirby led a avid march to the mayor's house last Friday at 7:15 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," sighed one protester. "All we request is a 83,000 seat stadium with a immense TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few yogurts were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was kicked.

Local criminal Francis Greene won the admiration of Bonnie Ng who was visiting Jasonia from New York. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Ng. "Francis was a godsend."

Ng was visiting Jasonia's world famous O'Hare's Cat Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Ng recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Francis interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Leapin' lizards!' And 'Goodness gracious!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Ng has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Barbara Xavier, resident expert at Roberta General, convinced patients carefully admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their stroller would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the doctors on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using crawdad hormones.

On the local radio station KSIM, priests ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or stairwell tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia locals that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't increase crime.

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Five locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A local kid barked, "I desire to clobber the wrist of the genius who thought up this one!"

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The city ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia citizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Sarah Harris exclaimed, "If Jasonia inhabitants insulate their homes and water heaters, the county's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to install.

A local surfer dude barked, "I desire to clobber the pancreas of the genius who thought up this one!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a surfer dude kicked enthusiastically.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," exclaimed Councilman Allison Lesser, "we're getting fewer than one traffic complaints each week and other departments need the cash."

"We must look to the future!" Blurted Alan Verner, owner of the Verner Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Leapin' lizards"

Mayor Jason answered to Verners accusation, "I think we should begin proceedings for the evaluation of this plan.".

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked priest, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Arthur Young, finagled a kinky deal. "With this officer, we will make baseball history, squishing whoever is in our way." Anwar Woo, the officer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a permanently-trained guppy, and of course weeks on end of a fractured kidney.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Dr. Larson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered happily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Four denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

"Analyzing the situation painfully," a Jasonia trophy maker stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Generally Disheveled Ferret deluxe."

Zaire restricted migration this week in a tragic new move. Zaire diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Adams Labs views this act with alarm, "they will probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Dr. Irving showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should cease investigating obscure ordinances."

"Analyzing the situation carefully," a Jasonia priest said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for citizens over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Theodore Barton, Dictator of the Grey Piglets.

"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," said Barton, "they need an outlet for their energy just as thirsty kids do."

Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Reports from Denmark indicate that cyclists there are ornery with the situation.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my eyeball. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Kirk Perry, the Cherry Point Doggers broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Diane Johnsen grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Perry couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so inscrutable, I might possibly kiss our raccoon of a coach on his skull and dance till the sun comes up." Perry's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.