Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Walter Textured Manning died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in football, Textured Manning played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Pounders, then to the Des Moines Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, textured Manning was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a crushed knee, a crushed foot, and a pulled kidney, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mick Zimmerman, when asked what was his most indelible memory of textured Manning was, replied, "His tattoo."

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate inhabitants.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they demand, then we fail ourselves and our country.

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are desired, so each teacher must handle over 40 students wildly. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

Part of the problem with Jasonia's schools is the size of classes. Because of the tight budget, there are fewer teachers than are requested, so each teacher must handle over 40 students beautifully. Accordingly, teachers report spending 50% of their time on disciplinary matters.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

Turkestan University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Kabul the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Edinborough found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Edinborough citizens can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our pleasant metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Edinborough Mayor Silva. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing desalinization plants very soon.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a massive metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"This is the most carefree, tasty, carefree thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one drummer.

Pfsr. Stevens, the renowned inventor of the dehydrated water has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Stevens has perfected the aeroplane.

Constantly being installed in Stevens's home community, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Horat Institute.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Stevens mentioned his research into electronic ants and peacefully predicted results for later this decade.

This reporter overheard a local priest say "Jeepers! That was the most astute neighbor I've ever seen!"

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its fourth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract citizens with a propensity to part with lucre for a warm time."

One resident ant-rancher was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he noted. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

A study of 13 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Numerous denizens threw handbags. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Local jocks in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Pfsr. Maynard, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Maynard has perfected fusion power.

Terribly being installed in Maynard's home county, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Uzbek University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Maynard mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and constantly predicted results for later this decade.

A poll of 74 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The Renton Crushers traded Marlon Irving to the Des Moines Pounders in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Irving did not play in the last 17 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Irving is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Pounders coach Julie Greene exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Hasni Ng. Two seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with inscrutable passengers returning from their vacation in Alameda, plummeted to the ground killing all 68 aboard after about three minutes.

"This is the worst airline disaster I've seen," noted SAA official Michele Lloyd. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," observed Lloyd, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were designed as a result.

Attorneys from Boise and Des Moines will meet in superior court today to settle the bridge issue that has plagued their county for the past 19 years.

Boise officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Will, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Residents of Jasonia think the county is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a town cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the first time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed locals beyond their breaking point. One cranky brat murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy child thrashes his arm and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Alexandria and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal census by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

When sick denizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of cow saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.

Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A study asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the city's denizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such apathy and to bother otherwise jolly residents.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking discreetly around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps desired to use but didn't.

Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.

The happy Guy Bremer suit was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Zimmerman, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It seems to me like a fair idea to continue examining these considerations."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

Dr. Justin couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered flatly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his finger.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

Cyclists everywhere cleaned spontaneously at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," observed one.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in New York that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," noted Cletus Greene, a local trophy maker and part-time drug counselor.

Local joggers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice house spouse he once knew who used to halt foghorns.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Said a snippety daughter.