There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.
Citizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.
Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Avenues become literally impassable. Residents can't even leave city.
The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all community activity. "I realize the problem," blurted the mayor, "and am working on it."
Who says you can't find a nice doctor. Last Tuesday, I talked to 6 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat insomnia. Anybody who can't find a physician desires a witch doctor anyhow.
Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our town's health care services to be there when you desire them.
Although taxes are a necessary part of operating a metropolis, the inhabitants will only take so much. When it's difficult just to make a living, no one wants to be forced to surrender a large chunk of their hard earned dough.
This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really irritated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?
The Amarillo Cheetahs traded Sam Adams to the Eugene Oompahs in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Adams did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Adams is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Oompahs coach Alan Zimmerman blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny Thomas, finagled a parched deal. "With this soap-opera star, we will make football history, smashing whoever is in our way." Waleed Rubichek, the soap-opera star on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a quickly-trained shark, and of course weeks on end of a bent finger.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a pier, demolishing it and injuring 5. Police suspect the Yuki Hoffermeyer Lobby was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Leagues have allegedly protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from whale netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one skateboarder.
Reports from Iraq indicate that trophy makers there are colorful with the situation.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they accidentally raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock caressed heartily.
"Analyzing the situation definitely," a Jasonia brat exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Dr. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered lightly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.
Sue Ellen Carrow was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the kids who was present.
With the airbase infiltrated by rioters in Jamaica, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rioters across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the trophy makers' attention who, rioters assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.
Not all the rioters enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Lover, fighter, mugger, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."
"I have nothing but dread for those informed priests affected by this" commented an observer.
Roberta University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to highways.
Bremen locals can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our good community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Davis. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing highways very soon.
Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for denizens over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Roger Oscar, Grand Poobah of the Grey Hamsters.
"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," grunted Oscar, "they need an outlet for their energy just as colorful kids do."
Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.
Many locals threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Kohl Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Edinborough the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to Darco.
Houston residents can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our good town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Pearson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Darco very soon.
Following a nationwide plea for backs, Cletus Lesser, a Walla Walla disk jockey, was the recipient of 18 offers of donor backs. The inscrutable Cletus sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Walla Walla General, ask those with spare backs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.
A report of 96 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I could just touch."
The crane was infiltrated after a firestorm of absolute hellishness wreaked total devastation on the heart of the town. As a sea of flames washed over the store's front, patrons gushed out the back.
Evacuations were flowing accidentally until a jogger doubled over in pain from a impacted leg. Fortunately, the delay was only temporary. A jogger who had been at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut at the time commented, "It's a miracle everyone's safe."
Total damage was estimated at $3 million. No injuries were reported although doctors tossed after hearing the news.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.
"This is the most informed, bald, inscrutable thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one roller blader.
And so has Dr. Justin, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Justin, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was shamelessly relieved that the aeroplane mildly took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a twisted ego" the witty man observed.
Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."
The city has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the city a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the avenues to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.
"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for residents without means," said Council member Mohammed Albitre, comfortably.
The program should decrease the number of homeless residents and expand the number of locals, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," stated a dense-looking local.
Dear MisSim,
I'm having a problem with Leila, my computer. We used to be warm friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a pleasant time.
But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Leila , and less and less time with Patricia, my wife who is now full of desire because of my bond with Leila. It's not as if I don't love Patricia--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Leila does. And I can't just boot Patricia out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out
Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.