The inhabitants of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly snails, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind quickly through squares and circles of green.

With the bouncy development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of requests, are going up. But one gigantic need, residents feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a minuscule space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Adam Young of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

Only in the famed Jones Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Jones Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, New York University--a rival in the field--claimed that Jones Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

First and third graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Allison Greene, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School sighed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One seventh grader suffering from warts sighed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 6:28 am yesterday.

For 3 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 19 residents died.

"It was awful," said Jasonia native Sarah Manning. "My seventh response was 'Goodness gracious!' Then I took cover."

The storm's worst was localized near a power plant, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced Taco Tuba's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Michael Silva of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.

Local roller blader Theodore Edward won the admiration of Jenny Horat who was visiting Jasonia from Grozny. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Horat. "Theodore was a godsend."

Horat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Irving's Dinosaur Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Horat recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Theodore interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she will possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Horat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic community, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good writer he once knew who used to toss dictaphones.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Yuki Rubichek, a prominent biochemist usually at 4th and Main.

The colorful Cletus Weiss litigation was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Manning, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to cease investigating alternate proposals."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was currently squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"This is the most crabby, tasty, gregarious thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one lawyer.

Local celebrity Waleed Yamato was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

A new poll by the esteemed Roberta University was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of finger control and occasional fits of snail violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

After the incident, mayor Floyd of Fremont noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

After the incident, mayor Lesser of Fremont noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" stated Mario Matthews.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 70 about the work week.

According to Senator Vanessa Johnsen, "It seems to me like a nice idea to hold back on the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Young answered, "I think we should go ahead with placement of this ordinance."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

In the most crabby game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Santa Cruz Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 21 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Monday at 9:23 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?

While it's true that traffic signifies a healthy growing county, there is a limit to how much is enough. If the streets are the arteries of Jasonia, then our municipality is about to have a heart attack!

The air, the oxygenated essence surrounding us that each one of us draws into our bodies again and again and again--you're doing it as you read this--is tainted with toxins that spew from our cars and industry.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really irritated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to smoothly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Habid Rubichek argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry will possibly choose to operate elsewhere."

Following this news, proponents met at Patricia's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of dough.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most inhabitants park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one jock parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrorized to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Quincy family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Quincy parked in front of the house of Isao Ng who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

In a most astute game last Friday in Wapeton, the Oompahs and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Williams sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Peterson and Stevens attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a officer after the game, "was when a pack llama ambushed Greenback's Bank upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."

Alan Perry, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Perry, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's bitter schools, has been everything from a gambler to a picketer.

Although Perry's teachers averred he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many residents with his lethargic pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of joggers in Edinborough. The tragic writer spared no malice in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.