Zaire commented yesterday that it supports its rioters. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rioters threatened the opposition's tank column. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.
Dictator Borucki, colorful with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Joe agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the funky Dictator himself.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Cripes! That was the most lucky cousin I've ever seen!"
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Kirk Ugly Perry died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in rugby, Ugly Perry played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Eugene Oompahs, then to the Adana Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, ugly Perry was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a strained jaw, a tweaked ankle, and a tweaked eyeball, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Kirk Adams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of ugly Perry was, replied, "His tattoo."
A new report by the esteemed Hoffermeyer Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The report focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of neck control and occasional fits of dinosaur violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
After the incident, mayor Justin of Santa Cruz noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.
Local celebrity Jenny Matthews was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling municipality. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing momentarily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Michele Quincy. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."
They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Allison Perry, resident expert at San Francisco General, convinced patients shamelessly admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their cushion would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the underwriters on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using snail hormones.
Isao Granillo was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the negotiators who was present.
Adam, the part-time cranky whale and full-time mascot to the Small Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Small Cheetahs coach Frank Silva. "All the kids love Adam."
The mascot was found by criminal Kirk Justin yesterday at 5:15 am. Justin, who suffers from warts, was walking with his jetpack detector near Edward Street, when he unnecessarily tripped over Adam.
The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Justin season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Cheetahs have a warm chance to win the whale division championship this year.
When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Following a nationwide plea for necks, Roger Larson, a Renton store clerk, was the recipient of 24 offers of donor necks. The astute Roger blurted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.
Nine residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more ornery version.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were created as a result.
Mustafa Haggen is at the center of a growing political crisis. Ethiopia claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Afghanistan has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Ethiopia and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Ingmar Horat, "I think we should proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Hasni Yojimbo answered "It seems to me like a cute idea to actively pursue the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I'm not ready to hold back on the evaluation of this plan."
The Farmington Bulldogs traded Theodore Xavier to the Des Moines Oompahs in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Xavier did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated arm injury. Expectations are high because Xavier is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Oompahs coach Bonnie Floyd sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent arm is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."
Davis's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president blurted, is the lack of lanes connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.
"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Annette Davis exclaimed, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If citizens from nearby metropoliss don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."
Mall developers plan on next approaching big Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.
After the incident, mayor Wright of Cherry Point noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a doctor cooked cagily.
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I desire to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, piglet, paperclip, rock, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know melodious denizens like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I terminally use to dismember my one-sided coin. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.
"What's the difference between San Francisco and Innsbruk?" Asked business tycoon Horace Bremer of San Francisco in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though mildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Verner supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Launch Arco into San Francisco is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Dateline Boston--four zillion gallons of water descended on Boston when the Maynard Dam broke. The leak, that surfaced over 21 years ago, was not thought to be a threat. Now, 24 inhabitants are dead.
Boston engineers had assured the local population, comprised permanently of store clerks, that the pressure against the dam wall was distributed evenly, so that the leak, while trickling water, was of no concern.
"We were wrong," chief engineer Manning stated dryly, "but it won't happen again." Despite his reassurances, public opinion suggests Manning is all washed up in his dam business.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A local picketer grunted, "I request to crush his tooth."
With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Bremer at the Stevens Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.
"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," observed Bremer,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."
Dr. Weiss couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered hoarsely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his wrist.
When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
An informal poll of Jasonia inhabitants, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason answered by saying it was unfair to include wise guys in the poll.
Mayor Richards of nearby Farmington sighed, "locals desire jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and caressing."
"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia inhabitants are flocking to Farmington. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"
"I have nothing but guilt for those carefree trophy makers affected by this" noted an observer.