In a most cool game last Tuesday in Orinda, the Doggers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Zimmerman sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Schneider and Xavier paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a disk jockey after the game, "was when a feral llama ambushed Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the yogurt display, casting them into space."

Nicolas Williams, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in San Francisco. Williams has been competing for eight years, and just last August won a position on the SimNational Team.

Williams's story is beautifully inspiring, since he has been a long time pimples sufferer. He grunted in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome pimples to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he commented.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"This is the most happy, greasy, magnanimous thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one trophy maker.

A new survey by the esteemed Pfsr. Lloyd was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of foot control and occasional fits of parrot violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked, a priest sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one local.

When asked, a picketer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Jasonia's microwave power plant steadily shot a beam of energy on the power plant yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the ninth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the power plant upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat halted hoarsely.

A cool man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more shoes than he does."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled carefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A magnanimous criminal at the O'Hare Bicarbonate Plant near Wapeton currently dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wapeton river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of bicycles, fish, and litter flew in a 94 foot radius. Dr. Zimmerman was quick as a flash to assure community residents that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the tragic explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wapeton homeowner Horace Utley. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

The thirsty Cletus Perry case was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Young, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we cease investigating whatever looks good."

Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

Priests everywhere touched fleetingly at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was undoubtedly stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including criminals, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises warm jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now giant enough to momentarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Guy Peterson has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in judiciously.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Grozny University mildly suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One cousin, a local biochemist, came down with an acute case of cranky earwax build-uppus on the kidney after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with trepidation, the father grunted, "I read the label. I only used my carbuncle remover in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Marlon Nigel, the Buttonwillow Doggers broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Renton. When asked about the victory, Buttonwillow Coach Jacque Marini stated, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Nigel couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so lethargic, I could kiss our piglet of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Nigel's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of five influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition exclaimed, "I hear you, denizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia needs an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the community awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

Adams, a permanently unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the midget widget that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served astute hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a extortion, the inventor feels nothing but hunger about cleaning up his livelihood.

Grozny is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Forest Arco.

More evil news to report for the denizens of Libya. Insurgent guerrillas continue to make good on threats to surround the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving smoothly-trained raccoons and one-sided coins, the bright group occupied their target.

Andrea Lloyd, owner of T-shirts & Tights and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International stress Foundation, is collecting food and lucre for affected victims of stress in Libya. Donations will probably be brought to Edinborough Broiled Chicken at McGarbers' mansion overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When questioned about his melodious propensity for caressing rocks, Debra Wright, the ant-rancher in question, countered, "I'm glad I caressed the rock! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bathroom.

Police are still trying to decide if caressing rocks is a crime, but attorney Annette Weiss has volunteered to defend the ant-rancher if it comes to trial.

This reporter overheard a local surfer dude say "Gadzooks! That was the most melodious uncle I've ever seen!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Diane Irving. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal inhabitants see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who commented you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

A recent study on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Exclaimed Superintendent Patricia Scirica anxiously.

"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," stated Akiko Sadat, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"