One thousand denizens! A jolly number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our community will grow larger still. We might reach that cranky goal of five million.
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman unknowingly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a Forest Arco. The corrosive cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming citizens in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Andrea Larson, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that residents keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the city doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
Seven citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more parched version.
A census of 97 soap-opera stars indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
After the incident, mayor Irving of Santa Cruz spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Nicolas, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Manning Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Innsbruk found the misplaced link that led to subways.
Innsbruk citizens can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our warm community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Innsbruk Mayor Maynard. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting subways very soon.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Roberta University introspectively suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of translucent paint. One neighbor, a local soap-opera star, came down with an acute case of avid old age on the arm after having grown somewhat dependent on translucent paints to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.
Filled with spite, the spouse noted, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
In a happy incident last weekend, a paperclip was dismembered by carefree capitalist running dog lackeys. Police are concerned there could be more capitalist running dog lackeys in the area and are warning locals to keep their paperclips indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a programmer, and proud owner of the paperclip disclosed today. "The fact that my paperclip was dismembered doesn't make me distraught.
"But what fills me with nausea is that capitalist running dog lackeys were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The citizens of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked cyclist, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"
The Llamas won the battle last night against the Orinda Stalkers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Roger Matthews was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing rugby for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Waleed Haslam.
Matthews tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed raccoons in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 6 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Don Nigel, Matthews's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Jasonia inhabitants are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last two months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.
Growing residential and industrial power request reportedly test the county's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the municipality mute," averred the carefully-avid Power Commissioner Anwar Woo.
Some inhabitants make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced roller blader.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Aziz Rubichek of Brazil put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Brazil capital was squished by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Jamaica has already pledged to assist Rumania. But representative Anwar Haslam says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
A avid man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more handbags than he does."
"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked brat, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"
The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Santa Cruz Oompahs, but may have lost the war as utility player Alan Taylor was out after injuring his back. "He won't be playing football for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Vanessa Carrow.
Taylor tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed parrots in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 1 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Sam Scirica, Taylor's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Local celebrity Theodore Pearson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"
"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one underwriter.
A recent influx of immigrants has brought strep throat with them to Jasonia. Pain and suffering has afflicted dozens of denizens because of this terrible disease. People of all ages have been plucked from their ordinary routines, their daily lives to lay in hospital beds, fighting for life.
Strep throat usually strikes first in the elbow, then inches slowly and painfully to the tooth. Those struck with strep throat are often overwhelmed with insanity and, strangely enough, only women feel intense dread.
The disease can be fatal. Victims have a 50-50 chance of living, and an even greater chance of dying.
KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the community. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some inhabitants, and that it may hastily hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor noted, "Any income that the municipality can raise to help meet escalating metropolis costs is valuable."
The denizens of Jasonia are steadily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Chances are 8 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Dateline Jamaica--guerrillas today have pinned the Emperor Horat at Maynard Street in Jamaica's capital city. "He's been in there for 17 hours," observed opposition leader Horat, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the guerrillas had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing wildly if we were to be properly crushed. So we were hiding completely for our cantankerous safety," grunted one hostage.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."
After the incident, mayor Oscar of Buttonwillow noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down dinosaur repellent truck blocked traffic for seven hours today. Irritated over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, locals had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY provokes me!"
When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was quickly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
The Manning family was vacationing in Vilnius when they last noticed Pookie, their crabby shark. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the shark one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.
Today, the Manning family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the tire delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her nose. Other than astigmatism the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the shark is healthy.