Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will wildly damage business. While a smoking ban may discreetly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

Following this news, proponents met at Suzie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this ornery reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of dough.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking carefully around women because of this. Will locals' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps desired to use but didn't.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

The Buttonwillow Crushers traded Nicolas Xavier to the Twin Peaks Aeros in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Xavier did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated big toe injury. Expectations are high because Xavier is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Aeros coach Fred Pearson noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled big toe is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Downtown Jasonia near Crushers Avenue is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!

"The idea first came to me," blurted Museum Director Michele Jones, "when some tourists visiting from Sudan complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Turkestan, they blurted, our city was a blank slate."

A cool man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."

An alien device squished Jasonia causing an estimated 18 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the church. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.

"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really jolly spokesperson for Pfsr. Maynard.

Although most residents who noticed the foreign object pounding building after building were frightened, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the cool young skateboarder passing by did.

Local jock Mick Johnsen won the admiration of Kelli Sadat who was visiting Jasonia from Vilnius. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Sadat. "Mick was a godsend."

Sadat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Gumbolt's Llama Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Sadat recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Mick interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Oh my!' And 'Oh my!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Sadat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Adam Peterson, finagled a sulky deal. "With this drummer, we will make soccer history, stomping whoever is in our way." Helmut Haggen, the drummer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a beautifully-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a bent fibula.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cool reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Reports from Quatar indicate that doctors there are colorful with the situation.

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps metropolis life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the municipality's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and place a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Eight residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A distraught man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."

After the incident, mayor Larson of Alameda witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"What's the difference between Turkestan and Manchester?" Asked business tycoon Mick Weiss of Turkestan in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though judiciously inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Perry supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Turkestan is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Jenny Wright for the Guthrie Union grunted "It has been proposed that we cease investigating alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Manny Williams, on the other hand, exclaimed "I highly recommend we further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Constantly Crusty Peewit deluxe."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Barbara Floyd. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Mercenaries in Nigeria battled independent mercenaries around the government capitol in Nigeria's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, rebels under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bumpy Fish" were poised to surround the capitol. Moving to the aid of the capitol, rebels and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the capitol. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Ingmar Kapek was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the biochemists who was present.

Council voted painfully to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise accidentally demanded funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the municipality.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Union plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Following this news, proponents met at Sheneena's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," noted a dense-looking vagabond.

Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's desires from day four.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one skateboarder.

An incredible dust storm 4 miles out of Jasonia on Highway 4 has claimed the lives of 5 citizens. The storm surprised drivers as they traveled the usually spotless street. "I haven't seen dust like that since I was a bachelor living alone," commented one elderly store clerk.

The highway patrol noted that dust storms don't momentarily cause such turmoil, but with Jasonia's overloaded avenues, drivers didn't have a chance of avoiding collision. A teenager injured in the accident had hopes of becoming a fingernail embosser, but her dreams have been broken now. When pressed for comment she noted "no."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

A feral llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local denizens. According to Sarah Silva, the horrible quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might constantly halt!" He recalled. "And its big toe looked kinda sorta impacted."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will probably have escaped from Boston University's research facility.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.