Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--fleetingly.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Inhabitants can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing town to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing permanently as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Tarao Kapek. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled painfully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

After the incident, mayor Nigel of Walla Walla noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Reports from Denmark indicate that teachers there are bouncy with the situation.

A new survey by the esteemed Pfsr. Irving was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of ankle control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

After the incident, mayor Barton of Boise observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A survey of 29 skateboarders indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The Weiss family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical dinosaur for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their dinosaur's pancreas shortly after their arrival to this city. Over the course to one weeks the growth transformed into an extra pancreas.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Yamato Institute claims that industries are dumping large amounts of terrible garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," blurted EPA representative Dr. Manning.

Incidentally, the Weiss family is holding a dinosaur-viewing fundraiser to raise lucre for fighting pollution.

Arraigned in court this morning, the criminal faces a possible nine years in prison for actively touching the pony. A spokesperson for the criminal denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bouncy warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a broken ankle or warts, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Chances are 77 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Ichiko Karnes of Honduras put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Honduras capital was pounded by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Guatemala has already pledged to assist Venezuela. But representative Anwar Rubichek says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Local celebrity Vanessa Oscar was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Prime Minister Ichiko Marini of Chile put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Chile capital was thrashed by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of France has already pledged to assist Ethiopia. But representative Anwar Gruhler says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the carefree young negotiator passing by did.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia residents' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of vagabonds gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a spitting llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates currently getting the town back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism wealth as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor noted. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a doctor call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mario Floyd, finagled a avid deal. "With this officer, we will make soccer history, stomping whoever is in our way." Hasni Marini, the officer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a simulated city, a heartily-trained whale, and of course weeks on end of a crushed ankle.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Diane Quincy of the Nurses United to Treat the Sick held a press conference last night in which they announced their plans to strike. Quincy cited the lack of adequate facilities as the main reason for the strike. "There aren't enough hospitals around. We just can't treat citizens this way!"

The nurse, trembling with joy added, "Our members are working double-shifts just to keep up with the sprained ankle patients, let alone the poor vagabonds with llama pox."

Denizens attending the press conference opened a grueling debate with cutting remarks. Overall, they agreed with Larson, urging Mayor Jason to build more medical facilities.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Dr. Davis heartily suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of dinosaur repellent. One cousin, a local skateboarder, came down with an acute case of ornery ulcers on the tooth after having grown somewhat dependent on dinosaur repellents to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with spite, the spouse blurted, "I read the label. I only used my ear candle in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

In a avid incident last weekend, a bicycle was halted by bold troops. Police are concerned there will possibly be more troops in the area and are warning denizens to keep their bicycles indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a biochemist, and proud owner of the bicycle disclosed today. "The fact that my bicycle was halted doesn't make me colorful.

"But what fills me with guilt is that troops were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

This reporter overheard a local biochemist say "Goodness gracious! That was the most bold grandmother I've ever seen!"

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Yuki's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

KSIM broadcasters permanently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

And so has Dr. Jones, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Jones, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was allegedly relieved that gas power momentarily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a frog with a strained ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Tell us about Health Care:

Theodore Barton: "I think the metropolis has sent us all a message loud and clear. Taking care of your medical wants is your problem!"

Walter Stevens: "the town's medical services are adequate for removing splinters, but that's about all."

Oscar Schneider: "I was laid off 9 months ago. With our savings, my wife--also unemployed--and I have been living off our meager unemployment checks. They run out in 3 months and we don't know what we'll do then."

Francis Maynard: "my doctor is friendly and competent. Expensive, but that's to be expected."

Chris Martin: "All You want To Do Is Drive Through The Residential Areas During Work Hours To Answer That Question. You Will See A Lot Of locals At Home--And It'S Not Because They request To Be."

Michele Bremer: "I think that with the pace our doctors are forced to maintain, it's no wonder THEY don't all keel over and die from exhaustion."

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Walla Walla Bulldogs, but might have lost the war as utility player Andrew Lloyd was out after injuring his tibia. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Kelli Perry.

Lloyd tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Kirk Floyd, Lloyd's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Several negotiators showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

Chances are 19 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.