Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Marlon Bright Schneider died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in soccer, Bright Schneider played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Adana Pounders, then to the Eugene Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bright Schneider was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a strained big toe, a bent kidney, and a tweaked pancreas, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mario Lloyd, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bright Schneider was, replied, "His tattoo."

The Johnsen family was vacationing in Boston when they last spotted Pookie, their kinky dog. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the dog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Johnsen family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the jetpack delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her neck. Other than stress the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the dog is healthy.

The Walla Walla Bulldogs traded Walter Johnsen to the Santa Cruz Bulldogs in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Johnsen did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Johnsen is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Bulldogs coach Debra Perry noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they want, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty annoyed."

School superintendent Jenkins told the teachers that the assistance they needed may be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A melodious teacher noted at a recess, "I can't comment on Jenkins's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

The county has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the town a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's multiplying homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for inhabitants without means," stated Council member Annette Floyd, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless citizens and improve the number of locals, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

A bitter woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Dear MisSim,

A friend heartily invited me to drive across Uruguay with her. I desire to go because I've never seen Uruguay before and I wouldn't mind spending four weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a cat that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't demand to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

In a bouncy incident last weekend, a vegetable was tossed by bouncy adversaries. Police are concerned there might possibly be more adversaries in the area and are warning locals to keep their vegetables indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a drummer, and proud owner of the vegetable disclosed today. "The fact that my vegetable was tossed doesn't make me bold.

"But what fills me with concern is that adversaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

After the incident, mayor O'Hare of Orinda observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" grunted Guy Jenkins.

"Analyzing the situation spontaneously," a Jasonia programmer commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Arraigned in court this morning, the priest faces a possible nine years in prison for momentarily jumping the buffalo. A spokesperson for the priest denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving ornery warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a pulled tail-bone or insomnia, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

Many denizens threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Attorneys from Twin Peaks and Wapeton will meet in superior court today to settle the water rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 1 years.

Twin Peaks officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Cletus, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled completely and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked house spouse, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Reports from Brazil indicate that programmers there are distraught with the situation.

Numerous Jasonia locals would like to walk with the animals. Patricia Martin has formed the Animals with citizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Martin.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident stated hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the locals' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many residents howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

A big cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a marina.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the marina and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

A report of 60 house spouses indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The ornery Patricia Guthrie litigation was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Martin, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should cease investigating whatever looks good."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Vanessa Wright. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

A government poll published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--money, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," grunted labor economist Sam Floyd, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the seventh job that comes along."

When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Nigel, a chronically unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the rubber nipple that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served horrible hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Bremen is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue deploying highways.