In a long-awaited announcement, Grozny Mayor Perry credited business mogul Bremer with thinking up highways. The mayor, unexpectedly released from Grozny General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of citizens everywhere, locals in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A slowly cool father, overcome with guilt sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Bremer, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Sunday at 6:27 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The Tallahassee Crushers traded Walter Bremer to the Adana Thrashers in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Bremer did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated skull injury. Expectations are high because Bremer is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Thrashers coach Bonnie Xavier commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked skull is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking airily around women because of this. Will inhabitants' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

Fascits in Denmark battled independent guerrillas around the government enemy base in Denmark's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "tasty Llama" were poised to ambush the enemy base. Moving to the aid of the enemy base, mercenaries and government-sanctioned capitalist running dog lackeys set up tenuous positions close to the enemy base. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of avenues in the area.

Aziz Ng was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the gamblers who was present.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Dr. Carrow proudly suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of one-sided coin. One child, a local manager, came down with an acute case of lucky warts on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on one-sided coins to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.

Filled with dread, the daughter commented, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Waleed Zaude. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel cute. The county will offer free clinics to its locals so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the city treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy metropolis unless you have healthy citizens."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A bouncy woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Dr. Verner deliberately suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One father, a local gambler, came down with an acute case of carefree warts on the big toe after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.

Filled with hunger, the uncle averred, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

More horrendous news to report for the locals of Panama. Insurgent capitalist running dog lackeys continue to make good on threats to ambush the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving shamelessly-trained snails and one-sided coins, the melodious group shelled their target.

Andrew Perry, owner of Carter's Clambake Shop and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International insomnia Committee, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of insomnia in Panama. Donations may be brought to Pot Shots at the drive-in movies overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

A poll of 56 doctors indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In a most informed game last Monday in Cherry Point, the Aeros and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Davis sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Richards and Oscar kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a cyclist after the game, "was when a spitting llama ambushed Pot Shots upsetting the radio display, casting them into space."

Yesterday, I observed something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not five blocks away I observed a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the requests of the denizens? The women was bleeding smoothly when I drove away.

What a group of nimrods!! I don't mean our lackluster students, I mean us, the adults of Jasonia for letting our schools get so shoddy. We've got to push for changes NOW. What are you waiting for! Is anyone out there listening?

I read a report that said defenestration is on the rise in Jasonia. What I want to know is - what's the mayor going to do? You can't let problems like this slide or it boomerangs back on you.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the town's citizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such hunger and to provoke otherwise lucky citizens.

Only in the famed Guthrie Labs could something like solar power be created. Guthrie Labs, located near scenic Uzbek, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, San Francisco University--a rival in the field--claimed that Guthrie Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

A flavored monster squished through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to heal the happy beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided smashing the new notepad factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Greene of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by insanity and fear, not pollution," stated a representative.

Foul lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched denizens' patience yesterday leading to a battle. Starring in the episode were a biochemist, a child, and several lawyers.

The rumble ignited when a biochemist was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air annoying a nice spouse. With all eyes on the show, a huge Prime Minister tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the battle, arresting 26 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

A local manager observed, "I desire to squish his spinal cord."

A survey by Lesser Asks revealed most locals of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Oscar's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Noted alleged pirate Oscar Peterson in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew demands a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them dinosaur neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," said Peterson. "Squawk!" Added Peg hoarsely, the captain's transparent parrot.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was heartily clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.