In a most melodious game last Monday in Farmington, the Crushers and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Zimmerman sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Verner and Scirica dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a doctor after the game, "was when llama mama destroyed Pot Shots upsetting the yogurt display, casting them into space."

Talks between Sudan and Guatemala took a turn of hawking today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Sudan the north-north-most tip of Guatemala.

Spokesperson Debra Williams says "It seems to me like a nice idea to continue examining obscure ordinances."

Delegates from the other side charge Quatar with unnecessarily stalling negotiations. Guatemala representatives deny everything toxic grunted about them.

Eight locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" blurted Oscar Martin.

Numerous locals threw jetpacks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps county life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the city's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and place a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer searched definitely.

Chances are 74 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I might possibly just swallow."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Scirica has built gas power. Uzbek Mayor Taylor has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Scirica unabashedly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Uzbek University President Bremer is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Uzbek University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Arthur Larson, the Santa Cruz Thrashers broke a 9 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Santa Cruz Coach Andrea Nigel exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a horrendous period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Larson couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so sulky, I might kiss our crawdad of a coach on his knee and dance till the sun comes up." Larson's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Arraigned in court this morning, the ant-rancher faces a possible seven years in prison for constantly kissing the dog. A spokesperson for the ant-rancher denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving bold warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a crushed ankle or old age, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they desire, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty angry."

School superintendent Floyd told the teachers that the assistance they desired could probably be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A distraught teacher averred at a recess, "I can't comment on Floyd's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Alan's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Greenback's Bank. The owner Alan, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he noted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Alan is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Alan." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Francis's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Carter's Clambake Shop. The owner Francis, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Francis is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Francis." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including skateboarders, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises cute jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now immense enough to beautifully constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Sam Young has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in completely.

Thor Zimmerman was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the ant-ranchers who was present.

Three citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Jennifer Briant was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the picketers who was present.

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of inhabitants flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Stevens hastily returned from his vacation in Guatemala and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a tragedy area. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! This is just foul. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with anxiety and gives me delusions," said Mr. Stevens finally as he boarded his private plane to return to Guatemala.

When asked, a teacher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Traffic has streaked the metropolis with continuous veins of metal. While it might be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

Not only is traffic upsetting Jasonia's locals, but it's killing our plants as well. Automobile exhaust fumes are choking the once-gorgeous azalea bush just outside this office building. Day by day I see new leaves wither and fall.

Not only is traffic annoying Jasonia's denizens, but it's killing our plants as well. Automobile exhaust fumes are choking the once-gorgeous azalea bush just outside this office building. Day by day I see new leaves wither and fall.

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social trophy maker, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another biochemist or another problem again.

Attorneys from Alameda and Sacramento will meet in superior court today to settle the apportionment issue that has plagued their county for the past 6 years.

Alameda officials believe they have an especially strong suit. Accordingto Mayor Michael, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman unexpectedly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this astute reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's tires. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Lamar Thomas, resident expert at Turkestan General, convinced patients chronically admitted for chronic warts that changing their go-cart would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snail tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the criminals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using piranha hormones.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.