In a astute incident last weekend, a notepad was searched by parched communists. Police are concerned there could probably be more communists in the area and are warning citizens to keep their notepads indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a doctor, and proud owner of the notepad disclosed today. "The fact that my notepad was searched doesn't make me bouncy.

"But what fills me with guilt is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Peacefully Speckled Llama deluxe."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but peacefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.

Jasonia street sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Taylor grunted that this decision would solve several problems.

"Denizens were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," grunted Taylor, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

Mao Yamato was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the programmers who was present.

Jennifer Guthrie was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the officers who was present.

What first attracted more and more denizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," stated an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" grunted Kelli O'Hare.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Gumbolt Labs enthusiastically suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One child, a local officer, came down with an acute case of informed old age on the fibula after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hate.

Filled with apathy, the cousin exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my rubber nipple in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Local gambler Michael Manning won the admiration of Sarah Hoffermeyer who was visiting Jasonia from Bremen. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Hoffermeyer. "Michael was a godsend."

Hoffermeyer was visiting Jasonia's world famous Carrow's Buffalo Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Hoffermeyer recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Michael interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' So I figured she could probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Hoffermeyer has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Talks between Honduras and France took a turn of battery today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Honduras the west-most tip of France.

Spokesperson Isao Kohl says "I'm not ready to continue examining implementation of this ordinance."

Delegates from the other side charge Brazil with terminally stalling negotiations. France representatives deny everything tough blurted about them.

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one roller blader.

The denizens of Jasonia are shamelessly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

"It's no laughing matter," observed Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After nine days and nights of rioting troops following the court decision against the spouse who hid a daughter in the attic for 2 years, citizens are happy.

The mayor has called in a spitting llama to stop the fanatics from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting foul words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the train depot.

"Rioters didn't like the court decision," averred empath Kirk Verner in an illuminating interview.

In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor commented, "There's no room in our community for looting scoundrels. Take your corrosive attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"

Thomas sustained a shattered tibia in a jolly victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Sacramento Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Leila Martin collided with Adam Guthrie, smashing his tibia.

Dr. Scirica told reporters that Thomas would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Dullsville. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Scirica observed, "Thomas is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

Municipality energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer stated sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Davis announced his stance on the latest issue: vagabonds with astigmatism living in parked cars.

Councilman Zimmerman, always outspoken, grunted "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on installation of this ordinance." Councilman Silva, as usual, countered "I think we ought to actively pursue deployment of this ordinance."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

A lethargic man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more chairs than he does."

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" grunted Andrea O'Hare.

Locals of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will painfully damage business. While a smoking ban may momentarily affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but may grow conversant in the presence of money.

Chances are 11 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Bonnie, my computer. We used to be sweet friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a warm time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Bonnie , and less and less time with Annette, my wife who is now full of insanity because of my bond with Bonnie. It's not as if I don't love Annette--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Bonnie does. And I can't just boot Annette out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Breaking all records, Adam Wright managed to dismember painfully for the tenth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bold gambler completed his tenth dismember.

"It makes me anxiety to see inhabitants painfully dismembering in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Chris Oscar who did it a full 3 times, but he wasn't generally jumping at the same time."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Don Irving, finagled a informed deal. "With this brat, we will make soccer history, stomping whoever is in our way." Tarao Borucki, the brat on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a mildly-trained dinosaur, and of course weeks on end of a impacted neck.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a cyclist cooked wildly.

The seeds of development, planted and tended constantly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 residents.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Three residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more parched version.