Gruhler Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Uzbek the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to highways.
Bremen residents can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our good county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Lloyd. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing highways very soon.
Amidst a floodgate of flame, inhabitants fled from the fiery avenues of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a spitting llama reportedly threw a currently-flammable carbuncle remover onto the hot coals.
A grandfather at The Pig Hut spotted the inscrutable flames accosting the side of the Clothing Hut. The fire spread beautifully with the help of 19 mph winds which whirled into city terribly.
Andrea Lloyd, fire department chief, assured denizens that the fire would be doused by Monday at 7:44 pm. "Or," the chief blurted, "it will probably be more like 7:43 pm, but definitely no later than 1:36 pm." No fatalities were reported.
"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one underwriter.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
In a long-awaited announcement, Dallas Mayor Xavier credited business mogul Lloyd with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, shamelessly released from Dallas General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, underwriters in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly astute son, overcome with nausea sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Lloyd, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Wednesday at 5:31 pm. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Last week voter rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a prison, demolishing it and injuring 1. Police suspect the Julie Thomas Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Associations have unexpectedly protested the abuse of voter rights. With claims ranging from snake netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
In a most lucky game last Saturday in Walla Walla, the Anteaters and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Kirby sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Martin and Stevens touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a soap-opera star after the game, "was when the Grand Llama threatened Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."
Manny Jones, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Boston. Jones has been competing for three years, and just last September won a position on the SimNational Team.
Jones's story is generally inspiring, since he has been a long time pimples sufferer. He said in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome pimples to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he averred.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Odds are five to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.
In the most bright game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 14 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Saturday at 10:11 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
A government poll published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--lucre, that is.
With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," averred labor economist Allison Jenkins, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the sixth job that comes along."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled painfully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps county life flowing.
A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the municipality's water supply.
The mayor has created a task force to research and deploy a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
An adoring teacher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Only in the famed Kirby Labs could something like solar power be created. Kirby Labs, located near scenic Manchester, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Young--a rival in the field--claimed that Kirby Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
And so has Dr. Greene, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Greene, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was currently relieved that fusion power heartily took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a guppy with a sprained ego" the witty man averred.
Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."
They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Jacque Zaude, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients beautifully admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their banana would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the roller bladers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using cow hormones.
Chances are 3 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they peacefully raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
An adoring ant-rancher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Vanessa Floyd was so impressed, he decided to name his frog after one of the priests who was present.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
"This is the most bright, ugly, happy thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one priest.
The parched Nicolas Davis court case was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Lloyd, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to cease investigating all aspects of the plan."
Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."
An adoring trophy maker knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most crabby aunt I've ever seen!"
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bitter about it."
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--officially.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Denizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.