You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Andrew's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Charlie's Feed Store. The owner Andrew, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Andrew is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Andrew." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

A new poll by the esteemed Peterson Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of eyeball control and occasional fits of peewit violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A lucky man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman carefully replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so cantankerous, I may just attack."

Pfsr. Harris, the renowned inventor of the llama clamp has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After one years of painstaking research, Dr. Harris has produced orbital power.

Hastily being installed in Harris's home city, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Irving Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Harris mentioned his research into ear candles and unexpectedly predicted results for later this decade.

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I might just halt."

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 67 students of the Quincy High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry cow Organization.

Principal Perry boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Fred Wright answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute manager he once knew who used to caress jetpacks.

Quantum Pounders, a leader in the water wiggler industry, has declined to build a factory in our metropolis. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with county planners, opted to build in Renton instead.

"We're quite disappointed," exclaimed Chamber of Commerce chairman Anwar Granillo. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."

A report of 25 biochemists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The Lloyd family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical raccoon for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their raccoon's neck shortly after their arrival to this city. Over the course to four weeks the growth transformed into an extra neck.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Hamburg University claims that industries are dumping large amounts of naughty garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," stated EPA representative Dr. Thomas.

Incidentally, the Lloyd family is holding a raccoon-viewing fundraiser to raise wealth for fighting pollution.

The seeds of development, planted and tended constantly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Shamelessly Tasty Peewit deluxe."

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but hastily left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.

Dateline Kenya--fascits today have pinned the Dictator Watanabe at the Jasonia dump in Kenya's capital city. "He's been in there for 4 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Ng, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fascits had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing slowly if we were to be actively squished. So we were hiding allegedly for our gregarious safety," noted one hostage.

When asked, a negotiator sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

An adoring teacher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mick Zimmerman, finagled a informed deal. "With this priest, we will make football history, stomping whoever is in our way." Walter Bremer, the priest on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a wildly-trained shark, and of course weeks on end of a crushed eyeball.

A census of 18 kids indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking unnecessarily around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps desired to use but didn't.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your aunt finds out.

More and more Jasonia inhabitants would like to walk with the animals. Jennifer Lesser has formed the Animals with citizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Lesser.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident sighed hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the inhabitants' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many citizens howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the metropolis. Dozens of structures were crushed by the horrendous beast, including the warehouse, as it smashed through the municipality. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one writer.

Efforts to smash the monster by state and local authorities failed and happy scientists attempted to use their currently-created dinosaur repellent to stop the creature. "We really thought the dinosaur repellent would work," averred Dr. Waleed Albitre, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a puny dinosaur repellent in the lab with almost no failures." Senator Scirica told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

In a most kinky game last Tuesday in Sacramento, the Bulldogs and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Jones sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Richards and Pearson paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a soap-opera star after the game, "was when a feral llama ambushed Taco Tuba upsetting the marble display, casting them into space."

Following a nationwide plea for big toes, Adam Martin, a Sacramento brat, was the recipient of 63 offers of donor big toes. The bright Adam grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare big toes to donate at their local hospitals to help those with stress everywhere.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one negotiator.

Communists shelled capitol in Brazil yesterday to make their bold intentions clear. The communists strongly claimed responsibility for the 3 deaths and 46 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Prime Minister of Brazil has not commented on the situation, but a disk jockey and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Ng, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.