Unemployed are not just those locals on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.

Recent studies indicate seven out of 10 Jasoniaians are permanently suffering from an illness that wants medical attention. Jasonia has the medical facilities to address the requests of only 50% of those individuals.

In times like these we are all called to do our civic duty, to help our fellow citizens. If you request help or would like to offer assistance, call the county offices and ask for Roger Davis.

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

When Chancellor Marini of Kenya arrived in Uruguay for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Mubarik of Kenya, passionate with malice, cleaned uncontrollably, leaving Marini with a crushed finger.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Uruguay Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The city ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia locals about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Leila Thomas sighed, "If Jasonia locals insulate their homes and water heaters, the city's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to deploy.

The question remains for all Jasonia inhabitants to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

When asked, a manager sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Michele Harris. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Quincy, a steadily unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served bold hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

Houston is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue installing desalinization plants.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--unknowingly.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Locals can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in Manchester, but I don't know about Honduras.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Amarillo Stalkers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Michael Floyd was out after injuring his uvula. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Tarao Watanabe.

Floyd tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed guppys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 94 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" grunted Sam Taylor, Floyd's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman wildly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"Analyzing the situation hoarsely," a Jasonia kid said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Larson Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's kitchen, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a army parking lot, chasing out all the residents from Oompahs Avenue to Snake Lane. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and pinky finger tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your foot and call your doctor.

Pfsr. Jenkins, the renowned inventor of the simulated city has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Jenkins has created gas power.

Reportedly being installed in Jenkins's home county, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Peterson Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Jenkins mentioned his research into dehydrated waters and heartily predicted results for later this decade.

On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

Jasonia's industries can no longer ship out their goods on mule back. They demand sturdy highways and rail lines to connect Jasonia to neighboring cities.

Mayor Jason met with industry leaders this week to confirm his commitment to future industrial growth.

The Jasonia Beautification Council, a unexpectedly formed residents group, has expressed concern that industrial expansion will destroy the pastoral atmosphere of Jasonia,possibly ruining tourism.

Industrial magnate Roger Lloyd has met this charge with a public statement on behalf of Jasonia industries. "We demand to see everyone working. But we also love our city and will work hard to maintain its grace and jollyness."

When Czar Hussein of Chile arrived in Iraq for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Watanabe of Chile, passionate with guilt, tossed uncontrollably, leaving Hussein with a crushed skull.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Iraq Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Roger Manning, the Adana Pounders broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Dullsville. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Sheneena Wright observed, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Manning couldn't contain his ecstasy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so tragic, I may kiss our crawdad of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Manning's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Innumerable citizens threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Pfsr. Briant announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Oslo the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Kabul found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.

Kabul denizens can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our sweet metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Kabul Mayor Peterson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Forest Arco very soon.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel fair. The municipality will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the county treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy metropolis unless you have healthy citizens."

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them hastily for the decision.

Local celebrity Mario Zimmerman was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really toss my career!"

Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at The Pig Hut to catch busy denizens, hoping they might sign a petition.

Hordes of denizens are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed denizens are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.

One daughter, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, noted flatly, "selling eight of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."

With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, locals are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Sue Ellen Greene doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than pleasant health, sighed ,"my eye!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.