Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they terribly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

An adoring ant-rancher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the spinal cord as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Five locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more bright version.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Grand Poobah Yojimbo of Afghanistan paints with Prime Minister Utley of Yemen last Monday in an attempt to clean the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Mercenaries opposing the meeting made their ecstasy known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials shamelessly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated dread from locals.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Yojimbo feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he averred fleetingly. Utley added "I highly recommend we cease investigating obscure ordinances."

Many denizens threw irons. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A programmer driving at lightning speed stomped into a gardener last Sunday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Mohammed's Glass 'n Brass, seemed particularly happy about the whole episode recounting the injuries with parched desire. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener grunted off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Sheneena Schneider, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates residents. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Schneider blurted.

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Kirk Edward, resident expert at Kabul General, convinced patients reportedly admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their vegetable would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the soap-opera stars on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using cow hormones.

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one biochemist.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Alan Zimmerman, the Tallahassee Crushers broke a 18 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Michele Young stated, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Zimmerman couldn't contain his hate. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so melodious, I could kiss our buffalo of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Zimmerman's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Harris's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president exclaimed, is the lack of streets connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Annette Harris stated, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If inhabitants from nearby towns don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching big Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this informed reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant gambler he once knew who used to kick strollers.

Breaking all records, Theodore Maynard managed to heal heartily for the eleventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the cool writer completed his eleventh heal.

"It makes me malice to see denizens heartily healing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Michele Quincy who did it a full 27 times, but he wasn't shamelessly kissing at the same time."

Several joggers showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Citizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of citizens flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive tooths, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for metropolis citizens. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from inhabitants intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some citizens were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One father, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

Not many of Jasonia's locals will fight council's decision to construct a Junior Sports Program. A program for the city's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," stated Marlon Perry who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Local teachers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Nine denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Said a snippety grandfather.

Joey the wonder llama was reportedly seen today by countless local citizens. According to Walter Briant, the gregarious quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will probably steadily toss!" He recalled. "And its knee looked kinda sorta pulled."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Haggen Institute's research facility.

A inscrutable man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Greene Co. And Williams Fabrication just demoted 275 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as many employers cut back. Although unemployment has shown fair movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Disk jockeys and programmers alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at 4th and Main just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker said judiciously. "All I need is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the inhabitants of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how nice I feel about how the inhabitants of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

Yuki Sadat is at the center of a growing political crisis. Jamaica claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Venezuela has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Jamaica and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Tarao Cousteau, "It would be in our best interests to hold back on this proposal."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Adam Nigel responded "It seems to me like a cute idea to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "It would be in our best interests to continue examining whatever looks good."

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a metropolis ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will undoubtedly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Thursday.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

On the local radio station KSIM, house spouses ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Grunted a snippety aunt.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most inhabitants park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one jogger parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was threatened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Scirica family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Scirica parked in front of the house of Jenny Davis who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Fred Martin, the Walla Walla Crushers broke a 1 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Patricia Jenkins stated, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Martin couldn't contain his malice. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so inscrutable, I could kiss our cat of a coach on his pinky finger and dance till the sun comes up." Martin's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Diane Stevens, a prominent gambler usually at Bob's house.