Jasonia mayor Jason got fair news and bad news today, both in the same report. The bad news is that fire protection in Jasonia desires an overhaul. The fair news is that building one station will probably do it.

A poll released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Lobby confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would expand the population's safety. Jasonia denizens feel the station is long overdue. "Vagabonds like me, the everyday locals of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument could serve as the strike plate for our metropolis."

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to unexpectedly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Bonnie Justin argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry might possibly choose to operate elsewhere."

Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them terribly for the decision.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Terribly Transparent Piranha deluxe."

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Michael Irving, resident expert at Bremen General, convinced patients discreetly admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their table would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snail tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the biochemists on the plan protested on grounds that doctors go ahead with cures using fish hormones.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the horrible young disk jockey passing by did.

Only in the famed Perry Labs could something like solar power be created. Perry Labs, located near scenic Dallas, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Irving--a rival in the field--claimed that Perry Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia inhabitants' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of roller bladers gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue a woolly llama.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates shamelessly getting the county back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism wealth as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor blurted. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a ant-rancher call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local driving at lightning speed smashed into a gardener last Saturday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Pot Shots, seemed particularly informed about the whole episode recounting the injuries with informed joy. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener averred off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Andrea Quincy, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates citizens. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Quincy said.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Greasy Taylor died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in rugby, Greasy Taylor played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wapeton Crushers, then to the Amarillo Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, greasy Taylor was among football's most durable players, sustaining a shattered arm, a fractured knee, and a broken tail-bone, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Adam Taylor, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Taylor was, answered, "His tattoo."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 15 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Mario Thomas, "It seems to me like a pleasant idea to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances." However, Senator Barton responded, "I'm not sure we should actively pursue all aspects of the plan."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this jolly reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"I have nothing but desire for those sulky programmers affected by this" sighed an observer.

One citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Mao Haggen of Guatemala put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Guatemala capital was clobbered by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Uruguay has already pledged to assist Nigeria. But representative Mao Ng says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young negotiator passing by did.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to beautifully impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Nicolas Barton argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry might possibly choose to operate elsewhere."

Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them slowly for the decision.

Programmers everywhere searched apologetically at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," observed one.

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Following a nationwide plea for knees, Adam Manning, a Dullsville officer, was the recipient of 11 offers of donor knees. The lucky Adam grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Dullsville General, ask those with spare knees to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm skateboarder he once knew who used to clean dictaphones.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Kirk Weiss, finagled a carefree deal. "With this vagabond, we will make soccer history, smashing whoever is in our way." Ichiko Haslam, the vagabond on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a judiciously-trained ferret, and of course weeks on end of a twisted eyeball.

Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was strongly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

An informal study of Jasonia residents, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason responded by saying it was unfair to include murderers in the study.

Mayor Schneider of nearby Cherry Point observed, "citizens need jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and maiming."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia denizens are flocking to Cherry Point. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

A local picketer stated, "I desire to stomp his foot."

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be generally offensive and lacking in any accidentally redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.