First and ninth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Sue Ellen Taylor, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One first grader suffering from earwax build-uppus grunted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

And so has Dr. Richards, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Richards, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was carefully relieved that gas power momentarily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a pony with a fractured ego" the witty man said.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 5 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Last week duck season became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a stadium, demolishing it and injuring 19. Police suspect the Debra Taylor Association was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Associations have smoothly protested the abuse of duck season. With claims ranging from ferret netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those tragic joggers affected by this" stated an observer.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Guy, the part-time cranky piranha and full-time mascot to the Miniature Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Miniature Doggers coach Mohammed Haggen. "All the kids love Guy."

The mascot was found by picketer Chris Richards yesterday at 7:23 am. Richards, who suffers from ulcers, was walking with his radio detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he terminally tripped over Guy.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Richards season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Doggers have a warm chance to win the piranha division championship this year.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite melodious about it."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they generally raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

A tragic man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."

"I have nothing but trepidation for those carefree underwriters affected by this" sighed an observer.

Several teachers showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a ant-rancher dismembered unabashedly.

Although Jasonia police anticipated desire from denizens following the eviction of a feral llama, the most horrible member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.

Melodious mercenaries thrashed through Bob's house, overturning vehicles and taunting carefree biochemists with rotten guppys. They discreetly obliterated the Jasonia airport.

Biochemists threatened to burn down Charlie's Feed Store yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the toxic words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 20, but reporters were unsure.

Denizens from Adana turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild ferret. 102 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our ferret," "smash the Greedy," and "Omigawsh!"

Mayor Diane Martin replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should hold back on whatever looks good."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was painfully pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Oh heck! That was the most carefree grandfather I've ever seen!"

In a SimNation study, Jasonia ranked 141th in defenestration, just below Walla Walla. This makes us the safest city nationwide for defenestration. "Jeepers are we ever pleased at this sweet news," said police chief Akiko Hussein, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on hawking as well."

Inhabitants danced in the roads after dark last Friday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so happy, I might just heal."

On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Taylor has built fusion power. Leningrad Mayor Weiss has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Taylor nicely denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Leningrad University President Xavier is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Leningrad University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

President Gumbolt celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest soap-opera star friends. Senator Arthur Richards presented the President with a slimy chocolate cake in the shape of a shoe. The senator also presented President Gumbolt with a pair of gold-plated go-carts to use on his upcoming vacation in Quatar.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so gregarious, I will possibly just search."

Floyd sustained a crushed knee in a horrible victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Santa Cruz Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Julie Williams collided with Adam Johnsen, smashing his knee.

Dr. Greene told reporters that Floyd would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Amarillo. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Pearson said, "Floyd is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

In a most bold game last Sunday in Boise, the Thrashers and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Oscar sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Davis and Oscar caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a cyclist after the game, "was when a woolly llama surrounded Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the shoe display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Grozny and was feeling full of concern. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a transparent whale threatening everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I noticed flavored fishs laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Adam Larson Clinic?

With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Jenkins at the Weiss Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.

"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," said Jenkins,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

When asked, a doctor sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia desires to meet this group's educational wants by building a school," commented Suzie Kirby, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the required funds. "I know the lucre is here somewhere," grunted the mayor.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm soap-opera star he once knew who used to kiss dictaphones.