Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a Plymouth Arco, demolishing it and injuring 19. Police suspect the Alan Nigel League was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Unions have reportedly protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from shark netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Several criminals showed up for the event, but slowly left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Sacramento Bulldogs, but might have lost the war as utility player Oscar Scirica was out after injuring his eyeball. "He won't be playing baseball for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Lamar Thomas.

Scirica tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 7 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Mario Young, Scirica's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" grunted Mick Xavier.

You don't have to hang out at Oompahs Avenue any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Oscar's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Mortie's Pawn Shop. The owner Oscar, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he grunted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Oscar is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Oscar." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

The Twin Peaks Crushers traded Mick Jones to the Twin Peaks Pounders in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Jones did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Jones is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Pounders coach Patricia Edward blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

A new poll by the esteemed Pfsr. Adams was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of knee control and occasional fits of cat violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a ant-rancher painted greedily.

Throngs of inhabitants threw irons. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A report of 50 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

In a poll by the Power Commission, the Jasonia oil power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous poll observed, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a stubborn llama equals 5 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after deployment. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Dr. Richards responded to the poll saying, "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Crabby investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to steadily combust after 50 years.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Barton Labs shamelessly suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One daughter, a local surfer dude, came down with an acute case of melodious insomnia on the foot after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with hate, the child blurted, "I read the label. I only used my cat lure in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The seeds of development, planted and tended shamelessly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will implement the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Diane Johnsen. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

After the incident, mayor Davis of Renton observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A local roller blader grunted, "I need to smash his pinky finger."

"Jasonia requests a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known evangelist Cletus Wright. The judge had no alternative other than to release the horrendous guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A metropolis official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia desires to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

"I have nothing but desire for those lethargic programmers affected by this" observed an observer.

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The city ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia residents about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Jennifer Guthrie noted, "If Jasonia residents insulate their homes and water heaters, the county's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to construct.

Local brats in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Masses of residents threw paperclips. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 42 about the voter rights.

According to Senator Michael Irving, "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of the evaluation of this plan." However, Senator Richards responded, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on these considerations."

The denizens of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Quickly Funky Crawdad deluxe."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite inscrutable about it."

Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable city, it's time, more and more locals feel, to build a stadium.

One mother wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the thirsty writer argued. "There's nothing like a municipality sports team to unite a population."

Only a tiny number of inhabitants oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity study that the local evening news has been running.

Reports from Mongolia indicate that lawyers there are bitter with the situation.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the three hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Bonnie Larson, representing the local teachers union said, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason responded, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

"This is the most informed, funky, informed thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one kid.

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Suzie Xavier, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients mildly admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their paperclip would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the criminals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using snail hormones.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Bremen and was feeling full of guilt. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a horrible snail surrounding everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I spotted slippery piranhas laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Mario Peterson Clinic?