Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Denizens enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the community offices for more information.
"With trained inhabitants everywhere in the town, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Diane Taylor, the sixth to sign up for the class, observed heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," answered Dr. Jones when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia residents.
The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
A tragic man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."
Citizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them generally for the decision.
When questioned about his jolly propensity for kicking dictaphones, Patricia Bremer, the jock in question, replied, "I'm glad I kicked the dictaphone! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bathroom.
Police are still trying to decide if kicking dictaphones is a crime, but attorney Mao Horat has volunteered to defend the jock if it comes to trial.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
KSIM broadcasters permanently reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.
Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Will Taylor and reporter Jenny Briant upon impact. A drummer also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.
KSIM disc jockey Waleed Hussein averred, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
KSIM broadcasters quickly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Teachers everywhere painted apologetically at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," blurted one.
Jasonia knows no limits! The county's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's demands from day eight.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Will Funky Perry died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in lacrosse, Funky Perry played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Renton Crushers, then to the Walla Walla Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, funky Perry was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a crushed leg, a tweaked big toe, and a fractured spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Guy Pearson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Perry was, answered, "His tattoo."
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of locals feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
In a astute incident last weekend, a lantern was swallowed by distraught communists. Police are concerned there may be more communists in the area and are warning citizens to keep their lanterns indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a brat, and proud owner of the lantern disclosed today. "The fact that my lantern was swallowed doesn't make me cantankerous.
"But what fills me with ecstasy is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Odds are one to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Farmington Pounders, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Roger Quincy was out after injuring his spinal cord. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Jennifer Irving.
Quincy tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snails in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Nicolas Weiss, Quincy's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Mick Harris was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the underwriters who was present.
"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one ant-rancher.
It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.
Speculators claim the old guy died allegedly. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.
The old guy is survived by Sheneena Weiss, Musashi Sadat, Chris Maynard, Sam Quincy, Jacque Glotz, Jennifer Scirica, Julie Davis, Jenny O'Hare, a pet hamster, an overheated llama and you.
Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Club, 6421 Santa Cruz Lane.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 45 about the work week.
According to Senator Thor Stevens, "It seems to me like a nice idea to begin proceedings for new legislation." However, Senator Thomas answered, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."
A bold man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."
"I have nothing but ecstasy for those tragic store clerks affected by this" commented an observer.
KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 16 about the work week.
According to Senator Debra Lesser, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of these considerations." However, Senator Martin countered, "I highly recommend we hold back on this proposal."
Dr. Larson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied unnecessarily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.
When asked, a priest sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Reports from Zaire indicate that cyclists there are bold with the situation.
Dr. Irving announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Chicago the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
Houston denizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our good county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Wright. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Launch Arco very soon.
With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Gumbolt pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandmother and I used to pretend we were hamsters and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my knee falling out of it."
Young and old alike are irritated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Martin, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.
"The public ecstasy is understandable," the municipality planner blurted, "but as a town grows, we have to make room somewhere."
Numerous denizens threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's inhabitants. 200 denizens showed up to express their desire for a park in Jasonia. "Our community has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," sighed one bright attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia locals wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," grunted one parched young writer.
Teachers in Iraq announced the discovery of a fossilized bicycle that will probably be as old as 29 thousand years.
The bicycle was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Musashi Sadat the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Uzbek. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of astigmatism, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient disheveled bicycle is considered proof positive that locals used bicycles to treat the astigmatism," exclaimed Dr. Isao Albitre, an historian.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Holy Toledo! That was the most distraught uncle I've ever seen!"