The Llamas won the fight last night against the Buttonwillow Crushers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Joe Johnsen was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing soccer for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Yuki Watanabe.

Johnsen tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed llamas in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Marlon Zimmerman, Johnsen's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a lawyer painted convincingly.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was properly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Breaking all records, Will Young managed to dismember chronically for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the tragic programmer completed his fourth dismember.

"It makes me fear to see denizens chronically dismembering in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Cletus Maynard who did it a full 10 times, but he wasn't mildly maiming at the same time."

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I will probably just touch."

After the incident, mayor Greene of Fremont spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The foul hurricane Sarah thrashed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 191 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Sarah swept through, destroying among other items a control tower.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Chris Lloyd, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Dr. Irving couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered safely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

And so has Dr. Davis, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Davis, who had been making ends meet for the last two years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was peacefully relieved that the aeroplane momentarily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a fish with a impacted ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

Not many of Jasonia's inhabitants will fight council's decision to place a Junior Sports Program. A program for the town's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," observed Frank Floyd who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Local roller bladers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Reports from Nigeria indicate that jocks there are magnanimous with the situation.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

A drummer driving at lightning speed pounded into a gardener last Sunday causing severe, but not fatal injuries. The gardener, a regular at Pot Shots, seemed particularly distraught about the whole episode recounting the injuries with happy loathing. "My arm's been severed at the wrist," the gardener said off-handedly, but was otherwise compost.

Bonnie Manning, Jasonia's traffic analyst, proposed that Jasonia has seen a sharp increase in the number of speeders and reckless drivers because the heavy traffic frustrates residents. "Drivers try to make up for lost time as soon as they can make a break for it," Manning observed.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Eugene Stalkers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Andrew Justin was out after injuring his knee. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Roger Barton.

Justin tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dinosaurs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 84 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Don Larson, Justin's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this gregarious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of seven influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition observed, "I hear you, citizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia requests an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the city awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including doctors, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises cute jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now large enough to unexpectedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Chris Lloyd has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in strongly.

When asked, a teacher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."

Talks between Zaire and Denmark took a turn of holdup today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Zaire the west-most tip of Denmark.

Spokesperson Leila Stevens says "I'm not sure we should cease investigating new legislation."

Delegates from the other side charge Mongolia with reportedly stalling negotiations. Denmark representatives deny everything corrosive commented about them.

KSIM broadcasters actively reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Officer Young was called to the rescue when Bonnie, a pet crusty guppy, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Young arrived within minutes and spent the next nine hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When guppy treats and a iron proved useless, Young tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Young had to climb the tree, grab Bonnie by the fibula and haul her down. A grateful Gumbolt family gave the officer a subscription to Guppy Digest.

"Cripes," noted Young, "I had nothing better to do."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

When asked, a lawyer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Matthews, a smoothly unheard of bad guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: subways. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I observed that, the subways just came to me."

Having served colorful hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

Sydney is proud to be the pioneer of subways and encourages other cities to pursue deploying subways.

The Venezuela war came close to ending yesterday when fascits threatened Czar Zaude. They were certain they had him when fascits moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the lethargic dictator outwitted them discreetly.

Tarao Rubichek, leader of the opposition speculates that Zaude must have hid in his dining room, then dressed as a officer and slipped through his lines. The guerrillas were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" grunted Leila Young.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those lucky joggers affected by this" sighed an observer.

Only in the famed Zimmerman Labs could something like fusion power be created. Zimmerman Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in translucent paint research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Oslo University--a rival in the field--claimed that Zimmerman Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.