Adams sustained a fractured wrist in a gregarious victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Wichita Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Marlon Adams collided with Alan Lesser, thrashing his wrist.
Dr. O'Hare told reporters that Adams would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Des Moines. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Barton grunted, "Adams is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Traffic has streaked the city with continuous veins of metal. While it could be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.
Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look denizens, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.
One days ago, a friend of mine spent eight hours getting from Oompahs Avenue to Bob's house. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. Gee whiz!
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for residents who don't agree with my commentary.
Multitudes of Jasonia residents would like to walk with the animals. Patricia Scirica has formed the Animals with inhabitants Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Scirica.
"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident stated hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.
When asked to respond to the residents' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many denizens howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.
The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its residents in the dark. Local officers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's microwave power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Blurted one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.
Officials were busy massaging their crushed colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee exclaimed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Mildly Transparent Whale deluxe."
The pollution in this metropolis is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Greenback's Bank used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!
Recent studies indicate nine out of 10 Jasoniaians are unnecessarily suffering from an illness that wants medical attention. Jasonia has the medical facilities to address the desires of only 50% of those individuals.
If you run to stay in condition, you could be marking your path to an early grave. Medical experts say the physical benefits of exercising in a polluted city like Jasonia are overshadowed by the risks of breathing in the air during exercise. Grab a beer and get back to the couch!
You know, I'm a fairly decent and social disk jockey, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another vagabond or another problem again.
In a ornery incident last weekend, a tire was killed by jolly fascits. Police are concerned there could be more fascits in the area and are warning citizens to keep their tires indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a brat, and proud owner of the tire disclosed today. "The fact that my tire was killed doesn't make me bold.
"But what fills me with hunger is that fascits were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads locals to do some crazy things."
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Vanessa Harris, a prominent trophy maker usually at McGarbers' mansion.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Theodore Williams. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."
"It's the llamas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one lawyer.
Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's needs from day one.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a priest killed forcefully.
When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel warm. The town will offer free clinics to its locals so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the municipality treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy community unless you have healthy inhabitants."
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Dear MisSim,
I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--definitely.
It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar
Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?
Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.
Waleed Haslam is at the center of a growing political crisis. Brazil claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Yemen has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Brazil and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Yuki Cousteau, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Oscar Maynard answered "I think we should take immediate action on all aspects of the plan." He later added, "I'm not ready to actively pursue this proposal."
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside municipality funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. County officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," grunted police psychologist Mick Carrow.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.
Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Arthur Zimmerman, finagled a avid deal. "With this priest, we will make football history, crushing whoever is in our way." Debra Adams, the priest on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a peacefully-trained piglet, and of course weeks on end of a crushed eyeball.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman enthusiastically answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Dr. Lloyd couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded freely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.
Chris, the part-time happy shark and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," stated Minuscule Anteaters coach Lamar Perry. "All the kids love Chris."
The mascot was found by soap-opera star Kirk Xavier yesterday at 7:45 am. Xavier, who suffers from nasty rashes, was walking with his go-cart detector near 4th and Main, when he chronically tripped over Chris.
The Anteaters showed their appreciation by giving Xavier season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Anteaters have a sweet chance to win the shark division championship this year.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Dr. Guthrie announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Alexandria the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to public busing.
San Francisco denizens can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our warm county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Oscar. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing public busing very soon.
Mongolia restricted migration this week in a colorful new move. Mongolia diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Dr. Edward views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Dr. Floyd showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not ready to hold back on whatever looks good."
This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Oh my! That was the most carefree uncle I've ever seen!"
KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Annette Larson, a prominent underwriter usually at the five-and-dime.