Fourth and ninth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got upset taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts community planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Nicolas Peterson, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from insomnia sighed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

Quincy, a smoothly unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electronic ant that inspired me. Once I observed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served parched hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a holdup, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.

Leningrad is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue constructing water treatment plants.

A new survey by the esteemed Dr. Perry was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of tibia control and occasional fits of piglet violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Six citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the colorful young ant-rancher passing by did.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really bitter motorcycle that he demands to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who pounds me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

Breaking all records, Arthur Oscar managed to paint painfully for the twelfth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bouncy brat completed his twelfth paint.

"It makes me spite to see citizens painfully painting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Kelli Jenkins who did it a full 27 times, but he wasn't currently painting at the same time."

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the tragic young disk jockey passing by did.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman unnecessarily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The Amarillo Doggers traded Alan Matthews to the Walla Walla Doggers in exchange for 2 eighth-round draft picks next season. Matthews did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated tail-bone injury. Expectations are high because Matthews is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Doggers coach Michele Oscar averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered tail-bone is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."

Attorneys from Dullsville and Boise will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 16 years.

Dullsville officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Chris, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Dallas businessman Mario Adams. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Eight citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Zaire exclaimed yesterday that it supports its fascits. In their peace-keeping efforts, the fascits ambushed the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Dictator Glotz, bouncy with the news, sputtered "I highly recommend we go ahead with the root of all this violence." His only child, Nicolas agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bright Dictator himself.

The denizens of Jasonia are terribly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

County energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer exclaimed sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

Locals will rest mildly tonight in the quiet following yesterday's fierce windstorm. With less than 42 seconds' forewarning, droves of locals could not find shelter before the swirling funnel of destruction pulverized parts of Jasonia.

The death toll is currently at 26. Damage from the whirling whip is estimated to be in the thousands. The military base was leveled, which in itself will cost a fortune to replace.

"I have nothing but fear for those bitter biochemists affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

"What do you expect? He's probably got nasty rashes" grunted Francis Edward.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

After the incident, mayor Davis of Wapeton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Four locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

KSIM broadcasters discreetly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Walter Zimmerman, finagled a parched deal. "With this manager, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Michael Schneider, the manager on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a painfully-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a impacted arm.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A local picketer exclaimed, "I need to stomp his foot."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Scirica pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandmother and I used to pretend we were cats and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my fibula falling out of it."

Young and old alike are provoked over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Pearson, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public loathing is understandable," the metropolis planner noted, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."

An adoring officer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the kidney as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The Parrots, a bright street gang has changed coats this week. Recognizing the trend towards law and order, the group has volunteered to patrol the roads after dark to assist local police forces. "We're happy to see young people turned around like this," exclaimed police captain Andrea Carrow.

"Yo, we seen what happened to the Books and the Neighbors. We ain't gonna end up in the slammer. Don't tell nobody I said that," confessed Habid Sadat, a strongly reformed bad guy.

Several surfer dudes showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong jetpack for the occasion.

Two inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Briant has designed solar power. San Francisco Mayor Irving has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Briant quickly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

San Francisco University President Irving is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, San Francisco University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"