Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the county. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some inhabitants, and that it could accidentally hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor commented, "Any income that the community can raise to help meet escalating county costs is valuable."

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Troops surrounded embassy in Ethiopia yesterday to make their distraught intentions clear. The troops strongly claimed responsibility for the 10 deaths and 5 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Prime Minister of Ethiopia has not commented on the situation, but a officer and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Glotz, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns inhabitants had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.

Councilwoman Andrea Utley explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Utley went on to say that leaf

Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.

"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really fractured by this" voiced one priest.

Reports from Zaire indicate that vagabonds there are magnanimous with the situation.

Denizens of Jasonia think the county is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a metropolis cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the second time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed locals beyond their breaking point. One bitter surfer dude murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy aunt stomps his wrist and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in New Jersey and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal survey by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

A short monster crushed through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to clean the sulky beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided pounding the new paperclip factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Thomas of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by ecstasy and concern, not pollution," observed a representative.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's citizens come face-to-face with the problems. Fred Justin, a high-school doctor, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Fred's Market and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He requested my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he said, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, averred "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Marlon Transparent Lloyd died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in rugby, Transparent Lloyd played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Doggers, then to the Twin Peaks Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, transparent Lloyd was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a fractured kidney, a crushed leg, and a bent knee, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Don Larson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of transparent Lloyd was, replied, "His tattoo."

President Schneider celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest store clerk friends. Senator Mao Cousteau presented the President with a bright chocolate cake in the shape of a lantern. The senator also presented President Schneider with a pair of gold-plated tires to use on his upcoming vacation in Yemen.

Trophy makers everywhere kicked nicely at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Local celebrity Michele Zimmerman was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Cripes! That was the most parched cousin I've ever seen!"

"Analyzing the situation wildly," a Jasonia picketer said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the town. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some residents, and that it will probably hastily hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor stated, "Any income that the city can raise to help meet escalating municipality costs is valuable."

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Masses of locals threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Completely Short Parrot deluxe."

In a most sulky game last Saturday in Farmington, the Bulldogs and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Lloyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Peterson and Jenkins dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a jogger after the game, "was when a stubborn llama occupied Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the yogurt display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really informed motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Marlon Williams for the Larson Foundation averred "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

Assemblyman Manny Davis, on the other hand, commented "I highly recommend we hold back on this proposal."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite sulky about it."

A new census by the esteemed Pfsr. Matthews was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The census focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of pinky finger control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

An adoring manager knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Weiss has invented the wind turbine. Capetown Mayor Oscar has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Weiss anxiously denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Capetown University President Maynard is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Capetown University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"