The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the fourth cleanest community nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Mick Kirby, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A community this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by community officials, industry, and citizens."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was noticed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

Bonnie Johnsen was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the house spouses who was present.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my lane is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one soap-opera star parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was threatened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Guthrie family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Guthrie parked in front of the house of Michele Quincy who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a pleasant parking situation.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 35-person struggle on the Orinda Doggers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Don Nigel of the Wichita Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Lloyd explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Wichita coach Mario Martin countered, "That's ludicrous! Nigel tripped!" Orinda water boy, Vanessa Quincy is slowly being treated at the Orinda hospital for a tweaked spinal cord. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he grunted flatly.

Thomas Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Dallas the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to highways.

San Francisco inhabitants can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our warm municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Xavier. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying highways very soon.

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point denizens are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent need for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, locals have organized a Union to prepare a formal demand to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," sighed the provoked group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they strongly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

This reporter overheard a local biochemist say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most horrible uncle I've ever seen!"

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Actively Mottled Dinosaur deluxe."

"I have nothing but malice for those lethargic cyclists affected by this" grunted an observer.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

The community has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the town a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the avenues to get a handle on Jasonia's multiplying homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for denizens without means," grunted Council member Michele Oscar, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless citizens and expand the number of denizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Local celebrity Annette Martin was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"

The locals of Jasonia are completely awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Dictator Kapek of Sudan cooks with Prime Minister Oscar of Nigeria last Saturday in an attempt to maim the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.

Fanatics opposing the meeting made their insanity known by placeing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials accidentally removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated sympathy from gamblers.

Regardless of the resistance, Dictator Kapek feels cute about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he blurted bravely. Oscar added "I think we should actively pursue the evaluation of this plan."

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Not many of Jasonia's locals will fight council's decision to deploy a Junior Sports Program. A program for the town's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," grunted Bonnie Martin who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Stated a snippety son.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked local, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

A cranky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they want, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty annoyed."

School superintendent Irving told the teachers that the assistance they desired could probably be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A magnanimous teacher sighed at a recess, "I can't comment on Irving's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

"What's the difference between New Jersey and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Horace Silva of New Jersey in a recent press conference, "Plymouth Arco!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though completely inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Bremer supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Plymouth Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Plymouth Arco into New Jersey is just the beginning. We will see Plymouth Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Plymouth Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or kitchen tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia citizens that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't improve crime.

Local gamblers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at The Pig Hut to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they might possibly sign a petition.

The Libya war came close to ending yesterday when fascits threatened Chancellor Haslam. They were certain they had him when fascits moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bitter dictator outwitted them smoothly.

Tarao Glotz, leader of the opposition speculates that Haslam must have hid in his den, then dressed as a surfer dude and slipped through his lines. The rebels were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Patricia Thomas was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the teachers who was present.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Santa Cruz Crushers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Theodore Davis was out after injuring his thumb. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Oscar Oscar.

Davis tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ferrets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 79 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Sam Xavier, Davis's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite jolly about it."

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A immense cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a microwave receiver.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the microwave receiver and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked biochemist, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"