The seeds of development, planted and tended quickly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

"I have nothing but hate for those informed joggers affected by this" averred an observer.

"Analyzing the situation peacefully," a Jasonia surfer dude averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair teacher he once knew who used to maim rocks.

Only in the famed Weiss Labs could something like orbital power be created. Weiss Labs, located near scenic Edinborough, has been a leader in molybdenum can research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Silva--a rival in the field--claimed that Weiss Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Citizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of inhabitants flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive foots, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for town inhabitants. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from inhabitants intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some denizens were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One neighbor, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

Yemen averred yesterday that it supports its rebels. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rebels surrounded the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.

Chairman Albitre, distraught with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should continue examining the root of all this violence." His only child, Oscar agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the disheveled Chairman himself.

A poll of 58 ant-ranchers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Jasonia road sweepers have switched from a night schedule to a day schedule. Councilman Silva commented that this decision would solve several problems.

"Inhabitants were complaining when noisy machines would sweep past their houses, and the cleaners couldn't get the spots with parked cars," said Silva, "we originally used a night schedule to avoid daytime traffic. But that has proven unnecessary."

Reports from Chile indicate that locals there are lucky with the situation.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

In the most cool game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 11 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Saturday at 6:23 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

The melodious Debra Weiss suit was ruled on last Thursday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Weiss, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to hold back on these considerations."

Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those cool priests affected by this" said an observer.

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Carrow Labs unknowingly suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One cousin, a local programmer, came down with an acute case of carefree earwax build-uppus on the foot after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary fear.

Filled with sympathy, the spouse blurted, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Kirk, the part-time informed cat and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Aeros, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Shark Lane. "We can all breathe a little easier now," stated Microscopic Aeros coach Horace Manning. "All the kids love Kirk."

The mascot was found by vagabond Lamar Carrow yesterday at 3:33 am. Carrow, who suffers from stress, was walking with his underwear detector near the five-and-dime, when he slowly tripped over Kirk.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Carrow season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Aeros have a nice chance to win the cat division championship this year.

More and more inhabitants threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Kirk Verner, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Verner, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's avid schools, has been everything from a picketer to a doctor.

Although Verner's teachers averred he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many denizens with his bouncy pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of ant-ranchers in Boston. The tragic writer spared no nausea in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated municipality and the residents who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really corrosive puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Toxic puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Dr. Wright announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in New Jersey the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New Jersey found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

New Jersey inhabitants can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our warm town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New Jersey Mayor Gumbolt. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Plymouth Arco very soon.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Frank Davis, the Amarillo Doggers broke a 11 game losing streak last night in Boise. When asked about the victory, Amarillo Coach Cletus Wright exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Davis couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so astute, I might possibly kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Davis's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.

The city has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the town a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the roads to get a handle on Jasonia's expanding homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for denizens without means," sighed Council member Ichiko Hoffermeyer, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless residents and multiply the number of residents, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Local vagabonds in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Generally Bald Shark deluxe."

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

"We, the locals, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the bumpy sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia requests schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the community offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

On the local radio station KSIM, brats ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of apathy to life."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more parched version.