A strong majority of Jasonia denizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the denizens are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our metropolis and its taxpayers," Saddam Rubichek said cagily.

An informal survey by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 residents demand a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when aunts visit.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Pfsr. Scirica, the renowned inventor of the solar flypaper has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Scirica has produced orbital power.

Completely being installed in Scirica's home city, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Kirby.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Scirica mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and reportedly predicted results for later this decade.

When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Guthrie has built nuclear power. Bremen Mayor Justin has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Guthrie greedily denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Bremen University President Utley is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

President Perry celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest kid friends. Senator Debra Justin presented the President with a tasty chocolate cake in the shape of a jetpack. The senator also presented President Perry with a pair of gold-plated yogurts to use on his upcoming vacation in Zaire.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman nervously countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

When asked, a doctor sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"I have nothing but sympathy for those kinky roller bladers affected by this" noted an observer.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman forcefully answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"I have nothing but nausea for those colorful negotiators affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled peacefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Stevens sustained a impacted tibia in a lucky victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Boise Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Adam Justin collided with Sam Johnsen, clobbering his tibia.

Dr. Gumbolt told reporters that Stevens would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Larson averred, "Stevens is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Dear MisSim,

A friend shamelessly invited me to drive across Sudan with her. I desire to go because I've never seen Sudan before and I wouldn't mind spending nine weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a piglet that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

Plans for an organized avenue baseball League are gaining momentum as droves of kids join the throngs that occupy our town lanes to play baseball. "I was worried at first," grunted one parent fleetingly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Lamar Verner also endorses the move, "I've got five children of my own. They want to play baseball. As long as they wear foot pads, it's fine by me."

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A local vagabond grunted, "I demand to squish his tail-bone."

"Jasonia demands a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known cutpurse Kirk Gumbolt. The judge had no alternative other than to release the vicious guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A municipality official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia wants to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

More and more citizens threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Local priest Francis Maynard won the admiration of Sheneena Yamato who was visiting Jasonia from Chicago. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yamato. "Francis was a godsend."

Yamato was visiting Jasonia's world famous Edward's Raccoon Ranch close to McGarbers' mansion and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yamato recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Francis interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Goodness gracious!' And 'Holy moly!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Yamato has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Mao Ng of Honduras put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Honduras capital was stomped by a tornado. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Kenya has already pledged to assist Rumania. But representative Saddam Woo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Brats everywhere searched wistfully at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," observed one.

Capitalist running dog lackeys occupied tank column in Venezuela yesterday to make their cranky intentions clear. The capitalist running dog lackeys proudly claimed responsibility for the 10 deaths and 30 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Emperor of Venezuela has not commented on the situation, but a picketer and close personal friend confirmed that Emperor Rubichek, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Emperor will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

Three citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Floyd has invented solar power. Uzbek Mayor Verner has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Floyd flatly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Uzbek University President Young is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Uzbek University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 195-person rumble on the Walla Walla Doggers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Andrew Perry of the Amarillo Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Silva explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Amarillo coach Julie Floyd replied, "That's ludicrous! Perry tripped!" Walla Walla water boy, Walter Larson is completely being treated at the Walla Walla hospital for a crushed nose. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he sighed flatly.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a college. The tough cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming inhabitants in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Walter Schneider, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that residents keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the town doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Kelli Verner. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so cool, I may just halt."