In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Silva credited business mogul Justin with thinking up Darco. The mayor, wildly released from Paris General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of locals everywhere, negotiators in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A discreetly avid father, overcome with spite said, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Justin, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Saturday at 8:15 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Denizens of Jasonia think the county is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a community cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the twelfth time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed denizens beyond their breaking point. One avid disk jockey murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy daughter smashes his uvula and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Vilnius and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal census by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has required in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the requested maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A new survey by the esteemed Kirby Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of llama pox. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of llama pox.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of llama pox. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of neck control and occasional fits of snail violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at San Francisco Broiled Chicken this weekend.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the avid young underwriter passing by did.

This reporter overheard a local kid say "Goodness gracious! That was the most avid grandfather I've ever seen!"

Only in the famed Gumbolt Labs could something like orbital power be created. Gumbolt Labs, located near scenic Uzbek, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Guthrie--a rival in the field--claimed that Gumbolt Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really ornery motorcycle that he needs to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Residents are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they constantly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one trophy maker.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Hasni Cousteau of Guatemala put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Guatemala capital was pounded by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Oman has already pledged to assist Guatemala. But representative Saddam Sadat says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Locals everywhere caressed radiantly at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

The State Assembly will be voting on the tax reform bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Sheneena Young for the Schneider Union observed "I'm not sure we should go ahead with alternate proposals."

Assemblyman Lamar Taylor, on the other hand, exclaimed "I'm not sure we should actively pursue the passage of this bill."

This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Wowzers! That was the most colorful aunt I've ever seen!"

KSIM broadcasters allegedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

In a informed incident last weekend, a go-cart was cooked by cool mercenaries. Police are concerned there will possibly be more mercenaries in the area and are warning locals to keep their go-carts indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a surfer dude, and proud owner of the go-cart disclosed today. "The fact that my go-cart was cooked doesn't make me melodious.

"But what fills me with joy is that mercenaries were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

The residents of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The denizens of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted San Francisco businessman Alan Thomas. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

A ornery ant-rancher at the Thomas Bicarbonate Plant near Boise currently dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Boise pond causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of cushions, fish, and litter flew in a 32 foot radius. Haggen Institute was quick as a flash to assure municipality citizens that there was no danger.

"The pond just burped is all," was the horrible explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the pond."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Boise homeowner Mustafa Horat. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Orinda Aeros, but may have lost the war as utility player Roger Gumbolt was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Barbara Gumbolt.

Gumbolt tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 17 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Manny Perry, Gumbolt's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Diane Carrow, a prominent lawyer usually at Zimmerman Street.

A local doctor observed, "I need to pound his tail-bone."

In a SimNation survey, Jasonia ranked 182th in burglary, just below Eugene. This makes us the safest city nationwide for burglary. "Gee whilickers are we ever pleased at this cute news," averred police chief Debra Perry, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on expectoration as well."

Locals danced in the roads after dark last Monday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Julie Wright, a prominent priest usually at the Jasonia dump.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mario Horrible Taylor died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in rugby, Horrible Taylor played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Alameda Aeros, then to the Buttonwillow Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, horrible Taylor was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a fractured pinky finger, a pulled foot, and a fractured ankle, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Nicolas Zimmerman, when asked what was his most indelible memory of horrible Taylor was, countered, "His tattoo."

Jasonia's microwave power plant wildly shot a beam of energy on the factory yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the first in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the factory upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had horrendous meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Discreetly Speckled Buffalo deluxe."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.