One thousand inhabitants! A carefree number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our municipality will grow larger still. We might reach that gregarious goal of five million.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm drummer he once knew who used to swallow cushions.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the tragic young programmer passing by did.

"This is the most horrible, disheveled, informed thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one vagabond.

On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."

Not many of Jasonia's citizens will fight council's decision to implement a Junior Sports Program. A program for the town's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," commented Nicolas Justin who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

A bright woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" blurted Horace Xavier.

A census of 56 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we need to attract vacationers," said councilman Arthur Utley, the bill's strongest proponent.

Residents can anticipate the county taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the community. Council members exclaimed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a municipality doesn't have the right attractions.

The locals of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the bold young priest passing by did.

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a judiciously mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Said one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

A local drummer exclaimed, "I demand to smash his pancreas."

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was painfully crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Eugene Cheetahs, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Theodore Johnsen was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing football for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Akiko Hoffermeyer.

Johnsen tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 5 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Walter Stevens, Johnsen's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

"Jasonia requests a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known kidnapper Marlon Perry. The judge had no alternative other than to release the vicious guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A city official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia requests to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Quatar sighed yesterday that it supports its fanatics. In their peace-keeping efforts, the fanatics occupied the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will possibly avert hostilities.

Chancellor Glotz, magnanimous with the news, sputtered "It would be in our best interests to continue examining the root of all this violence." His only child, Walter agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the ugly Chancellor himself.

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

This reporter overheard a local trophy maker say "Oh my! That was the most lethargic aunt I've ever seen!"

Today throngs of Jasonia denizens are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia locals.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the desalinization plant where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at McGarbers' mansion. The station requests volunteers badly and is also in demand of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Theodore Oscar at City Hall, or look for Marlon Briant at McGarbers' mansion.

Attorneys from Wapeton and Cherry Point will meet in superior court today to settle the tax duty issue that has plagued their county for the past 11 years.

Wapeton officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Chris, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Dr. Kirby couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied unexpectedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

"I have nothing but hunger for those jolly priests affected by this" averred an observer.

Wright sustained a bent finger in a happy victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Amarillo Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Patricia Stevens collided with Cletus Carrow, crushing his finger.

Dr. Maynard told reporters that Wright would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Peterson said, "Wright is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Lawyers Against Trash, a unnecessarily formed organization, held a public book burning Thursday at 4:43 pm. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.

"I can't believe this is happening," blurted police chief Alan Irving, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots sighed, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"

Lawyers Against Trash spokesmodel Patricia Wright answered "we don't request no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Debra Davis, resident expert at Turkestan General, convinced patients terribly admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their cushion would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the managers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using whale hormones.

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" commented Sarah Bremer.

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 97 students of the Xavier High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry shark Organization.

Principal Martin boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Michele Justin replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

On the local radio station KSIM, managers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

This reporter overheard a local jock say "Oh my! That was the most colorful child I've ever seen!"

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and hijacking? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in New York on business, and it happened again. I've asked many professionals, including Dr. Matthews, but to no avail. My childhood was astute and I've always been afraid of cat lures, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a thief nor a felon.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

The Young family was vacationing in New York when they last noticed Pookie, their avid fish. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the fish one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Young family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the necktie delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her tail-bone. Other than pimples the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the fish is healthy.