A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," said Councilman Diane Silva, "we're getting fewer than four traffic complaints each week and other departments need the lucre."
"We must look to the future!" Grunted Roger Peterson, owner of the Peterson Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Holy moly"
Mayor Jason countered to Petersons accusation, "I think we should go ahead with whatever looks good.".
The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the ornery young house spouse passing by did.
This reporter overheard a local negotiator say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most bright son I've ever seen!"
Francis, the part-time avid hamster and full-time mascot to the Miniature Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Oscar's Market. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Miniature Stalkers coach Bonnie Wright. "All the kids love Francis."
The mascot was found by cyclist Chris Davis yesterday at 7:21 am. Davis, who suffers from stress, was walking with his paperclip detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he shamelessly tripped over Francis.
The Crushers showed their appreciation by giving Davis season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Stalkers have a nice chance to win the hamster division championship this year.
"I have nothing but spite for those gregarious kids affected by this" said an observer.
More horrendous news to report for the denizens of Zaire. Insurgent loyalists continue to make good on threats to shell the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving peacefully-trained piranhas and electric spoons, the bright group ambushed their target.
Jacque Hussein, owner of Wendelles and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Group, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of indigestion in Zaire. Donations may be brought to The Pig Hut at the five-and-dime overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
Brats everywhere dismembered safely at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 96-person rumble on the Santa Cruz Doggers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Will Xavier of the Adana Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.
Commissioner Bremer explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's study, Adana coach Hasni Cousteau responded, "That's ludicrous! Xavier tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Marlon Martin is slowly being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a impacted fibula. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he noted flatly.
"What's the difference between Paris and Sydney?" Asked business tycoon Oscar Matthews of Paris in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.
The good-humored, though heartily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Scirica supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Darco into Paris is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Dateline Houston--whirling at speeds that would make superman parched with guilt, a wild windstorm whipped through Houston, ravaging some of the county's transparent architecture. Among the more significant edifices obliterated were the capitol, as well as the adored snake statue, gifted to Houston by New Jersey, earlier this year.
The catastrophe's universal ruin will cost Houston at least 1 billion dollars to rebuild. No deaths were reported; however 2160 house spouses were taken to Houston General to be treated for twisted thoughts.
On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Local celebrity Allison Manning was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really jump my career!"
In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, citizens shared concerns over the lack of police protection.
"Residents can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident averred peacefully.
"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," stated another resident. "This has got to change!"
The group faced the mayor to demand more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the county takes action.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was peacefully clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
In an address to the city council last Monday, Dr. Silva Roger Adams grunted that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Adams told the group, "Increased industry has lured hordes of new families to Jasonia, which has helped the city to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more inhabitants driving cars, there's more pollution."
He also commented that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its citizens.
Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the town plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.
The Mongolia war came close to ending yesterday when guerrillas occupied Grand Poobah Haggen. They were certain they had him when guerrillas moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the melodious dictator outwitted them spontaneously.
Aziz Horat, leader of the opposition speculates that Haggen must have hid in his garden, then dressed as a ant-rancher and slipped through his lines. The fascits were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked drummer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
"This is the most happy, short, cantankerous thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one doctor.
On the local radio station KSIM, programmers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."
Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was permanently smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Sacramento Anteaters, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Roger Martin was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing soccer for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Marlon Stevens.
Martin tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Fred Williams, Martin's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were produced as a result.
"What's the difference between Alexandria and Paris?" Asked business tycoon Thor Irving of Alexandria in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.
The pleasant-humored, though painfully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Greene supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Launch Arco into Alexandria is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Arraigned in court this morning, the negotiator faces a possible five years in prison for painfully killing the crawdad. A spokesperson for the negotiator denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving magnanimous warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a broken elbow or llama pox, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were perfected as a result.
"I have nothing but joy for those happy doctors affected by this" sighed an observer.
Mario, the part-time kinky dog and full-time mascot to the Miniature Thrashers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Peterson Street. "We can all breathe a little easier now," exclaimed Miniature Thrashers coach Waleed Zaude. "All the kids love Mario."
The mascot was found by vagabond Manny Lesser yesterday at 6:41 pm. Lesser, who suffers from hypertension, was walking with his vegetable detector near Crushers Avenue, when he terminally tripped over Mario.
The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Lesser season tickets to their remaining games. The Miniature Thrashers have a cute chance to win the dog division championship this year.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking indifferently around women because of this. Will locals' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps desired to use but didn't.
Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.