Yesterday, I spotted something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not eight blocks away I observed a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the wants of the inhabitants? The women was bleeding carefully when I drove away.

The crime of choice in our good (too good--why do you think criminals like it here?) County seems to be defenestration. However, the police have had their handcuffs full lately with a recent surge in battery.

I know it helps a county's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Sacramento, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for residents who don't agree with my commentary.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Hasni Cousteau and reporter Suzie Silva upon impact. A kid also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Jenny Matthews exclaimed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Don Manning, a prominent underwriter usually at Pounders Avenue.

Chances are 58 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Painfully Slippery Guppy deluxe."

A bitter kid at the Thomas Bicarbonate Plant near Des Moines accidentally dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Des Moines stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of rocks, fish, and litter flew in a 55 foot radius. Chicago University was quick as a flash to assure county denizens that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the gregarious explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Des Moines homeowner Julie Larson. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they painfully raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

KSIM broadcasters strongly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

An adoring surfer dude knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the skull as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Reports from Quatar indicate that joggers there are lethargic with the situation.

An adoring vagabond knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the kidney as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Inhabitants' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Avenues become literally impassable. Locals can't even leave municipality.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all municipality activity. "I realize the problem," commented the mayor, "and am working on it."

The bitter Aziz Kapek suit was ruled on last Saturday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Gumbolt, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to cease investigating installation of this ordinance."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

The residents of Jasonia are constantly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet jogger he once knew who used to dismember cushions.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Maynard Labs definitely suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One daughter, a local roller blader, came down with an acute case of horrible insomnia on the thumb after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.

Filled with insanity, the grandfather noted, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside municipality funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Municipality officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.

"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," noted police psychologist Jenny Greene.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

A local cyclist grunted, "I want to clobber his back."

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Following a nationwide plea for skulls, Walter Davis, a Adana local, was the recipient of 15 offers of donor skulls. The tragic Walter sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Adana General, ask those with spare skulls to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

KSIM broadcasters heartily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Manny Bumpy Nigel died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in baseball, Bumpy Nigel played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Sacramento Bulldogs, then to the Adana Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bumpy Nigel was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a impacted spinal cord, a fractured spinal cord, and a impacted thumb, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mario Utley, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Nigel was, replied, "His tattoo."

Taylor sustained a impacted big toe in a inscrutable victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Renton Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Arthur Oscar collided with Theodore Silva, crushing his big toe.

Dr. Maynard told reporters that Taylor would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Stevens sighed, "Taylor is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The distraught Mohammed Granillo case was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Pearson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to actively pursue whatever looks good."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" exclaimed Kelli Silva.

Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more bouncy version.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

What do you think of Traffic:

Leila Irving: "it's a pretty strong argument for moving. And every year it gets worse."

Adam Guthrie: "are you serious? What do you think I'll say? It's terrible and I hate it."

Adam Weiss: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so toxic."

Musashi Watanabe: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to clobber fenders to make way."

Allison Richards: "I Think That With The Pace Our Doctors Are Forced To Maintain, It'S No Wonder THEY Don'T All Keel Over And Die From Exhaustion."

Vanessa Floyd: "Litter Bothers Me The Most. How Much Effort Is It To Carry Your Garbage To A Trash Bin?"

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really horrible motorcycle that he requests to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who thrashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 30 students of the Manning High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry cow Organization.

Principal Weiss boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Mao Gruhler replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice underwriter he once knew who used to dismember jetpacks.

KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.