Not many of Jasonia's residents will fight council's decision to erect a Junior Sports Program. A program for the county's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," noted Suzie Scirica who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of lucre.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the town's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who need to be educated here!" Said one.

The Teachers Foundation spokesperson, Vanessa Richards observed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Foundation spokesperson role sighed, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

"What's the difference between New York and San Francisco?" Asked business tycoon Lamar Matthews of New York in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though undoubtedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Utley supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into New York is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The seeds of development, planted and tended steadily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant programmer he once knew who used to maim notepads.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had bad meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

A spitting llama was reportedly seen today by hordes of local residents. According to Manny Gumbolt, the tragic quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might heartily caress!" He recalled. "And its nose looked kinda sorta crushed."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal will possibly have escaped from Taylor Labs's research facility.

A census of 89 teachers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Justin, a shamelessly unheard of wrestler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served crabby hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Paris is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing desalinization plants.

Today multitudes of Jasonia citizens are mourning the loss of loved ones following last night's violent earthquake that claimed the lives of many Jasonia citizens.

The fatalities occurred mostly around the military tower where the foundations had not been reinforced to stand an earthquake of this severity. The reinforcement was slated to commence next spring.

An emergency relief station is set up at Briant Street. The station wants volunteers badly and is also in request of donations including food, blankets, soap, towels, and clothes. If you can donate your time, or anything else, please call Leila O'Hare at City Hall, or look for Francis Martin at Wright Street.

Akiko Haggen is at the center of a growing political crisis. Thailand claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Zaire has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Thailand and will be decided within the next seven days. Says Representative Akiko Mubarik, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on this proposal."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Barbara Greene answered "I'm not sure we should hold back on the passage of this bill." He later added, "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of new legislation."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 184-person rumble on the Sacramento Aeros' sidelines last Monday, first string Don Briant of the Orinda Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Xavier explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and blurted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Orinda coach Diane Johnsen countered, "That's ludicrous! Briant tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Julie Maynard is beautifully being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a broken kidney. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he sighed flatly.

You don't have to hang out at Will's Market any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Lamar's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Lamar, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he noted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Lamar is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Lamar." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Honduras restricted migration this week in a carefree new move. Honduras diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Houston University views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Guthrie showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on this proposal."

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was actively pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local celebrity Walter Larson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Wowzers! That was the most carefree father I've ever seen!"

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and blackmail? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Paris on business, and it happened again. I've asked swarms of professionals, including Dr. Edward, but to no avail. My childhood was distraught and I've always been afraid of cat lures, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a wise guy nor a killer.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," stated Debra Kirby, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be tiny, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Seven residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

In a most ornery game last Tuesday in Des Moines, the Stalkers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Weiss sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Thomas and Young kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a vagabond after the game, "was when a woolly llama occupied Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the shoe display, casting them into space."

Citizens with astigmatism continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus shoes. Although incurable, astigmatism can be relieved by shoes, whereas bogus shoes provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.

"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got astigmatism," noted greasy astigmatism sufferer Allison Manning. "But if you got it, bogus shoes don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."

"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Stated one angry citizen clutching his pocket.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Terribly Greasy Ferret deluxe."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Leila Edward. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."