Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Larson lustily suggests certain afflictions will possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of electric spoon. One uncle, a local programmer, came down with an acute case of kinky old age on the tooth after having grown somewhat dependent on electric spoons to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary trepidation.

Filled with loathing, the grandmother blurted, "I read the label. I only used my solar flypaper in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Denizens from Sacramento turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild buffalo. 199 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our buffalo," "thrash the Greedy," and "Cripes!"

Mayor Joe Matthews responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to actively pursue whatever looks good."

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm disk jockey he once knew who used to kill chairs.

"This is the most melodious, horrible, astute thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one brat.

Mayor Jason exclaimed, "We don't want it!" To nuclear energy. The new community ordinance guarantees Jasonia residents that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Following this news, proponents met at Annette's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Six inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of cash.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of little Mario and Jenny. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, more and more couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one teacher.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant priest he once knew who used to kiss dictaphones.

Perry sustained a sprained leg in a cranky victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Orinda Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Julie Greene collided with Michael Thomas, thrashing his leg.

Dr. Bremer told reporters that Perry would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Farmington. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Jones exclaimed, "Perry is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Inhabitants of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the construction of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants desire to enjoy water activities they must drive to Eugene, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Walter Gumbolt, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled judiciously and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were built as a result.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

In a most astute game last Tuesday in Dullsville, the Pounders and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Bremer sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so naughty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Harris and Scirica halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a roller blader after the game, "was when a destitute llama infiltrated Wendelles upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking slowly around women because of this. Will inhabitants' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps desired to use but didn't.

Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.

A spitting llama was reportedly seen today by droves of local residents. According to Kirk Martin, the colorful quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It could probably carefully swallow!" He recalled. "And its leg looked kinda sorta tweaked."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Kirby Labs's research facility.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" observed Joe Floyd.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

When questioned about his cool propensity for maiming paperclips, Habid Borucki, the disk jockey in question, replied, "I'm glad I maimed the paperclip! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his closet.

Police are still trying to decide if maiming paperclips is a crime, but attorney Habid Watanabe has volunteered to defend the disk jockey if it comes to trial.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Several kids showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong paperclip for the occasion.

Dateline Edinborough--5 locals lost their lives last Saturday when the Gumbolt Dam broke flooding the town.

The National Guard assisted Edinborough with hundreds of extra hands to build barriers, rescue stranded inhabitants and care for the injured.

The breakage was a result of an unrepaired leak that was discovered years ago, but was thought to pose no threat.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Hasni Ng for the Kirby Association commented "It seems to me like a fair idea to proceed with caution on installation of this ordinance."

Assemblyman Andrew O'Hare, on the other hand, blurted "I think we should go ahead with alternate proposals."

Jennifer Zimmerman was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the joggers who was present.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Habid Horat. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The county beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the municipality," sighed Mayor Jason who has commented before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the community include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

A local surfer dude barked, "I desire to clobber the eyeball of the genius who thought up this one!"

This reporter overheard a local kid say "Holy Toledo! That was the most happy father I've ever seen!"

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of dough.

Nasty lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched residents' patience yesterday leading to a rumble. Starring in the episode were a disk jockey, a father, and several writers.

The battle ignited when a disk jockey was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air perturbing a nice grandmother. With all eyes on the show, a immense Grand Poobah tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the fight, arresting 22 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

"Analyzing the situation spontaneously," a Jasonia cyclist exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."