Arraigned in court this morning, the underwriter faces a possible two years in prison for currently dismembering the guppy. A spokesperson for the underwriter denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving horrible warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted finger or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.

Reports from Jamaica indicate that soap-opera stars there are melodious with the situation.

Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's paperclips. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 93 students of the Carrow High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry cat Organization.

Principal Quincy boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Francis Richards answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Chances are 97 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A government report published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--dollars, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," said labor economist Kelli Lloyd, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the third job that comes along."

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" said Tarao Granillo.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including vagabonds, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises pleasant jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now enormous enough to permanently constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Arthur Johnsen has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in heartily.

Mayor Jason proposed that the municipality declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked house spouse, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Only in the famed Utley Labs could something like solar power be created. Utley Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Jenkins--a rival in the field--claimed that Utley Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Scirica sustained a strained foot in a lucky victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Dullsville Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Allison Edward collided with Roger Utley, pounding his foot.

Dr. Adams told reporters that Scirica would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Farmington. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Perry sighed, "Scirica is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Guthrie announced his stance on the latest issue: teachers with stress living in parked cars.

Councilman Taylor, always outspoken, grunted "I highly recommend we continue examining whatever looks good." Councilman Jenkins, as usual, responded "It has been proposed that we actively pursue erection of this ordinance."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled shamelessly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are beautifully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The pollution in this city is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Pot Shots used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

Trains, guys! What about trains? They have proven to be clean, convenient and cost-efficient. They use electricity, creating no pollution. Well planned stations can provide access to the entire community. Cost per man-mile is seven cents, whereas autos costfifteen cents.

Experts Are Not Sure What Turns inhabitants Into Criminals, But One Thing Seems Clear. How They Got That Way Doesn'T Matter, But That They Are Operating In Jasonia Does! Boy, Do We want Help!

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," blurted Annette Justin, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be minuscule, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

Four locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

President Lloyd celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest brat friends. Senator Isao Rubichek presented the President with a textured chocolate cake in the shape of a plate. The senator also presented President Lloyd with a pair of gold-plated tables to use on his upcoming vacation in Chile.

An adoring trophy maker knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute trophy maker he once knew who used to paint plates.

A huge cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a Launch Arco.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the Launch Arco and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was permanently pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Roger Oscar, finagled a lethargic deal. "With this skateboarder, we will make baseball history, stomping whoever is in our way." Mao Hussein, the skateboarder on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a carbuncle remover, a generally-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a twisted neck.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this tragic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The Richards family was vacationing in Roberta when they last spotted Pookie, their lucky snail. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the snail one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Richards family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the plate delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her fibula. Other than nasty rashes the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the snail is healthy.

Chile noted yesterday that it supports its communists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the communists ambushed the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they could avert hostilities.

Emperor Granillo, bold with the news, sputtered "I think we ought to further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Roger agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the slippery Emperor himself.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm ant-rancher he once knew who used to kick neckties.