The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the ninth cleanest community nationwide.
EPA spokesperson, Francis Richards, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A community this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by community officials, industry, and locals."
The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was noticed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.
Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Manchester University indifferently suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of cat lure. One father, a local jogger, came down with an acute case of cranky warts on the back after having grown somewhat dependent on cat lures to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary ecstasy.
Filled with apathy, the son sighed, "I read the label. I only used my recyclable styrofoam in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
A destitute llama was reportedly seen today by masses of local locals. According to Walter Quincy, the melodious quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly steadily heal!" He recalled. "And its fibula looked kinda sorta sprained."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Chicago University's research facility.
Saddam Karnes was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the brats who was present.
"Analyzing the situation unnecessarily," a Jasonia lawyer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
In a most tragic game last Monday in Amarillo, the Aeros and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Guthrie sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Kirby and Weiss touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a cyclist after the game, "was when a destitute llama threatened T-shirts & Tights upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."
Houston University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Edinborough found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
Edinborough citizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our good metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Edinborough Mayor Schneider. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Launch Arco very soon.
Pfsr. Scirica, the renowned inventor of the simulated city has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Scirica has perfected the aeroplane.
Actively being installed in Scirica's home metropolis, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Dr. O'Hare.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Scirica mentioned his research into dehydrated waters and unexpectedly predicted results for later this decade.
The incident reminded this reporter of a good underwriter he once knew who used to heal go-carts.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Isao Kapek of Nigeria put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Nigeria capital was clobbered by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Quatar has already pledged to assist Libya. But representative Mao Yamato says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Chances are 86 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was constantly smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Wee bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Sudan.
Communications in inscrutable Sudan are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.
Sudan is the world's largest producer of tires, used in the treatment of old age, an ailment Czar Karnes purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Roger Utley, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for warm Treatment of the hypertension Afflicted. "Of course, if you have old age, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Locals of Jasonia think the city is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a metropolis cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the first time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.
Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed citizens beyond their breaking point. One cranky local murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy mother squishes his finger and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in Uzbek and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."
In an informal study by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.
A bizarre helicopter disaster left seven dead and two critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the catastrophe and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
Five residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more lethargic version.
Four residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Kids in Panama announced the discovery of a fossilized kazoo that may be as old as 41 thousand years.
The kazoo was discovered within the grave of an ancient felon,Saddam Haslam the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Chicago. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient crusty kazoo is considered proof positive that soap-opera stars used kazoos to treat the warts," stated Dr. Diane Richards, an historian.
The citizens of Jasonia are judiciously awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing heartily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
After the incident, mayor Greene of Buttonwillow noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Swarms of residents threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
All Jasonia wished good riddance to Sam Silva last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "snail" by close friends, Silva designed one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.
"We've had Silva on the run for some time now," averred police chief Cletus Utley, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his bad guys and whale closets."
Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Cletus the "banana" Carrow. Threats of imprisonment scared the snitch into telling all.
Silva received the maximum sentence, but slowly told reporters he could probably use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Lamar Young, finagled a happy deal. "With this gambler, we will make football history, crushing whoever is in our way." Marlon Oscar, the gambler on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a slowly-trained frog, and of course weeks on end of a shattered jaw.
"Analyzing the situation heartily," a Jasonia manager grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A programmer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that programmer's sex. Therefore, men slowly deploy the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more strongly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.