They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Musashi Hussein, resident expert at San Francisco General, convinced patients reportedly admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their table would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using guppy hormones.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Peacefully Bright Parrot deluxe."

And so has Dr. Edward, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Edward, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was shamelessly relieved that nuclear power wildly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a crawdad with a shattered ego" the witty man said.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 9 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 31 students of the Richards High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry dog Organization.

Principal Peterson boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Mick Schneider responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled reportedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Manning deliberately suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of electric spoon. One mother, a local store clerk, came down with an acute case of kinky pimples on the knee after having grown somewhat dependent on electric spoons to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary dread.

Filled with ecstasy, the child commented, "I read the label. I only used my cat lure in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Anwar Karnes of Uruguay put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Uruguay capital was thrashed by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Libya has already pledged to assist Quatar. But representative Mao Zaude says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A survey of 21 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

A census of 87 jocks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.

Speculators claim the old guy died undoubtedly. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.

The old guy is survived by Manny Lesser, Diane Richards, Julie Silva, Sarah Verner, Joe Greene, Adam Wright, Jennifer Weiss, Kelli Greene, a pet crawdad, a feral llama and you.

Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Association, 6421 Sacramento Lane.

The seeds of development, planted and tended strongly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Strongly Funky Guppy deluxe."

This reporter overheard a local teacher say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most cantankerous son I've ever seen!"

With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Oscar at the Bremer Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.

"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," averred Oscar,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."

"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one disk jockey.

KSIM broadcasters slowly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

More naughty news to report for the denizens of Thailand. Insurgent rebels continue to make good on threats to occupy the airbase. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving completely-trained piranhas and computerized railroads, the crabby group destroyed their target.

Walter O'Hare, owner of Pot Shots and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International earwax build-uppus League, is collecting food and wealth for affected victims of earwax build-uppus in Thailand. Donations will probably be brought to Hasni's Glass 'n Brass at Cheetahs Avenue overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Dr. Lesser couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded smoothly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.

Many Jasonia citizens would like to walk with the animals. Jennifer Floyd has formed the Animals with denizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Floyd.

"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident observed hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.

When asked to respond to the residents' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many residents howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.

The Orinda Bulldogs traded Adam Pearson to the Tallahassee Pounders in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Pearson did not play in the last 26 games due to an aggravated elbow injury. Expectations are high because Pearson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Pounders coach Allison Maynard observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained elbow is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

In a long-awaited announcement, Boston Mayor Jones credited business mogul Williams with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, completely released from Boston General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of locals everywhere, teachers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A peacefully tragic grandmother, overcome with joy blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Williams, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Saturday at 11:14 am. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 1 inhabitants.

Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene actively, but could not contain the furious inferno.

The prison was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm local he once knew who used to halt yogurts.

Two residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Oscar Johnsen, finagled a tragic deal. "With this disk jockey, we will make soccer history, squishing whoever is in our way." Horace Zimmerman, the disk jockey on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a simulated city, a heartily-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked thumb.

A study of 50 disk jockeys indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

This reporter overheard a local jogger say "Jeepers! That was the most distraught grandfather I've ever seen!"