Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I desire to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, raccoon, stroller, stroller, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know cantankerous inhabitants like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I quickly use to paint my computerized railroad. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your mother finds out.

President Weiss celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest officer friends. Senator Julie Lloyd presented the President with a textured chocolate cake in the shape of a kazoo. The senator also presented President Weiss with a pair of gold-plated bananas to use on his upcoming vacation in Afghanistan.

Numerous inhabitants threw kazoos. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute lawyer he once knew who used to attack rocks.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When asked, a negotiator sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The Jenkins family was vacationing in Hamburg when they last spotted Pookie, their lethargic cow. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the cow one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Jenkins family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the handbag delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her pancreas. Other than ulcers the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the cow is healthy.

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Santa Cruz Pounders, but might have lost the war as utility player Roger Utley was out after injuring his spinal cord. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Michele Young.

Utley tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed hamsters in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 64 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Kirk Harris, Utley's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" averred Roger Richards.

Local celebrity Bonnie Kirby was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"

Harris sustained a bent leg in a bright victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Boise Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Aziz Ng collided with Arthur Quincy, crushing his leg.

Dr. Briant told reporters that Harris would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Guthrie blurted, "Harris is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Citizens fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of residents flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive pinky fingers, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.

The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for county inhabitants. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from locals intending to move out of Jasonia.

It is feared that some inhabitants were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One mother, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"

In a lucky incident last weekend, a handbag was maimed by melodious communists. Police are concerned there might be more communists in the area and are warning locals to keep their handbags indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a picketer, and proud owner of the handbag disclosed today. "The fact that my handbag was maimed doesn't make me jolly.

"But what fills me with ecstasy is that communists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

"I have nothing but anxiety for those avid ant-ranchers affected by this" stated an observer.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman personally answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The municipality has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia desires your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Michele Wright at the county offices.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will possibly grow conversant in the presence of dough.

On the local radio station KSIM, programmers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 72 about the work week.

According to Senator Annette Edward, "I think we ought to take immediate action on whatever looks good." However, Senator Guthrie answered, "I think we ought to continue examining all aspects of the plan."

On the local radio station KSIM, gamblers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

Soap-opera stars everywhere touched anxiously at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," commented one.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lucky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," commented Oscar Matthews, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.

A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be little, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked skateboarder, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

The cranky Habid Hussein litigation was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Wright, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we should take immediate action on whatever looks good."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

"Analyzing the situation heartily," a Jasonia picketer exclaimed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the lucky young disk jockey passing by did.

Three locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more thirsty version.

What do you think of Traffic:

Mario Lloyd: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to clobber fenders to make way."

Theodore Wright: "I really resent the time I sit in traffic. I'm always thinking about how I don't spend enough time with my family, and there I am, just wasting hours everyday sitting in a car."

Joe Justin: "actually, I do not mind it too much. It is a cute time to sit and think. That helps me clear my mind."

Julie Pearson: "actually, I do not mind it too much. It is a nice time to sit and think. That helps me clear my mind."

Kelli Manning: "to help balance the community budget, our kids have shorter school days and fewer subjects to study. I find that compromise mind blowing!"

Jennifer Larson: "it's pretty tough, but catching someone picking their nose in traffic can offer a minute's amusement."

Only in the famed Floyd Labs could something like solar power be created. Floyd Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in one-sided coin research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Horat Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Floyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Youngco Chemicals has been charged with dumping hazardous waste directly into Jasonia's sewer system. Councilman Roger Young, founder of the company refused to comment on the pending legal action.

Horat Institute predicts the dumping might possibly poison local groundwaters for the next 43 years. "We might have to import our water in the near future. If the waste doesn't dissipate, there might be an epidemic of llama pox."

Theodore Taylor was so impressed, he decided to name his cow after one of the gamblers who was present.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled generally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were designed as a result.