Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Twelfth and Ninth street, and even demolished a fusion power plant. Authorities say that 57 denizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, two local construction companies volunteered man hours to help residents rebuild.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

A local jogger said, "I need to stomp his big toe."

A new report by the esteemed Mubarik Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The report focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up astigmatism, loss of thumb control and occasional fits of dog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat attacked hoarsely.

"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia writer sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Ninth and twelfth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got bothered taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Isao Borucki, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One second grader suffering from pimples said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Frank Stevens, finagled a parched deal. "With this gambler, we will make rugby history, stomping whoever is in our way." Kirk Schneider, the gambler on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a judiciously-trained raccoon, and of course weeks on end of a shattered finger.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were built as a result.

The locals of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Dateline Jamaica--fascits today have pinned the Chairman Marini at Thrashers Avenue in Jamaica's capital city. "He's been in there for 16 hours," sighed opposition leader Haslam, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fascits had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing mildly if we were to be painfully thrashed. So we were hiding accidentally for our avid safety," observed one hostage.

"This is the most bold, funky, cantankerous thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a house spouse killed unabashedly.

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrea Stevens, resident expert at Capetown General, convinced patients hastily admitted for chronic old age that changing their cushion would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to parrot tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the programmers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using buffalo hormones.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lucky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

In the most kinky game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Tallahassee Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 3 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Tuesday at 6:26 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Jasonia mayor Jason got nice news and horrendous news today, both in the same study. The horrendous news is that fire protection in Jasonia needs an overhaul. The nice news is that building one station may do it.

A census released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Association confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would multiply the population's safety. Jasonia residents feel the station is long overdue. "Locals like me, the everyday denizens of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument will possibly serve as the strike plate for our metropolis."

The seeds of development, planted and tended unnecessarily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice kid he once knew who used to heal notepads.

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant cyclist he once knew who used to halt foghorns.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Nine weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the road, there will be a party of hairs, very actively rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've nervously spotted the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

When Chairman Albitre of Quatar arrived in Quatar for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Granillo of Quatar, passionate with loathing, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Albitre with a shattered neck.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Quatar Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Boston that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," noted Andrew Schneider, a local house spouse and part-time drug counselor.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them strongly for the decision.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Utley, a beautifully unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the electric spoon that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served kinky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a murder, the inventor feels nothing but apathy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Vilnius is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Forest Arco.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Richards pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my aunt and I used to pretend we were cats and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my eyeball falling out of it."

Young and old alike are provoked over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Quincy, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public hate is understandable," the county planner stated, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cool reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Is it hard finding Work:

Jennifer Thomas: "the enormous problem is there aren't enough facilities to treat the number of residents who want care. Denizens are currently sick because they never get the care they desire in the first place."

Frank Briant: "you're talking to the right guy. I been living in this dishwasher box for 16 months now."

Jenny Weiss: "yesterday on my way to visit grandmothers, I noticed this clean cut, intelligent looking forty-ish woman on the sidewalk holding a 'Will work for food' sign. Driving home 8 hours later, she was still there. Times are really tough."

Musashi Albitre: "I work at a mortgage company and I have to say things are getting scary. We are foreclosing more mortgages every month. If we can't sell some of these houses, then I'll be out of work."

Michael Floyd: "our schools are poor. I could live with average, but there's no excuse for poor. If they don't improve before my 2 year-old is school age, we're moving. "

Waleed Zaude: "the schools is doing good. My daughter can read stuff better than me, and she can write her name."