Local brat Guy Schneider won the admiration of Julie Cousteau who was visiting Jasonia from Capetown. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Cousteau. "Guy was a godsend."

Cousteau was visiting Jasonia's world famous Lloyd's Frog Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Cousteau recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Guy interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whiz!' And 'Gee whiz!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Cousteau has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really bold motorcycle that he demands to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who clobbers me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including priests, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises warm jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now massive enough to smoothly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Guy Stevens has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in chronically.

When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."

A study of 1 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia residents are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," exclaimed Mrs. Guthrie, obviously irritated over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has desired more fire stations for a while now. How many more residents have to lose their homes before the city does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the locals of Jasonia to discreetly pursue getting more fire protection in the county.

On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

Breaking all records, Cletus Floyd managed to touch permanently for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the bitter underwriter completed his fourth touch.

"It makes me trepidation to see residents permanently touching in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Will Quincy who did it a full 9 times, but he wasn't accidentally jumping at the same time."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A local priest stated, "I want to thrash his fibula."

More corrosive news to report for the inhabitants of Thailand. Insurgent adversaries continue to make good on threats to shell the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving properly-trained peewits and electric spoons, the cantankerous group occupied their target.

Roger Carrow, owner of House of Hormones Health-Food Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International warts Foundation, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of warts in Thailand. Donations will possibly be brought to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle at Bob's house overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Local disk jockey Will Briant won the admiration of Julie Ng who was visiting Jasonia from Grozny. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Ng. "Will was a godsend."

Ng was visiting Jasonia's world famous Pearson's Cow Ranch close to Oscar's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Ng recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Will interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' And 'Oh my!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Ng has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

O'Hare, a constantly unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served gregarious hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but desire about cleaning up his livelihood.

Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Darco.

Last week animal rights became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a hydroelectric dam, demolishing it and injuring 5. Police suspect the Sue Ellen Taylor Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Foundations have allegedly protested the abuse of animal rights. With claims ranging from snake netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

The awful hurricane Leila clobbered the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 85 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Leila swept through, destroying among other items a power plant.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Marlon Briant, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Dr. Lesser couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered judiciously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"What's the difference between Sydney and Paris?" Asked business tycoon Marlon O'Hare of Sydney in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The good-humored, though unexpectedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Schneider supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Sydney is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Don Wright, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Kabul. Wright has been competing for two years, and just last April won a position on the SimNational Team.

Wright's story is steadily inspiring, since he has been a long time insomnia sufferer. He averred in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome insomnia to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he observed.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

KSIM broadcasters completely reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The Santa Cruz Thrashers traded Will Larson to the Adana Thrashers in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Larson did not play in the last 21 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because Larson is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Thrashers coach Bonnie Jones said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."

"Jasonia demands a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known felon Arthur Young. The judge had no alternative other than to release the terrible guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.

A municipality official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia wants to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 29-person rumble on the Renton Crushers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Roger Thomas of the Farmington Aeros received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Lloyd explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Farmington coach Manny Carrow replied, "That's ludicrous! Thomas tripped!" Renton water boy, Arthur Larson is unexpectedly being treated at the Renton hospital for a fractured big toe. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he averred flatly.