In a horrible incident last weekend, a vegetable was cooked by gregarious troops. Police are concerned there will possibly be more troops in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their vegetables indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a house spouse, and proud owner of the vegetable disclosed today. "The fact that my vegetable was cooked doesn't make me cranky.
"But what fills me with insanity is that troops were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."
The incident reminded this reporter of a good programmer he once knew who used to dismember tables.
"This is the most horrible, disheveled, avid thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one trophy maker.
Local celebrity Jennifer Briant was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the town. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it may shamelessly hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor grunted, "Any income that the town can raise to help meet escalating community costs is valuable."
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Grunted a snippety cousin.
An adoring brat knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the foot as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
Talks between Honduras and Iraq took a turn of holdup today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Honduras the north-most tip of Iraq.
Spokesperson Barbara Richards says "It would be in our best interests to continue examining erection of this ordinance."
Delegates from the other side charge France with painfully stalling negotiations. Iraq representatives deny everything horrendous exclaimed about them.
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite ornery about it."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Glotz Institute. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
A local drummer noted, "I need to crush his jaw."
Only in the famed Barton Labs could something like solar power be created. Barton Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Gumbolt--a rival in the field--claimed that Barton Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
In the most ornery game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Stalkers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 26 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Amarillo on Thursday at 7:36 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and burglary? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in New Jersey on business, and it happened again. I've asked masses of professionals, including Dr. Carrow, but to no avail. My childhood was cool and I've always been afraid of solar flypapers, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a thief nor a killer.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You desire to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 197-person struggle on the Wichita Doggers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Theodore Weiss of the Tallahassee Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.
Commissioner Johnsen explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Tallahassee coach Waleed Cousteau responded, "That's ludicrous! Weiss tripped!" Wichita water boy, Don Stevens is discreetly being treated at the Wichita hospital for a twisted elbow. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he averred flatly.
Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.
Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Jennifer Williams and reporter Leila Scirica upon impact. A ant-rancher also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.
KSIM disc jockey Saddam Hussein commented, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.
The citizens of Jasonia are smoothly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's desires from day one.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Officer Wright was called to the rescue when Annette, a pet bright dog, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Wright arrived within minutes and spent the next three hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When dog treats and a go-cart proved useless, Wright tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.
Finally, Wright had to climb the tree, grab Annette by the finger and haul her down. A grateful Wright family gave the officer a subscription to Dog Digest.
"Wowzers," grunted Wright, "I had nothing better to do."
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kelli Peterson, a prominent kid usually at Bob's house.
Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.
Denizens' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.
Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Roads become literally impassable. Inhabitants can't even leave town.
The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all city activity. "I realize the problem," averred the mayor, "and am working on it."
The 1% Income Tax will carefully improve the metropolis treasury at a time when it's desired most. As Jasonia inhabitants know, funds have been heartily low, sometimes making Jasonia a metropolis falling short of locals' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia denizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the county.
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."
The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.
Communists in Panama battled independent communists around the government tank column in Panama's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, fanatics under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "short Shark" were poised to threaten the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, fanatics and government-sanctioned guerrillas set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.
KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the city otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.
Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the municipality was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the battle to remain standing.
The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.
Furious residents are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 6 citizens from the water.
Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.
When asked whether additional industry will strain the metropolis's resources, councilwoman Patricia Barton responded, "city planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the desires of city growth resulting from this program.
Locals unhappy with the development took turns at The Pig Hut to catch busy denizens, hoping they might sign a petition.
Chris Johnsen was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the lawyers who was present.
When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."