A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's locals. 64 locals showed up to express their desire for a park in Jasonia. "Our municipality has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," grunted one cranky attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia denizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," noted one magnanimous young doctor.

When Dictator Haggen of Libya arrived in Venezuela for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Hoffermeyer of Libya, passionate with desire, halted uncontrollably, leaving Haggen with a pulled tooth.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Venezuela Hospital commented that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Dear MisSim,

A friend reportedly invited me to drive across Oman with her. I request to go because I've never seen Oman before and I wouldn't mind spending seven weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a cat that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't want to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.

What first attracted swarms of citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the community, an act denizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," exclaimed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a metropolis like Jasonia once was."

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked biochemist, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Not many of Jasonia's inhabitants will fight council's decision to implement a Junior Sports Program. A program for the city's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," averred Suzie Schneider who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Heated up over the news, a cranky spouse called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

One thousand citizens! A bitter number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that bold goal of five million.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

Local celebrity Akiko Marini was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

When mommy and daddy are both working all day, someone's got to take care of minuscule Oscar and Kelli. Local daycare businesses have expanded to fill the increasing need of working parents.

Daycare businesses have always had a presence in Jasonia because of working parents' need for it. But now, with a plethora of excellent job options, many couples who before chose a single income lifestyle, leaving one parent at home to raise junior, have changed their minds. They just can't pass up the lucrative opportunity to be a dual-income household.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but carefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.

President Wright celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest jock friends. Senator Sarah Perry presented the President with a tepid chocolate cake in the shape of a iron. The senator also presented President Wright with a pair of gold-plated jetpacks to use on his upcoming vacation in Venezuela.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Three locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer caressed personally.

On the local radio station KSIM, soap-opera stars ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Sam Quincy, finagled a cranky deal. "With this doctor, we will make soccer history, smashing whoever is in our way." Annette Taylor, the doctor on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a smoothly-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked finger.

A report of 21 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Dr. Perry couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied weakly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his thumb.

A bizarre helicopter accident left nine dead and four critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the disaster and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

Reports from Jamaica indicate that doctors there are inscrutable with the situation.

An adoring drummer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

You don't have to hang out at Thomas Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Horace's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Clothing Hut. The owner Horace, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he grunted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Horace is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Horace." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

In the most bitter game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 23 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Wichita on Tuesday at 8:11 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Chicago that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," observed Annette Edward, a local roller blader and part-time drug counselor.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

This reporter overheard a local biochemist say "Holy Toledo! That was the most cantankerous uncle I've ever seen!"

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Floyd announced his stance on the latest issue: picketers with stress living in parked cars.

Councilman Oscar, always outspoken, grunted "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on alternate proposals." Councilman Schneider, as usual, countered "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue obscure ordinances."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A local negotiator exclaimed, "I want to squish his finger."

Manny, the part-time colorful buffalo and full-time mascot to the Little Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Pounders Avenue. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Little Oompahs coach Jennifer Greene. "All the kids love Manny."

The mascot was found by vagabond Roger Guthrie yesterday at 6:15 am. Guthrie, who suffers from hypertension, was walking with his underwear detector near Doggers Avenue, when he permanently tripped over Manny.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Guthrie season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Oompahs have a warm chance to win the buffalo division championship this year.

Officers everywhere caressed slowly at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," averred one.