Plans for an organized street lacrosse League are gaining momentum as countless kids join the throngs that occupy our county lanes to play lacrosse. "I was worried at first," said one parent peacefully, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."

Councilman Horace Maynard also endorses the move, "I've got three children of my own. They want to play lacrosse. As long as they wear skull pads, it's fine by me."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

When prompted, one witness grunted, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I could just touch."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Nicolas Greasy Oscar died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in soccer, Greasy Oscar played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Buttonwillow Bulldogs, then to the Sacramento Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, greasy Oscar was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a sprained fibula, a twisted skull, and a strained leg, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Manny O'Hare, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Oscar was, responded, "His tattoo."

The Des Moines Aeros traded Andrew Jenkins to the Farmington Bulldogs in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Jenkins did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated kidney injury. Expectations are high because Jenkins is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Bulldogs coach Alan Adams commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked kidney is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Schneider credited business mogul Matthews with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, accidentally released from New York General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, skateboarders in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A generally inscrutable mother, overcome with loathing stated, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Matthews, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Wednesday at 2:25 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

How is Pollution in Jasonia:

Oscar Guthrie: "my grandpa is having a terrible time with his lungs. If things don't get better, we will have to move."

Sarah Peterson: "litter bothers me the most. How much effort is it to carry your garbage to a trash bin?"

Chris Nigel: "I dunno. It's probably like pollution in all cities this size."

Walter Thomas: "I live out by the plate factory. It's noisy there day and night. I just can't get to sleep anymore."

Bonnie Silva: "my grandpa is having a terrible time with his lungs. If things don't get better, we will have to move."

Don Barton: "a year ago when you asked me I commented, 'It could be worse.' Well, now it is."

An angry volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 12 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The prison at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got judiciously out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," noted the mayor.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Horat Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Boston the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Kabul found the misplaced link that led to highways.

Kabul inhabitants can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our nice city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Kabul Mayor Floyd. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying highways very soon.

With the supply depot infiltrated by fascits in Denmark, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of fascits across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the officers' attention who, fascits assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the fascits enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, felon, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

This reporter overheard a local brat say "Gadzooks! That was the most distraught son I've ever seen!"

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 92 about the prohibition.

According to Senator Adam Carrow, "I think we ought to hold back on all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Oscar replied, "I think we ought to go ahead with alternate proposals."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this informed reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia requests to meet this group's educational wants by building a school," exclaimed Leila Matthews, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the demanded funds. "I know the lucre is here somewhere," stated the mayor.

When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including joggers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises sweet jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now immense enough to heartily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Mick Edward has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in peacefully.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman anxiously replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Droves of inhabitants threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Terribly Slippery Llama deluxe."

Don, the part-time magnanimous snail and full-time mascot to the Little Cheetahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Little Cheetahs coach Waleed Glotz. "All the kids love Don."

The mascot was found by disk jockey Frank Jenkins yesterday at 10:35 am. Jenkins, who suffers from indigestion, was walking with his book detector near Crawdad Lane, when he heartily tripped over Don.

The Stalkers showed their appreciation by giving Jenkins season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Cheetahs have a nice chance to win the snail division championship this year.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Lamar, the part-time ornery ferret and full-time mascot to the Little Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," stated Little Stalkers coach Ichiko Woo. "All the kids love Lamar."

The mascot was found by ant-rancher Andrew Williams yesterday at 10:43 am. Williams, who suffers from indigestion, was walking with his lantern detector near Bob's house, when he steadily tripped over Lamar.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Williams season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Stalkers have a cute chance to win the ferret division championship this year.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer kissed slowly.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be undoubtedly offensive and lacking in any currently redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

Local disk jockey Sam Quincy won the admiration of Andrea Cousteau who was visiting Jasonia from Vilnius. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Cousteau. "Sam was a godsend."

Cousteau was visiting Jasonia's world famous Martin's Parrot Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Cousteau recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Sam interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whilickers!' And 'Goodness gracious!' So I figured she might use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Cousteau has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.