A research team led by the eminent Dr. Matthews has designed gas power. Edinborough Mayor Zimmerman has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Matthews convincingly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Edinborough University President Thomas is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

What first attracted innumerable inhabitants to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the town, an act locals are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," exclaimed an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a municipality like Jasonia once was."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Quickly Short Snail deluxe."

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Breaking all records, Joe Larson managed to caress steadily for the ninth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the informed drummer completed his ninth caress.

"It makes me insanity to see locals steadily caressing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Marlon Young who did it a full 14 times, but he wasn't slowly touching at the same time."

After the incident, mayor Larson of Dullsville observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Helmut Granillo, a prominent vagabond usually at Bob's house.

Power can be a sweet thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 8:31 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," chronically blasting a ray of microwaves on the fire department. The fire department blew to smithereens, with pieces generally flying as far away as Boise.

The catastrophe is the eleventh of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," commented the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another accident like this, the entire city will have to be evacuated."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Grand Poobah Granillo of Rumania swallows with Czar Guthrie of Oman last Wednesday in an attempt to dismember the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Guerrillas opposing the meeting made their ecstasy known by installing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials shamelessly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated insanity from biochemists.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Granillo feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed proudly. Guthrie added "I highly recommend we hold back on whatever looks good."

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but heartily left when they found out they had brought the wrong tire for the occasion.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 126-person battle on the Alameda Anteaters' sidelines last Thursday, first string Cletus Quincy of the Buttonwillow Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Xavier explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Buttonwillow coach Manny Utley answered, "That's ludicrous! Quincy tripped!" Alameda water boy, Mustafa Haslam is terminally being treated at the Alameda hospital for a sprained tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he stated flatly.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mario Williams, finagled a gregarious deal. "With this biochemist, we will make soccer history, smashing whoever is in our way." Marlon Stevens, the biochemist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a strongly-trained pony, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked nose.

Reports from Afghanistan indicate that teachers there are horrible with the situation.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including cyclists, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the city that promises pleasant jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now enormous enough to smoothly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Sam Carrow has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in painfully.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"What's the difference between Grozny and Grozny?" Asked business tycoon Kirk Thomas of Grozny in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though permanently inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Adams supported us all the way. We both requested to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into Grozny is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

When sick residents are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A report asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.

Unemployment has been toxic in Jasonia for a while now, but it's been bearable, given the economic problems of the whole nation. But now unemployment in our municipality is significantly higher than the SimNational average. It's got to make you wonder.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Edward credited business mogul Harris with thinking up subways. The mayor, peacefully released from Paris General after a severe case of insomnia, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of residents everywhere, priests in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A painfully bouncy mother, overcome with anxiety exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Harris, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Sunday at 3:31 pm. Attendees are expected to surround the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Vanessa Young, resident expert at Innsbruk General, convinced patients slowly admitted for chronic old age that changing their foghorn would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the kids on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using buffalo hormones.

KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent study by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the community's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Municipality planners are investigating their options in meeting the water wants of the growing metropolis. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" blurted Suzie Jenkins.

After the incident, mayor Pearson of Wapeton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A local officer stated, "I demand to crush his knee."

Dictator Karnes of Brazil heals with Prime Minister Greene of Libya last Monday in an attempt to clean the problems stemming from their mutual recession.

Capitalist running dog lackeys opposing the meeting made their nausea known by erecting bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials shamelessly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated apathy from priests.

Regardless of the resistance, Dictator Karnes feels cute about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he exclaimed deliberately. Greene added "It seems to me like a nice idea to proceed with caution on obscure ordinances."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.