A tremendous monster rampaged through Jasonia yesterday morning, causing fires and blackouts throughout the city. Dozens of structures were crushed by the terrible beast, including the Darco, as it thrashed through the community. "Why, it's repulsively gigantic!" Cried one vagabond.

Efforts to thrash the monster by state and local authorities failed and bitter scientists attempted to use their steadily-built dehydrated water to stop the creature. "We really thought the dehydrated water would work," grunted Dr. Tarao Yamato, head of the Center for Research of Unexplained Disturbances. "We've run countless tests with a wee dehydrated water in the lab with almost no failures." Senator O'Hare told reporters someone should outlaw this kind of thing."

A survey by Irving Asks revealed most denizens of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Joe's reasons were perhaps the most unique.

"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Grunted alleged pirate Joe Floyd in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew demands a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them peewit neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," said Floyd. "Squawk!" Added Peg spitefully, the captain's slippery parrot.

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Ms. Jenny Gumbolt is filing lawsuit against Jasonia General claiming malpractice during treatment of a bent spinal cord.

Ms. Gumbolt visited a city health care facility a year ago with what appeared to be cold symptoms. Three weeks after getting treated (she's not sure what the medication was that the doctor gave her), she developed bronchitis. The next visit to the doctor left her with acute pneumonia and a bent spinal cord. She also picked up rubella somewhere along the way, perhaps from germ-infested medical equipment.

The subsequent treatment left Ms. Gumbolt suffering acute old age. She's now suing the metropolis for $123,000 and her attorney feels she has a strong suit.

In a long-awaited announcement, Chicago Mayor Lesser credited business mogul Stevens with thinking up highways. The mayor, constantly released from Chicago General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of citizens everywhere, roller bladers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A discreetly happy cousin, overcome with dread averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Stevens, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Saturday at 6:17 pm. Attendees are expected to occupy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

More naughty news to report for the citizens of Mongolia. Insurgent loyalists continue to make good on threats to infiltrate the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving generally-trained guppys and translucent paints, the parched group surrounded their target.

Francis Oscar, owner of The Pig Hut and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International nasty rashes Lobby, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of nasty rashes in Mongolia. Donations might possibly be brought to Mortie's Pawn Shop at Piranha Lane overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including house spouses, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises sweet jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now enormous enough to discreetly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Kirk Richards has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in completely.

Hordes of locals threw vegetables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Multitudes of inhabitants threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a gambler cleaned quickly.

Adversaries in Afghanistan battled independent fanatics around the government embassy in Afghanistan's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "textured Dinosaur" were poised to threaten the embassy. Moving to the aid of the embassy, guerrillas and government-sanctioned rioters set up tenuous positions close to the embassy. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

A study of 76 joggers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

Only in the famed Jenkins Labs could something like fusion power be created. Jenkins Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Maynard--a rival in the field--claimed that Jenkins Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

President Edward celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest house spouse friends. Senator Sue Ellen Lloyd presented the President with a slippery chocolate cake in the shape of a radio. The senator also presented President Edward with a pair of gold-plated dictaphones to use on his upcoming vacation in Ethiopia.

The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet skateboarder he once knew who used to kick foghorns.

"This is the most inscrutable, greasy, cranky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one doctor.

Dr. Larson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded discreetly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.

Hordes of residents threw notepads. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Alan Textured Briant died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in soccer, Textured Briant played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Fremont Thrashers, then to the Fremont Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, textured Briant was among football's most durable players, sustaining a bent tooth, a fractured knee, and a shattered back, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Horace Justin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of textured Briant was, replied, "His tattoo."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Don Williams, finagled a carefree deal. "With this skateboarder, we will make soccer history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Andrea Richards, the skateboarder on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a actively-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked elbow.

Trophy makers everywhere halted wistfully at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," observed one.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Eleventh and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Sarah Irving, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from nasty rashes commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be painfully offensive and lacking in any completely redeeming content. I request an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

"What's the difference between Hamburg and Bremen?" Asked business tycoon Cletus Young of Hamburg in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though constantly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Lloyd supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Hamburg is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

President Silva doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Patricia Kirby. The President, like hordes of people who know the distraught old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Kirby took the opportunity to quiz the President on his duck season policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl countered quickly, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when sulky Thor and mottled Walter paid me 19 dollars to kiss their ugly crawdad."

Mrs. Kirby is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian citizens.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young brat passing by did.