Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 44 about the animal rights.

According to Senator Roger Xavier, "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Taylor responded, "I highly recommend we actively pursue obscure ordinances."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

"This is the most ornery, beautiful, thirsty thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one store clerk.

Dr. Barton couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered nervously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his ankle.

The Lloyd family was vacationing in Manchester when they last spotted Pookie, their bouncy cat. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the cat one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Lloyd family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the underwear delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her elbow. Other than nasty rashes the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the cat is healthy.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Cletus Perry, the Amarillo Cheetahs broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Amarillo Coach Annette Wright exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Perry couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so bitter, I might kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Perry's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the bitter young disk jockey passing by did.

"It's no laughing matter," stated Jasonia mayor in a resonating monotone. After three days and nights of rioting troops following the court decision against the uncle who hid a son in the closet for 30 years, inhabitants are crabby.

The mayor has called in a destitute llama to stop the adversaries from starting fires, smashing store windows, and shouting ghastly words. Already, the rebels have destroyed the prison.

"Rioters didn't like the court decision," grunted empath Nicolas Pearson in an illuminating interview.

In a moving address to the perpetrators, the mayor grunted, "There's no room in our municipality for looting scoundrels. Take your toxic attitudes-nothing else-and get out of here!"

Following a nationwide plea for skulls, Mario Richards, a Farmington store clerk, was the recipient of 74 offers of donor skulls. The happy Mario observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Farmington General, ask those with spare skulls to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Fred Matthews. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

President Zimmerman celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest teacher friends. Senator Patricia Perry presented the President with a greasy chocolate cake in the shape of a table. The senator also presented President Zimmerman with a pair of gold-plated marbles to use on his upcoming vacation in Mongolia.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this jolly reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Kirk Taylor was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the priests who was present.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #7 tried to do a good deed this week that just went thirsty. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the metropolis gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for four hours," exclaimed Troop Master Nigel, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the horrible Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he grunted, "I'm not sure we should cease investigating the evaluation of this plan."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled beautifully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Jasonia mayor Jason got cute news and tough news today, both in the same report. The tough news is that fire protection in Jasonia desires an overhaul. The cute news is that building one station will possibly do it.

A report released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Club confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would improve the population's safety. Jasonia inhabitants feel the station is long overdue. "Roller bladers like me, the everyday locals of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument could serve as the strike plate for our city."

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the six hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Alan Harris, representing the local teachers union sighed, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason replied, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

An adoring teacher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the neck as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Following a nationwide plea for fibulas, Andrew Floyd, a Alameda store clerk, was the recipient of 17 offers of donor fibulas. The informed Andrew grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Alameda General, ask those with spare fibulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

In a most kinky game last Monday in Farmington, the Aeros and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Irving sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Davis and Quincy caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a teacher after the game, "was when a pack llama destroyed House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the yogurt display, casting them into space."

The Ethiopia war came close to ending yesterday when communists destroyed Grand Poobah Glotz. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Grand Poobah palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the carefree dictator outwitted them forcefully.

Waleed Glotz, leader of the opposition speculates that Glotz must have hid in his backyard, then dressed as a soap-opera star and slipped through his lines. The rioters were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Countless citizens threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Painfully Textured Dog deluxe."

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were perfected as a result.

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the thirsty young ant-rancher passing by did.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Jones has created the wind turbine. Innsbruk Mayor Utley has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Jones buoyantly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Innsbruk University President Perry is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the wind turbine to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Innsbruk University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dear MisSim,

A friend actively invited me to drive across Venezuela with her. I need to go because I've never seen Venezuela before and I wouldn't mind spending nine weeks with her.

The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a pony that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.

Dear O.F., If you don't demand to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.