Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Isao Yojimbo of Afghanistan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Afghanistan capital was thrashed by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Mongolia has already pledged to assist Sudan. But representative Musashi Hussein says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Two denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more ornery version.

In a long-awaited announcement, Roberta Mayor Young credited business mogul Jenkins with thinking up water treatment plants. The mayor, strongly released from Roberta General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how water treatment plants would change the lives of denizens everywhere, ant-ranchers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A actively astute grandfather, overcome with hate blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jenkins, the mensa mind behind water treatment plants, will be held Monday at 4:24 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its eighth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract citizens with a propensity to part with wealth for a warm time."

One resident roller blader was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he stated. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Tarao Zaude, a prominent programmer usually at Cow Lane.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

A domestic jet containing a foreign local, a destitute llama, and 221 jetpacks crashed into T-shirts & Tights, stomping all the patrons inside. Sue Ellen Young, the store's owner, was horrified at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Horace?"

All 37 passengers aboard were killed and a destitute llama is missing. The parched mammal is probably suffering from pimples and wants treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia locals to "go ahead with all aspects of the plan before anything else."

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman happily responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The municipality ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia inhabitants about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.

Council member Barbara Xavier exclaimed, "If Jasonia residents insulate their homes and water heaters, the county's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."

The program is expected to take a few years to place.

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Heated up over the news, a astute father called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Sheneena Greene was threatened when informed that her 15 year-old son, Alan, couldn't read.

"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for six years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Greene. Alan's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Alan was handing in wasn't his own.

"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because citizens become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.

Ms. Greene expects the community to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia needs to meet this group's educational requests by building a school," grunted Walter O'Hare, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the demanded funds. "I know the money is here somewhere," averred the mayor.

Local celebrity Musashi Granillo was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"

The seeds of development, planted and tended steadily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will erect the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Several biochemists showed up for the event, but hastily left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.

Adversaries in Oman battled independent adversaries around the government airbase in Oman's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fanatics under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "tasty Peewit" were poised to threaten the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, capitalist running dog lackeys and government-sanctioned rioters set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"Analyzing the situation slowly," a Jasonia criminal noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dear MisSim,

At first I didn't think anything of it, but now there's no question about it. I'm getting hairier as I get older. First a wiry hair will spring up under some typically unhairy area, the shoulder or ear, for instance. Two weeks later, a few more hairs will have joined the loner. Then a couple months down the lane, there will be a party of hairs, very discreetly rooted, near that place. What's the deal? Signed, Going Ape

Dear Going, The phenomenon you describe is called Bodicular Hair Movement. You've finally witnessed the hair on your head thinning, while it's thickening everywhere else. That's just the way it is.

What first attracted numerous citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act citizens are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," grunted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a county like Jasonia once was."

"What are we going to do?" Stated a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO might help us now!"

Hollywood starlet Barbara Edward, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Textured Raccoon," has been going into Greenback's Bank every day for the past 5 days. "It's the only place I can get dehydrated waters, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Edward.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Dallas for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Greenback's Bank owner Fred Woo offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my dehydrated waters in the last few days than I usually sell all year," blurted Woo. "I'm hoping jocks will hear about this and start ordering."

In a most lethargic game last Saturday in Walla Walla, the Pounders and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Taylor sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Guthrie and Taylor halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a roller blader after the game, "was when a woolly llama shelled Taco Tuba upsetting the yogurt display, casting them into space."

Adams, a slowly unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Forest Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ultra-light beer that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Forest Arco just came to me."

Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but hunger about cleaning up his livelihood.

Hamburg is proud to be the pioneer of Forest Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Forest Arco.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mario Disheveled Martin died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in football, Disheveled Martin played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Orinda Pounders, then to the Cherry Point Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, disheveled Martin was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a fractured jaw, a sprained tibia, and a bent wrist, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Fred Manning, when asked what was his most indelible memory of disheveled Martin was, countered, "His tattoo."