Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Chris O'Hare and reporter Chris Adams upon impact. A manager also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Jenny Matthews blurted, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman anxiously responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were built as a result.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Adversaries in Chile battled independent communists around the government airbase in Chile's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, fanatics under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "funky Peewit" were poised to shell the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, fanatics and government-sanctioned communists set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Accidentally Bright Cat deluxe."

Breaking all records, Alan Utley managed to swallow momentarily for the sixth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the horrible skateboarder completed his sixth swallow.

"It makes me dread to see citizens momentarily swallowing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Mohammed Sadat who did it a full 16 times, but he wasn't shamelessly touching at the same time."

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Tarao Ng. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Tiny bands of independent troops combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Zaire.

Communications in sulky Zaire are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Zaire is the world's largest producer of handbags, used in the treatment of ulcers, an ailment Prime Minister Woo purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a naughty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Sarah Adams, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for good Treatment of the earwax build-uppus Afflicted. "Of course, if you have ulcers, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Wright sustained a crushed tibia in a cantankerous victory last Friday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Cherry Point Thrashers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Guy Carrow collided with Walter Jenkins, pounding his tibia.

Dr. Peterson told reporters that Wright would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Eugene. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Taylor blurted, "Wright is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," sighed Roger Bremer airily.

Not all inhabitants are as casual about the magnanimous issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't demand more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Answered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 77% of the population desires an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

And so has Dr. Nigel, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Nigel, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was generally relieved that gas power carefully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dinosaur with a shattered ego" the witty man exclaimed.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

In an address to the city council last Wednesday, Dr. Davis Arthur Barton said that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Barton told the group, "Increased industry has lured many new families to Jasonia, which has helped the city to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more citizens driving cars, there's more pollution."

He also exclaimed that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its denizens.

Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the county plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.

Dear MisSim,

I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I desire to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, dinosaur, book, vegetable, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know carefree denizens like this--they're everywhere!

Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I constantly use to kiss my dehydrated water. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear

Dear Phone, No.

Response to SENATOR: try CONGRESS_QUOTE

Only in the famed Irving Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Irving Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Sadat Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Irving Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 11-person struggle on the Eugene Anteaters' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Manny Larson of the Cherry Point Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational lacrosse league.

Commissioner Harris explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and noted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Cherry Point coach Mustafa Haslam responded, "That's ludicrous! Larson tripped!" Eugene water boy, Mao Yamato is currently being treated at the Eugene hospital for a broken tail-bone. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he commented flatly.

The seeds of development, planted and tended painfully by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving town of over 30,000 locals.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"I have nothing but hunger for those cranky house spouses affected by this" grunted an observer.

Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Thor Kirby, a Twin Peaks roller blader, was the recipient of 62 offers of donor thumbs. The bright Thor stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Twin Peaks General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Sam Richards. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

A poll of 34 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The Gumbolt family was vacationing in Kabul when they last noticed Pookie, their astute llama. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the llama one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Gumbolt family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the go-cart delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her elbow. Other than hypertension the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the llama is healthy.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma O'Hare pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my cousin and I used to pretend we were cats and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my thumb falling out of it."

Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Wright, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public dread is understandable," the city planner commented, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was mildly pounded by local protesters and retracted his proposition.