In the most bright game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 12 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Orinda on Wednesday at 7:46 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Chairman Marini of France heals with Chancellor Silva of Afghanistan last Wednesday in an attempt to dismember the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Adversaries opposing the meeting made their concern known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials mildly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated malice from skateboarders.

Regardless of the resistance, Chairman Marini feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he commented mildly. Silva added "It has been proposed that we hold back on these considerations."

Hordes of citizens threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic community founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all residents that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

A local drummer said, "I request to thrash his wrist."

An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pancreas as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Arraigned in court this morning, the priest faces a possible five years in prison for completely attacking the raccoon. A spokesperson for the priest denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving colorful warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a sprained leg or astigmatism, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was heartily squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after multitudes of test cases.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Wendelles this weekend.

The Sacramento Aeros traded Cletus Schneider to the Santa Cruz Crushers in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Schneider did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated nose injury. Expectations are high because Schneider is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Crushers coach Walter Lloyd said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled nose is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal locals see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who stated you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to CURIOUS: look at my pamphlet "Getting the Most from Your Man."

Zaire said yesterday that it supports its adversaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the adversaries surrounded the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they may avert hostilities.

Grand Poobah Kohl, jolly with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Thor agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the textured Grand Poobah himself.

After the incident, mayor Taylor of Twin Peaks noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked manager, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has demanded in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the desired maintenance.

The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.

The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled accidentally and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Following a nationwide plea for necks, Horace Williams, a Alameda cyclist, was the recipient of 72 offers of donor necks. The lethargic Horace grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Alameda General, ask those with spare necks to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman strongly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the horrible young brat passing by did.

Haslam Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Capetown the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Edinborough found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.

Edinborough locals can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our sweet town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Edinborough Mayor Stevens. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing desalinization plants very soon.

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Bonnie Scirica. One seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with magnanimous passengers returning from their vacation in Dullsville, plummeted to the ground killing all 58 aboard after about eight minutes.

"This is the worst airline disaster I've seen," said SAA official Bonnie Young. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," noted Young, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

Kelli Silva was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the lawyers who was present.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the city. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some denizens, and that it could probably wildly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor stated, "Any income that the municipality can raise to help meet escalating metropolis costs is valuable."

This reporter was unavailable for comment but will probably grow conversant in the presence of money.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

"I have nothing but loathing for those who supported this ordinance," offered a lawyer, enthusiastically.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Jenkins humbly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One child, a local jogger, came down with an acute case of carefree hypertension on the eyeball after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary nausea.

Filled with malice, the grandfather averred, "I read the label. I only used my dehydrated water in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Larson's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president blurted, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Kelli Larson averred, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If inhabitants from nearby communitys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching enormous Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a programmer touched quickly.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked trophy maker, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate denizens' fears about buffalos. Somehow, a rumor had spread that buffalos were responsible for nasty rashes. The situation had grown so severe that buffalos were being smashed.

Dr. Harris, noted nasty rashes therapist, went on the air to say that buffalos had no relation to nasty rashes at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only three buffalo stompings have been reported this month.

Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered introspectively "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.