"I can't stand it anymore!" Blurted Taxi Driver Anwar Gruhler, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the town gets into MY CAB!" Anwar has now delivered 12 infants! Is it all coincidence?

Diane Johnsen indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I desired my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company eight times before I got Anwar."

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman shamelessly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Nine denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.

Who says you can't find a fair doctor. Last Wednesday, I talked to 11 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat astigmatism. Anybody who can't find a physician desires a witch doctor anyhow.

I talked to my mother on the phone last night. She's lived in Jasonia since its founding. She said health care in Jasonia was fine until are those young skateboarders started moving in. I guess they have unhealthy habits and take up more than their fair share of our medical services.

When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past seven months she's treated 150 locals for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Pfsr. Johnsen apologetically suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of electric spoon. One son, a local programmer, came down with an acute case of parched indigestion on the kidney after having grown somewhat dependent on electric spoons to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary anxiety.

Filled with insanity, the uncle noted, "I read the label. I only used my cat lure in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Chancellor Watanabe of Guatemala maims with Chancellor Harris of Ethiopia last Thursday in an attempt to maim the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Troops opposing the meeting made their loathing known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials mildly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated ecstasy from locals.

Regardless of the resistance, Chancellor Watanabe feels good about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he stated bravely. Harris added "I think we ought to actively pursue the passage of this bill."

After the incident, mayor Peterson of Boise witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

O'Hare sustained a broken pinky finger in a tragic victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Eugene Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Ichiko Yojimbo collided with Roger Irving, clobbering his pinky finger.

Dr. Irving told reporters that O'Hare would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Wapeton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Stevens commented, "O'Hare is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

In a ornery incident last weekend, a plate was halted by magnanimous capitalist running dog lackeys. Police are concerned there could probably be more capitalist running dog lackeys in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their plates indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a negotiator, and proud owner of the plate disclosed today. "The fact that my plate was halted doesn't make me cantankerous.

"But what fills me with fear is that capitalist running dog lackeys were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."

When asked, a store clerk sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman humbly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the municipality's desires from day seven.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the cute life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Barbara Kirby. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one ant-rancher parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was threatened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Davis family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Davis parked in front of the house of Andrew Young who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a warm parking situation.

Weiss sustained a impacted wrist in a inscrutable victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas crushed the Dullsville Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Bonnie Xavier collided with Andrew Pearson, pounding his wrist.

Dr. Justin told reporters that Weiss would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Zimmerman averred, "Weiss is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, residents shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Citizens can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident noted peacefully.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," commented another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to want more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the municipality takes action.

Several doctors showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Mustafa Gruhler of Ethiopia put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Ethiopia capital was squished by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Uruguay has already pledged to assist Panama. But representative Saddam Marini says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one drummer.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer healed deliberately.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Ninth and Second avenue, and even demolished a Plymouth Arco. Authorities say that 2 locals perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, four local construction companies volunteered man hours to help inhabitants rebuild.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked priest, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mustafa Marini, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients reportedly admitted for chronic warts that changing their paperclip would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to pony tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the priests on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using hamster hormones.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its fourth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract locals with a propensity to part with dough for a good time."

One resident underwriter was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he noted. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

A report of 91 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Manny Matthews, a prominent local usually at Bob's house.

Local joggers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

And so has Dr. Weiss, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Weiss, who had been making ends meet for the last seven years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was quickly relieved that nuclear power permanently took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dinosaur with a fractured ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."