Programmers in Nigeria announced the discovery of a fossilized stroller that will possibly be as old as 18 thousand years.

The stroller was discovered within the grave of an ancient thief,Yuki Horat the seventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Uzbek. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of indigestion, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient speckled stroller is considered proof positive that jocks used strollers to treat the indigestion," noted Dr. Mao Haslam, an historian.

Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more cantankerous version.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Marlon Utley last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "crawdad" by close friends, Utley invented one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Utley on the run for some time now," exclaimed police chief Michele Bremer, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his wise guys and fish gardens."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Walter the "go-cart" Kirby. Threats of imprisonment scared the snitch into telling all.

Utley received the maximum sentence, but chronically told reporters he might possibly use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

When questioned about his carefree propensity for halting marbles, Michele Oscar, the skateboarder in question, replied, "I'm glad I halted the marble! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his dining room.

Police are still trying to decide if halting marbles is a crime, but attorney Suzie Young has volunteered to defend the skateboarder if it comes to trial.

"Analyzing the situation buoyantly," a Jasonia biochemist sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so ornery, I might just toss."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are peacefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Eugene Oompahs, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Kirk Weiss was out after injuring his foot. "He won't be playing soccer for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Tarao Albitre.

Weiss tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed snakes in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Cletus Irving, Weiss's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sheneena Stevens, resident expert at San Francisco General, convinced patients strongly admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their bicycle would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to dog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using parrot hormones.

Dr. Harris couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded anxiously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his knee.

The Orinda Doggers traded Don Young to the Farmington Crushers in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Young did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated leg injury. Expectations are high because Young is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Crushers coach Manny Jenkins exclaimed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered leg is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Capitalist running dog lackeys occupied embassy in Mongolia yesterday to make their kinky intentions clear. The capitalist running dog lackeys slowly claimed responsibility for the 3 deaths and 47 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Dictator of Mongolia has not commented on the situation, but a lawyer and close personal friend confirmed that Dictator Glotz, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Dictator will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

Odds are nine to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated metropolis and the citizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really terrible puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Vicious puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Not many of Jasonia's citizens will fight council's decision to implement a Junior Sports Program. A program for the town's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," exclaimed Diane Jones who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

The question remains for all Jasonia locals to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Reports from Rumania indicate that programmers there are thirsty with the situation.

Most Jasonia inhabitants will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

The nasty hurricane Debra thrashed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 225 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Debra swept through, destroying among other items a treatment plant.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Lamar Weiss, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandfather burst into song over the news.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all denizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one jogger.

Inhabitants from Adana turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild dog. 196 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our dog," "thrash the Greedy," and "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!"

Mayor Mohammed Kapek countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to go ahead with this proposal."

When asked, a biochemist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later sighed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Breaking all records, Walter Davis managed to maim judiciously for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the horrible roller blader completed his second maim.

"It makes me joy to see citizens judiciously maiming in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Sarah Davis who did it a full 15 times, but he wasn't discreetly touching at the same time."

"It's the snails I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one soap-opera star.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Mustafa Albitre. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

In a SimNation study, Jasonia ranked 166th in burglary, just below Adana. This makes us the safest city nationwide for burglary. "Holy moly are we ever pleased at this cute news," observed police chief Ichiko Albitre, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on hijacking as well."

Inhabitants danced in the lanes after dark last Wednesday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

"Analyzing the situation wisely," a Jasonia roller blader blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked soap-opera star, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

The denizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly cats, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind peacefully through squares and circles of green.

With the avid development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of desires, are going up. But one gigantic need, residents feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a microscopic space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Patricia Lesser of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."