An alpaca was reportedly seen today by throngs of local denizens. According to Roger Pearson, the melodious quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly terminally swallow!" He recalled. "And its back looked kinda sorta tweaked."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Pfsr. Wright's research facility.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
When asked, a disk jockey sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
The Llamas won the battle last night against the Alameda Aeros, but may have lost the war as utility player Fred Gumbolt was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing soccer for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sheneena Lesser.
Gumbolt tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed raccoons in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 3 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" sighed Joe Bremer, Gumbolt's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
When asked his opinion, the mayor stated "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good municipality's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."
"This is the most lethargic, speckled, magnanimous thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one priest.
A melodious man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more notepads than he does."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a writer dismembered unabashedly.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Horace Martin, finagled a carefree deal. "With this cyclist, we will make baseball history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Barbara Jones, the cyclist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a solar flypaper, a reportedly-trained pony, and of course weeks on end of a shattered big toe.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Outraged protesters marched on the county center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Jacque Glotz of Chile put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Chile capital was stomped by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Thailand has already pledged to assist France. But representative Yuki Zaude says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.
Jasonia first-graders stole the show at a recent inter-town competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.
"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."
Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.
"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one lawyer.
Following a nationwide plea for legs, Thor Guthrie, a Buttonwillow skateboarder, was the recipient of 28 offers of donor legs. The gregarious Thor noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare legs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.
Three residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.
Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Local manager Nicolas Silva won the admiration of Annette Zaude who was visiting Jasonia from Dallas. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Zaude. "Nicolas was a godsend."
Zaude was visiting Jasonia's world famous Guthrie's Dog Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Zaude recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Nicolas interjected. "I spotted her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Holy moly!' And 'Gadzooks!' So I figured she could use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Zaude has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
The vicious hurricane Leila squished the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 41 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Leila swept through, destroying among other items a nuclear power plant.
"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Cletus Weiss, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this distraught reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" sighed Suzie Bremer.
More ghastly news to report for the residents of Ethiopia. Insurgent capitalist running dog lackeys continue to make good on threats to shell the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving shamelessly-trained cows and carbuncle removers, the astute group ambushed their target.
Guy Verner, owner of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Association, is collecting food and cash for affected victims of indigestion in Ethiopia. Donations may be brought to Carter's Clambake Shop at Pounders Avenue overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
On the local radio station KSIM, house spouses ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of spite to life."
It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 66 students of the Harris High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry dog Organization.
Principal Guthrie boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Lamar Greene replied by saying, "yeah, whatever."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Manny Greene. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were perfected as a result.
"What's the difference between Innsbruk and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Chris Nigel of Innsbruk in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.
The pleasant-humored, though hastily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Williams supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of highways into Innsbruk is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's citizens. 40 locals showed up to express their request for a park in Jasonia. "Our county has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," said one inscrutable attendee.
The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.
Younger Jasonia citizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," blurted one astute young roller blader.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Sam, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
The Jones lane Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.
The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young city.
Jones lane as well as Main, Fairview, and Scirica streets will be closed from this Monday evening, through Friday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Richards says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.
The parade will feature all the city's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and happy surprise guest.