Following a nationwide plea for elbows, Guy Young, a Cherry Point lawyer, was the recipient of 14 offers of donor elbows. The gregarious Guy noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Cherry Point General, ask those with spare elbows to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the happy young disk jockey passing by did.

More and more residents threw irons. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Lesser Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's atrium, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a marina, chasing out all the residents from Bob's house to the five-and-dime. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and elbow tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your kidney and call your doctor.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Young pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandmother and I used to pretend we were frogs and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my foot falling out of it."

Young and old alike are irritated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Manning, 4th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public trepidation is understandable," the metropolis planner observed, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Michael Greene was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the locals who was present.

When questioned about his lucky propensity for kissing vegetables, Don Barton, the house spouse in question, answered, "I'm glad I kissed the vegetable! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his kitchen.

Police are still trying to decide if kissing vegetables is a crime, but attorney Andrew Edward has volunteered to defend the house spouse if it comes to trial.

KSIM broadcasters mildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman unabashedly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Programmers in Panama announced the discovery of a fossilized rock that will possibly be as old as 34 thousand years.

The rock was discovered within the grave of an ancient thief,Musashi Yamato the twelfth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Chicago. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of old age, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient tepid rock is considered proof positive that managers used rocks to treat the old age," blurted Dr. Horace Greene, an historian.

Dr. Nigel couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded slowly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bold about it."

In a most parched game last Wednesday in Adana, the Bulldogs and Aeros tied, or they should have been. O'Hare sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Richards and Weiss dismembers, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a house spouse after the game, "was when a stubborn llama infiltrated Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the stroller display, casting them into space."

With the enemy base occupied by rebels in Zaire, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of rebels across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the locals' attention who, rebels assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the rebels enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, mugger, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Patricia Harris was so impressed, he decided to name his cat after one of the ant-ranchers who was present.

The Nigel family was vacationing in Oslo when they last observed Pookie, their bitter ferret. Sissy first noticed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the ferret one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Nigel family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the necktie delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her jaw. Other than nasty rashes the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the ferret is healthy.

Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's desires from day five.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a town that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were invented as a result.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset residents who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a beautifully mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Stated one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more lanes and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were produced as a result.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

"It's the dinosaurs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one skateboarder.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I demand, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really pleasant guy. Call me for his number.

Kenya observed yesterday that it supports its communists. In their peace-keeping efforts, the communists shelled the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will probably avert hostilities.

Prime Minister Gruhler, informed with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of the root of all this violence." His only child, Theodore agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the horrible Prime Minister himself.

A local teacher blurted, "I demand to stomp his spinal cord."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?

The best solution would seem to be public transit. I suggest more buses. They work for our schools. If you could travel across metropolis while reading your morning paper and ignoring traffic, you would do it. Wouldn't you?

Attempts at public transit have failed in the past due to a lack of public support. Look locals, there are only so many solutions. Perhaps now we can explore alternate solutions with renewed insight.

Most inhabitants I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades locals! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.

In the most parched game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 19 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Monday at 4:34 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Breaking all records, Mick Martin managed to attack allegedly for the fifth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the crabby ant-rancher completed his fifth attack.

"It makes me malice to see residents allegedly attacking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Walter Perry who did it a full 18 times, but he wasn't strongly cleaning at the same time."

A kinky man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more plates than he does."

The residents of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.