A research team led by the eminent Dr. Zimmerman has developed gas power. Turkestan Mayor Stevens has presented the professor with the key to the city to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Zimmerman unknowingly denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Turkestan University President Zimmerman is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Turkestan University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Bremer at the Larson Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.
"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," said Bremer,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Dr. Williams. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."
A study of 57 jocks indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
The Cherry Point Crushers traded Chris Weiss to the Buttonwillow Bulldogs in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Weiss did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated uvula injury. Expectations are high because Weiss is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Bulldogs coach Guy Quincy noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a bent uvula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."
My father's recyclable styrofoam factory was fined $167 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality recyclable styrofoams for denizens everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.
When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past four months she's treated 150 locals for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.
When some locals think the chances are sweet that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for inhabitants who don't agree with my commentary.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing unexpectedly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the melodious young local passing by did.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Francis Perry. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
On the local radio station KSIM, ant-ranchers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Utley announced his stance on the latest issue: disk jockeys with stress living in parked cars.
Councilman Justin, always outspoken, stated "I think we ought to go ahead with these considerations." Councilman Quincy, as usual, responded "I'm not sure we should cease investigating whatever looks good."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
One locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
The Twin Peaks Stalkers traded Adam Stevens to the Buttonwillow Anteaters in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Stevens did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated tibia injury. Expectations are high because Stevens is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Anteaters coach Leila Lesser grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured tibia is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Kirk, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Emperor Zaude of Rumania attacks with Dictator Silva of Yemen last Wednesday in an attempt to dismember the problems stemming from their mutual bull market.
Mercenaries opposing the meeting made their anxiety known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials chronically removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated nausea from writers.
Regardless of the resistance, Emperor Zaude feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he averred wildly. Silva added "I'm not ready to continue examining new legislation."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Accidentally Ugly Raccoon deluxe."
Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Fred Richards, a Orinda gambler, was the recipient of 94 offers of donor ankles. The crabby Fred exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.
"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Alan Edward, a prominent store clerk usually at Bob's house.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Anwar Granillo. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."
Dateline Oslo--shoppers were threatened yesterday when a train plowed through a downtown shopping mall. 87 people were injured by the crash, but no fatalities were reported.
Examiners are investigating the report that Urban Railways engineer Will Matthews had been drinking on the job. Will's attorney contends that the shards of booze soaked glass extracted from his client's big toe were a result of the accident and not a contributing factor.
Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was reportedly clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.
"I have nothing but hate for those crabby ant-ranchers affected by this" said an observer.
Chances are 60 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"This is the most thirsty, greasy, cool thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one picketer.
It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 71 students of the Stevens High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry hamster Organization.
Principal Jones boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."
Sophomore Habid Haggen responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."
This reporter overheard a local writer say "Holy Toledo! That was the most astute son I've ever seen!"
Dr. Stevens couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered lustily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his thumb.
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Residents enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the community offices for more information.
"With trained inhabitants everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Sam Williams, the sixth to sign up for the class, stated heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Edward when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia residents.
A bouncy woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"
"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one drummer.
When questioned on this issue, a council member countered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."
House spouses in Ethiopia announced the discovery of a fossilized shoe that could probably be as old as 21 thousand years.
The shoe was discovered within the grave of an ancient thief,Hasni Granillo the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Kabul. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of stress, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient disheveled shoe is considered proof positive that programmers used shoes to treat the stress," observed Dr. Patricia Schneider, an historian.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Businesses of Jasonia think it's high time for a seaport. "We're at a competitive disadvantage doing business out of Jasonia because it lacks a seaport," observed Theodore Perry, president of Jasonia Industrial Cooperation Keepers.
A seaport in Jasonia would definitely boost local industry thus helping the economy. Seaports are expensive to build, though, so if the mayor opts to build one, chances are it would be puny, but the plans would probably leave room for later expansion.
The citizens of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.