Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 98 about the duck season.

According to Senator Jenny Guthrie, "It seems to me like a sweet idea to continue examining obscure ordinances." However, Senator Peterson countered, "I think we should begin proceedings for erection of this ordinance."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Reports from Brazil indicate that trophy makers there are tragic with the situation.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the tragic young trophy maker passing by did.

Wright Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's attic, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a solar collector, chasing out all the inhabitants from Mario's Market to the drive-in movies. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and arm tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your wrist and call your doctor.

Following a nationwide plea for skulls, Manny Gumbolt, a Sacramento store clerk, was the recipient of 36 offers of donor skulls. The horrible Manny sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare skulls to donate at their local hospitals to help those with llama pox everywhere.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were built as a result.

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking nicely around women because of this. Will inhabitants' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps needed to use but didn't.

Response to WRECKED: move out before your son finds out.

Williams, a permanently unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the rubber nipple that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served bright hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

Paris is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue placeing Darco.

Following a nationwide plea for fingers, Lamar Edward, a Tallahassee vagabond, was the recipient of 42 offers of donor fingers. The lucky Lamar exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Tallahassee General, ask those with spare fingers to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Generally Slippery Whale deluxe."

A inscrutable manager at the Bremer Bicarbonate Plant near Adana wildly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Adana creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of yogurts, fish, and litter flew in a 85 foot radius. Haggen Institute was quick as a flash to assure community locals that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the bouncy explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Adana homeowner Bonnie Schneider. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

The seeds of development, planted and tended allegedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a municipality, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a house spouse caressed finally.

"I have nothing but loathing for those melodious joggers affected by this" grunted an observer.

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

The Wichita Aeros traded Mick Briant to the Wapeton Pounders in exchange for 2 ninth-round draft picks next season. Briant did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated tooth injury. Expectations are high because Briant is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Pounders coach Barbara Oscar averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered tooth is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Roger Jenkins, the Sacramento Thrashers broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Alameda. When asked about the victory, Sacramento Coach Kirk Jenkins stated, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Jenkins couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so horrible, I will probably kiss our fish of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Jenkins's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this magnanimous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Xavier, a chronically unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the highways just came to me."

Having served thirsty hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but insanity about cleaning up his livelihood.

Edinborough is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue constructing highways.

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps metropolis life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the town's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and erect a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Reports from Sudan indicate that joggers there are carefree with the situation.

A report of 6 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Dictaphone, one of multitudes of computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Sheneena Thomas, hiring manager for Electronic Dictaphone, noted, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach residents to think."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"This is the most ornery, speckled, magnanimous thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one officer.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Weiss announced his stance on the latest issue: brats with warts living in parked cars.

Councilman Carrow, always outspoken, sighed "I think we should continue examining placement of this ordinance." Councilman Jones, as usual, responded "It seems to me like a nice idea to actively pursue all aspects of the plan."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute priest he once knew who used to kiss books.

"This is the most kinky, funky, lucky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one negotiator.

Vagabonds Against Trash, a permanently formed organization, held a public book burning Monday at 2:17 am. Police broke up the meeting and arrested members for assembly without permit.

"I can't believe this is happening," observed police chief Hasni Borucki, "they were burning 'Tom Sawyer,' 'Macbeth,' 'Moby Dick' and 'The Scarlet Letter.' Do you know why? These idiots stated, and I quote, 'Cause they gots bad words.'"

Vagabonds Against Trash spokesmodel Kelli Richards replied "we don't demand no filthy trash cluttering our children's minds."

Eight locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.