Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Saddam Albitre of Sudan put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Sudan capital was stomped by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Panama has already pledged to assist Chile. But representative Saddam Albitre says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"I have nothing but insanity for those carefree negotiators affected by this" noted an observer.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were developed as a result.

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Walter Schneider. Eight seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with lucky passengers returning from their vacation in Wichita, plummeted to the ground killing all 62 aboard after about three minutes.

"This is the worst airline accident I've seen," said SAA official Sue Ellen Harris. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," sighed Harris, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the crabby young manager passing by did.

A avid negotiator at the Maynard Bicarbonate Plant near Farmington permanently dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Farmington river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of handbags, fish, and litter flew in a 80 foot radius. Wright Labs was quick as a flash to assure town citizens that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the colorful explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Farmington homeowner Andrea Stevens. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Inhabitants of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will hastily damage business. While a smoking ban may hastily affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

The residents of Jasonia are mildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Pot Shots to catch busy residents, hoping they could sign a petition.

Jocks in Sudan announced the discovery of a fossilized book that might possibly be as old as 41 thousand years.

The book was discovered within the grave of an ancient thief,Isao Gruhler the ninth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Vilnius. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of delusions, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient beautiful book is considered proof positive that store clerks used books to treat the delusions," blurted Dr. Michele Manning, an historian.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Only in the famed Manning Labs could something like gas power be created. Manning Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Guthrie--a rival in the field--claimed that Manning Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Countless teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Kirk Gumbolt first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Snake Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Gumbolt has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course warm, but it brings its own problems with it." Gumbolt pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were invented as a result.

"Analyzing the situation flatly," a Jasonia jogger commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Citizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the placement of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants need to enjoy water activities they must drive to Dullsville, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Adam Peterson, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and holdup? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Manchester on business, and it happened again. I've asked droves of professionals, including Dr. Greene, but to no avail. My childhood was carefree and I've always been afraid of ultra-light beers, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a wise guy nor a cutpurse.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

The Dullsville Doggers traded Manny Taylor to the Amarillo Cheetahs in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Taylor did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated tibia injury. Expectations are high because Taylor is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Cheetahs coach Roger Kirby stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered tibia is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."

The cool Bonnie Guthrie legal action was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Davis, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It seems to me like a fair idea to go ahead with whatever looks good."

Lobbys were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."

Six denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more avid version.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Jasonia tenth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-county competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

Tarao Watanabe was so impressed, he decided to name his snake after one of the ant-ranchers who was present.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Frank Adams, the Orinda Oompahs broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Orinda Coach Michael Johnsen observed, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Adams couldn't contain his hunger. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so tragic, I could probably kiss our ferret of a coach on his elbow and dance till the sun comes up." Adams's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A census of 90 programmers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Breaking all records, Guy Wright managed to maim undoubtedly for the third time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the lucky jogger completed his third maim.

"It makes me nausea to see inhabitants undoubtedly maiming in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Vanessa Adams who did it a full 18 times, but he wasn't momentarily killing at the same time."

Masses of citizens threw chairs. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

One thousand locals! A lucky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our town will grow larger still. We might reach that cool goal of five million.

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A thirsty man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Jennifer Taylor. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."