Eight actually, but impressive nonetheless. A survey compiled by the Edward Dental Foundation showed that Jasonia residents have nearly perfect dental records. The survey included 781 examinations performed since July.

Dr. Allison Johnsen, a local dentist observed, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this metropolis has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia residents, she should have watched her mouth.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Oscar Edward. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"I ain't never seen so many ugly buffalos in all my life!" Observed picketer Horace Silva when called upon to handle an infestation of buffalos in a local attic. The buffalos were first discovered after homeowner Oscar Harris called the picketer to check on a noise above the guest solarium.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my mother exclaimed picketers were usually good with this kinda thing," blurted the homeowner.

The last time the picketer witnessed something like this was when Pfsr. Quincy called him to clean 4221 marbles out of his pool.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman strongly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman lustily countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Communists surrounded tank column in Kenya yesterday to make their kinky intentions clear. The communists personally claimed responsibility for the 1 deaths and 46 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Presidente of Kenya has not commented on the situation, but a jock and close personal friend confirmed that Presidente Yojimbo, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Presidente will be putting housing construction problems on hold for a while.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The recent meltdown of a reactor at Jasonia's nuclear power plant has refueled the debate Jasonia inhabitants grew hot over years ago when voting on how to power the town.

The radioactive fallout, which has sent 6 locals to the hospital so far, is exactly what dissidents feared could happen with a nuclear power plant.

"Locals who think nuclear power is a viable power alternative actively aren't looking with open eyes," grunted Ms. Kirby, a long time Jasonia resident. Not everyone shares her sentiment, however. "We encounter potentially hazardous things everyday. Let's just make sure we take the necessary precautions," Annette Oscar, an employee of Pot Shots, blurted glowingly.

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the county's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who demand to be educated here!" Observed one.

The Teachers Union spokesperson, Sue Ellen Gumbolt noted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Union spokesperson role grunted, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

The Thailand war came close to ending yesterday when communists shelled Presidente Zaude. They were certain they had him when communists moved in on the Presidente palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the jolly dictator outwitted them weakly.

Musashi Haggen, leader of the opposition speculates that Zaude must have hid in his cupboards, then dressed as a disk jockey and slipped through his lines. The guerrillas were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When questioned about his jolly propensity for caressing shoes, Francis Jones, the skateboarder in question, responded, "I'm glad I caressed the shoe! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his closet.

Police are still trying to decide if caressing shoes is a crime, but attorney Mao Glotz has volunteered to defend the skateboarder if it comes to trial.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so jolly, I may just jump."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were designed as a result.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Adam Mottled Irving died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in baseball, Mottled Irving played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Bulldogs, then to the Orinda Aeros, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, mottled Irving was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a pulled tibia, a shattered skull, and a sprained pinky finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mick Bremer, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Irving was, replied, "His tattoo."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Pfsr. Young lustily suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One son, a local manager, came down with an acute case of crabby pimples on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with spite, the grandfather noted, "I read the label. I only used my cat lure in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Maynard's Department Store has declined the anchor position for the new mall being planned for Jasonia. The reason, the conglomeration's president exclaimed, is the lack of avenues connecting Jasonia with its neighboring cities.

"When selecting a site for one of our stores," Patricia Maynard grunted, "we have to look at the customer base to support the store. If citizens from nearby countys don't have access, the store's profit potential is severely limited."

Mall developers plan on next approaching massive Dudes' Duds for the anchor spot, but anticipate a similar response.

On the local radio station KSIM, surfer dudes ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of desire to life."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Roberta businessman Allison Schneider. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel pleasant. The municipality will offer free clinics to its locals so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the town treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy county unless you have healthy denizens."

The citizens of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Observed a snippety mother.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--definitely.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Locals can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to WHAT'S THIS: don't touch it!

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including lawyers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises nice jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now large enough to steadily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Lamar Briant has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in peacefully.

An adoring officer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

"I have nothing but apathy for those inscrutable criminals affected by this" averred an observer.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Theodore Tepid Barton died at the incredible age of one hundred and two. As the best right center in rugby, Tepid Barton played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Crushers, then to the Walla Walla Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid Barton was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a strained big toe, a tweaked neck, and a crushed skull, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Alan Williams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Barton was, countered, "His tattoo."

Pfsr. Jones, the renowned inventor of the water wiggler has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. Jones has designed solar power.

Strongly being installed in Jones's home city, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Dr. Manning.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Jones mentioned his research into one-sided coins and carefully predicted results for later this decade.

KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.