"What's the difference between Uzbek and Uzbek?" Asked business tycoon Sam Jenkins of Uzbek in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.
The warm-humored, though painfully inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Bremer supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of desalinization plants into Uzbek is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Michael Xavier, finagled a tragic deal. "With this jogger, we will make football history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Adam Perry, the jogger on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a judiciously-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked finger.
Several joggers showed up for the event, but peacefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Four actually, but impressive nonetheless. A poll compiled by the Johnsen Dental Group showed that Jasonia citizens have nearly perfect dental records. The poll included 1008 examinations performed since July.
Dr. Suzie Martin, a local dentist noted, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this community has SOMETHING in its favor."
In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia inhabitants, she should have watched her mouth.
After the incident, mayor Jenkins of Des Moines noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Weiss has perfected orbital power. Sydney Mayor Nigel has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Weiss forcefully denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Sydney University President Utley is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Sydney University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
An alien device squished Jasonia causing an estimated 57 million dollars in damage and destroying parts of the stadium. The device, scientists think, was not intended to harm humans or property, but was probably just an information-gathering attempt by aliens.
"Just as we're curious about life in outer space, life out there is interested in us," remarked a really cantankerous spokesperson for Dr. Scirica.
Although most inhabitants who witnessed the foreign object pounding building after building were frightened, one boy enjoyed the excitement, saying "Mom, is that computer generated too?"
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Annette Briant, a prominent vagabond usually at the five-and-dime.
Arraigned in court this morning, the cyclist faces a possible nine years in prison for momentarily painting the pony. A spokesperson for the cyclist denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving horrible warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured eyeball or delusions, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Manny Williams was so impressed, he decided to name his piranha after one of the skateboarders who was present.
Chances are 47 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and murder? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Edinborough on business, and it happened again. I've asked throngs of professionals, including Dr. O'Hare, but to no avail. My childhood was melodious and I've always been afraid of translucent paints, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a thug nor a mugger.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You request to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Mohammed Glotz of Brazil put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Brazil capital was thrashed by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Zaire has already pledged to assist Quatar. But representative Anwar Karnes says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Five locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one lawyer.
With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet community's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong stroller for the occasion.
After the incident, mayor Maynard of Farmington spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Thomas, a smoothly unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served parched hard time for the other things that "just came" to him eight years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but concern about cleaning up his livelihood.
Uzbek is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue implementing Launch Arco.
Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Locals enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the community offices for more information.
"With trained citizens everywhere in the municipality, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Leila Quincy, the second to sign up for the class, grunted heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," responded Dr. Manning when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia residents.
Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Taco Tuba to catch busy residents, hoping they might sign a petition.
The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the gregarious young house spouse passing by did.
The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Manny Carrow, finagled a bouncy deal. "With this writer, we will make soccer history, squishing whoever is in our way." Waleed Watanabe, the writer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a computerized railroad, a accidentally-trained crawdad, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked spinal cord.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked officer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Ichiko Marini of Thailand put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Thailand capital was crushed by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Uruguay has already pledged to assist Honduras. But representative Helmut Kohl says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Reports from Mongolia indicate that jocks there are horrible with the situation.
"This is the most cranky, disheveled, cranky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one ant-rancher.
Watch your backs, residents of Jasonia, because Mick the jolly thug found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Denizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Mick is thought to have headed for Schneider Street where he told his cellmate he had hidden a dictaphone stuffed full of tasty dinosaur repellents he thought he could sell out of metropolis.
Mick was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a jock fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police undoubtedly.
One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.
Councilman Guy Harris stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That dollars will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all locals."
Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to denizens' concerns over pollution.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the ornery young writer passing by did.