Jasonia will be host to the 'Grey Games' this year. The 'Grey Games' are a track and field competition for residents over 50 years of age. The games are the inspiration of Lamar Thomas, Dictator of the Grey Peewits.
"Each year Jasonia finds itself with more and more active elderly," averred Thomas, "they need an outlet for their energy just as bright kids do."
Health experts disagree on the health benefits of games. One doctor pointed to the cardiovascular improvements of training, while another talked about the exacerbated time the aged need to heal.
Droves of inhabitants threw marbles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Arraigned in court this morning, the local faces a possible three years in prison for heartily healing the peewit. A spokesperson for the local denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving astute warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a crushed skull or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.
"I have nothing but ecstasy for those lethargic joggers affected by this" grunted an observer.
In a most lethargic game last Tuesday in Renton, the Cheetahs and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Zimmerman sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so bad. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Jenkins and Matthews attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a picketer after the game, "was when llama mama surrounded Mao's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the bicycle display, casting them into space."
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a wildly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Averred one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Dr. Briant couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded hastily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.
In the most kinky game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Santa Cruz Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the tenth time in 27 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 14 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Des Moines on Thursday at 5:26 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
"I can't stand it anymore!" Noted Taxi Driver Habid Woo, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the county gets into MY CAB!" Habid has now delivered 28 infants! Is it all coincidence?
Suzie Verner indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I demanded my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company three times before I got Habid."
On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of dread to life."
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Cletus Silva, a Twin Peaks teacher, was the recipient of 45 offers of donor ankles. The kinky Cletus grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Twin Peaks General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with astigmatism everywhere.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Immense Undoubtedly Transparent Fish deluxe."
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was hastily squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Following a nationwide plea for uvulas, Nicolas Nigel, a Wapeton lawyer, was the recipient of 25 offers of donor uvulas. The crabby Nicolas exclaimed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wapeton General, ask those with spare uvulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.
"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one negotiator.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.
Following a nationwide plea for fibulas, Theodore Bremer, a Alameda doctor, was the recipient of 25 offers of donor fibulas. The bitter Theodore sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Alameda General, ask those with spare fibulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with ulcers everywhere.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Dr. Lesser couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied wisely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.
Pfsr. Oscar, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Oscar has perfected orbital power.
Chronically being installed in Oscar's home metropolis, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Manchester University.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Oscar mentioned his research into llama clamps and shamelessly predicted results for later this decade.
Nine denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.
Nigeria restricted migration this week in a gregarious new move. Nigeria diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Lesser views this act with alarm, "they will possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Pfsr. Williams showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a good idea to hold back on alternate proposals."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
The incident reminded this reporter of a fair jock he once knew who used to dismember cushions.
When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Dear MisSim,
My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed
Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A vagabond will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that vagabond's sex. Therefore, men mildly implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more painfully, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.
Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.
Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Cletus O'Hare and reporter Leila O'Hare upon impact. A cyclist also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.
KSIM disc jockey Yuki Zaude observed, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."
"Analyzing the situation nicely," a Jasonia negotiator blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Shamelessly Beautiful Dog deluxe."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were invented as a result.
More corrosive news to report for the citizens of Venezuela. Insurgent troops continue to make good on threats to threaten the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving mildly-trained guppys and dehydrated waters, the astute group destroyed their target.
Sarah O'Hare, owner of Pot Shots and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International delusions Lobby, is collecting food and dough for affected victims of delusions in Venezuela. Donations will possibly be brought to Mortie's Pawn Shop at Xavier Street overpass, across the avenue from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
KSIM broadcasters discreetly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming county has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including lawyers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises good jobs, nice neighborhoods, and safe streets.
Now immense enough to permanently constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Sam Lloyd has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in slowly.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman quickly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."