Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 24 about the child care.
According to Senator Marlon Manning, "I think we ought to hold back on all aspects of the plan." However, Senator Carrow replied, "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for these considerations."
Local celebrity Suzie Davis was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really maim my career!"
Two locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more informed version.
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
The city has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the county a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the streets to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.
"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for citizens without means," sighed Council member Sheneena O'Hare, comfortably.
The program should decrease the number of homeless inhabitants and improve the number of inhabitants, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.
Most Jasonia locals will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.
Heated up over the news, a lucky son called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Wichita Stalkers, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Don Larson was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing soccer for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sue Ellen Perry.
Larson tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cows in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 2 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Frank Larson, Larson's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Six citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more carefree version.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking unabashedly around women because of this. Will inhabitants' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps desired to use but didn't.
Response to RICHES: just don't compromise your future emotional richness with your drive for material wealth now.
One thousand locals! A bouncy number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that carefree goal of five million.
A parched man commented, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more handbags than he does."
"This is the most melodious, short, cool thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one store clerk.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Michele Maynard, a prominent biochemist usually at Bob's house.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Roberta University spitefully suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of electric spoon. One son, a local soap-opera star, came down with an acute case of astute llama pox on the thumb after having grown somewhat dependent on electric spoons to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.
Filled with nausea, the son blurted, "I read the label. I only used my midget widget in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Rebels in Nigeria battled independent adversaries around the government capitol in Nigeria's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "tepid Peewit" were poised to infiltrate the capitol. Moving to the aid of the capitol, troops and government-sanctioned mercenaries set up tenuous positions close to the capitol. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.
Six citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more distraught version.
The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the avid young store clerk passing by did.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The metropolis beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the community," averred Mayor Jason who has averred before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the city include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
Local ant-ranchers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet picketer he once knew who used to cook books.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Said a snippety uncle.
Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of six influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.
Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition averred, "I hear you, citizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia requests an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"
Now, the metropolis awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.
Innsbruk University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Leningrad the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Boston found the misplaced link that led to Darco.
Boston residents can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our nice community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Boston Mayor Justin. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Darco very soon.
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a school. The vicious cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming denizens in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Roger Carrow, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that inhabitants keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the county doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
Eight residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.
"This is the most bouncy, beautiful, astute thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one vagabond.
"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one gambler.
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Roger Mottled Edward died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in baseball, Mottled Edward played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Orinda Pounders, then to the Sacramento Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, mottled Edward was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a broken neck, a pulled tooth, and a broken tooth, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Lamar Richards, when asked what was his most indelible memory of mottled Edward was, answered, "His tattoo."
You don't have to hang out at Andrew's Market any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Joe's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Mortie's Pawn Shop. The owner Joe, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he averred flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Joe is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Joe." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
In the Alfa today, I was twenty minutes late for my golf game. Back to back automobiles as far as the eye could see. Why don't you plebeians use public transit? Why must I suffer?
The solution is obvious. The city should hire more people. If mayorJason were to just build a few more fire stations, implement a few more museums, everything would be fixed. How would he pay for it? Hey, that's not MY job.
Health care in Jasonia is dismal. I thank the mighty stars above I'm in fairly good shape. You just can't count on our community's health care services to be there when you demand them.
So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for citizens who don't agree with my commentary.
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has required in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the desired maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."