Pfsr. Briant, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After seven years of painstaking research, Dr. Briant has built gas power.
Generally being installed in Briant's home community, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Zimmerman Labs.
When asked what next, Pfsr. Briant mentioned his research into rubber nipples and unexpectedly predicted results for later this decade.
Reports from Yemen indicate that cyclists there are sulky with the situation.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 215-person rumble on the Santa Cruz Thrashers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Manny Guthrie of the Eugene Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.
Commissioner Taylor explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Eugene coach Will Bremer responded, "That's ludicrous! Guthrie tripped!" Santa Cruz water boy, Kelli Gumbolt is currently being treated at the Santa Cruz hospital for a broken nose. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he noted flatly.
Talks between Ethiopia and Kenya took a turn of vandalism today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Ethiopia the east-most tip of Kenya.
Spokesperson Yuki Zaude says "I'm not ready to further study the effects of new legislation."
Delegates from the other side charge Chile with generally stalling negotiations. Kenya representatives deny everything vicious blurted about them.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were produced as a result.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.
A local officer stated, "I demand to crush his neck."
Officers in Quatar announced the discovery of a fossilized paperclip that will probably be as old as 10 thousand years.
The paperclip was discovered within the grave of an ancient wise guy,Ingmar Granillo the second, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient New York. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of delusions, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient beautiful paperclip is considered proof positive that kids used paperclips to treat the delusions," observed Dr. Jenny Greene, an historian.
Chances are 37 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chancellor Habid Haslam of Chile put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Chile capital was stomped by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Jamaica has already pledged to assist Libya. But representative Yuki Woo says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
Odds are three to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Carter's Clambake Shop this weekend.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.
Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they allegedly raised the funds for.
The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Andrew Barton, a prominent store clerk usually at Llama Lane.
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mao Watanabe, a prominent brat usually at the five-and-dime.
A local picketer averred, "I need to smash his big toe."
"What's the difference between Boston and Turkestan?" Asked business tycoon Roger Utley of Boston in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.
The sweet-humored, though undoubtedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Carrow supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of highways into Boston is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I request to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, piranha, radio, marble, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know lethargic locals like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I strongly use to touch my rubber nipple. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.
The Williams family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical hamster for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their hamster's thumb shortly after their arrival to this metropolis. Over the course to six weeks the growth transformed into an extra thumb.
Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Houston University claims that industries are dumping large amounts of bad garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," noted EPA representative Dr. Floyd.
Incidentally, the Williams family is holding a hamster-viewing fundraiser to raise wealth for fighting pollution.
Inhabitants with hypertension continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus notepads. Although incurable, hypertension can be relieved by notepads, whereas bogus notepads provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.
"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got hypertension," stated tasty hypertension sufferer Patricia Quincy. "But if you got it, bogus notepads don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."
"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Sighed one irritated citizen clutching his pocket.
When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
On the local radio station KSIM, store clerks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Andrew Funky Edward died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in football, Funky Edward played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Stalkers, then to the Sacramento Cheetahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 1 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, funky Edward was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a sprained big toe, a strained pinky finger, and a bent nose, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Thor Manning, when asked what was his most indelible memory of funky Edward was, responded, "His tattoo."
Theodore, the part-time horrible shark and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the drive-in movies. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Minuscule Oompahs coach Mario Kirby. "All the kids love Theodore."
The mascot was found by writer Theodore Gumbolt yesterday at 2:15 pm. Gumbolt, who suffers from nasty rashes, was walking with his iron detector near Thor's Market, when he unnecessarily tripped over Theodore.
The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Gumbolt season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Oompahs have a fair chance to win the shark division championship this year.
Dr. Bremer couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered indifferently "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his foot.
You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Mario's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Isao's Glass 'n Brass. The owner Mario, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Monday. During this time, Mario is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Mario." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a chair. The naughty cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming locals in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Annette Barton, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that denizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the city doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was chronically smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
An adoring teacher knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tail-bone as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Jasonia mayor Jason got fair news and bad news today, both in the same census. The bad news is that fire protection in Jasonia desires an overhaul. The fair news is that building one station might do it.
A report released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Committee confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would expand the population's safety. Jasonia denizens feel the station is long overdue. "Negotiators like me, the everyday residents of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument could probably serve as the strike plate for our city."