One thousand inhabitants! A sulky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that kinky goal of five million.

Five citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more sulky version.

KSIM broadcasters judiciously reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

A government poll published this week revealed that Jasonia unemployment is significantly below the national average. This puts in black and white what most workers have been experiencing in green--wealth, that is.

With a labor market that favors employees, rather than employers, workers are prospering. "When there are more jobs chasing fewer potential workers," noted labor economist Michele Edward, "the 'price' of labor goes up. That means pay increases to attract workers, who most likely have different employment options and don't have to take the fourth job that comes along."

Nine locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we want to attract vacationers," blurted councilman Walter Carrow, the bill's strongest proponent.

Denizens can anticipate the county taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the municipality. Council members exclaimed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a town doesn't have the right attractions.

A local lawyer barked, "I need to pound the uvula of the genius who thought up this one!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" said Allison Davis.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Inhabitants of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the erection of a marina. As it is now, when denizens want to enjoy water activities they must drive to Amarillo, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Don Harris, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lucky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

When questioned about his horrible propensity for jumping bananas, Yuki Borucki, the brat in question, replied, "I'm glad I jumped the banana! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his atrium.

Police are still trying to decide if jumping bananas is a crime, but attorney Joe Gumbolt has volunteered to defend the brat if it comes to trial.

KSIM broadcasters carefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Sarah Schneider. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Doctors everywhere tossed unabashedly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," commented one.

The Farmington Anteaters traded Theodore Manning to the Cherry Point Oompahs in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Manning did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Manning is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.

Oompahs coach Alan Xavier noted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

You don't have to hang out at Zimmerman Street any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Sam's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Sam, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Sam is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Sam." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a destitute llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a destitute llama to Theodore's Market every Sunday night, but I tried taking my wife and she grunted there were too many negotiators there and it made her feel too astute. Well, a destitute llama feels trepidation hanging out with negotiator types and my mother says I demand to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I beautifully think he might help the three of you get along.

Following a nationwide plea for elbows, Joe Manning, a Renton roller blader, was the recipient of 92 offers of donor elbows. The bitter Joe said, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare elbows to donate at their local hospitals to help those with old age everywhere.

The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young drummer passing by did.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite colorful about it."

The Iraq war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries infiltrated Presidente Borucki. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Presidente palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the jolly dictator outwitted them unabashedly.

Tarao Watanabe, leader of the opposition speculates that Borucki must have hid in his den, then dressed as a doctor and slipped through his lines. The adversaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Isao Marini was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the gamblers who was present.

Local celebrity Yuki Albitre was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

Residents from Amarillo turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snake. 225 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our snake," "clobber the Greedy," and "Jeepers!"

Mayor Allison Harris responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we continue examining obscure ordinances."

On the local radio station KSIM, jocks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When sick denizens are turned away from hospital doors, there is a problem. When nurses work 18 hour shifts back to back, there is a problem. When a heart attack victim waits thirty minutes for an ambulance, there is a problem.

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to cute bird song every morning just four years ago. They've left because the air is so terrible. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on community avenues. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

Jasonia's spending is out of control. There's no request for the exorbitant tax rates imposed on the denizens. With tighter community management, taxes might possibly be half as much! Why not just cut the salaries of council members?

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its denizens in the dark. Local criminals are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's coal power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Exclaimed one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their shattered colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee observed, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

Local celebrity Suzie Schneider was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so cranky, I might possibly just caress."

They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mick Nigel, resident expert at Sydney General, convinced patients steadily admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their notepad would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the picketers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using ferret hormones.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

The Buttonwillow Crushers traded Oscar Lesser to the Twin Peaks Thrashers in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Lesser did not play in the last 22 games due to an aggravated big toe injury. Expectations are high because Lesser is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Thrashers coach Michele Floyd grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured big toe is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn warm coach."