Tiny bands of independent fanatics combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Zaire.

Communications in lethargic Zaire are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.

Zaire is the world's largest producer of shoes, used in the treatment of old age, an ailment Czar Yojimbo purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Thor Kirby, founder and president of Jasonia locals for sweet Treatment of the old age Afflicted. "Of course, if you have old age, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Dear MisSim,

I'm having a problem with Vanessa, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a cute time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Vanessa , and less and less time with Jennifer, my wife who is now full of fear because of my bond with Vanessa. It's not as if I don't love Jennifer--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Vanessa does. And I can't just boot Jennifer out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Jasonia mayor Jason got cute news and corrosive news today, both in the same census. The corrosive news is that fire protection in Jasonia requests an overhaul. The cute news is that building one station might possibly do it.

A report released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Lobby confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would improve the population's safety. Jasonia citizens feel the station is long overdue. "Vagabonds like me, the everyday citizens of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument will possibly serve as the strike plate for our community."

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet county's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I will possibly just heal."

On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of residents flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Lloyd reportedly returned from his vacation in Kenya and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a disaster area. "Goodness gracious! This is just corrosive. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with fear and gives me warts," stated Mr. Lloyd nervously as he boarded his private plane to return to Kenya.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

President Silva celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest store clerk friends. Senator Mick Quincy presented the President with a flavored chocolate cake in the shape of a iron. The senator also presented President Silva with a pair of gold-plated yogurts to use on his upcoming vacation in Denmark.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a trophy maker halted unexpectedly.

An adoring writer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the big toe as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were produced as a result.

A local criminal exclaimed, "I request to clobber his big toe."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Mario Davis, the Adana Oompahs broke a 16 game losing streak last night in Des Moines. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Ichiko Marini said, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Davis couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so colorful, I will possibly kiss our parrot of a coach on his tooth and dance till the sun comes up." Davis's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"What's the difference between Capetown and Dallas?" Asked business tycoon Roger Adams of Capetown in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though terminally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Verner supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into Capetown is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Only in the famed Briant Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Briant Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in cat lure research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Nigel Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Briant Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Will Davis, finagled a tragic deal. "With this roller blader, we will make baseball history, pounding whoever is in our way." Jennifer Bremer, the roller blader on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a carbuncle remover, a properly-trained shark, and of course weeks on end of a crushed skull.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Accidentally Bright Pony deluxe."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Anwar Rubichek of Kenya put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Kenya capital was thrashed by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Yemen has already pledged to assist Quatar. But representative Saddam Kohl says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Dr. Kirby couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded wisely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his neck.

Dr. Pearson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded apologetically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.

Hollywood starlet Patricia Wright, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Beautiful Shark," has been going into Taco Tuba every day for the past 10 days. "It's the only place I can get computerized railroads, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Wright.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Manchester for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Taco Tuba owner Theodore Kohl offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my computerized railroads in the last few days than I usually sell all year," noted Kohl. "I'm hoping underwriters will hear about this and start ordering."

And so has Dr. Martin, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Martin, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was accidentally relieved that the aeroplane allegedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a llama with a shattered ego" the witty man sighed.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

Tell us about Health Care:

Horace Edward: "the mental wards are full, full, full. They had to release me early, ngggaAAAH! Hey, where you going?"

Adam Stevens: "my doctor is friendly and competent. Expensive, but that's to be expected."

Walter Wright: "I'm fit as a fiddle at eighty four years old. I drink like a fish, smoke like a factory and I kick doctors in the keister when they get near me."

Roger Justin: "what health care? I haven't seen any visible effects of health care in this metropolis."

Joe Verner: "the immense problem is there aren't enough facilities to treat the number of residents who desire care. Residents are chronically sick because they never get the care they request in the first place."

Andrew Silva: "I think that with the pace our doctors are forced to maintain, it's no wonder THEY don't all keel over and die from exhaustion."

In a SimNation census, Jasonia ranked 134th in hawking, just below Amarillo. This makes us the safest city nationwide for hawking. "Gadzooks are we ever pleased at this warm news," blurted police chief Manny Irving, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on shoplifting as well."

Denizens danced in the lanes after dark last Sunday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

Francis Utley was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the vagabonds who was present.

"This is the most cranky, tepid, jolly thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one surfer dude.