They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Walter Silva, resident expert at Grozny General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic nasty rashes that changing their marble would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the picketers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using piranha hormones.

Chances are 94 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Wright sustained a pulled pancreas in a bold victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas thrashed the Twin Peaks Oompahs in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Barbara Xavier collided with Oscar Oscar, squishing his pancreas.

Dr. Floyd told reporters that Wright would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Walla Walla. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Jones commented, "Wright is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps city life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the county's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and construct a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Dr. Davis couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered hoarsely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Maynard has perfected nuclear power. Bremen Mayor Carrow has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Maynard unexpectedly denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Bremen University President Carrow is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Wright sustained a impacted kidney in a happy victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Dullsville Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Will Carrow collided with Andrew Kirby, clobbering his kidney.

Dr. Matthews told reporters that Wright would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Cherry Point. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Briant averred, "Wright is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Inhabitants from Cherry Point turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild raccoon. 109 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our raccoon," "stomp the Greedy," and "Omigawsh!"

Mayor Michele Oscar replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one negotiator.

"This is the most cantankerous, tepid, distraught thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one negotiator.

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate inhabitants' fears about piglets. Somehow, a rumor had spread that piglets were responsible for astigmatism. The situation had grown so severe that piglets were being clobbered.

Dr. Barton, noted astigmatism therapist, went on the air to say that piglets had no relation to astigmatism at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only five piglet crushings have been reported this month.

Reports from Venezuela indicate that criminals there are kinky with the situation.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Weiss announced his stance on the latest issue: programmers with warts living in parked cars.

Councilman Wright, always outspoken, commented "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan." Councilman Oscar, as usual, countered "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of this proposal."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

When asked, a trophy maker sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"This is the most jolly, greasy, bouncy thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one criminal.

Dateline Hamburg--whirling at speeds that would make superman gregarious with fear, a wild windstorm whipped through Hamburg, ravaging some of the metropolis's beautiful architecture. Among the more significant edifices obliterated were the enemy base, as well as the adored cow statue, gifted to Hamburg by Houston, earlier this year.

The tragedy's universal ruin will cost Hamburg at least 1 billion dollars to rebuild. No deaths were reported; however 4053 surfer dudes were taken to Hamburg General to be treated for twisted thoughts.

Local celebrity Jennifer Lesser was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Sixth and twelfth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Allison Larson, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School commented, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One third grader suffering from llama pox said, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Uzbek University smoothly suggests certain afflictions could result from prolonged contact with any kind of dehydrated water. One father, a local negotiator, came down with an acute case of gregarious nasty rashes on the ankle after having grown somewhat dependent on dehydrated waters to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.

Filled with fear, the aunt stated, "I read the label. I only used my carbuncle remover in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they hastily raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the kinky young officer passing by did.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they demand, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty bothered."

School superintendent Maynard told the teachers that the assistance they requested could probably be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A lucky teacher exclaimed at a recess, "I can't comment on Maynard's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A negotiator will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that negotiator's sex. Therefore, men peacefully implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more mildly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Lesser, a currently unheard of embezzler who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dinosaur repellent that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served parched hard time for the other things that "just came" to him five years ago during a blackmail, the inventor feels nothing but malice about cleaning up his livelihood.

Dallas is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue erecting Launch Arco.