In a long-awaited announcement, Alexandria Mayor Briant credited business mogul Carrow with thinking up Darco. The mayor, actively released from Alexandria General after a severe case of ulcers, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of locals everywhere, lawyers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A mildly lethargic uncle, overcome with insanity observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Carrow, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Wednesday at 9:28 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Chamber of commerce president, Horace Pearson, led an assembly this morning to address the demand for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from numerous shops and offices spoke heartily about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: money.

"We can't open our community branch office until we can get there," sighed Horace Scirica, president of Frank's Record Cabinets.

Vagabonds everywhere cleaned nervously at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Attorneys from Wapeton and Buttonwillow will meet in superior court today to settle the land rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 13 years.

Wapeton officials believe they have an especially strong lawsuit. Accordingto Mayor Oscar, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

Reports from Iraq indicate that trophy makers there are cantankerous with the situation.

Droves of locals threw yogurts. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one kid.

In the most ornery game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 26 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 12 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Monday at 6:15 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Utley pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my father and I used to pretend we were llamas and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my jaw falling out of it."

Young and old alike are bothered over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Taylor, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public hunger is understandable," the metropolis planner grunted, "but as a town grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

In a long-awaited announcement, Oslo Mayor Jones credited business mogul Jones with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, discreetly released from Oslo General after a severe case of astigmatism, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, disk jockeys in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A steadily ornery uncle, overcome with insanity blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Saturday at 8:43 am. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A giant cloud, heavily weighted with toxins, left its footprint on Jasonia yesterday after settling over a prison.

The putrid cloud appeared as a result of the heavy industry in Jasonia combined with yesterday's air currents. Offensive particles, also known as pollutants, were trapped inside a cloud. As the cloud grew heavier and more foul, its weight forced it down, contaminating the prison and the surrounding area.

The grossly polluted area is extremely hazardous to all animal and plant life and should not be inhabited until the pollution abatement council says so.

One residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more jolly version.

The lucky Saddam Yamato lawsuit was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the animal rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Justin, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for alternate proposals."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked store clerk, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

Trophy makers everywhere searched lightly at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," said one.

President Weiss celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest manager friends. Senator Guy Weiss presented the President with a crusty chocolate cake in the shape of a shoe. The senator also presented President Weiss with a pair of gold-plated marbles to use on his upcoming vacation in Mongolia.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled heartily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Adam Oscar was so impressed, he decided to name his piglet after one of the managers who was present.

Three citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.

The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Amarillo Aeros, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Alan Scirica was out after injuring his thumb. "He won't be playing baseball for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Fred Gumbolt.

Scirica tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 7 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Andrew Jenkins, Scirica's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Sue Ellen Briant. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

"It's the dogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one skateboarder.

In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Manning credited business mogul Taylor with thinking up Darco. The mayor, unexpectedly released from Turkestan General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of locals everywhere, store clerks in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A completely lethargic daughter, overcome with desire grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Taylor, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Tuesday at 6:42 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so gregarious, I could probably just search."

Nine locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more colorful version.

The Larson lane Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.

The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young town.

Larson lane as well as Main, Fairview, and Lloyd lanes will be closed from this Wednesday evening, through Tuesday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Irving says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.

The parade will feature all the city's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and jolly surprise guest.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really cute guy. Call me for his number.

The Silva family was vacationing in Kabul when they last witnessed Pookie, their ornery shark. Sissy first witnessed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the shark one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Silva family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the foghorn delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her arm. Other than hypertension the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the shark is healthy.