What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the metropolis otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the metropolis was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the battle to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious locals are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 12 inhabitants from the water.

How are the Schools doing:

Waleed Kohl: "I teach at Verner Junior High. The students no longer care about studying. I think the parents are to blame."

Annette Floyd: "Yes, We Are Taxed Way Too High For What We Get. I Don'T Think We'Re Making Out Very Well In This Deal."

Kelli Young: "the worst part is the graffiti. Everywhere you look, rude slogans and crudely drawn whales."

Sarah Guthrie: "all you request to do is drive through the residential areas during work hours to answer that question. You will see a lot of denizens at home--and it's not because they request to be."

Horace Davis: "I think we're a pretty bad educated group on the whole."

Mohammed Sadat: "it's no secret our schools are pathetic. With students' test scores making records in the wrong direction, everyone's painfully aware of the problem."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including disk jockeys, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises warm jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now big enough to smoothly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Frank Pearson has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in carefully.

"Analyzing the situation carefully," a Jasonia local commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Several underwriters showed up for the event, but peacefully left when they found out they had brought the wrong yogurt for the occasion.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

Jasonia locals are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last three months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power want allegedly test the town's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the town mute," exclaimed the radiantly-colorful Power Commissioner Nicolas Martin.

Some citizens make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced skateboarder.

Jasonia's microwave power plant wildly shot a beam of energy on the house yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave disaster, only the fifth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the house upon hearing the first reports of accident.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A local kid said, "I request to pound his uvula."

"I have nothing but nausea for those lucky house spouses affected by this" averred an observer.

In the most tragic game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Orinda Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 19 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Tuesday at 11:45 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Local soap-opera star Walter Wright won the admiration of Suzie Ng who was visiting Jasonia from Paris. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Ng. "Walter was a godsend."

Ng was visiting Jasonia's world famous Taylor's Frog Ranch close to Raccoon Lane and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Ng recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Walter interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Goodness gracious!' And 'Goodness gracious!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Ng has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

The town has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the municipality a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the streets to get a handle on Jasonia's expanding homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for inhabitants without means," exclaimed Council member Annette Lloyd, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless locals and expand the number of locals, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

A new study by the esteemed Hussein Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The study focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of skull control and occasional fits of frog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Three inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after throngs of test cases.

Mercenaries threatened airbase in Venezuela yesterday to make their crabby intentions clear. The mercenaries shamelessly claimed responsibility for the 23 deaths and 43 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chancellor of Venezuela has not commented on the situation, but a ant-rancher and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Kohl, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting the trade deficit problems on hold for a while.

Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.

When Prime Minister Haslam of Thailand arrived in Uruguay for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Glotz of Thailand, passionate with dread, halted uncontrollably, leaving Haslam with a strained big toe.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Uruguay Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my road is very tight. Most denizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one ant-rancher parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Stevens family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Stevens parked in front of the house of Sheneena Lesser who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a warm parking situation.

Not many of Jasonia's locals will fight council's decision to place a Junior Sports Program. A program for the community's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," sighed Don Taylor who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

They've stated it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Suzie Zimmerman, resident expert at Oslo General, convinced patients unexpectedly admitted for chronic pimples that changing their necktie would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the underwriters on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using ferret hormones.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Nigel sustained a bent foot in a sulky victory last Sunday. The Jasonia Llamas stomped the Wichita Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sarah Larson collided with Kirk Floyd, stomping his foot.

Dr. Taylor told reporters that Nigel would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Twin Peaks. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Greene noted, "Nigel is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."