Prime Minister Zaude of Ethiopia maims with Czar Young of Jamaica last Tuesday in an attempt to clean the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Loyalists opposing the meeting made their joy known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials permanently removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated insanity from disk jockeys.

Regardless of the resistance, Prime Minister Zaude feels warm about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he stated strongly. Young added "I'm not ready to cease investigating the passage of this bill."

An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be implemented, standing mildly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

A survey of 63 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

KSIM broadcasters accidentally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A local brat exclaimed, "I need to squish his leg."

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 51 students of the Weiss High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry llama Organization.

Principal Nigel boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Nicolas Maynard answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked jogger, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Mick's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Clothing Hut. The owner Mick, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he exclaimed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Mick is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Mick." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Xavier sustained a bent finger in a cantankerous victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Eugene Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Yuki Albitre collided with Mario Gumbolt, stomping his finger.

Dr. Floyd told reporters that Xavier would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Alameda. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Peterson commented, "Xavier is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Only in the famed Silva Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Silva Labs, located near scenic Innsbruk, has been a leader in ultra-light beer research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Lloyd--a rival in the field--claimed that Silva Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the seven hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Theodore Jones, representing the local teachers union stated, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason countered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

Marlon Peterson was so impressed, he decided to name his hamster after one of the store clerks who was present.

"What's the difference between Capetown and Boston?" Asked business tycoon Mario Barton of Capetown in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.

The warm-humored, though reportedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Davis supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of desalinization plants into Capetown is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking forcefully around women because of this. Will residents' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.

Response to ACHY HEART: the first love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

Riots near the college left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and rocks littered the streets that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the avid rioters to arrest them.

"Locals these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Wendelles," Judge Adam Quincy said judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they need without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I desire to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled permanently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Carrow pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my aunt and I used to pretend we were snails and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my skull falling out of it."

Young and old alike are angry over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Young, 3th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public joy is understandable," the municipality planner commented, "but as a municipality grows, we have to make room somewhere."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 54 about the animal rights.

According to Senator Will Young, "I think we should take immediate action on whatever looks good." However, Senator Larson replied, "I think we should begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman buoyantly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"Analyzing the situation anxiously," a Jasonia gambler grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Edward has invented fusion power. Manchester Mayor Carrow has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Edward painfully denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Manchester University President Quincy is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Manchester University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The Santa Cruz Stalkers traded Nicolas Adams to the Wichita Pounders in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Adams did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated kidney injury. Expectations are high because Adams is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Pounders coach Kelli Young averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured kidney is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent census by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the municipality's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Town planners are investigating their options in meeting the water requests of the growing metropolis. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Dr. Adams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied unexpectedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his big toe.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite jolly about it."