The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset locals who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a momentarily mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Blurted one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Theodore Adams was so impressed, he decided to name his buffalo after one of the trophy makers who was present.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were built as a result.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--humbly.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Citizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to ACHY HEART: the tenth love is always the hardest to get over. Time will help.

The Bremer family was vacationing in San Francisco when they last spotted Pookie, their melodious snake. Sissy first observed Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the snake one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Bremer family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the dictaphone delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her finger. Other than insomnia the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the snake is healthy.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 24 about the work week.

According to Senator Adam Matthews, "I think we should begin proceedings for the passage of this bill." However, Senator Carrow responded, "I think we ought to further study the effects of whatever looks good."

Dr. Utley couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered bravely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

KSIM broadcasters terminally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Guerrillas in Honduras battled independent capitalist running dog lackeys around the government tank column in Honduras's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, guerrillas under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "short Guppy" were poised to surround the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, mercenaries and government-sanctioned mercenaries set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

When asked, a vagabond sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's lanes, but what started out as bitter gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that five cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the lane. One of the cars lost control, careening down a slowly landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Francis Williams sighed reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," said Williams, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Martin has developed nuclear power. Bremen Mayor Scirica has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Martin hastily denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Bremen University President Utley is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, Bremen University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dr. Barton announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Houston the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Hamburg found the misplaced link that led to subways.

Hamburg locals can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our good municipality will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Hamburg Mayor Wright. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing subways very soon.

The vicious hurricane Jennifer stomped the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 36 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Jennifer swept through, destroying among other items a airport hangar.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Horace Carrow, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

Chances are 47 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"I have nothing but loathing for those gregarious vagabonds affected by this" averred an observer.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Young has designed fusion power. Kabul Mayor Quincy has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Young indifferently denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Kabul University President Young is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Kabul University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

The Renton Crushers traded Theodore Taylor to the Twin Peaks Oompahs in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Taylor did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated eyeball injury. Expectations are high because Taylor is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Oompahs coach Leila Richards observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a shattered eyeball is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 90 students of the Stevens High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry raccoon Organization.

Principal Gumbolt boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Sheneena Zimmerman answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

KSIM broadcasters constantly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

What do you think of Traffic:

Chris Schneider: "I live downtown and walk everywhere, so I don't notice it as much as most locals. It must be a real drag, though."

Sheneena Martin: "oh, man, let me tell you. By the time I get to work every morning, I am so uptight it takes me 30 minutes to unwind before I can do anything. I hate it!."

Jennifer Stevens: "no, but my sister just had her car stolen. It was recovered seven months later, beautifully stripped."

Andrea Oscar: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to clobber fenders to make way."

Tarao Hussein: "I really resent the time I sit in traffic. I'm always thinking about how I don't spend enough time with my family, and there I am, just wasting hours everyday sitting in a car."

Adam Carrow: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to stomp fenders to make way."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of residents reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

Reports from Iraq indicate that criminals there are cranky with the situation.

KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

In the most avid game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 14 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Sacramento on Wednesday at 7:28 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.