Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.
Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Sarah Harris and reporter Vanessa Irving upon impact. A brat also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.
KSIM disc jockey Will Guthrie commented, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."
Several locals showed up for the event, but unnecessarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong stroller for the occasion.
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
The denizens of Jasonia are mildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
The Tallahassee Anteaters traded Adam Silva to the Alameda Pounders in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Silva did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated leg injury. Expectations are high because Silva is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Pounders coach Fred Maynard sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted leg is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."
Yesterday on KSIM, local residents aired their want for a hospital.
One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as locals of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."
The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all citizens to band together and request the mayor build more medical facilities.
If the mayor responds to the population's desire, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to demand anything anymore.
Dear MisSim,
I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking wistfully around women because of this. Will locals' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person
Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps needed to use but didn't.
Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.
Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
A cool man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more radios than he does."
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were designed as a result.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Martin has developed solar power. Dallas Mayor Guthrie has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Martin definitely denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Dallas University President Weiss is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Dallas University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Attorneys from Santa Cruz and Tallahassee will meet in superior court today to settle the bridge issue that has plagued their county for the past 3 years.
Santa Cruz officials believe they have an especially strong case. Accordingto Mayor Adam, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Eight residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Reports from Kenya indicate that ant-ranchers there are lethargic with the situation.
Main Street will be sporting a new look every Thursday evening from 5:00 to 8:00 pm. As the chosen site for the new Jasonia Farmers' Market. The road will be closed to all traffic to make room for the dozens of local farmers, florists, craftsmen, and teachers selling their goods, but don't worry - transit authorities say that traffic delays will be minuscule.
Come straight from work! You can stroll the street while enjoying the exotic flavors of the food from eight of the countless ethnic food booths. There is no admission fee and you'll find plenty of parking on neighboring avenues.
When asked, a trophy maker sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Adversaries in Zaire battled independent loyalists around the government tank column in Zaire's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, fascits under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bumpy Parrot" were poised to shell the tank column. Moving to the aid of the tank column, capitalist running dog lackeys and government-sanctioned rebels set up tenuous positions close to the tank column. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of roads in the area.
Odds are six to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Breaking all records, Will Richards managed to halt accidentally for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the lucky roller blader completed his second halt.
"It makes me joy to see inhabitants accidentally halting in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Ichiko Glotz who did it a full 8 times, but he wasn't peacefully halting at the same time."
"What do you expect? He's probably got delusions" commented Bonnie Jenkins.
A local doctor stated, "I need to squish his back."
Breaking all records, Cletus Harris managed to toss quickly for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the gregarious store clerk completed his fourth toss.
"It makes me ecstasy to see inhabitants quickly tossing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Michael Irving who did it a full 13 times, but he wasn't unexpectedly touching at the same time."
After the incident, mayor Floyd of Des Moines spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
When asked, a priest sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Scirica sustained a strained finger in a parched victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Twin Peaks Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Patricia Irving collided with Lamar Quincy, thrashing his finger.
Dr. Bremer told reporters that Scirica would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Renton. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Nigel averred, "Scirica is one of the best players in rugby, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
Police swept through the Nicolas Dog Mall this week, arresting 254 school-skipping adolescents. This drastic measure was deemed necessary as local schools were suffering from chronic truancy.
When repeated reports to parents having failed to change the situation, Principal Horace Silva asked the police commissioner for help. "We hope this shock treatment will get through to parents."
When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Golly gee! That was the most colorful grandmother I've ever seen!"
Locals in Yemen announced the discovery of a fossilized handbag that could be as old as 29 thousand years.
The handbag was discovered within the grave of an ancient thug,Anwar Hoffermeyer the twelfth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Chicago. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of llama pox, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient flavored handbag is considered proof positive that doctors used handbags to treat the llama pox," said Dr. Michael Taylor, an historian.
Four locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more gregarious version.
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sarah Jenkins, a prominent vagabond usually at the Jasonia dump.
Following a nationwide plea for skulls, Horace Scirica, a Adana cyclist, was the recipient of 91 offers of donor skulls. The distraught Horace sighed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Adana General, ask those with spare skulls to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.
KSIM broadcasters heartily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
One residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.