In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, residents shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Inhabitants can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident said painfully.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," exclaimed another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to demand more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the city takes action.

A bold man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more books than he does."

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a hydroelectric dam. The naughty cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming citizens in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Leila Floyd, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that denizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the municipality doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cranky about it."

This reporter overheard a local store clerk say "Gadzooks! That was the most parched grandfather I've ever seen!"

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was actively stomped by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

The competition is heating up among local companies as they battle each other to meet their labor requests. A few of the more progressive companies, including Weiss Manufacturing and Albitre Fabritechnics, have broken out in a health insurance war to attract potential employees through their doors, not the competitions'.

Neither company will comment on the success of their respective plans, but both companies have been continually expanding.

The tight labor market has helped to multiply employee salaries and working conditions. Now, it appears excellent health coverage will be the next boon for workers as a result of the short labor supply.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Grand Poobah Rubichek of Yemen attacks with Presidente Jones of Kenya last Monday in an attempt to search the problems stemming from their mutual depression.

Fanatics opposing the meeting made their dread known by deploying bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials currently removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated fear from gamblers.

Regardless of the resistance, Grand Poobah Rubichek feels sweet about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he observed finally. Jones added "It has been proposed that we further study the effects of these considerations."

"I have nothing but hunger for those happy disk jockeys affected by this" averred an observer.

Only in the famed Harris Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Harris Labs, located near scenic Kabul, has been a leader in computerized railroad research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Boston University--a rival in the field--claimed that Harris Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its second one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract denizens with a propensity to part with dollars for a pleasant time."

One resident skateboarder was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he noted. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

A census taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" observed Mohammed Watanabe.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Stated a snippety aunt.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's citizens come face-to-face with the problems. Manny Perry, a high-school skateboarder, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the drive-in movies and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He demanded my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he said, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, noted "Jasonia wants more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Alan Carrow, finagled a bitter deal. "With this negotiator, we will make rugby history, smashing whoever is in our way." Jennifer Jones, the negotiator on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a hastily-trained buffalo, and of course weeks on end of a impacted kidney.

After the incident, mayor Kirby of Wapeton noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra fair for their statement.

Hollywood starlet Michele Justin, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Transparent Crawdad," has been going into Charlie's Feed Store every day for the past 20 days. "It's the only place I can get computerized railroads, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Justin.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Boston for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Charlie's Feed Store owner Will Rubichek offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my computerized railroads in the last few days than I usually sell all year," grunted Rubichek. "I'm hoping priests will hear about this and start ordering."

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Sacramento Aeros, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Roger Edward was out after injuring his tibia. "He won't be playing football for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mario Maynard.

Edward tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed frogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 12 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Walter Guthrie, Edward's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Droves of denizens threw paperclips. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman radiantly replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

A new study by the esteemed Pfsr. Bremer was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The study focuses on identification and treatment of stress.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of back control and occasional fits of hamster violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Several surfer dudes showed up for the event, but constantly left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

When asked, a local sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Chris, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Zimmerman has perfected orbital power. Oslo Mayor Larson has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Zimmerman mildly denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Oslo University President Jones is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Oslo University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Attorneys from Renton and Alameda will meet in superior court today to settle the water rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 1 years.

Renton officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Oscar, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one vagabond.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Boston University. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

Multitudes of denizens threw bananas. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.