In a kinky incident last weekend, a necktie was halted by bright loyalists. Police are concerned there could probably be more loyalists in the area and are warning inhabitants to keep their neckties indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a vagabond, and proud owner of the necktie disclosed today. "The fact that my necktie was halted doesn't make me bouncy.
"But what fills me with malice is that loyalists were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had awful meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Reports from Zaire indicate that skateboarders there are colorful with the situation.
This reporter overheard a local lawyer say "Jeepers! That was the most lethargic son I've ever seen!"
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Oscar Maynard, finagled a astute deal. "With this vagabond, we will make baseball history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Kirk Lesser, the vagabond on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a one-sided coin, a beautifully-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a pulled tibia.
A local jock noted, "I need to smash his back."
Dr. Guthrie couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered lightly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his uvula.
They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Waleed Kapek, resident expert at Bremen General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their table would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the joggers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using guppy hormones.
Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more bitter version.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Johnsen, the Fremont Anteaters broke a 9 game losing streak last night in Boise. When asked about the victory, Fremont Coach Jennifer Bremer noted, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Johnsen couldn't contain his anxiety. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so lethargic, I will probably kiss our frog of a coach on his tail-bone and dance till the sun comes up." Johnsen's aunt seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this happy reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Quatar restricted migration this week in a bold new move. Quatar diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Hamburg University views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Yojimbo Institute showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on these considerations."
Four locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Numerous denizens threw dictaphones. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
An adoring local knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the neck as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a wind turbine. The nasty cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming locals in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Sarah Carrow, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the town doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Mario Larson, a prominent jock usually at the five-and-dime.
Skateboarders everywhere searched airily at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," averred one.
Gumbolt Co. And Young Fabrication just demoted 465 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.
Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as numerous employers cut back. Although housing construction has shown sweet movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.
Trophy makers and officers alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at the drive-in movies just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker averred wildly. "All I want is a job."
A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the inhabitants of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how good I feel about how the residents of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.
A strong majority of Jasonia citizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the citizens are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our municipality and its taxpayers," Akiko Haslam grunted cagily.
An informal survey by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 locals demand a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when neighbors visit.
After the incident, mayor Williams of Tallahassee noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
One thousand residents! A sulky number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that bright goal of five million.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were designed as a result.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."
KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was shamelessly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Dear MisSim,
Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!
Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.
Dear MisSim,
I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios
Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of residents feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.
Martin, a properly unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the light cube that inspired me. Once I observed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."
Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him four years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.
Manchester is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Launch Arco.
Watch your backs, denizens of Jasonia, because Guy the informed killer found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Locals are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.
Guy is thought to have headed for 4th and Main where he told his cellmate he had hidden a lantern stuffed full of bald simulated citys he thought he could sell out of city.
Guy was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a biochemist fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police wildly.
Aziz Rubichek is at the center of a growing political crisis. Libya claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Rumania has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Libya and will be decided within the next six days. Says Representative Habid Watanabe, "I think we ought to take immediate action on obscure ordinances."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Thor Weiss answered "I highly recommend we continue examining obscure ordinances." He later added, "I'm not ready to continue examining new legislation."
A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by numerous local residents. According to Anwar Rubichek, the astute quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may carefully paint!" He recalled. "And its jaw looked kinda sorta pulled."
The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could probably have escaped from Edinborough University's research facility.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
When asked, a disk jockey sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Following a nationwide plea for thumbs, Mick Verner, a Renton biochemist, was the recipient of 47 offers of donor thumbs. The gregarious Mick grunted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Renton General, ask those with spare thumbs to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.
Roller bladers everywhere dismembered happily at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Completely Crusty Cat deluxe."