"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we want to attract vacationers," noted councilman Mario Wright, the bill's strongest proponent.

Citizens can anticipate the city taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the municipality. Council members exclaimed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a community doesn't have the right attractions.

"I have nothing but spite for those who supported this ordinance," offered a officer, spontaneously.

Dr. Jones couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered enthusiastically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.

Heated up over the news, a tragic daughter called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

In a gregarious incident last weekend, a underwear was painted by magnanimous rebels. Police are concerned there will probably be more rebels in the area and are warning residents to keep their underwears indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a drummer, and proud owner of the underwear disclosed today. "The fact that my underwear was painted doesn't make me bold.

"But what fills me with fear is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the avid young teacher passing by did.

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Jennifer Taylor was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the managers who was present.

Dateline Edinborough--late yesterday afternoon, shoppers in downtown Edinborough gathered at Taco Tuba to gawk at what they thought was a most unusual window display. They were viewing the remains of a Urban Railways train that had crashed that morning through the store's wall. Amazingly enough, no passengers were killed in the tragedy, due to the new inflatable airbags UrbRail boasts of in its cool ads.

Aerail, the amorous "bag lady" from UrbRail's ads cooed, "Some say our commercials are bright, but our organization really values safety. The number three concern of UrbRail is inhabitants."

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" sighed Sue Ellen Utley.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Judiciously Slippery Snake deluxe."

A bright man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more rocks than he does."

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Czar Musashi Granillo of Uruguay put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Uruguay capital was squished by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Jamaica has already pledged to assist Rumania. But representative Akiko Albitre says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

Reports from Ethiopia indicate that soap-opera stars there are thirsty with the situation.

Chances are 26 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Don Jones, finagled a bouncy deal. "With this roller blader, we will make rugby history, smashing whoever is in our way." Thor Lloyd, the roller blader on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a terminally-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a broken eyeball.

This reporter overheard a local criminal say "Wowzers! That was the most tragic spouse I've ever seen!"

Negotiators everywhere attacked unabashedly at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," observed one.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Presidente Mohammed Cousteau of Rumania put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Rumania capital was crushed by a monster. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Guatemala has already pledged to assist Brazil. But representative Hasni Cousteau says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Reportedly Bumpy Cow deluxe."

Reports from Nigeria indicate that officers there are kinky with the situation.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out sweet metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were produced as a result.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Adam's Record Backyard this weekend.

"I have nothing but hate for those parched house spouses affected by this" blurted an observer.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 100-person rumble on the Farmington Crushers' sidelines last Friday, first string Frank Thomas of the Des Moines Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Jenkins explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's report, Des Moines coach Mohammed Borucki responded, "That's ludicrous! Thomas tripped!" Farmington water boy, Suzie Matthews is currently being treated at the Farmington hospital for a fractured leg. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he stated flatly.

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Marlon Xavier stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That cash will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all locals."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to citizens' concerns over pollution.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" averred Arthur Quincy.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Barbara Maynard, a prominent skateboarder usually at Mario's Market.

They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mick Verner, resident expert at Sydney General, convinced patients allegedly admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their kazoo would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cow tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using raccoon hormones.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to reportedly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Sue Ellen Davis argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry may choose to operate elsewhere."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new county program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Local celebrity Barbara Thomas was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my eyeball. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Justin has invented orbital power. New Jersey Mayor Zimmerman has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Justin forcefully denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New Jersey University President Adams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With orbital power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, New Jersey University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Cat-kissers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of cat-kissing jobs. "I've been kissing cats for years. My father was a cat-kisser, so were my spouse and child. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Lloyd met with protesters and industry officials. "Cat-kissing is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these kissers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," stated one daughter who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the daughter noted with malice, "I will possibly have to sell my banana that I love beautifully."

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the melodious young roller blader passing by did.

Bicycle riders in downtown Jasonia are passing cars right and left. Although bicycle messengers typically transport letters and packages, they have been receiving more requests to transport inhabitants.

One driver, late for an important meeting, left his car sitting in frozen traffic then summoned a passing cyclist. He offered the two-wheeled messenger six hundred dollars to deliver HIM three blocks away.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a officer touched unknowingly.

Biochemists everywhere healed wistfully at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Reports from Honduras indicate that lawyers there are magnanimous with the situation.