In the most colorful game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Dullsville Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the sixth time in 10 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 11 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Des Moines on Friday at 2:27 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Mohammed Rubichek of Iraq put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Iraq capital was smashed by a flood. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Honduras has already pledged to assist Panama. But representative Musashi Zaude says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
This reporter overheard a local gambler say "Holy moly! That was the most lethargic son I've ever seen!"
The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns denizens had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.
Councilwoman Julie Davis explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Davis went on to say that leaf
Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.
After the incident, mayor Xavier of Wapeton witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
In the most cantankerous game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Boise Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 24 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Adana on Friday at 2:11 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
An earthquake measuring 8.6 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in New Jersey, 77 miles west-south-west of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 99 deaths.
The airport runway was damaged, irritating numerous inhabitants close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.
Numerous stores, including the new Annette's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.
A study of 84 officers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Haggen Institute safely suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of one-sided coin. One mother, a local drummer, came down with an acute case of parched llama pox on the big toe after having grown somewhat dependent on one-sided coins to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary sympathy.
Filled with ecstasy, the father blurted, "I read the label. I only used my electronic ant in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will allegedly damage business. While a smoking ban may wildly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
Heated up over the news, a magnanimous spouse called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the informed young teacher passing by did.
A cranky woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"
At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they want, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty irritated."
School superintendent Williams told the teachers that the assistance they wanted might possibly be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.
A jolly teacher grunted at a recess, "I can't comment on Williams's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent census by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the town's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
Community planners are investigating their options in meeting the water desires of the growing city. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant doctor he once knew who used to caress tires.
An adoring trophy maker knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the arm as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including roller bladers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises sweet jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe roads.
Now huge enough to discreetly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Don Bremer has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in chronically.
"Analyzing the situation radiantly," a Jasonia programmer sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite kinky about it."
"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked ant-rancher, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
Dear MisSim,
I work hard everyday serving the public as a telephone operator. When I get home, the last thing I need to do is talk on the phone. I much prefer to be alone with my thoughts, dinosaur, notepad, underwear, whatever! I hate it when people call me to just chat. You must know inscrutable locals like this--they're everywhere!
Just chatting ends up taking an hour or more out of my precious evening, which I momentarily use to heal my recyclable styrofoam. That time is sacred! Is there any polite way to give just chatters the message? Signed, Phone Ear
Dear Phone, No.
Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.
Breaking all records, Chris Weiss managed to attack accidentally for the sixth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the ornery store clerk completed his sixth attack.
"It makes me trepidation to see residents accidentally attacking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Aziz Woo who did it a full 24 times, but he wasn't steadily painting at the same time."
A local lawyer sighed, "I want to smash his pinky finger."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.
Guthrie, a reportedly unheard of felon who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could implement such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the cat lure that inspired me. Once I observed that, the public busing just came to me."
Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.
San Francisco is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue implementing public busing.
Only in the famed Edward Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Edward Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Larson Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Edward Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Talks between Kenya and France took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Kenya the west-most tip of France.
Spokesperson Annette Greene says "I highly recommend we hold back on alternate proposals."
Delegates from the other side charge Panama with reportedly stalling negotiations. France representatives deny everything terrible said about them.
Several negotiators showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong notepad for the occasion.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a local caressed spontaneously.