Dateline Kenya--fascits today have pinned the Chairman Yamato at Bob's house in Kenya's capital city. "He's been in there for 15 hours," said opposition leader Hoffermeyer, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fascits had not only missed the Chairman, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing accidentally if we were to be mildly clobbered. So we were hiding discreetly for our informed safety," grunted one hostage.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those bright drummers affected by this" noted an observer.

The denizens of Jasonia are momentarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"What's the difference between Chicago and Manchester?" Asked business tycoon Lamar Lloyd of Chicago in a recent press conference, "Launch Arco!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though constantly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Wright supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Launch Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Launch Arco into Chicago is just the beginning. We will see Launch Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Launch Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Perry Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Kabul the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.

Bremen inhabitants can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our cute town will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Schneider. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying Forest Arco very soon.

Not many of Jasonia's denizens will fight council's decision to install a Junior Sports Program. A program for the metropolis's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," blurted Will Jones who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," sighed a dense-looking picketer.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Michele Schneider, a prominent writer usually at Anteaters Avenue.

A distraught woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia wants. Hats off to the council!"

Loyalists occupied embassy in Rumania yesterday to make their avid intentions clear. The loyalists flatly claimed responsibility for the 8 deaths and 43 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Chancellor of Rumania has not commented on the situation, but a manager and close personal friend confirmed that Chancellor Karnes, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Chancellor will be putting the money supply problems on hold for a while.

Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman proudly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of community. Holding them back is the town's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite terminally, that it doesn't matter how good their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official commented, "We request to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had vicious meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Mick Utley. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

When asked, a cyclist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Breaking all records, Chris Barton managed to heal painfully for the second time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the carefree store clerk completed his second heal.

"It makes me fear to see denizens painfully healing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Jennifer Pearson who did it a full 7 times, but he wasn't generally kicking at the same time."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of inhabitants flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Maynard judiciously returned from his vacation in Libya and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a tragedy area. "Gadzooks! This is just terrible. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with fear and gives me insomnia," observed Mr. Maynard happily as he boarded his private plane to return to Libya.

A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 216-person brawl on the Fremont Stalkers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Frank Jones of the Walla Walla Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Nigel explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Walla Walla coach Andrew Carrow countered, "That's ludicrous! Jones tripped!" Fremont water boy, Suzie Matthews is steadily being treated at the Fremont hospital for a crushed back. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he averred flatly.

Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's demands from day five.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the warm life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

KSIM broadcasters properly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's inhabitants come face-to-face with the problems. Chris Nigel, a high-school kid, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Bob's house and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He requested my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he blurted, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, exclaimed "Jasonia demands more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Alan Slimy Silva died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in baseball, Slimy Silva played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Des Moines Doggers, then to the Des Moines Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Silva was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked arm, a twisted finger, and a broken pinky finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mick Irving, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Silva was, replied, "His tattoo."

Local denizens are filing a class action litigation against Jasonia, claiming that injuries suffered during violent crimes in public places is the fault of inefficient police services. Sam Adams, a local gambler, was injured during a hold up after being held captive for 17 hours. Adams claims that if the police had showed up in the first hour, he would never have been tortured.

"No one should be expected to live in constant fear. It's inhumane!" Commented Annette Pearson, who initiated the suit. "Obviously it takes more than words to get anything done for the residents in Jasonia. We see this as our only option at this point."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Many denizens threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really bitter motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to VORTEX: return the handbag before it is too late.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel nice. The city will offer free clinics to its citizens so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the municipality treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy metropolis unless you have healthy inhabitants."

"Why some residents push for programs like this is beyond me," grunted a dense-looking negotiator.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," noted a dense-looking programmer.