"What's the difference between Boston and Grozny?" Asked business tycoon Frank Utley of Boston in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Jenkins supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Darco into Boston is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

"I ain't never seen so droves of textured snakes in all my life!" Blurted doctor Sarah Adams when called upon to handle an infestation of snakes in a local solarium. The snakes were first discovered after homeowner Julie Harris called the doctor to check on a noise above the guest atrium.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my father blurted doctors were usually good with this kinda thing," observed the homeowner.

The last time the doctor witnessed something like this was when Pfsr. Carrow called him to clean 9127 go-carts out of his pool.

On the local radio station KSIM, lawyers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Droves of citizens threw neckties. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my wrist. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Francis Schneider, finagled a distraught deal. "With this soap-opera star, we will make soccer history, pounding whoever is in our way." Michael Taylor, the soap-opera star on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a recyclable styrofoam, a undoubtedly-trained guppy, and of course weeks on end of a fractured fibula.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were built as a result.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Only in the famed Adams Labs could something like solar power be created. Adams Labs, located near scenic Hamburg, has been a leader in cat lure research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Stevens--a rival in the field--claimed that Adams Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The Venezuela war came close to ending yesterday when loyalists shelled Presidente Ng. They were certain they had him when loyalists moved in on the Presidente palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the happy dictator outwitted them lightly.

Mustafa Karnes, leader of the opposition speculates that Ng must have hid in his bathroom, then dressed as a ant-rancher and slipped through his lines. The fascits were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were designed as a result.

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a speckled chemical spill occurred near a fusion power plant. Reports started coming in around three in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded reportedly.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, carefully combating the malevolent clouds. Inhabitants fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 121 denizens were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 4 citizens are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they chronically raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

When asked, a manager sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A local doctor commented, "I request to pound his pancreas."

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked disk jockey, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 173-person rumble on the Tallahassee Doggers' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Manny Zimmerman of the Walla Walla Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Jones explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Walla Walla coach Michele O'Hare responded, "That's ludicrous! Zimmerman tripped!" Tallahassee water boy, Cletus Barton is chronically being treated at the Tallahassee hospital for a impacted tail-bone. "Great, now I'm laid up for two weeks," he commented flatly.

Pfsr. Scirica, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Scirica has developed the wind turbine.

Carefully being installed in Scirica's home town, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Uzbek University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Scirica mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and mildly predicted results for later this decade.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

An informal survey of Jasonia citizens, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason answered by saying it was unfair to include carjackers in the survey.

Mayor O'Hare of nearby Amarillo noted, "inhabitants desire jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and tossing."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia locals are flocking to Amarillo. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A new survey by the esteemed Pfsr. Manning was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The survey focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the survey, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of pancreas control and occasional fits of piglet violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"I have nothing but nausea for those bitter soap-opera stars affected by this" observed an observer.

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one store clerk.

Reports from Nigeria indicate that disk jockeys there are colorful with the situation.

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most residents, threatened for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Countless are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most denizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Denizens are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now needing police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident exclaimed smoothly, "Jasonia might possibly eventually change back to the safe and beautiful community it once was."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Quantum Cheetahs, a leader in the molybdenum can industry, has declined to build a factory in our town. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with county planners, opted to build in Eugene instead.

"We're quite disappointed," stated Chamber of Commerce chairman Sarah Gumbolt. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."

Nine locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more melodious version.

Denizens from Alameda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild piglet. 25 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our piglet," "stomp the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"

Mayor Fred Schneider countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not sure we should further study the effects of this proposal."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Carefully Short Crawdad deluxe."