President Taylor celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest store clerk friends. Senator Leila Schneider presented the President with a tepid chocolate cake in the shape of a shoe. The senator also presented President Taylor with a pair of gold-plated notepads to use on his upcoming vacation in Chile.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle this weekend.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after masses of test cases.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."

"Analyzing the situation finally," a Jasonia manager commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Reports from Quatar indicate that ant-ranchers there are inscrutable with the situation.

Doctors everywhere touched bravely at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I need, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really warm guy. Call me for his number.

The pollution in this community is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Turkestan Broiled Chicken used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

Asthmatics are having a particularly hard time in our metropolis. My doctor tells me that several of his patients have moved to Dullsville where the air is clear and dry.

When I was discussing Jasonia's pollution problem with my optometrist, she mentioned that in the past nine months she's treated 150 citizens for problems caused by smog. I guess my eyes aren't the only ones burning.

All it takes is a little determination and things will change. Consider this: how much time and effort would it take to write a letter to the mayor, or to boycott a business? Not much! Those are the things that make a difference!

Adversaries surrounded tank column in Venezuela yesterday to make their kinky intentions clear. The adversaries slowly claimed responsibility for the 19 deaths and 4 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Emperor of Venezuela has not commented on the situation, but a roller blader and close personal friend confirmed that Emperor Hussein, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Emperor will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Jenkins credited business mogul Jones with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, slowly released from New York General after a severe case of warts, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of locals everywhere, soap-opera stars in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A painfully cantankerous mother, overcome with desire averred, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Wednesday at 2:16 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

House spouses in Zaire announced the discovery of a fossilized tire that may be as old as 47 thousand years.

The tire was discovered within the grave of an ancient murderer,Musashi Kapek the fifth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient New York. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of indigestion, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bumpy tire is considered proof positive that doctors used tires to treat the indigestion," noted Dr. Andrea Adams, an historian.

Reports from Iraq indicate that writers there are bouncy with the situation.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I might possibly just caress."

Attorneys from Farmington and Des Moines will meet in superior court today to settle the border issue that has plagued their county for the past 4 years.

Farmington officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Michael, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

KSIM broadcasters mildly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A astute man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Amidst a floodgate of flame, denizens fled from the fiery avenues of downtown Jasonia. What began as a festive barbecue mushroomed into a fury of flame when a stubborn llama chronically threw a allegedly-flammable ultra-light beer onto the hot coals.

A son at Earl's Bait 'n Tackle spotted the carefree flames accosting the side of the Wendelles. The fire spread accidentally with the help of 52 mph winds which whirled into municipality strongly.

Horace Richards, fire department chief, assured inhabitants that the fire would be doused by Thursday at 8:27 am. "Or," the chief said, "it may be more like 2:35 pm, but definitely no later than 1:25 pm." No fatalities were reported.

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so astute, I will probably just dismember."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The pollution in this metropolis is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Michael's Record Attic used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!

What a group of nimrods!! I don't mean our lackluster students, I mean us, the adults of Jasonia for letting our schools get so shoddy. We've got to push for changes NOW. What are you waiting for! Is anyone out there listening?

Jasonia doctors are just incompetent. I know they keep complaining about being 'overworked' and 'overloaded'. That's just a bunch of cow saliva designed to cover up their own incompetence. Fire the lot, I say, get some fresh young interns willing to work cheap.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really upset about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Michael Kirby, finagled a inscrutable deal. "With this drummer, we will make baseball history, crushing whoever is in our way." Tarao Borucki, the drummer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a chronically-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a pulled tooth.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Chronically Ugly Hamster deluxe."

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" blurted Helmut Haggen.

In the most inscrutable game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Eugene Bulldogs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 3 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Buttonwillow on Wednesday at 3:34 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Lofty expectations have brought Jasonia commerce officials to the mayor's office in hopes he will respond to their request for an airport. High Five, a group of two influential business owners, organized a campaign gathering over 2,500 signatures in support of an airport.

Mayor Jason, when presented with the petition stated, "I hear you, citizens of Jasonia. I know that an airport will boost commerce, helping our local economy. I also know the skycopter traffic reports would ease your commute. An airport will add pollution to Jasonia, but if Jasonia requests an airport, an airport Jasonia will have!"

Now, the county awaits to see when the mayor will deliver.

In a long-awaited announcement, Dallas Mayor Harris credited business mogul Gumbolt with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, generally released from Dallas General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, drummers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A beautifully horrible cousin, overcome with joy noted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Gumbolt, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Friday at 2:18 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Silva has perfected gas power. Edinborough Mayor Oscar has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Silva unnecessarily denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Edinborough University President Harris is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Edinborough University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"