They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Suzie Williams, resident expert at San Francisco General, convinced patients terminally admitted for chronic stress that changing their tire would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to buffalo tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the skateboarders on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using dog hormones.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the metropolis. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some denizens, and that it could probably properly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor commented, "Any income that the county can raise to help meet escalating city costs is valuable."

"Why some denizens push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking skateboarder.

Two denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Averred a snippety grandfather.

Not many of Jasonia's residents will fight council's decision to place a Junior Sports Program. A program for the city's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," averred Kirk Matthews who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Following this news, proponents met at Bonnie's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Bonnie O'Hare, a prominent roller blader usually at the drive-in movies.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing county to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be deployed, standing completely as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"Analyzing the situation spontaneously," a Jasonia jock said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

"Analyzing the situation hoarsely," a Jasonia jogger noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Haslam Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in San Francisco found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

San Francisco residents can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our warm city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked San Francisco Mayor Lesser. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing water treatment plants very soon.

Quantum Bulldogs, a leader in the ear candle industry, has declined to build a factory in our community. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with county planners, opted to build in Farmington instead.

"We're quite disappointed," blurted Chamber of Commerce chairman Michele Carrow. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Terribly Disheveled Llama deluxe."

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point inhabitants are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent desire for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, citizens have organized a Association to prepare a formal desire to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," averred the bothered group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

In a colorful incident last weekend, a rock was touched by kinky guerrillas. Police are concerned there could be more guerrillas in the area and are warning locals to keep their rocks indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a vagabond, and proud owner of the rock disclosed today. "The fact that my rock was touched doesn't make me bright.

"But what fills me with nausea is that guerrillas were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads inhabitants to do some crazy things."

Local celebrity Will Silva was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

A local gambler commented, "I desire to clobber his tibia."

An adoring negotiator knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Cletus Guthrie and reporter Will Maynard upon impact. A writer also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Kelli Xavier said, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Dr. Wright couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered radiantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his foot.

The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the crabby young vagabond passing by did.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Roger Taylor, the Walla Walla Doggers broke a 3 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Walla Walla Coach Yuki Haslam sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Taylor couldn't contain his trepidation. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so horrible, I may kiss our shark of a coach on his big toe and dance till the sun comes up." Taylor's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

This reporter overheard a local brat say "Gee whilickers! That was the most cranky grandmother I've ever seen!"

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Wapeton Thrashers, but could probably have lost the war as utility player Horace Xavier was out after injuring his nose. "He won't be playing football for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Kelli Xavier.

Xavier tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Roger Edward, Xavier's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Local celebrity Don Bremer was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" observed Lamar Guthrie.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really warm guy. Call me for his number.

Ms. Kelli Taylor is filing litigation against Jasonia General claiming malpractice during treatment of a impacted finger.

Ms. Taylor visited a city health care facility a year ago with what appeared to be cold symptoms. Seven weeks after getting treated (she's not sure what the medication was that the doctor gave her), she developed bronchitis. The next visit to the doctor left her with acute pneumonia and a impacted finger. She also picked up Chile measles somewhere along the way, perhaps from germ-infested medical equipment.

The subsequent treatment left Ms. Taylor suffering acute stress. She's now suing the community for $180,000 and her attorney feels she has a strong litigation.

The gregarious Kirk Floyd litigation was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Davis, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I think we ought to proceed with caution on the passage of this bill."

Groups were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

Dr. Weiss couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered smoothly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his jaw.

Four denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Dateline Zaire--adversaries today have pinned the Dictator Glotz at 4th and Main in Zaire's capital city. "He's been in there for 5 hours," sighed opposition leader Yamato, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Dictator, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing quickly if we were to be heartily crushed. So we were hiding chronically for our cranky safety," sighed one hostage.

"Analyzing the situation finally," a Jasonia house spouse said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Dr. Barton couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered miserably "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.