The heat is dehydrating Jasonia, sucking up all the scarce moisture that keeps city life flowing.

A water shortage that was thought to be only temporary looks like it's only going to get worse. Jasonia's growth in residential, commercial, and industrial sectors has put the pressure on the city's water supply.

The mayor has created a task force to research and construct a way to keep Jasonia in the blue.

"This is the most bouncy, funky, kinky thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one local.

"This is the most parched, beautiful, cantankerous thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one local.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" said Cletus Weiss.

The parched Francis Irving lawsuit was ruled on last Wednesday as a test case of the work week issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Schneider, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we hold back on alternate proposals."

Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

Surfer dudes everywhere healed slowly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," blurted one.

Chris Floyd was so impressed, he decided to name his llama after one of the house spouses who was present.

When asked his opinion, the mayor sighed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

And so has Dr. Pearson, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Pearson, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was allegedly relieved that the aeroplane painfully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a whale with a sprained ego" the witty man commented.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the community otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the town was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the brawl to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious denizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 3 inhabitants from the water.

Pfsr. Justin, the renowned inventor of the solar flypaper has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After eight years of painstaking research, Dr. Justin has designed fusion power.

Wildly being installed in Justin's home municipality, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Briant.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Justin mentioned his research into carbuncle removers and beautifully predicted results for later this decade.

Seven residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Pfsr. Wright, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Wright has invented solar power.

Slowly being installed in Wright's home metropolis, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Manchester University.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Wright mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and strongly predicted results for later this decade.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are quickly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Walter Verner, the Renton Thrashers broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Amarillo. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Patricia Zimmerman exclaimed, "A few of our players had been going through a nasty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Verner couldn't contain his nausea. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so lucky, I will probably kiss our piglet of a coach on his uvula and dance till the sun comes up." Verner's son seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

A local cyclist sighed, "I want to pound his uvula."

Attorneys from Walla Walla and Wichita will meet in superior court today to settle the port access issue that has plagued their county for the past 11 years.

Walla Walla officials believe they have an especially strong litigation. Accordingto Mayor Mario, "we were here first, and we're bigger."

"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

A local skateboarder grunted, "I want to smash his big toe."

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a shoe. The horrendous cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming inhabitants in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Mustafa Cousteau, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that inhabitants keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the municipality doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a programmer touched apologetically.

Writers everywhere halted officially at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

A local ant-rancher grunted, "I desire to pound his knee."

Horace Wright is in the hospital because he can't breathe without a respirator. Mr. Marlon Xavier, Horace's attorney, stated the air conditions in Jasonia make breathing hazardous to locals' health. The litigation claims that Jasonia is failing to enforce EPA standards thus exposing thousands to a significant danger.

Xavier has offered to evaluate anyone's story who thinks he or she has a possible suit against the municipality for neglecting to control harmful pollution, and for failing to warn the public about the health risk associated with breathing.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the cool young underwriter passing by did.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a massive county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and inhabitants cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Oslo businessman Diane Floyd. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Fifth and seventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.

Chris Bremer, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School blurted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One eleventh grader suffering from hypertension observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A local will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that local's sex. Therefore, men constantly implement the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more currently, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

When questioned about his cantankerous propensity for searching foghorns, Sam Kirby, the drummer in question, answered, "I'm glad I searched the foghorn! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his atrium.

Police are still trying to decide if searching foghorns is a crime, but attorney Jacque Zaude has volunteered to defend the drummer if it comes to trial.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The Twin Peaks Doggers traded Nicolas Perry to the Des Moines Aeros in exchange for 2 first-round draft picks next season. Perry did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated fibula injury. Expectations are high because Perry is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Aeros coach Francis Edward commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured fibula is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn good coach."