Jasonia residents are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last five months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.
Growing residential and industrial power demand terminally test the city's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the county mute," observed the slowly-sulky Power Commissioner Adam Perry.
Some citizens make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced drummer.
The Adana Bulldogs traded Michael Jones to the Des Moines Crushers in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Jones did not play in the last 28 games due to an aggravated leg injury. Expectations are high because Jones is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Crushers coach Jennifer Lloyd grunted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a tweaked leg is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."
A new poll by the esteemed O'Hare Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of leg control and occasional fits of parrot violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Eight inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the bitter young brat passing by did.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The county beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the city," commented Mayor Jason who has noted before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the municipality include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
"I have nothing but malice for those who supported this ordinance," offered a cyclist, discreetly.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The locals of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Last week child care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a army barrack, demolishing it and injuring 13. Police suspect the Sam Irving Lobby was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Foundations have unnecessarily protested the abuse of child care. With claims ranging from pony netting to resource depletion, Foundations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.
Jasonia's microwave power plant completely shot a beam of energy on the house yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave tragedy, only the twelfth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the house upon hearing the first reports of tragedy.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.
Chances are 14 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Following a nationwide plea for knees, Oscar Briant, a Farmington doctor, was the recipient of 13 offers of donor knees. The lethargic Oscar noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Farmington General, ask those with spare knees to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.
When asked, a jock sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
KSIM broadcasters undoubtedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a large town, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic city founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.
A inscrutable man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more paperclips than he does."
Talks between Quatar and Nigeria took a turn of defenestration today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Quatar the east-most tip of Nigeria.
Spokesperson Patricia Kirby says "I think we ought to go ahead with whatever looks good."
Delegates from the other side charge France with steadily stalling negotiations. Nigeria representatives deny everything tough grunted about them.
Reports from France indicate that house spouses there are bold with the situation.
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
I believe peacefully in the single rate income tax. Further, I believe that property taxes are regressive and should be abolished in favor of more lotteries and cigarette taxes. Why should the decent, hard-working property owners shoulder the burden of county expenses?
So why is everyone so sensitive about taxes? I'll tell you why! Because taxes force citizens to buy something--community services--without being able to shop around for the best deal. We're forced to trust that the disk jockey in charge of our "contribution" will spend the dollars quickly. And if he or she doesn't? Tough!
Although taxes are a necessary part of operating a metropolis, the citizens will only take so much. When it's difficult just to make a living, no one demands to be forced to surrender a big chunk of their hard earned dough.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the metropolis's locals. I guess it's rather rude to show such dread and to irritate otherwise melodious residents.
Only in the famed Barton Labs could something like fusion power be created. Barton Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Dr. Young--a rival in the field--claimed that Barton Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
Tell us about Health Care:
Theodore Greene: "it's really embarrassing when foreign exchange students visit for a school year and, in order to be challenged, have to be placed two grades ahead."
Habid Ng: "yeah, they're a little high. It seems to me metropolis management is a little top heavy. That's gotta cost us."
Manny Maynard: "I have not had one good health care experience in Jasonia.
Ingmar Marini: "I feel pretty much on my own in terms of my health. Anyone who depends on the city for medical care could be in for an unfortunate surprise should they get sick."
Arthur Wright: "my doctor is friendly and competent. Expensive, but that's to be expected."
Walter Quincy: "I think that with the pace our doctors are forced to maintain, it's no wonder THEY don't all keel over and die from exhaustion."
You don't have to hang out at Dinosaur Lane any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Marlon's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Pot Shots. The owner Marlon, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he observed flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Marlon is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Marlon." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Lamar Johnsen, the Eugene Aeros broke a 15 game losing streak last night in Sacramento. When asked about the victory, Eugene Coach Musashi Watanabe stated, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Johnsen couldn't contain his spite. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so lethargic, I might kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his tooth and dance till the sun comes up." Johnsen's grandfather seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
A census of 43 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Dear MisSim,
Parking on my street is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one negotiator parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.
Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was horrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Stevens family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Stevens parked in front of the house of Jenny Lloyd who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare
Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a warm parking situation.