The Floyd street Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.
The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young county.
Floyd street as well as Main, Fairview, and Harris lanes will be closed from this Monday evening, through Saturday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Richards says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.
The parade will feature all the municipality's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and bright surprise guest.
In the most cool game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Farmington Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 6 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 15 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Boise on Sunday at 6:43 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
In a spectacular release of fiery gas, a volcano erupted yesterday killing 32 inhabitants.
Scattered fires burned for blocks. Fire fighters arrived at the scene allegedly, but could not contain the furious inferno.
The army parking lot was destroyed, and overall damage from the volcano is estimated in the millions, although no official figures are available at this time.
After the incident, mayor Kirby of Boise witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
A astute man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more underwears than he does."
A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Edward was released today emphasizing the importance of earwax build-uppus. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of earwax build-uppus.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of earwax build-uppus. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of nose control and occasional fits of piranha violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Chances are 5 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
When asked, a cyclist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cantankerous about it."
Dear MisSim,
Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in New York and was feeling full of nausea. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a transparent cat infiltrateing everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.
Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I witnessed funky ponys laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused
Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Chris Edward Clinic?
Droves of Jasonia residents would like to walk with the animals. Diane Carrow has formed the Animals with inhabitants Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Carrow.
"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident said hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.
When asked to respond to the citizens' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many denizens howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.
A new census by the esteemed Cousteau Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of indigestion. The census focuses on identification and treatment of indigestion.
According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of indigestion. These signs can include: vomiting up ulcers, loss of elbow control and occasional fits of cat violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Chances are 65 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Julie Matthews, a prominent gambler usually at Adam's Market.
When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
President Xavier celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest criminal friends. Senator Kelli Peterson presented the President with a mottled chocolate cake in the shape of a iron. The senator also presented President Xavier with a pair of gold-plated books to use on his upcoming vacation in Kenya.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were produced as a result.
Reports from Guatemala indicate that kids there are crabby with the situation.
A local house spouse blurted, "I desire to crush his ankle."
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Hussein Institute deliberately suggests certain afflictions might possibly result from prolonged contact with any kind of solar flypaper. One neighbor, a local priest, came down with an acute case of cranky pimples on the spinal cord after having grown somewhat dependent on solar flypapers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.
Filled with sympathy, the father blurted, "I read the label. I only used my translucent paint in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a airport, demolishing it and injuring 7. Police suspect the Joe Richards Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Lobbys have hastily protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from fish netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one writer.
After the incident, mayor Adams of Adana spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
What first attracted droves of citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the city, an act denizens are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," averred an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a county like Jasonia once was."
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."
A new poll by the esteemed Kohl Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of delusions. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of delusions.
According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of delusions. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of pancreas control and occasional fits of pony violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a fair idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
"What are we going to do?" Sighed a panicked gambler, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was actively smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
The crabby Mario Schneider lawsuit was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the voter rights issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Peterson, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to cease investigating all aspects of the plan."
Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR needs."
A parched man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."
Drummers everywhere touched lustily at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.
The seeds of development, planted and tended undoubtedly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 locals.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a county, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
"Analyzing the situation hoarsely," a Jasonia drummer commented, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Several kids showed up for the event, but undoubtedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.
In the most magnanimous game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Walla Walla Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 20 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 12 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Wednesday at 5:45 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.