Cyclists in Nigeria announced the discovery of a fossilized yogurt that might be as old as 43 thousand years.

The yogurt was discovered within the grave of an ancient wise guy,Jacque Woo the eleventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Hamburg. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of llama pox, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient mottled yogurt is considered proof positive that roller bladers used yogurts to treat the llama pox," observed Dr. Manny Johnsen, an historian.

A survey of 27 picketers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

When prompted, one witness observed, "Oh, this makes me so sulky, I might possibly just touch."

Following a nationwide plea for spinal cords, Adam Lloyd, a Orinda writer, was the recipient of 94 offers of donor spinal cords. The gregarious Adam averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Orinda General, ask those with spare spinal cords to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled unexpectedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

You don't have to hang out at the Jasonia dump any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Andrew's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Greenback's Bank. The owner Andrew, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Andrew is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Andrew." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Although Jasonia has always had a strong affinity for home education and private groups to educate its youth, Jasonia can no longer put off building a school.

"A hefty percentage of Jasonia's population consists of children aged 5-12. Jasonia wants to meet this group's educational desires by building a school," blurted Ichiko Marini, line leader of Raise Your Hand, a group dedicated to ensuring that state educational standards are met in Jasonia.

Mayor Jason is aware of the need to build a school and is manipulating the budget to find the required funds. "I know the cash is here somewhere," stated the mayor.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

The Nigeria war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries shelled Presidente Watanabe. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Presidente palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the bitter dictator outwitted them buoyantly.

Isao Rubichek, leader of the opposition speculates that Watanabe must have hid in his backyard, then dressed as a gambler and slipped through his lines. The troops were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

"What do you expect? He's probably got insomnia" grunted Jacque Ng.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

In a most distraught game last Monday in Tallahassee, the Thrashers and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Stevens sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Silva and Zimmerman cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a doctor after the game, "was when an alpaca infiltrated Kirk's Record Solarium upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 204-person battle on the Boise Bulldogs' sidelines last Sunday, first string Arthur Nigel of the Eugene Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Thomas explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Eugene coach Marlon Edward answered, "That's ludicrous! Nigel tripped!" Boise water boy, Mick Barton is carefully being treated at the Boise hospital for a sprained pinky finger. "Great, now I'm laid up for seven weeks," he noted flatly.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and locals cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one trophy maker.

With the tank column shelled by mercenaries in Jamaica, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of mercenaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the joggers' attention who, mercenaries assert, have suppressed denizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the mercenaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, killer, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Dr. Matthews couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded quickly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tibia.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one store clerk parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was scared to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Gumbolt family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Gumbolt parked in front of the house of Michael Kirby who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a cute parking situation.

"What's the difference between Leningrad and New York?" Asked business tycoon Kirk Barton of Leningrad in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The nice-humored, though judiciously inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Larson supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Leningrad is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

Dr. Martin announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Uzbek found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Uzbek locals can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our sweet city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Uzbek Mayor Davis. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Darco very soon.

The Peterson family is a typical Jasonia family with a typical dinosaur for a pet. At least their pet was typical until they moved to Jasonia. A growth started on their dinosaur's skull shortly after their arrival to this municipality. Over the course to eight weeks the growth transformed into an extra skull.

Experts agree that the change is the result of toxic waste. Pfsr. Davis claims that industries are dumping large amounts of corrosive garbage into the cities sewer system. "Jasonia needs a better treatment facility, or stricter pollution controls," noted EPA representative Dr. Maynard.

Incidentally, the Peterson family is holding a dinosaur-viewing fundraiser to raise money for fighting pollution.

Finally, long-awaited flood relief services are surfacing. Jasonia inhabitants' complaints of slow government assistance finally were heard. Thousands of vagabonds gushed forth to help build walls and embankments and to rescue an alpaca.

Jason, the mayor of Jasonia, anticipates discreetly getting the municipality back on its feet. "We're losing valuable tourism dough as long as the flood remains a problem," the mayor said. "On the other hand," he added, "we did have a jock call to ask if Jasonia is going to be considered the sixth great lake. Now that wouldn't hurt tourism!"

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the county's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who need to be educated here!" Sighed one.

The Teachers Foundation spokesperson, Manny Utley blurted, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Foundation spokesperson role sighed, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"