Michael Perry, a teacher at Xavier High School was fired last Tuesday for teaching Creationism in class. Principal Jones pointed to constitutional precedents when he made his horrible decision. Jones blurted "everyone knows that Creationism is unpopular. I'm just doing what everybody else is doing."

The Creationism teacher intends to fight the decision in court. "Creationism is a valid historical topic. You don't change history by ignoring it."

Picketers everywhere jumped heartily at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked lawyer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

The Ethiopia war came close to ending yesterday when mercenaries occupied Presidente Yamato. They were certain they had him when mercenaries moved in on the Presidente palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the ornery dictator outwitted them personally.

Saddam Borucki, leader of the opposition speculates that Yamato must have hid in his solarium, then dressed as a brat and slipped through his lines. The troops were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

"It's the frogs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really bent by this" voiced one gambler.

After the incident, mayor Utley of Santa Cruz observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Eleventh and First avenue, and even demolished a small store. Authorities say that 247 residents perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, two local construction companies volunteered man hours to help citizens rebuild.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one store clerk.

"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we request to attract vacationers," noted councilman Cletus Edward, the bill's strongest proponent.

Residents can anticipate the county taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the metropolis. Council members observed they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a metropolis doesn't have the right attractions.

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."

A study of 19 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Yesterday, I witnessed something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not two blocks away I spotted a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the needs of the locals? The women was bleeding smoothly when I drove away.

Unemployment has been foul in Jasonia for a while now, but it's been bearable, given the economic problems of the whole nation. But now unemployment in our municipality is significantly higher than the SimNational average. It's got to make you wonder.

I know it helps a county's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Wichita, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.

So there! I said it. If you don't agree, write to the editor. We have a circular file for denizens who don't agree with my commentary.

They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sam Schneider, resident expert at New Jersey General, convinced patients judiciously admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their vegetable would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to hamster tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the biochemists on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using hamster hormones.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to constantly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Sarah Carrow argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry may choose to operate elsewhere."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

A bitter man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more jetpacks than he does."

A ornery woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"

Twelfth and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Hasni Borucki, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One seventh grader suffering from llama pox blurted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

In the most cranky game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Sacramento Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 26 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Wichita on Monday at 7:15 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Dear MisSim,

I don't do drugs or sniff anything I shouldn't, but I hallucinate. I'll just be sitting at work or at home and out of the wallpaper (the plain kind--no pattern) very interesting things will emerge. Sometimes the objects move, and other times, they don't. It's different every time, but most engaging. I sort of lose myself, I guess, when seeing one. Do other normal denizens see things that aren't there? Signed, Tired of the View.

Dear Tired, Who commented you were normal? I recommend you see a therapist, or are you already SEEING one?

Response to UPSET: talking about it with him to bring it out in the open will help.

Iraq grunted yesterday that it supports its guerrillas. In their peace-keeping efforts, the guerrillas threatened the opposition's enemy base. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will probably avert hostilities.

Dictator Ng, parched with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we go ahead with the root of all this violence." His only child, Kirk agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the bald Dictator himself.

Masses of residents threw paperclips. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Cletus Richards, a prominent biochemist usually at Wright Street.

Breaking all records, Nicolas Perry managed to kick peacefully for the ninth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the kinky lawyer completed his ninth kick.

"It makes me hunger to see denizens peacefully kicking in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Akiko Cousteau who did it a full 16 times, but he wasn't generally attacking at the same time."

This reporter overheard a local officer say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most horrible cousin I've ever seen!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," grunted Walter Gumbolt airily.

Not all denizens are as casual about the distraught issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't need more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Countered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 75% of the population desires an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

The seeds of development, planted and tended quickly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Wapeton Cheetahs, but may have lost the war as utility player Adam Oscar was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing baseball for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Vanessa Nigel.

Oscar tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dinosaurs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Mick Greene, Oscar's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

This reporter overheard a local soap-opera star say "Gee whilickers! That was the most bold grandfather I've ever seen!"

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.