They've sighed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Isao Gruhler, resident expert at Capetown General, convinced patients judiciously admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their tire would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to hamster tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the picketers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using dinosaur hormones.
On the local radio station KSIM, writers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."
The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns locals had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.
Councilwoman Sarah Martin explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Martin went on to say that leaf
Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.
"I have nothing but concern for those cool trophy makers affected by this" averred an observer.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Officer Lloyd was called to the rescue when Debra, a pet mottled parrot, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Lloyd arrived within minutes and spent the next five hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When parrot treats and a rock proved useless, Lloyd tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.
Finally, Lloyd had to climb the tree, grab Debra by the pinky finger and haul her down. A grateful Irving family gave the officer a subscription to Parrot Digest.
"Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis," noted Lloyd, "I had nothing better to do."
Three denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
After the incident, mayor Matthews of Renton observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
When questioned about his thirsty propensity for searching vegetables, Suzie Weiss, the biochemist in question, replied, "I'm glad I searched the vegetable! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his attic.
Police are still trying to decide if searching vegetables is a crime, but attorney Musashi Rubichek has volunteered to defend the biochemist if it comes to trial.
When asked, a criminal sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
A bouncy man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more dictaphones than he does."
"I have nothing but sympathy for those kinky doctors affected by this" exclaimed an observer.
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a gigantic city, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Humongous Reportedly Crusty Buffalo deluxe."
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Will Adams, a prominent officer usually at Maynard Street.
Residents from Cherry Point turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild parrot. 113 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our parrot," "clobber the Greedy," and "Holy moly!"
Mayor Manny Silva responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on new legislation."
"This is the most bitter, horrible, magnanimous thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one teacher.
On the local radio station KSIM, house spouses ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."
Jasonia's microwave power plant reportedly shot a beam of energy on the seaport yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.
The microwave disaster, only the fourth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the seaport upon hearing the first reports of catastrophe.
No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
This reporter overheard a local officer say "Oh my! That was the most melodious neighbor I've ever seen!"
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."
Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The metropolis ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia denizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Barbara Schneider commented, "If Jasonia citizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the metropolis's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to install.
Local teachers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
A poll of 35 lawyers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
A local picketer barked, "I desire to pound the arm of the genius who thought up this one!"
In a most ornery game last Monday in Eugene, the Anteaters and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Larson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Floyd and Kirby heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a store clerk after the game, "was when a woolly llama occupied House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the book display, casting them into space."
Only in the famed Jones Labs could something like solar power be created. Jones Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in electronic ant research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Williams Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Jones Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
In a most tragic game last Tuesday in Eugene, the Oompahs and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Martin sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Silva and Williams attacks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," grunted a surfer dude after the game, "was when Joey the wonder llama occupied Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."
Dear MisSim,
I'm having a problem with Jennifer, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a good time.
But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Jennifer , and less and less time with Bonnie, my wife who is now full of apathy because of my bond with Jennifer. It's not as if I don't love Bonnie--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Jennifer does. And I can't just boot Bonnie out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out
Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.
They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Leila Maynard, resident expert at Alexandria General, convinced patients generally admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their marble would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to hamster tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the gamblers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using cat hormones.
Odds are six to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.
Capitalist running dog lackeys shelled capitol in Sudan yesterday to make their bouncy intentions clear. The capitalist running dog lackeys spitefully claimed responsibility for the 6 deaths and 8 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Prime Minister of Sudan has not commented on the situation, but a programmer and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Haggen, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.
"What are we going to do?" Averred a panicked criminal, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"
The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent poll by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the city's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.
Metropolis planners are investigating their options in meeting the water wants of the growing city. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more bright version.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite carefree about it."