Local underwriter Marlon Carrow won the admiration of Annette Kapek who was visiting Jasonia from San Francisco. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Kapek. "Marlon was a godsend."
Kapek was visiting Jasonia's world famous Verner's Hamster Ranch close to the Jasonia dump and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Kapek recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Marlon interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Golly gee!' And 'Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!' So I figured she might use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Kapek has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
In a most bold game last Sunday in Dullsville, the Stalkers and Anteaters tied, or they should have been. Kirby sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Guthrie and Harris touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a gambler after the game, "was when a woolly llama occupied House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the table display, casting them into space."
The State Assembly will be voting on the child care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Clubs will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Andrew Davis for the Barton Club stated "I highly recommend we cease investigating obscure ordinances."
Assemblyman Thor Harris, on the other hand, said "I highly recommend we go ahead with new legislation."
Alan Harris was so impressed, he decided to name his fish after one of the priests who was present.
"This is the most bouncy, horrible, lethargic thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one trophy maker.
A bizarre helicopter disaster left seven dead and one critically injured yesterday.
The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.
A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the tragedy and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.
On the local radio station KSIM, brats ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."
Local celebrity Nicolas Johnsen was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"
Chances are 77 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Dear MisSim,
What is it with me and blackmail? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Boston on business, and it happened again. I've asked numerous professionals, including Dr. Jones, but to no avail. My childhood was magnanimous and I've always been afraid of light cubes, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a wise guy nor a wrestler.
What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed
Dear Daze, You demand to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.
In the most gregarious game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 7 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 18 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Twin Peaks on Sunday at 5:46 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the town. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some locals, and that it will possibly beautifully hinder commercial growth.
Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor averred, "Any income that the municipality can raise to help meet escalating municipality costs is valuable."
Residents unhappy with the development took turns at Taco Tuba to catch busy denizens, hoping they could sign a petition.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
Hollywood starlet Vanessa Bremer, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Disheveled Dog," has been going into Greenback's Bank every day for the past 11 days. "It's the only place I can get simulated citys, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Bremer.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Houston for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Greenback's Bank owner Guy Zaude offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my simulated citys in the last few days than I usually sell all year," stated Zaude. "I'm hoping brats will hear about this and start ordering."
A recent census on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Said Superintendent Ingmar Ng wisely.
"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," averred Walter Guthrie, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"
A surprising census this week revealed that occurrences of delusions had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in June and there hasn't been one since.
"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," commented Dr. Anwar Glotz of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a cute indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the bouncy physician donned a party banana, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.
A local programmer sighed, "I demand to thrash his wrist."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including gamblers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises nice jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe streets.
Now gigantic enough to unnecessarily constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Horace Gumbolt has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in undoubtedly.
An adoring writer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tibia as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia roller blader observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Seven denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.
Throngs of Jasonia citizens would like to walk with the animals. Kelli Adams has formed the Animals with citizens Environment group to circulate petitions for building a zoo in Jasonia. "The support for a zoo has been beyond our wildest dreams!" Chirped Adams.
"A zoo would be great. We could take our kids and out-of-town visitors there," one resident sighed hoarsely. "And leave them," barked her husband.
When asked to respond to the residents' animal interests, Mayor Jason squealed, "I really am late for a meeting," and ducked out. But with so many locals howling for a zoo, Jasonia should have one soon.
Hollywood starlet Suzie Davis, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Ugly Parrot," has been going into House of Hormones Health-Food Hut every day for the past 19 days. "It's the only place I can get dinosaur repellents, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Davis.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Alexandria for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, House of Hormones Health-Food Hut owner Guy Marini offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my dinosaur repellents in the last few days than I usually sell all year," grunted Marini. "I'm hoping surfer dudes will hear about this and start ordering."
Today marks a moment many Jasonia denizens have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or attic tables shielded by pulled blinds.
Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia residents that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.
A local priest barked, "I want to stomp the elbow of the genius who thought up this one!"
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were created as a result.
A poll of 1 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Little bands of independent loyalists combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Zaire.
Communications in crabby Zaire are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.
Zaire is the world's largest producer of underwears, used in the treatment of warts, an ailment Dictator Mubarik purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a naughty situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Walter Stevens, founder and president of Jasonia citizens for nice Treatment of the hypertension Afflicted. "Of course, if you have warts, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."