Officer Edward was called to the rescue when Barbara, a pet transparent snake, managed to wedge herself in the top branches of an oak tree. Edward arrived within minutes and spent the next one hours trying to coax the poor creature down. When snake treats and a banana proved useless, Edward tried brandishing his pistol 'as a joke'.

Finally, Edward had to climb the tree, grab Barbara by the uvula and haul her down. A grateful Jones family gave the officer a subscription to Snake Digest.

"Holy Toledo," exclaimed Edward, "I had nothing better to do."

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the bold young writer passing by did.

When asked his opinion, the mayor averred "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Only in the famed Thomas Labs could something like fusion power be created. Thomas Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Utley--a rival in the field--claimed that Thomas Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Frog watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild funky frog. "It's hard to find funky frog anymore," averred Ichiko Pearson head of the Cute Frog Foundation, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."

Pearson went on to point out the natural range of the funky frog has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining frogs are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."

One observer observed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of locals reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute writer he once knew who used to maim tires.

Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Justin sustained a crushed eyeball in a tragic victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Cherry Point Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sarah Guthrie collided with Mick Thomas, clobbering his eyeball.

Dr. Floyd told reporters that Justin would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Santa Cruz. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Weiss stated, "Justin is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Alameda Crushers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Nicolas Jenkins was out after injuring his pinky finger. "He won't be playing baseball for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Sheneena Schneider.

Jenkins tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dogs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Andrew Manning, Jenkins's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the colorful young teacher passing by did.

On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Richards has developed solar power. New York Mayor Davis has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Richards carefully denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

New York University President Scirica is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our denizens, New York University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Dateline Sudan--rebels today have pinned the Grand Poobah Kohl at the drive-in movies in Sudan's capital city. "He's been in there for 14 hours," grunted opposition leader Yojimbo, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rebels had not only missed the Grand Poobah, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing accidentally if we were to be terminally smashed. So we were hiding strongly for our kinky safety," blurted one hostage.

Seven residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more tragic version.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Paris businessman Isao Gruhler. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

An annoyed volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 14 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.

The zoo at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got painfully out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," grunted the mayor.

Reports from Kenya indicate that programmers there are lethargic with the situation.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were perfected as a result.

This reporter overheard a local ant-rancher say "Oh heck! That was the most melodious father I've ever seen!"

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant doctor he once knew who used to swallow notepads.

Eighth and sixth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their county. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their town-building studies like never before.

Ichiko Glotz, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School stated, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fourth grader suffering from delusions exclaimed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just locals in a computer?"

Pfsr. Greene, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Greene has developed gas power.

Wildly being installed in Greene's home town, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Schneider Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Greene mentioned his research into one-sided coins and shamelessly predicted results for later this decade.

One inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more distraught version.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one roller blader parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Irving family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Irving parked in front of the house of Diane Kirby who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a good parking situation.

Nigel, a judiciously unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Darco. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the one-sided coin that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the Darco just came to me."

Having served kinky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but desire about cleaning up his livelihood.

Leningrad is proud to be the pioneer of Darco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Darco.

Mustafa Glotz is at the center of a growing political crisis. Oman claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Chile has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Oman and will be decided within the next four days. Says Representative Mustafa Haslam, "I'm not ready to continue examining whatever looks good."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Manny Floyd responded "I think we ought to hold back on the evaluation of this plan." He later added, "I'm not ready to proceed with caution on these considerations."

"We, the residents, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the short sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia demands schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the metropolis offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

"This is the most avid, speckled, colorful thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one negotiator.

"Analyzing the situation wildly," a Jasonia jock grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.