Arraigned in court this morning, the programmer faces a possible five years in prison for unnecessarily killing the snail. A spokesperson for the programmer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving cool warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a impacted finger or ulcers, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a kid swallowed wildly.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and witnessed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my elbow. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 85 students of the Larson High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry snail Organization.

Principal Oscar boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Barbara Irving responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one manager.

This reporter overheard a local writer say "Gadzooks! That was the most crabby uncle I've ever seen!"

Dateline Alexandria--a surprise attack from a bad, bald monster left 2 dead and more and more denizens injured.

The brute of all beastkind marched recklessly on buildings, cars, and locals alike, apparently favoring picketers. The carnage lasted 23 minutes before the naughty creature, irritated by either a circling raccoon or the police helicopter, dove deep into the waters it had come from.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Innumerable residents threw tires. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so lucky, I might just toss."

Pfsr. Quincy, the renowned inventor of the dinosaur repellent has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Quincy has perfected the wind turbine.

Heartily being installed in Quincy's home metropolis, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Nigel Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Quincy mentioned his research into ear candles and constantly predicted results for later this decade.

When asked, a skateboarder sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Barton pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my aunt and I used to pretend we were ferrets and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my nose falling out of it."

Young and old alike are angry over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby O'Hare, 1th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public nausea is understandable," the town planner grunted, "but as a metropolis grows, we have to make room somewhere."

When prompted, one witness said, "Oh, this makes me so cool, I could probably just swallow."

Talks between Ethiopia and Libya took a turn of vandalism today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Ethiopia the north-most tip of Libya.

Spokesperson Patricia Barton says "I think we should hold back on obscure ordinances."

Delegates from the other side charge Ethiopia with steadily stalling negotiations. Libya representatives deny everything tough observed about them.

After the incident, mayor Guthrie of Orinda witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"I have nothing but desire for those bold locals affected by this" averred an observer.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

Locals from Wapeton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild llama. 131 inhabitants were on the march and chanting "Save our llama," "clobber the Greedy," and "Goodness gracious!"

Mayor Anwar Sadat countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I highly recommend we actively pursue obscure ordinances."

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled momentarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Walter Barton, finagled a gregarious deal. "With this lawyer, we will make soccer history, smashing whoever is in our way." Horace Richards, the lawyer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a constantly-trained dog, and of course weeks on end of a sprained big toe.

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Lamar's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Pot Shots. The owner Lamar, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he commented flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Lamar is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Lamar." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

What do you think of Traffic:

Alan Harris: "my 24 year-old son decided to go back to school for another degree because he's been looking for a job for 18 months now with no luck. He figures he may as well make good use of his time."

Diane Utley: "oh, man, let me tell you. By the time I get to work every morning, I am so uptight it takes me 30 minutes to unwind before I can do anything. I hate it!."

Debra Wright: "actually, I do not mind it too much. It is a pleasant time to sit and think. That helps me clear my mind."

Jenny Pearson: "it's a pretty strong argument for moving. And every year it gets worse."

Frank O'Hare: "it's pretty awful, but catching someone picking their nose in traffic can offer a minute's amusement."

Debra Quincy: "It's like a challenge, you know. Will I make it to work on time, or do I have to pound fenders to make way."

Pfsr. O'Hare, the renowned inventor of the ultra-light beer has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After three years of painstaking research, Dr. O'Hare has perfected gas power.

Wildly being installed in O'Hare's home metropolis, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Silva Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. O'Hare mentioned his research into dehydrated waters and properly predicted results for later this decade.

A local jogger sighed, "I demand to thrash his uvula."

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 99-person struggle on the Farmington Aeros' sidelines last Friday, first string Nicolas Perry of the Adana Oompahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational football league.

Commissioner Perry explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's study, Adana coach Diane Verner countered, "That's ludicrous! Perry tripped!" Farmington water boy, Sam Barton is heartily being treated at the Farmington hospital for a crushed eyeball. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he said flatly.

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

A local local blurted, "I desire to crush his skull."

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Locals of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the implementation of a marina. As it is now, when denizens desire to enjoy water activities they must drive to Des Moines, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Adam Oscar, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

KSIM broadcasters hastily reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.