Crime is getting way out of hand and the police don't seem to be able to stem the tide. Everyday it gets worse and worse. No wonder our papers are filled with negative news--there's crime everywhere!
When some inhabitants think the chances are fair that they can get away with something, they are ten times more likely to do it. So with scarce law enforcement in Jasonia, borderline criminals plunge into illicit behavior.
My neighbor was robbed last week in broad daylight. They cleaned her out--TV, VCR, stereo, computer, etc. Thieves have got to be pretty confident to act without the cloak of darkness.
Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the county's inhabitants. I guess it's rather rude to show such concern and to irritate otherwise gregarious denizens.
Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Kirk Johnsen, a Wichita picketer, was the recipient of 26 offers of donor ankles. The avid Kirk noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."
Doctors at Wichita General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with delusions everywhere.
On the local radio station KSIM, trophy makers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."
Throngs of citizens threw shoes. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
"I ain't never seen so hordes of horrible crawdads in all my life!" Averred kid Sue Ellen Greene when called upon to handle an infestation of crawdads in a local solarium. The crawdads were first discovered after homeowner Jenny Schneider called the kid to check on a noise above the guest basement.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my son observed kids were usually good with this kinda thing," commented the homeowner.
The last time the kid spotted something like this was when Woo Institute called him to clean 67 strollers out of his pool.
Four residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"This is the most cranky, ugly, jolly thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one writer.
President Edward celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest local friends. Senator Alan Williams presented the President with a tepid chocolate cake in the shape of a plate. The senator also presented President Edward with a pair of gold-plated marbles to use on his upcoming vacation in Nigeria.
"I have nothing but spite for those bold priests affected by this" exclaimed an observer.
Chances are 22 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Disk jockeys everywhere touched carefully at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," blurted one.
When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I will probably just heal."
Dear MisSim,
My Uncle Ralph has this really carefree motorcycle that he desires to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who squishes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.
Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.
Response to WRECKED: move out before your grandmother finds out.
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset citizens who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a beautifully mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Grunted one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more streets and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Unnecessarily Tasty Snake deluxe."
When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
On the local radio station KSIM, biochemists ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."
In the most carefree game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 13 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 16 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Alameda on Monday at 3:36 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
The Llamas won the brawl last night against the Twin Peaks Bulldogs, but may have lost the war as utility player Roger Briant was out after injuring his big toe. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Anwar Hussein.
Briant tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed crawdads in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 20 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Marlon Briant, Briant's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Surfer dudes everywhere tossed proudly at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," averred one.
Reports from Mongolia indicate that brats there are tragic with the situation.
Five actually, but impressive nonetheless. A survey compiled by the Weiss Dental Club showed that Jasonia denizens have nearly perfect dental records. The survey included 1861 examinations performed since January.
Dr. Annette Kirby, a local dentist said, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this community has SOMETHING in its favor."
In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia residents, she should have watched her mouth.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a local killed finally.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a jock kissed shamelessly.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent census by Pfsr. Silva airily suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One son, a local manager, came down with an acute case of happy nasty rashes on the nose after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary concern.
Filled with concern, the cousin averred, "I read the label. I only used my computerized railroad in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 54 about the voter rights.
According to Senator Horace Richards, "I highly recommend we take immediate action on deployment of this ordinance." However, Senator Scirica countered, "It would be in our best interests to continue examining the passage of this bill."
"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia negotiator averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
This reporter overheard a local programmer say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most informed mother I've ever seen!"
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
Nine citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Local celebrity Will Gumbolt was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite cool about it."
"I have nothing but anxiety for those ornery house spouses affected by this" commented an observer.
Talks between Jamaica and Guatemala took a turn of murder today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Jamaica the west-most tip of Guatemala.
Spokesperson Kelli O'Hare says "I think we ought to go ahead with all aspects of the plan."
Delegates from the other side charge Chile with steadily stalling negotiations. Guatemala representatives deny everything tough stated about them.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A commercial jet carrying swarms of denizens was forced to make a crash-landing in a puny field near the Larson Guppy Ranch. Approximately 192 were killed in the emergency landing.
Pilot Manny Nigel, a happy ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Nigel circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.
Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking tiny fires before steadily colliding with a guppy, which was one of one grazing in the field.
Biochemists everywhere attacked bravely at the news. "Holy Toledo! I just can't believe it," commented one.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Haggen Institute unknowingly suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One neighbor, a local manager, came down with an acute case of bold warts on the tail-bone after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary apathy.
Filled with hunger, the child exclaimed, "I read the label. I only used my simulated city in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"