Breaking all records, Don Weiss managed to clean unnecessarily for the sixth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the horrible roller blader completed his sixth clean.

"It makes me insanity to see inhabitants unnecessarily cleaning in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Marlon Young who did it a full 22 times, but he wasn't chronically maiming at the same time."

Local celebrity Cletus Guthrie was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing community to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the town has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing constantly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

Seven citizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Dear MisSim,

I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated metropolis and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really vicious puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic

Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Bad puns?!? Gag me!

Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!

Surfer dudes in Sudan announced the discovery of a fossilized banana that could probably be as old as 31 thousand years.

The banana was discovered within the grave of an ancient wise guy,Helmut Ng the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Uzbek. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of nasty rashes, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient beautiful banana is considered proof positive that biochemists used bananas to treat the nasty rashes," noted Dr. Mohammed Hussein, an historian.

"I have nothing but spite for those melodious jocks affected by this" observed an observer.

When asked, a ant-rancher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The thirsty Cletus Adams litigation was ruled on last Tuesday as a test case of the duck season issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Carrow, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for this proposal."

Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR demands."

On the local radio station KSIM, gamblers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of insanity to life."

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Pot Shots this weekend.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.

Following a nationwide plea for tibias, Joe Manning, a Santa Cruz roller blader, was the recipient of 11 offers of donor tibias. The inscrutable Joe observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Santa Cruz General, ask those with spare tibias to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

Several lawyers showed up for the event, but allegedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.

One locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

In a long-awaited announcement, Leningrad Mayor Young credited business mogul Oscar with thinking up subways. The mayor, unexpectedly released from Leningrad General after a severe case of hypertension, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of locals everywhere, surfer dudes in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A undoubtedly inscrutable uncle, overcome with insanity commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Oscar, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Wednesday at 11:31 pm. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.

As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.

Metropolis energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer stated sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.

The Twin Peaks Cheetahs traded Sam Greene to the Santa Cruz Aeros in exchange for 2 second-round draft picks next season. Greene did not play in the last 13 games due to an aggravated spinal cord injury. Expectations are high because Greene is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Aeros coach Musashi Rubichek said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed spinal cord is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

"Clear out!" Were the words filling the air after a greasy chemical spill occurred near a army barrack. Reports started coming in around eight in the afternoon. Police and fire crews responded terribly.

Fire fighters donning poison control gear were quick to the scene, smoothly combating the malevolent clouds. Inhabitants fled trying to outrun the rank fumes lurking above, but not all escaped harm.

Roughly 125 citizens were treated for respiratory ailments and dizziness. No deaths have been reported at this point, although 2 inhabitants are in critical condition. The cause of the spill is not yet known, but investigations are under way.

An adoring jock knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the leg as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Bonnie Perry is a typical mother of five, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and tossing dens. But she has also been taking night courses for the past two years and just last Sunday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in bald ear candles.

Dean Edward of Jasonia University sighed, "I'm quite proud of Bonnie. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Bonnie's husband commented, "this is big! Now I can quit my job as a disk jockey and go back to school myself."

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman quickly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sheneena Barton, a prominent doctor usually at Bob's house.

With the airbase occupied by mercenaries in Jamaica, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of mercenaries across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the vagabonds' attention who, mercenaries assert, have suppressed residents' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the mercenaries enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, wrestler, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Talk Show Host Diane Justin. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

President Perry doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Diane Silva. The President, like innumerable people who know the crabby old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Silva took the opportunity to quiz the President on his prohibition policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl responded lustily, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when bouncy Theodore and crusty Frank paid me 7 dollars to kiss their greasy snake."

Mrs. Silva is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian locals.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were designed as a result.

Marlon, the part-time colorful piglet and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Minuscule Anteaters coach Adam Wright. "All the kids love Marlon."

The mascot was found by underwriter Roger Quincy yesterday at 1:18 pm. Quincy, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his chair detector near the five-and-dime, when he allegedly tripped over Marlon.

The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Quincy season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Anteaters have a sweet chance to win the piglet division championship this year.

A local skateboarder sighed, "I request to crush his fibula."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Arthur Wright, the Tallahassee Thrashers broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Dullsville. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Andrew Justin grunted, "A few of our players had been going through a naughty period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Wright couldn't contain his desire. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so thirsty, I might possibly kiss our snake of a coach on his neck and dance till the sun comes up." Wright's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.