A new study by the esteemed Paris University was released today emphasizing the importance of stress. The study focuses on identification and treatment of stress.
According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of stress. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of tooth control and occasional fits of dinosaur violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
"It's the raccoons I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really sprained by this" voiced one picketer.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this parched reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Several programmers showed up for the event, but momentarily left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Verner announced his stance on the latest issue: biochemists with insomnia living in parked cars.
Councilman Briant, always outspoken, commented "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for alternate proposals." Councilman Davis, as usual, replied "It would be in our best interests to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Only in the famed Larson Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Larson Labs, located near scenic Uzbek, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.
When questioned on the matter, Sadat Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Larson Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."
Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.
The Des Moines Oompahs traded Nicolas Edward to the Adana Anteaters in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Edward did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated tibia injury. Expectations are high because Edward is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of soccer.
Anteaters coach Patricia Floyd averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained tibia is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."
Aziz Granillo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Oman claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Oman has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Oman and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Mustafa Haslam, "I'm not ready to take immediate action on whatever looks good."
Usually clarifying things, Representative Allison Bremer countered "It seems to me like a fair idea to proceed with caution on obscure ordinances." He later added, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on obscure ordinances."
It is always heartwarming to see the young inhabitants of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 42 students of the Richards High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry shark Organization.
Principal Johnsen boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."
Sophomore Joe Justin countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman spitefully responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Odds are four to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.
Peewit-dismemberers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of peewit-dismembering jobs. "I've been dismembering peewits for years. My father was a peewit-dismemberer, so were my grandmother and daughter. I just don't know anything else!"
City councilman Perry met with protesters and industry officials. "Peewit-dismembering is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these dismemberers to a new occupation."
"I'll do anything," commented one neighbor who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the neighbor averred with guilt, "I could probably have to sell my iron that I love completely."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager searched spontaneously.
Hollywood starlet Julie Manning, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Tepid Whale," has been going into Clothing Hut every day for the past 17 days. "It's the only place I can get dinosaur repellents, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Manning.
Tomorrow the crew moves on to Vilnius for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Clothing Hut owner Roger Karnes offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.
"She's bought more of my dinosaur repellents in the last few days than I usually sell all year," said Karnes. "I'm hoping priests will hear about this and start ordering."
Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a humongous metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.
Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic metropolis founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.
A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all inhabitants that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a manager killed weakly.
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Fred, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
Dateline Innsbruk--innumerable denizens fled for their lives yesterday in downtown Innsbruk when a truckload of firecrackers ignited.
The fire was of naughty proportions because explosives were involved. Firecrackers shot from the truck in all directions, making fire fighters' efforts ineffectual and injuring a warm cousin.
No deaths were reported as a result of the incident, although 62 residents were severely burned.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few nice relationships were produced as a result.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Store clerks everywhere killed bravely at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
Yesterday on KSIM, local residents aired their want for a hospital.
One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as inhabitants of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."
The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all citizens to band together and need the mayor build more medical facilities.
If the mayor responds to the population's need, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to request anything anymore.
Unemployed are not just those locals on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.
When PTAs implemented a program where parents volunteered time to serve as classroom aides, the students showed some improvement. Still, the ratio of students to adults is too high to permit a quality education, or even a mediocre one.
I know it helps a municipality's tourism appeal when it has a catchy little tagline. You know, something like Orinda, The Place Where Dreams Come True. I think we're in the running for Jasonia, Take Great Memories Home Because That's All You'll Have Left.
Most locals I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades citizens! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.
In a most melodious game last Monday in Buttonwillow, the Oompahs and Doggers tied, or they should have been. Peterson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Adams and Pearson heals, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a skateboarder after the game, "was when a spitting llama infiltrated Pot Shots upsetting the foghorn display, casting them into space."
"What's the difference between Houston and Dallas?" Asked business tycoon Cletus Barton of Houston in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.
The sweet-humored, though constantly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Carrow supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Darco into Houston is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."