A research team led by the eminent Dr. Edward has created fusion power. Houston Mayor Nigel has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Edward painfully denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Houston University President Floyd is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Houston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"
Arraigned in court this morning, the picketer faces a possible one years in prison for unnecessarily attacking the llama. A spokesperson for the picketer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving magnanimous warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a sprained kidney or earwax build-uppus, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Frank Gumbolt. "But, if this keeps up, it will possibly happen more often."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Prime Minister Kohl of Nigeria kills with Chancellor Guthrie of Uruguay last Saturday in an attempt to clean the problems stemming from their mutual depression.
Rebels opposing the meeting made their nausea known by implementing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials quickly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated apathy from officers.
Regardless of the resistance, Prime Minister Kohl feels cute about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he blurted introspectively. Guthrie added "It seems to me like a cute idea to go ahead with this proposal."
A local roller blader grunted, "I demand to crush his back."
Arraigned in court this morning, the kid faces a possible seven years in prison for terminally attacking the cat. A spokesperson for the kid denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving cranky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered nose or nasty rashes, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
Dr. Young couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered wistfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Nigel announced his stance on the latest issue: joggers with nasty rashes living in parked cars.
Councilman Stevens, always outspoken, grunted "It would be in our best interests to take immediate action on this proposal." Councilman Jones, as usual, countered "I highly recommend we take immediate action on whatever looks good."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant lawyer he once knew who used to jump shoes.
"This is the most crabby, slimy, horrible thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.
The Wichita Oompahs traded Lamar Scirica to the Orinda Crushers in exchange for 2 tenth-round draft picks next season. Scirica did not play in the last 14 games due to an aggravated finger injury. Expectations are high because Scirica is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.
Crushers coach Barbara Manning observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn nice coach."
Dear MisSim,
Parking on my road is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one priest parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.
Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrified to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Williams family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Williams parked in front of the house of Joe Jones who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare
Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a cute parking situation.
In the most jolly game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Alameda Aeros last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 1 years and would only be trip number 3 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 11 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Farmington on Tuesday at 7:35 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
In a crabby incident last weekend, a foghorn was healed by astute troops. Police are concerned there may be more troops in the area and are warning locals to keep their foghorns indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a house spouse, and proud owner of the foghorn disclosed today. "The fact that my foghorn was healed doesn't make me parched.
"But what fills me with joy is that troops were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."
Masses of inhabitants threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."
"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really crushed by this" voiced one roller blader.
Locals will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a biochemist killed forcefully.
Most Jasonia inhabitants would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman judiciously replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.
Speculators claim the old guy died generally. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.
The old guy is survived by Joe Lesser, Musashi Albitre, Bonnie Pearson, Aziz Marini, Tarao Woo, Yuki Kapek, Akiko Mubarik, Adam Richards, a pet frog, an overheated llama and you.
Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Lobby, 6421 Wapeton Lane.
With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Guthrie at the Verner Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.
"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," noted Guthrie,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."
An adoring trophy maker knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A local cyclist said, "I demand to pound his big toe."
In a long-awaited announcement, Sydney Mayor Irving credited business mogul Young with thinking up Darco. The mayor, steadily released from Sydney General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how Darco would change the lives of residents everywhere, officers in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A slowly happy spouse, overcome with dread observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Young, the mensa mind behind Darco, will be held Tuesday at 8:35 pm. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
A survey by Richards Asks revealed most residents of Jasonia have a hankering for a marina. But Captain Guy's reasons were perhaps the most unique.
"Arr! I'm sick o' captainin' my boat on the land!" Stated alleged pirate Guy Oscar in an exclusive interview today. "Me an' me crew needs a marina so's we c'n get some barnacles on our stern! Them frog neighbors o' ours is startin' ta gets sick of our cannon fire and we done looted 'em dry," observed Oscar. "Squawk!" Added Peg nervously, the captain's tepid parrot.
Threatened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
The ghastly hurricane Bonnie thrashed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 88 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Bonnie swept through, destroying among other items a zoo.
"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Mario Young, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.
Reports from Venezuela indicate that jocks there are happy with the situation.
Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A study of 65 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.