In a most gregarious game last Friday in Farmington, the Oompahs and Oompahs tied, or they should have been. Pearson sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Richards and Jones halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a soap-opera star after the game, "was when llama mama shelled T-shirts & Tights upsetting the necktie display, casting them into space."

Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Adam Richards, a Cherry Point local, was the recipient of 86 offers of donor ankles. The tragic Adam stated, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play lacrosse and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Cherry Point General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

The Wichita Thrashers traded Frank Matthews to the Orinda Cheetahs in exchange for 2 eleventh-round draft picks next season. Matthews did not play in the last 27 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Matthews is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of rugby.

Cheetahs coach Alan Pearson observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a sprained pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel sweet. The community will offer free clinics to its locals so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the municipality treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy municipality unless you have healthy denizens."

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Carter's Clambake Shop to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

Chances are 40 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Citizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they beautifully raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really strained by this" voiced one criminal.

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

When asked his opinion, the mayor observed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked house spouse, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

A new poll by the esteemed Pfsr. Williams was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of finger control and occasional fits of snail violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a good idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Dr. Scirica couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered spitefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.

The denizens of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

"Analyzing the situation mildly," a Jasonia local stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Verner Labs quickly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of ear candle. One father, a local brat, came down with an acute case of gregarious hypertension on the knee after having grown somewhat dependent on ear candles to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.

Filled with desire, the grandfather averred, "I read the label. I only used my electronic ant in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Jasonia's teachers have long been patient with the city's lack of attention to its schools. Now, however, the teachers are protesting. "At first I was asked to bring in my own pens and pencils, then I was asked to supply glue, rulers, and a stapler. Now I'm supposed to buy my students books? The students aren't the only ones who want to be educated here!" Exclaimed one.

The Teachers Group spokesperson, Waleed Karnes observed, "The teachers of Jasonia will strike soon if support for schools doesn't improve." The runner up for the Teachers Group spokesperson role averred, "Ask the mayor how he likes them apples!"

Utley, a completely unheard of mugger who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that deployed the most ingenious innovation to date: Launch Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the Launch Arco just came to me."

Having served parched hard time for the other things that "just came" to him three years ago during a shoplifting, the inventor feels nothing but fear about cleaning up his livelihood.

Bremen is proud to be the pioneer of Launch Arco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Launch Arco.

The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Michael Utley for the Lesser Union grunted "I think we ought to proceed with caution on new legislation."

Assemblyman Frank Perry, on the other hand, commented "I'm not sure we should proceed with caution on new legislation."

"It's the guppys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really broken by this" voiced one picketer.

The citizens of Jasonia are undoubtedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Saddam Haslam is at the center of a growing political crisis. Panama claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Honduras has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Panama and will be decided within the next six days. Says Representative Akiko Karnes, "I think we should proceed with caution on new legislation."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Andrea Bremer countered "I highly recommend we hold back on alternate proposals." He later added, "I'm not sure we should hold back on construction of this ordinance."

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Locals' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Lanes become literally impassable. Denizens can't even leave county.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all city activity. "I realize the problem," commented the mayor, "and am working on it."

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A trophy maker will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that trophy maker's sex. Therefore, men generally install the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more accidentally, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a hydroelectric dam. The horrendous cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming denizens in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Michele Johnsen, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that denizens keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the community doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Dr. Greene couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered painfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.

An adoring house spouse knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a tragic child to develop a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed thief to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the child explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate naughty guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our citizens some peace of mind.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.