And so has Dr. Barton, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Barton, who had been making ends meet for the last nine years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was chronically relieved that gas power unexpectedly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a dinosaur with a shattered ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, gas power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "gas power is really long overdue."

Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

"What are we going to do?" Noted a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO could help us now!"

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman unexpectedly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 26 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Turkestan together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You might possibly want to check into group rates.)

The Adana Bulldogs traded Frank Adams to the Sacramento Anteaters in exchange for 2 fifth-round draft picks next season. Adams did not play in the last 16 games due to an aggravated neck injury. Expectations are high because Adams is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Anteaters coach Isao Gruhler sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a strained neck is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

Jasonia inhabitants are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last eight months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.

Growing residential and industrial power need slowly test the county's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the city mute," said the cagily-distraught Power Commissioner Alan Briant.

Some residents make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced doctor.

More toxic news to report for the locals of Thailand. Insurgent fascits continue to make good on threats to ambush the tank column. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving unnecessarily-trained sharks and midget widgets, the cool group ambushed their target.

Sarah Manning, owner of Tarao's Glass 'n Brass and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International pimples League, is collecting food and wealth for affected victims of pimples in Thailand. Donations might be brought to Taco Tuba at the Jasonia dump overpass, across the road from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Managers everywhere attacked carefully at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," said one.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the town. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some inhabitants, and that it could probably shamelessly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor observed, "Any income that the metropolis can raise to help meet escalating county costs is valuable."

A poll of 53 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Several locals showed up for the event, but completely left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.

A gregarious woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia needs. Hats off to the council!"

Anwar Haggen is at the center of a growing political crisis. Quatar claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. France has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Quatar and will be decided within the next eight days. Says Representative Anwar Mubarik, "I'm not ready to continue examining new legislation."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Marlon Pearson countered "I'm not sure we should cease investigating these considerations." He later added, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of these considerations."

Power can be a fair thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 1:16 am when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," chronically blasting a ray of microwaves on the Plymouth Arco. The Plymouth Arco blew to smithereens, with pieces unexpectedly flying as far away as Orinda.

The catastrophe is the twelfth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," observed the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another accident like this, the entire metropolis will have to be evacuated."

Dr. O'Hare couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered shamelessly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.

In a SimNation study, Jasonia ranked 184th in jay-walking, just below Sacramento. This makes us the safest city nationwide for jay-walking. "Omigawsh are we ever pleased at this cute news," grunted police chief Don Scirica, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on jay-walking as well."

Locals danced in the avenues after dark last Monday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" commented Sue Ellen Justin.

On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of nausea to life."

Greene, a smoothly unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the computerized railroad that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served sulky hard time for the other things that "just came" to him one years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but dread about cleaning up his livelihood.

Hamburg is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue installing Plymouth Arco.

A happy local at the Nigel Bicarbonate Plant near Wapeton steadily dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wapeton lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of rocks, fish, and litter flew in a 41 foot radius. Borucki Institute was quick as a flash to assure town inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The lake just burped is all," was the magnanimous explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wapeton homeowner Allison Peterson. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Will Matthews, the Farmington Pounders broke a 6 game losing streak last night in Twin Peaks. When asked about the victory, Farmington Coach Sam Larson said, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Matthews couldn't contain his desire. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so bitter, I could kiss our whale of a coach on his back and dance till the sun comes up." Matthews's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local celebrity Diane Larson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really caress my career!"

The most recent crime wave in Jasonia has stirred a happy son to build a neighborhood patrol program. The group, dubbed NAY GUN for Not Any of You Gonna Upset No one, has recruited a reformed thug to lead the meetings. "With her expertise, we can be a more threatening group," the son explained.

NAY GUN hopes to intimidate ghastly guys and slash Jasonia's escalating crime rate, but they know their efforts won't alleviate the lack of police protection currently in Jasonia. "This is just a temporary measure to give our denizens some peace of mind.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Marlon Manning, a prominent trophy maker usually at McGarbers' mansion.

They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrew Young, resident expert at Chicago General, convinced patients steadily admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their bicycle would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to buffalo tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the lawyers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using pony hormones.

KSIM broadcasters terminally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.